A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Tuesday, 31 May 2011

At the forefront of my thoughts

There is something in the air. There is a look on his face and a tone in his voice...something is brewing and I don't know what it is.

I will not ask, if he wants to tell me, he will.

If he wants me to know, I will be told...but until then I will watch his face and listen to his voice.

And maybe this is what he wants, maybe this is all his plan is, that I focus on him, that he is in the forefront of my thoughts.

Monday, 30 May 2011

No title

Opening my self to you.
Trying to trust.
No you, but myself.
Waves breaking on the beach
Crashing, rising and falling., receeding
In the night do you hear my soul cry out for you?
Do you?

Just one of those days

Sunday, 29 May 2011

All you have to do is to do as you are told

I think that this is the longest I have gone without writing a post since I first started...and why? I don't know.

Partly its been very busy and I have been working flat out, partly I have been asleep when I haven't been working and partly because I seem to have nothing to say, well I did have nothing to say...but now I have lots to say.

This morning we were talking, through a mixture of telephone and laptop and he said almost without any context................."If you were to just do as you were told then I would be very happy, all you have to do is do as I tell you".

He wasn't moaning at me, I haven't been particularly bad, or disobedient, I haven't done anything wrong. I am not due to be punished or anything like that......................so it wasn't as if he was telling me off.

He was just stating a fact.

Not long after he said it, we finished the conversation and I left for the day.

But it got me thinking, it really got me thinking.

If I do as he tells me he will be happy, all I have to do is what he tells me.................I began to think that it was an easy thing to do, just do as he tell me cant to too hard, its what I have done for a long time, its what he has taught me, it how things are..........................but actually when it comes down to it, its not easy at all.
The reason is? Its not just about what he tell me. Its what he doesn't tell me too...its what he expects, its how he expects me to be, to think (to a point) and how he expects me to behave.
So what are his expectations and do I meet them?

He expects me to look after myself and keep myself healthy and safe.

Do I do this? Yes I do. I work hard, on the whole I am very healthy. I have had all my inoculations (makes me sound like a small puppy), I take my malaria tablets, I am careful about infection control. I eat well (mostly, although at the moment , I have lost my appetite and am struggling to find anything I want to eat) and try to make sure I drink enough to compensate for the crazy temperature. I go to the gym and work out. I drive carefully, don't wander too much in the jungle, and make sure that I don't purposely put myself in dangerous situations. However, I am not all saintly, I don;t get enough sleep and play my ipod too loud....both of which annoys him.

He expects to know where I am.

This one I am not so good at. I am often late telling him when I am back home, or when I have had to go out where I am going and when I expect to be back. This is one of the things that I get into trouble for on a fairly regular basis. would it be easy to change. Yes it would, all I have to do is think more about him, and keep him at the forefront of my thoughts more, and realise why it is he wants to know.

He expects me to be available to him when ever he wants me to.

 This is difficult in our present circumstances, but disregarding that, I know that whatever he tell me to do I have to do. I have to be available to him whenever he wants me. He has called me to come home from parties so I can strip from him, I have left a dinner and gone on webcam and cum for him and then returned to the dinner. I open my legs when ever he says.
Physically I am available to be used however he sees fit, whenever he wants, however, mentally...I am not so sure, well, as I'm being honest with everyone, even myself for a change, no mentally.... I am not available to him whenever he wants. I still hold things back, still don't tell him everything, still self censor, its often  not deliberate, more  a case of "why would he want to know the mundane", when actually I know I don't have the right to decide what I think he may or may not want to know. So I am a big failure at this.

He expects me to work hard and do my job properly

It was his decision to let me work, and so it is a reflection of his decision making if I am not successful. He is paying a price for me being away, and as such , he expects me to make the very most of it. People rely on me and he expects me to be the very best that I can be....I am.

He expects me to tell the truth.

