Leap of faith

He asked me if he had changed since his stroke, and expected me to answer straight away. I said I needed to think about it before I could give a considered answer. So he let me think and we have discussed it, but in the meantime there was something else I said to him that has upset his Domly feelings.

We were talking about when I come home, which may now have to be moved back a week due to complications and time stuff, however, when we were discussing something, he was walking about hog tying me and using me. I must have pulled a face or had some expression he didn't like  and he asked me what was wrong

 I told him I was scared. there was a deafening silence down the line.
"Scared? Are you scared of me"

Well no I am not scared of HIM per se, however I am scared that once I am in that position he can and will do exactly as he pleases.
I thought long and hard about it. Am I anxious, or nervous , or scared?
I am scared.

He was not happy at all.He wasn't angry with me and made it very clear that he wasn't, however, he was  a little hurt that I could be scared of him.

He could understand anxiety or nerves....but fear? He could not understand how if I trust him, how I can be scared. When then got him to thinking that I can't possibly trust him 100%. Which then in turn took us back to the original question....Has he changed?

I think I may have told him about being scared, because it was my way of answering the first question. I am scared. I am not sure what I am scared of, I am just scared. It is a long time since I have been with him, it is six months, but that should just make me anxious I think, as well as excited and nervously expectant.

However I am scared, not hugely, but I am.

So thinking further about this and what I had said he decided to get me to lie with my hand behind my back and let him see my cunt, to hold it open , to use it for his pleasure. He then explained htat it did'nt matter where I am, he has the control. That was not how I was feeling. I explained to him , that it would be totally different.

Here, I could, in theory, just move my hand, close my  legs and shut the cam and there is nothing that he can do about it. That I choose to submit to him at each level., at each order. I know that this is something I would find hard not to do, and in fact I do it automatically, but in reality I could stop.

Once I am there with him, and he has me tied and exposed, there is NOTHING I can do. I choose to submit all in one lump, give the whole lot of control at once, that is what he has, he holds, and I hold nothing. I know that is what this is about, and its what I said I would give him...all the control...but now i am scared to. he thinks it is a reflection on him, that I don't trust him.

Do I?
  I am not sure.

The old him, yes I did, implicitly. I have, with my life , but the new him...I don't know.
If i don't trust him, how is the dynamic changed, how are "we" changed, how is out life changed?


Has he changed? Yes he has. he is not the man he was. I am not sure many people would see what I see. I see a loss of confidence. On the outside he appears almost the same, but I know deep down inside he feels different. He seems to sometimes not trust his own judgement , or his decision making process, and sometimes I can see why. He is definitely more tetchy, quicker to anger. Is that a result or a consequence.

It is a medical consequence, however  sometimes I feel it is born from frustration with himself and a shorter fuse .

He tell me that since it happened, his feelings for me have deepened, that he still sees me as his slave,and always will, but that he loves me more than he ever did, and sometimes he finds it difficult to hurt me for his pleasure alone. Its not difficult to hurt me as a justified punishment, but just for fun, is not so easy, and he is not so decisive about things now.

He has changed. I don't know if it is all a physical result of the stroke or an emotional response to it

Do I trust him? In theory ...yes ..in practise..? .I am not sure...maybe I only will when we see each other again, and I know for definite that I can, and if my trust is misplaced...then what?
Will my owner be able to do what he could before, make me feel safe?
So many questions to be answered...and I think it will take a leap of faith.....not sure if I have it at the moment.
And if I tell him this, and I must, is there a way around it?

I told him

Well...here goes....

I told him, I told him I was coming home, I told him and he was very happy, he was very happy to know I would be home with him.

And then he asked me when I found out and I told him...and there was an ear splitting silence over the airwaves.......complete........absolute.

"Why slave, why did you wait to tell me?"

And I just shrugged, because for the life of me I could not find the words to explain to him the myriad of feelings that have gone through my mind since I found out.

I tried to find the words to explain, and fumbled and mumbled until he sort of got an understanding.
He smiled at me, laughed gently and told me how happy he was.

I wanted to weep buckets, but I didn't.


Then things started to fall apart big time.

He was concerned that I was so tired, I have had a hard few days back at work and was just tired, extra work, extra pressure, just stuff and lots of nightmares and disturbed sleep. This is not new, but it is a bit worse at the moment. He has noticed that when he lessens the control they get worse, I sleep worse, its just not good.

We were talking, and I know I was looking worried, I know I was and he said, "Relax slave, its ok, we are are talking, nothing is going to happen"

Then he reassured me again, "I will say if we are going to do anything".

He asked me a few more questions, asked me how, on a scale of 1-8 I felt the level of control was at that moment.

