Be careful what you wish for

This morning he decided it was time for a little play.

So as we were talking he had me attach the TENS unit pads to the very top of my inner thigh and get the vibe and put it just inside my cunt, on the lowest possible "on" and then he continued talking to me. I had sent him a beginning of the story the other day and he wanted me to tell him the next part, and for some reason it was really embarrassing. I am not sure why, but even the thought of saying it, made me blush and squirm with embarrassment. He laughed at me and asked me if I was blushing because if I had to tell him the next bit of the story, he would be able to see how depraved I could be. Which just sort of made it worse, because he was right. I was worried about that old phrase, "Be careful what you wish for" coming back and biting me on the arse when I get home. Any way he got distracted by a call and seemed to forget what he had asked me to do.

I waited until he had finished talking, then followed his instruction to turn up the unit and the vibe and put it deeper inside me. And he talked a bit about work and just stuff. The he made me turn up the unit more, and use the vibrator, and then I stopped concentrating. My mind distracted by the pain and the sensations inside me, I stopped concentrating and I came. Realising what had happened, I started to say sorry.

"On your knees slave"

I leap of the bed, untangled myself from earphones, ropes , books etc and almost threw myself on the floor, onto my knees, knowing that what I had done.

"Did I say you could cum slave, did you have permission?"

I hung my head and shook it .

"Well, did you?"

"No Sir, I did not have permission"

He turned up the unit and told me that he felt that he had not been controlling me as much as he should have been, that it was my responsibility to tell him when I was about to cum, and to ask permission, but that the control was his responsibility.  And as I will be home in four week, from now on there will be more control, there will be preparation to be with him again. It will be hard work and he will be taking back all the control that he has let slip.

Then he told me to make myself cum for him. And this time I asked before I did and he said yes, although it had crossed my mind he might have said no, just to make a point.
.
He stopped the pain, he stopped the pleasure. He stopped everything.

And I got so cold the moment it stopped, I was freezing, shaking and shivering from head to foot. My teeth began to chatter and he asked me what was wrong. I was frozen.
He told me to get back into bed, to wrap myself up.

And he talked to me about how much he was looking forward to seeing me again, how he longer to have me home in his arms, how he missed the feel of my hand in his. He talked about how much he loves me  and misses me, how proud he is of me. He told me how the bed is empty without me.
He also told me he know that I am excited about coming home, but how I am nervous too. It has been nearly six months and it will be scarey, the control will be difficult at first.

And I fell back to sleep with these words in my ears.

"Sleep sweet slave, I love you"

It doesnt get much better than that.

How to have fun whilst half a world apart.

Here is a good example of how to have fun whilst half a world apart.........

1. Get you slave naked.
2. Turn on the aircon until they are cold and have nipples like rivets.
3. Get cold slave to cover every inch of body in oil.
4. Bet slave that she cannot spin 360 on the floor on her arse with feet in the air.
5. Give her 1 practice spin then tell her she has three attempts.
6. Watch slave spin round on arse through tears in your eyes, laughing hysterically. and loose the bet that she will be able to.
7. Have slave roll on floor to ensure complete coverage.
8. Make slave lie on floor on stomach with feet up behind and tell her to cum.
9. Listen to slave moaning through tears of laughter that she cant possibly do it.
10. Watch slave cum, laughing and slipping around.


I told him he was sick and twisted...and he replied......"Thank you"

A waiting slave

At 9am I got a text that had one word............................

'slave"

I waited for the rest of the text, thinking he had mis-sent it. I waited and waited and waited and there was nothing.

At 12 o'clock I got another text but couldn't read it. I could hear it going off, but couldn't access my phone for about one hour...well seventy six minutes to be exact...actually seventy six very long minutes...and when I finally got to it ..............................it was one word......................

"slave"

And now six hours later I have received another one...................

'Ready?"

And do I know what I am to be ready for....no I don't...am I twisting myself in circles trying to work it out..................no, I'm not.............that has been a long hard and often painful lesson, but one I have learnt......

And now I wait to find out....but as to how long I wait....................I will see.

Ripping my heart out and a box of tissues

Today is a very sad day for me.

One of those days where you feel your heart is being ripped from your body, one of those days where you can hardly speak because the pain that fills you, stops the message from the brain to your lips and you are unable to form coherent sentence or sometimes even words.

The sort of day when you hope no one will be too nice to you, because the simplest look of sympathy or understanding of how you feel is enough to send you over the edge.

One of those days where the easiest of things stops you like you have walked into a wall, where you find yourself standing unable to move because you cannot think what you were going to do because the sadness is overwhelming.

I found myself walking along with tears pouring from my eyes, unable to stop them.
I was filled with complete despair.

At lunchtime I looked at my phone and there was a message, not a big long complicated message, a simple message.

My slave x

That was all the words said.........but that is not what my heart heard.

It hasn't made the pain go away, it hasn't made the pain less, but it has made it bearable.

It will pass, it always does; but for the time being I am holding onto those words............... "My slave x" .

That and a big box of tissues.

This morning we talked again.
He made me look at him, in the eye. After all this time, does he not know how hard I find it? Of course he does, that's why he did it I guess.
Its so hard to hold his gaze, I desperately wanted to do as he says, to obey, yet my heart quaked beneath his piercing eyes, my submissive soul quivered under his domination.
I tried to do it, but no matter how hard, I found myself lowering my eyes.
He did not get cross. I heard him clear his throat. I looked up.
I looked again. It was like a battle inside my head.

Obey, obey, obey.
Submissive feeling don't look, submissive feelings don't look.

Obey won.

Then there was the thoughtful 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmm".

He told me I looked lost, like a small girl, unsure. without direction....................

And tonight he is going to solve this.
He has a plan.
I know what his plans include.

It includes lots and lots of questions, probing, searching deep within my heart. I feel like my brain is turned inside out , examined and put back together the way he wants, the way he likes, the way that is right.
It includes measured control; every moment, every breath, every word.

It includes pain. It is not the pain, it is the control that comes with it.

It includes openness, honesty, truth.

It includes humiliation.

It includes trust, total trust; unquestioning belief in what he does is what is good for me , what is right.

It is submission.

I am his slave.

No more lurking

Love your Lurkers day finally made me do it :finally, begin a blog. So firstly, please excuse the layout of the blog as I tinker with it, procrastinate, change my mind and find my way around.

So where to start.............do I write about how I have been a slave for a year? or how in my heart I have always been submissive? Do I write about the life I have lead so far? or the one that lays before me? or do I stop asking rhetorical questions and just get on with it? 

I will hold up my hand and say....I have lurked for a couple of years........I have commented occasionally (EH) when posts I have read have moved me, and I have been overcome with the need to have my say. Now I wonder what has changed, that has finally moved me to take finger to keyboard (it doesn't have the same ring to it as "pen to paper"...but you know what I mean) to open myself up, open to question , to comment, to discussion? I think maybe my owner's relentless questioning and probing has finally got to me. So today, is the first day, the first time I lay myself open to whoever chooses to read what will follow.