I do not lie to him, but I do not always tell him everything, so in that respect I do not tell him the truth, it is lying by omission.....and if he catches me doing this, for whatever reason, I am always punished, and if I do it about eh same thing more than once, then I am severely punished. It has been a while since I was punished for this, so I guess I am getting better at it. I do have occasions when I just have to say to him"I am not allowed to tell you, I am not allowed to talk about it", and that he accepts completely. But I know if I were to use that  when I didn't need to, I would pay a big big price.

Whatever he tells me to do, I must do....there is no choice.

Obviously I have to trust him to make sensible decisions, to not make me do anything that would endanger my life, compromise my job or my safety. I know he would not ask me to do anything illegal. There are time when I hate doing some of the things he ask me to, but I do them. They are embarrassing, degrading, painful...........but they are the things he wants me to do. Sometimes they are to teach me a lesson about something, sometimes they are a punishment, sometimes they are done to give him pleasure, sometimes he gets the pleasure from the control rather than the act itself, sometimes they are to remind me of my place in life, that I am submissive , that I gave him my submission  and he owns me, and sometimes it is just because he can make me do whatever he wants.
There are times when I have tried to wheedle my way out of things, tried to talk him out of it, distract hi, make him forget, on two occasions I have said no, but in the end I have always done as he wanted me to. Why? Because I made the decision to submits to him, and he chose to accept it, and so that is how my life is..........I submit and i am happy. I am loved and I am cared for, my needs are met and I have accepted that he knows what is best for me and for us.

All I have to do, is do as I am told.

So why do I get things wrong? Why do I forget the most simple of things, why do I sometimes forget to put my rope on in bed? Or write his words of ownership around my nipples each time I take a shower?Why do i sometimes not include enough "Sir" in my conversations? or fail to update him on my whereabouts? and a million other little things that he has to remind me of?

I don't know.

Its not a conscious decision, so I wonder what goes on deep inside my head.
Its not so easy to "just do as I tell you" and live in the real world too.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Meeting my needs

There is a feeling deep inside me....a longing...an emptiness.....I miss him so much.

I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of emotions, highs and lows...moments of such closeness that dispel the miles between us in a heartbeat and a great yawning chasm of distance, both physical and emotional.
After the other night I have come to think that maybe its because after such intensity I am not getting what I need, the physical comfort, the closeness and his arms around me.

He tells me he doesn't always see what I need, he can't always work it out, and that I should ask him for what I need......but how do you ask for something when you are not sure what it is?  Or how do you ask for something you know you can't have...and is there any point? If I ask for something I know I can't have, will it make it any better? Will it make me feel worse and how will it make him feel that he cannot give me what I need?

Why is my head so full of questions?

On a happier note the Little Black Cat is running around and looking a lot better,:)

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Little Black Cat

The little black cat turned up again today, I haven't seen her for a few days, she looked terrible. She was thin and balding, and very hungry and there was a big cut on her leg, almost the whole length of it.

 She walked painfully towards me and lay down at my feet, purring gently, her eyes filled with pain.
I picked up her thin little body and carefully carried her inside. Looking at the cut I could see it was relatively clean, only small signs of infection. I bathed it carefully, trimmed the fur, dried it, filled it full with antiseptic powder and dressed it.

All the time I did this she didn't once flinch, didn't once take her eyes of my face and didn't once complain.

I fed her some cooked chicken, syringed water into her all evening, and now she is curled up in a box at the end of my bed, when I move she stirs and if I bend down I can hear her purr.

To have a stray animal place so much trust in me is a responsibility, but one I gladly take. It reminds me of the Little Prince and the fox.

.............."It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." 

Hmm, im just not sure with the LBC....... who is taming whom. 

As I typed this , she crawled out of the lox and sat on my lap top:)

Monday, 23 May 2011

Taking the rope between my teeth

Last night he decided that I had been lax, sloppy and careless. But he also said that he had taken his"eye off the ball and let things slide", and that he is the owner, the Master and that therefore the responsibility lay with him. That I was not at fault as such, more that I was responding to his loosening of the controls. However, in saying that he felt I too could have spoken up and taken responsibility and told him that I felt things were not"As they should be".