My TENS unit goes 1-8

I told him it was 6, he asked me to clarify, which I did, and then he told me to get the unit and put it on my nipples and turn it on. I was shocked, he had said, he had ...but he just told me to do this out of the blue. It stayed there on 1, for a while and then he turned it up to 2, it hurt initially and then it was bearable.

Then it was turned up to 3 and it hurt, it fucking hurt, but more than the pain in my nipples and tits, it hurt me.

He told me to use my finger to play with myself. I was crying by now, I felt heart broken, I really did. I remember muttering under my breath, "You are just like the rest of them", but he didn't hear me, he just heard me crying and told me to turn it off. He talked to me for a while, I stopped crying, but I was so sad, I felt betrayed. I now had no words to say, nothing to tell him how I felt and so he sent me to bed, to sleep He stayed there. I know he stayed there because I peeped, and then I fell asleep.

He wasn't there when I woke at 2 am, or a 3am ,he wasn't there when I woke up crying at 4 am, but he was there when I woke at 5am and gave up trying to sleep. We talked. I was quiet, he was wondering, knowing I was hurting, but not why.

I went to work and pissed him off when I couldn't talk to him. In the end I wrote him and e mail, telling him how I had felt last night.
When he got it he called me, He is very upset by what I have said.

I told him I felt he had betrayed my trust, that last night I had felt he was "like the others ".

I know he can do what he likes, when he likes, how he likes. But he specifically said to me not to worry, that nothing would happen unless he told me it would and then it did.

He told me that he will talk to me later when he has calmed down and thought things through.I don't want to talk to him, i want to go to sleep without him i want him to leave me alone.
I know it may sound childish and naive, but that me , that's how I feel.

Today I hate him and yet I am so sad that I have hurt him.

Will I ever be able to ask for the knife?

I did think about what aisha  said about enough being said about the knife, and oatmeal girl's comments made me think maybe I should just leave it at that, but at some point I have to face this knife "thing" and decided that maybe here was a the place to begin.

I know he has a knife, I know he has a few, not a great big collection, just a few.

He knows about my past, he knows all about previous things that have happened to me, he tries to get inside my head, to probe and poke, to explore and expose everything, so there is nothing hidden.....and mostly he has done that. There are a few dark corners where things are hidden, not necessarily from him, but maybe more from myself, and there lurking in one of those corners lives a knife.

Its not my owner's knife.....but a knife from long time ago, from a different life, when I was not the woman I am today, but from a time that began to make me who I am.

The knife belonged to my partner, well it belonged to me actually, it belonged in my knife set on the side in the kitchen, but when he picked it up and put it to my throat, it belonged to him...............when he placed the edge of the knife under my chin and began to push...........it belonged to him, when he held me over a bowl of boiling water and the knife was the alternative it belonged to him When he threw it on the floor  and stumbled out of the room it once again belonged to me.

When I moved the knives , and put them away, they belonged to me............but when he came home in a drunken temper or when he was angry with something he thought I may have done, if i was late,or the dinner wasn't to his liking, there were times when the knife became his again............and he would threaten to cut my throat, to do the same to the children, to cut my face so no one else would want me,to hurt me with the knife.

So this is why the knife stays in the dark corner in my mind............hidden and away.........

So the first time my owner got the knife out, I thought I would die, not in a good way, but I really thought I might die, like I had so many times before, when there had been a real possibility.

I was mesmerized by the knife, not wanting to look but fearing that if I took my eyes off it for one second I would not know where it was, I fought to retain some control over myself, he called me, he touched me and I shrank further into the corner, in the end he called me by my given name and told me the knife was going away, he would not be using it, it was gone.

And strange as that may seem, it was easier to be like that, to feel something, than to be so resigned to my fate as I had been in the past;  that I had actually got to the point where I no longer cared if my ex carried through with one of his threats to me , because it was easier than living with the constant fear and uncertainty. 

So feeling scared, being allowed to be scared was good...........it was a relief.  When I calmed down, when he held me, wiped away my tears, held me more so I couldn't move and inch, when he told me to breathe, when he put his hands round my neck and controlled each breath until I was calm, when he got the stories out of me, and he understood more about me and my reaction, when some ghosts were laid,
I remember how I felt, I felt like I had let him down, along with all the other feelings, that is how I felt. It was not something he made me feel, and he told me I wasn't to feel it.

I know he has a knife, I don't know where he keeps it.

Sometimes he gets one out and lays it on the table beside the bed.........sometimes it is on the floor, it is in its case, sometimes it is on the bed.................and then I get jumpy, it still makes me cry. He has got it out of the case and shown me and that makes me cry..........not hysterically any more but it makes me cry.
Occasionally he runs it over my body, in its case,but he has promised me that he will not take it out and run it over me until I ask him.
 
And will I ever ask him?

I don't know. I would love to be able to........................its not a trust issue, its a little black hole in my soul issue.

