A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Sunday, 19 February 2012

Photos saved my life

There are times in life when you just need to pull the quilt over your head, keep yourself company and just remember to breathe in and out at a fairly regular pace. And that is where I have been, under my metaphorical quilt.

It is so long since I read another blog, it seems so strange to start again, I am reluctant to do it. I feel like I have snuck into a bedroom and felt under the mattress for a diary and am now holding one in my hand, deciding if it is good to open it and peek inside. I want to read them, to see how everyone is, and yet something holds me back. It been like leaving a phone call to a friend just that bit too long, each day you leave it, the harder it gets. And so you put it off one more day. I thought by writing maybe it would get me back to that place again, a sort of "Quid pro quo" somewhere in my mind. I hope so, because  I have missed reading , missed being a part of blog land and I have missed the friends I have made here.

The typhoid knocked me for six, but I have won.

The rest of my life has been slowly unraveling, piece by little piece, and I feel like I am holding wet worms, trying to keep them in my hands and failing miserably.

I know there is nothing I can do about any of it, but I have just  ended up feeling so powerless and helpless. I know I am not, but it has taken some work to  convince myself of what is the reality.

"The man" is still there in the back ground. He has told me that the baby looks like she is  suffering from Spina Bifida, no sight in one eye and delay in growth. The poor little thing, I feel so sorry that any baby has to go through this, that another mother has to suffer the worry and anguish that all of these challenges bring with them. I feel sorry for him too as the father. Not the same sense of sorrow , but I do feel for him.

He has been back in hospital, he has had more headaches and has had a shunt put it. I try not to ask, not to question, not to appear that I care, but I do. I cant help it. He is there buried deep in my soul, he will never go away.  He is making a good recovery though.

I didnt want to fill this first space with woe and misery, and although it seems like it, I don't think I have really.

My father has left my mother. They have been married 52 yeas and 10 months . She ranted and raved as only  the drunken can. She called my sister and told her to fetch him, she didn't want him any more.

So my sister arrived to find a small thin man sitting by the front door with a suitcase, looking lost and sad, and so relieved to be leaving. My sister used to be the most opinionated, self centered, self absorbed , intolerant person I knew. Over the years she has mellowed somewhat, and now? Well...all I can say is ...she is amazing. She has always been efficient, but OMG , she has got things done. My dad is nice and safely tucked up in her house with her and my brother in law. They have sorted out so much together. My dad is happy, 10lbs heavier than when he arrived, a lot less stressed, the dementia is still there, and slowly getting worse, but he is less stressed, now he no longer lives with a drunken bitch from hell, he is no longer belittled, no longer afraid, no longer ridiculed, no longer is he the tragedy of her hate, her bitterness and her missiles, and her fists.
She got her way, but now.....

 Now she is demanding him back, like some toy she has changed her mind about. He refuses to go. He is staying put. He no longer wants to be with her.

I thought I should be sad about this. I am not sad at all. I am relieved. I am glad it is all over for him, that he is free, that he longer feels bound to her by honour, by his upbringing, but convention, by his sense of duty. Maybe the dementia has stripped him of that layer of duty that was embedded deep within his psyche from his upbringing.

It saddens me that he does not have the woman he chose to spend his life with looking after him, sharing their lives together, but it does not make me sad. The sense of relief I feel far outweighs anything else.

I have spent lots of time skyping him, he has talked endlessly about things he has kept close to his chest for years. he has talked about his childhood, about his life, about things he shouldn't tell me, but the passage of time probably means its ok to talk. He appologised for sending me away to school before I was nine..his words were...."I am sorry I had to send you, the alternative so so much worse, I knew you hated it, but at least you were safe when I was away so much".

If ever there was an expression of love..............as he said those words I saw it, the difficult decision he had made has weighed heavy on his heart all these years. I always knew that he loved me, I have always felt loved by him, but i don't think I ever realised how much he loved me.

And now be have to sort out the mess of selling houses, moving, etc etc, and all this from far away land. I will have to go back and sort it out, but when I am not sure.

And as for all the other stuff? I am not sure.

There are time when i have willed myself not to contact 'the man", where i have fought against it, when I have need his strength, his level headedness, his wisdom.  I have fought against needing him, and I have won. I don't tell him, I don't ask.

I know if I did he would help, but I am strong,  and levelheaded and wise too, and I can do this.

I am not one half of a whole, I am a whole entity in myself.

There are nights when I feel so alone, I long to hear his voice, to see his face, but they are less.

There has been one upside of all of this, I have once again connected with my camera, and the pleasure I am getting from this is wonderful. A sense of achievement, of learning, of progress, and i have sold some photos.............I am so very happy and pleased with myself. So that is my little silver lining in all of this. So here is one to show you.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Christmas time

Christmas is nearly upon us, I have just a few hours left before it is Christmas day. My family are here, we are together, we are safe, well and looking forward to tomorrow.

We will get up early no doubt, well before the sunrise at 6am, eat copious amounts of chocolate, open presents, go for a lovely swim at the beach, come home and have lunch and enjoy our new gifts and each others company.

I will think of my friends and family far away , and will call a few and wish them a Happy Christmas.
And I will think of all of you and wonder what you are doing and hope that you too are having a happy time with friends and family.

And I will also think of those who are not with the people they should be with, the Armed forces from all over the world who are spending time in places far from home, I will think of doctors, nurses and relief workers and emergency service personnel in organisations around the world spending their day helping others and I will think of those that have no one to share their time with, the forgotten, the unloved and the "cast asides".

And I will be thankful for what I have and i will enjoy it all, each and every moment.

For those of you who celebrate Christmas I wish you a Merry Christmas and for those of you who do not, I wish you a Happy holiday.
 With love from "Far away Land".


