The thoughts I had today

Today I was by myself and it was wonderful.

I do like the company of other people. I also love sitting in a room surrounded by people, or watching people at airports, watching the ebb and flow,the purpose with which people move, the expressions on their faces, the myriad of emotions on display.

I like overhearing half conversations, either because it is "half a conversation", like overhearing a phone call, or just being able to hear snatches of a whole conversation; the interplay of words, expression , intonation and questioning.

I like being able to watch people talk when I can't hear them, watching their faces their body language and how they become part of their surroundings or are completely cocooned in their own private world.

I love the fact that it is like a snapshot of people's lives, a moment frozen in time, an distorted opinion of what and who they are that often bears no relation to reality.........that's what I like about it........its like a play, with an ever changing company of characters.

But today I was by myself....in my car. Isolated in my own little world, my own little environment where I get to control the temperature, the sounds I hear and even to a great extent the sights I see.

I was in control, there was no one but me. In my car is one of the places I think, so is the shower, and my favourite place is sitting on the beach gazing out at the ocean. I like the fact that its ever changing but also entirely predictable.

So today in the think that I was thinking, I thought about the year that I have had, the year we have had. How far I have come, how he has taught me, led and guided me. The level of his patience when I close down and find it hard to be as open as he demands.

I thought about how he has let me live the life I needed to lead, how he allowed me to leave when it was needed and how he has worked so hard to find the time, against all the odds to ensure that things remain the same. I have thought how he has supported me through some difficult times this year and how I know that the support will continue.

I thought about how he seems to instinctively know what it is I need and that sometimes he just does it and other times he makes me work it out, ask for it, beg for it and then thank him when he has finished.

I though about how he has beaten me, with his hand, his fist, canes, whips, crops, anything that he thinks will be effective, how I have dreaded it and how I have longed for it with every cell in my body, how my whole body has hurt and  how it has stopped my heart hurting.

I thought about how I have been bound and restrained; how there have been times when I haven't been able to move at all, how other times any movement will result in pain and discomfort. Other times I have had to ask before moving at all, and how many hours I have been at the end of his rope.

I thought of the times he has stroked my hair, allowed me to kneel at his feet, my head on his knee, how he has held me and comforted me, soothed me while I sobbed from pain, and how he has lifted me up and looked into my eyes and I have seen his happiness, his pleasure and his pride.

I thought of the times he has rammed his cock into me, forcing it down my throat till I gag and plead for breath, how he has pounded  into me until I am too sore to walk, and of the pleasure he gets from it, and how he allows me to cum, how I have to cum for him and being allowed to have his cock in my mouth and the pleasure I get from that.

I thought about he times he has humiliated me, made me feel less than nothing, just a thing for his amusement, a toy for his pleasure, for him to use and hurt for his own enjoyment and I have realised that this does not make me less than nothing, it makes me what I am, his slave.

I thought about when he has quietened me with a single look, made me still with a single word.

I thought about how he has enslaved my soul, my life and my heart and by doing so has set me free

Pondering my place

Last night we talked briefly................he told me he was glad I was back safely, that he had missed me, and that, in the words that make various bodily parts of me clench, shake, moisten, quiver, sink, leap, spin and feel all peculiar, he said...................."hmmmmm, ahhhhhhhh, ohhhhhhhhhh, " as he put me under the metaphorical microscope..............."I think.............we need some time..........I need to use you, for you to feel my control, and this time it is going to be hard, very hard and you will ask me, beg me for it, and thank me when I am done with you".

And from some where deep inside a whispered voice replied "Yes please Sir".

So now I have to wait to see, I am left to ponder without trying to think about it.

No second guessing.

No predictions.

Just pondering

I cannot ask, I cannot cajole, or push or introduce it as a topic for discussion, or whinge or whine.

Nothing

So I wait, until he is ready, until he has thought exactly what he wants, needs to do, until then........................I am allowed to ponder my place, my purpose, my role................no more