Claiming back the bitch slave from hell

Do you think he is feeling better?

This was a snippet of our conversation this morning........

sir(3/4/2011 6:17:58 AM): your mine u know this
sir (3/4/2011 6:18:20 AM): I can see u how I wish
sir (3/4/2011 6:18:28 AM): do as I wish
sir (3/4/2011 6:18:57 AM): you say u feel open
sir (3/4/2011 6:19:11 AM): exposed
sir (3/4/2011 6:19:34 AM): your body is open to me at all times
sir (3/4/2011 6:20:33 AM): we have gone too long pissing around the last month with me being off my game
sir (3/4/2011 6:20:40 AM): and u feeling how u do
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:06 AM): we r going back to how it was
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:16 AM): I am sorry u may not like it
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:29 AM): but it is going to be that way
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:43 AM): that mind
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:46 AM): body
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:56 AM): soul
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:00 AM): life
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:03 AM): r mine
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:16 AM): I love u
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:28 AM): but u r my slave first
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:45 AM): that will not change
sir (3/4/2011 6:23:34 AM): I have let u have your head for too long
sir (3/4/2011 6:23:57 AM): do u have anything to say

 Here was a very big silence!

sir (3/4/2011 6:25:27 AM): u will go to the gym today
sir (3/4/2011 6:25:33 AM): and do a shop
sir (3/4/2011 6:25:41 AM): if u need anything
sir (3/4/2011 6:26:32 AM): you can do this willing and have a better time or try to be the bitch slave  from hell
sir (3/4/2011 6:26:40 AM): and I will show u hell
sir (3/4/2011 6:27:19 AM): I want my slave back, the 1 I love no matter what
sir (3/4/2011 6:27:44 AM): the last month
sir (3/4/2011 6:27:50 AM): I have been weak
sir (3/4/2011 6:28:16 AM): and I know how u have been worrying about me
sir (3/4/2011 6:28:26 AM): and I love u for that

sir (3/4/2011 6:30:44 AM): You say about being the bitch slave from hell
sir (3/4/2011 6:30:59 AM): and in truth
sir (3/4/2011 6:31:05 AM): I love her too
sir(3/4/2011 6:31:18 AM): but she cant be out much




I'm not sure if i feel and all over body sigh and grin , or an "oh shit " coming over me, a bit of both I think.
Things are not resolved by nay means in my mind at least, but I am beginning to wonder if that matters or not.

I found it... the deep and meaingful one

The very nature of the female anatomy hides the physical essence of our femininity: like the beauty within an unopened wild orchid. The space in which we grow are children is hidden, deep within our bodies and so it is hardly surprising that being trained to be open is difficult, difficult on the heart, on the mind and on the sense of self. Years of  society's, family and personal conditioning  that needs to be explored, opened, undone.

Physically it is easier for some to be open, to allow themselves to find peace in satisfyingly their master's expectation that they are physically open. For me, this is  not a problem, it has never really been a problem; not after the first few toe curling, cheek reddening, embarrassing moments when I wanted to curl up and die, thinking that he only saw the imperfections I see each time I look in the mirror. Now I no longer think about it as he inspects me.  It is just something that happens. That he watches me shower, that the parts of me that are hidden from the world are his to look at, explore, examine and generally to with and too what he so chooses, is just the way it is.

So why do I find it so hard to open up my thoughts in the same way? Is it a matter of self preservation? What he doesn't know about me he cant use against me, judge me and my failings, or is it some deeper fear that he will get my feeling and lay them on the table; look at them, explore and examine them and do with them and to them whatever he so chooses?
 I have no reason to think any of this. He has never, at any point, done anything to lead me to believe that he will, in fact completely the opposite. He can be demanding, exacting, persistent, , manipulative (sounds like a check list for a good master) etc etc, but he is loving and kind, patient thoughtful and supportive, gentle and operates with my best interest at the base of our dynamic.

I have knelt before him, naked, with his hand on my throat, the pressure from his fingers increasing until the last thing I think of before I am enveloped in peace and blackness is him, my trust in him and his ability and desire to look after me, and yet I know I hold things back, and I know he knows. And each time I do, the punishment is worse( no I don't do it for the punishments...I hate them and all the feelings that are tied in with them!).

I wish I knew.