A hidden slave 1 bugs 0

I hadn't realised how much time had gone by since I last posted. So much has happened. I have been sick. Not the usual type of sick when you have a cold or something like that, hazards of the location I guess.

I had not been feeling well for a few days, unable to function at all well, tired, headache, aching bones, thought I was coming down with flu, then the fever got higher and higher and higher, until it hit 40C, and I felt worse and worse and worse....

Getting out of bed was enough to tire me out so much I needed to sleep, brushing my teeth was exhausting....finally went to see someone about it, thinking maybe it was Mono, only to find I had picked up a couple of strains of typhoid.....holy crap did I feel bad. I have slept like the dead for a week, I have started to feel better, done some things and been wiped out again.

But now finally I am well on the mend, feeling like a human being again, alive and getting back to normal , although it will take a while , but thank goodness for antibiotics I am now feeling like I may like Christmas after all.

On a completely different note altogether, I had spoken to "the man" again and told him that I no longer wanted to talk to him at all, that it was non productive, pointless and just prolonging the agony for us both, so he was very sad, but agreed. and then last week when I was beginning to feel much better I had a call from him. He told me that it wasn't working for him, he needed to speak to me and that he had something he wanted to say. So much for him listening to me, I started to tell him, to tell him how I did not think that he was being fair, or honest or that he was listening to me, that I hadn't made any rash decisions  etc etc etc and through all of this came the words "I want you to marry me"....talk about stopping me in my tracks.

There was a long, very long pause and He said "you don't have to tell me now".

So I didn't.

So why now? What about the baby? The lies? the dishonesty?

I called him last night, and very calmly without giving any explanation I just said that I could not and would not marry him.
He tried to ask me why, and i said to him"Because that is my decision".

Oh I was so proud of myself.

I told him I would say hello on Christmas morning , but I was not going to discuss my decision and that I do not want to keep being asked to talk to him. It is over.

And I put down the phone and I wept and wept like a teenager with a broken heart.

It was the right thing to do, and I am relieved.

Friday, 25 November 2011

This feels like spring and cards on the table

Where I live in the land of "far way" there are no seasons, I live so close to the equator, that the only difference in the temperature is between day and night and then that doesn't differ too much, but for some reason in my head I feel like Spring.

I have a need to decorate, move furniture and generally clear things out.  I feel like a new beginning. I have cleaned up my computer, I have cleaned up paperwork, scrubbed walking boots,moved out the weevils that were living in my pasta, cleaned my car out, written letters, sent postcards, paid bills, done some online shopping for Christmas and I have typed but not sent the email to Him

An email telling him that I will not be meeting him in March to try to reconcile things, that I don't want to, that I think it is wrong to try, that my feelings have changed. I told him that I will always love him, and I will, but its not the same and it never will be. I don't want to tell him how I feel, or what I am thinking, I don't want him to know, I don't want to let him see those bits of me that he wants to see, I am in control of that now and it is mine, so things have changed. I am just sitting on it for a few days to make sure what I have written is what I truly feel, and that it is not written in anger and that what I am saying is what he will read, and then it is done.

And as for those cards that were laid out on the table?

Apart from working hard again this week, that is what I have done most of, considered those cards and the implications of making the decision to pick them up. I thought about what people have said to me as comment in response to my post. I have thought about what it will mean for me, and I have decided that more than anything I need to do what is best for me, what feels right for me at this moment.

I am a great believer in that when you make a decision it is the right one for you at that time, and it is right because we make decisions based on "at that time" , and having made it, it must be right. If it later turns out not to be right that is usually because our responce to what we thought would be is different...I know what I mean even if I cant explain it here very well......but I have made the decision, and

I have decided to take him up on his offer. And this is why it feels Spring like...it is new, a new start, a new beginning and I will have to wait and be patient and see what unfolds.

So today I sent him an email thanking him for his offer, and telling him of my decision, and so now I just am sitting here waiting to hear from him, and my heart is beating fast!

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

To all my American friends who are celebrating today, I wish you a happy and joyful Happy Thanks Giving I hope your day is filled with fun, happiness, thanks , football, food and family time.
Once  more it reminds me to be thankful for everything that is good in my life, and here in blog land you are some of those things.

Have a wonderful day.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Do I pick up the cards?

Having promised my 'friend' that I would get back to him at sometime I sent him an email. He is my blast from the past.  I told him a few more details of what had happened and how I was feeling, how things were and a few of my plans for the future (which involved a big long list of place to visit this year: Laos, Myamar and Australia).

I told him I would be returning to the UK at some point too this year and I asked how he was. And that was it.

I got an email back pretty much straight away. He asked how I was feeling, how I was coping, how I was behaving  (which made me smile) and then there was the big question tacked onto the end of the email......

"So my little lost subby friend...how are you managing without control in your life?"

I was just about to reply and say I was fine without it, that I was having a rest from it, that I didn't need it, that I didn't want it, and then I paused and had a small think to myself and wondered if this was entirely true....and as i was thinking another email arrived and all it said was....

"Hmmmmm, thought so"

I laughed.

He then sent a longer email to me, offering to take on a "mentoring role", a role of keeping me safe until such time as I make up my mind about anything else. He has offered to talk to me, at length about what  I think I might need to keep me sane, on the straight and narrow (relatively speaking) and to set a level of control.

I know he is married, I know he is far away, I know that  he is offering what he is offering; no more , no less. I know all the facts, as much as I can.

 He has laid his cards on the table.

Do I pick them up?

He asked me to think about what he has said, what he has offered and to email him in a week as to my decision , to indicate if this is something I want.

So....is my hand hovering above those cards or is it over my mouth stopping the "OMG, what do I do now from coming out" ?

Well its a bit of both.