Face like a bullfrog in a drought...or...how is he always right?

The deepest darkest fears thing was all sorted out....he has spent the last 2 days asking me what wrong, why am I "off" what is wrong...endlessly, over and over again, disguised in different words but all asking the same question and all I could do was answer honestly..there was nothing wrong , I was fine, just because  I wasn't leaping round with a smile on my face doesn't mean anything is wrong.

I think the words"I am fine" are like a red rag to a bull to him. He thinks I am hiding something: some deep and meaningful hidden feeling, worry or concern, ...but really it just means "I am fine, its Monday, or Tuesday, I have work, I have stuff to do, nothing is wrong and ................I am fine thank you Sir"

Yesterday I think he reached the end of his tether with my protestations of "fineness".. Maybe it was that I had the face of a bull frog in a drought, or my monosyllabic answers that finally convinced him that maybe , even if I didn't know there was something wrong, that there actually was...and so step were taken,

I was resentful, standing there, humiliated, feeling hurt and angry that he wouldn't believe me that everything was ok, tears pouring down my face , like an innocent in the dock.

H e tried again........and then I though he had given up and he sent me to bed. I did all my usual rituals, bedtimes stuff, and then he had me tie my feet together,  then to my hands, and tie them together, wished me goodnight, told me to turn down the light, set the alarm, not to move out of bed till he came back to talk to me in the morning and to sleep.................

Well...I wriggled and I huffed and puffed and couldn't get comfortable, I thought I would never sleep. the rope dug into me, they rubbed, they were too tight, every time I moved they hurt. The stupid thing was they weren't tight, in fact I could have slipped my hands out at any time ...but it never occurred to me.


Finally I stopped fighting them, discovered where the limitations were, where I was comfortable, what I was able to do, and not.(did I mention I wriggly like a demented worm in bleach in bed?) fight it any more, and I slept...peacefully, no dreaming...no waking....nothing...just sleep.

He was waiting for me when I woke up.............I felt like a different person......light and free...controlled, soooooooo submissive and happy.  I lay on the bed talking to him , and then still bound came for him,. He said do it slowly, make it last, I lasted about 20 seconds before I had to beg him to be allowed to cum, leaving a wet patch on the bed.

And he gave me the task to think about why I was feeling so much better.......... .and I came up with the reasons.................

This weekend I am going away, deeper into the jungle and will not be able to talk with him  much and I guess I was frightened of being without him..hence the face like a bullfrog...........an overwhelming sense of sadness and aloneness that clouded my vision, but was obviously all too clearly written all over my face.

And the rope thing...............hmmmm..........he is so clever...always ahead of me....talk about metaphor.........limitations.......comfort.....fighting and acceptance......

So even when I think I am hiding from myself he knows where to find me, and mouse (thank you for your comments) you are right, I should trust him, and my own judgment, he really does know me better than I do, he knows what I need and what is good for me, and I should leave myself completely in his hands.

I found it... the deep and meaingful one

The very nature of the female anatomy hides the physical essence of our femininity: like the beauty within an unopened wild orchid. The space in which we grow are children is hidden, deep within our bodies and so it is hardly surprising that being trained to be open is difficult, difficult on the heart, on the mind and on the sense of self. Years of  society's, family and personal conditioning  that needs to be explored, opened, undone.

Physically it is easier for some to be open, to allow themselves to find peace in satisfyingly their master's expectation that they are physically open. For me, this is  not a problem, it has never really been a problem; not after the first few toe curling, cheek reddening, embarrassing moments when I wanted to curl up and die, thinking that he only saw the imperfections I see each time I look in the mirror. Now I no longer think about it as he inspects me.  It is just something that happens. That he watches me shower, that the parts of me that are hidden from the world are his to look at, explore, examine and generally to with and too what he so chooses, is just the way it is.

So why do I find it so hard to open up my thoughts in the same way? Is it a matter of self preservation? What he doesn't know about me he cant use against me, judge me and my failings, or is it some deeper fear that he will get my feeling and lay them on the table; look at them, explore and examine them and do with them and to them whatever he so chooses?
 I have no reason to think any of this. He has never, at any point, done anything to lead me to believe that he will, in fact completely the opposite. He can be demanding, exacting, persistent, , manipulative (sounds like a check list for a good master) etc etc, but he is loving and kind, patient thoughtful and supportive, gentle and operates with my best interest at the base of our dynamic.

I have knelt before him, naked, with his hand on my throat, the pressure from his fingers increasing until the last thing I think of before I am enveloped in peace and blackness is him, my trust in him and his ability and desire to look after me, and yet I know I hold things back, and I know he knows. And each time I do, the punishment is worse( no I don't do it for the punishments...I hate them and all the feelings that are tied in with them!).

I wish I knew.