He is right, I could have, maybe even should have, but I was enjoying myself, even if  Iwas beginning to feel a little discombobulated.

Last night he decided to begin to rectify the situation.

I had to lay on the floor and wait for him, with the instruction to think about how I could have behaved more responsibly, more appropriately.

So I waited, and waited and waited....and waited.

Finally he returned and had me kneel in front of him, put the hood on and then a hard ouchy peg on each nipple and sit and listen to him talking about the areas he felt I was no longer behaving as I should. He spoke of what I could have done and what he should have done.

He talked about how my focus had come off him and was more on what I wanted and needed. He acknowledged that my work was particularly demanding at present, but that I was not at work all the time, and that at those other times, He should be my focus, nobody else, him.

He talked about control and how I seem to think sometimes that I have a say in when or how he uses me. For the record I don't , but if the man asks you, "Do you want to play?" and you have just worked 17 hours straight...."No thank you Sir" seems a reasonable response. Apparently, its not!

To remind me ..............he let me remove the pegs from my very sore nipples and thread a thin rope through a hole in each one.

I had to stick the large plug to the floor and sit on it, I was allowed to put it in my cunt to lubricate it, and then I had to lower myself onto it, feeling it forcing it way deep inside me.

The large vibrator was placed on the floor withing my reach.

He told me to take the rope between my  teeth and sit up straight, with my hands on my head.
The pain rushed through me as I felt the pegs pulling on my already swollen nipples, the plug filling me and the solitude of the hood engulfed me.

He left me for about ten minutes and then I heard him whisper

"Slave you can let go of the rope at nay time, you can lower your hands at any time.......but when you do, you must get the vibrator and make yourself cum".

It sounded quite tempting to let go of the rope, I let it fall from my teeth, and the pain in my nipples reduced immediately..............."Get the vibrator and cum for me slave".

My cunt was wet, and as I began to rub the vibe over my clit and cunt lips I felt my orgasm rising fast. I asked to cum and waited for his response.

"Now slave, cum for me now" and I did.
As I wriggled and writhed on the floor the plug pushed against the inside of my cunt , filling me more.

"Rope slave, back in your mouth".

This time it really hurt.

"Hands back on your head"
I sat like that for about fifteen minutes, my breath getting faster, my nipples burning, drooling slightly, my arms beginning to shake.

"Remember any time slave, any time you want."
I lowered my arms.

"Cum slave, but you didn't let go of the rope............. so it stays there"
This time the pain outweighed the pleasure, it hurt. I cried.
"Take off the hood slave , I want to see your face"

Again my arms went on my head. My nipples were so sore from the pulling on the rope as I came. I tried to adjust it and it fell from my mouth. I gasped.
"You know what to do slave".

This time I had to keep my hands on my head and push the vibe into my cunt, and lean forward onto the floor more to keep it in. My tits swinging as I came for him. Crying , begging to be allowed to cum, but not wanting to.

"Rope back slave,and sit up straight, this is what I mean about sloppy".

And that was all I really remember, there are bits; flashes of memory,words, feelings, pain. I remember cumming at least twice more and begging him to take the pegs off. I don't even remember the pain when they came off.

He made me wait for the hour, and I remember getting a pillow and and blanket ,and hearing his voice filling my head, soft words, soothing words, loving words.

I woke a couple of hours later and he was waiting for me, he told me to shower, to clean myself up, to wrap myself in a big soft towel and lie down on the bed.
He told me he loved me and I was his, for now and for ever. He called me his "Good girl" and I slept.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Biting the tip of my tongue

There are times when I just get fed up with the control.

There are times when I just want to shout " I can do this without you, I can make up my own mind, make my own decisions".

This is one of these times. I am fighting hard not to shout, not to roll my eyes and pull a face when I have to ask. Its not about micro management, it about control.

For example this morning when I woke up I needed to pee, but I have to ask if I can go, I did and came back to bed and lay down. Its difficult to see the laptop lying down , so I sat up and was asked why I sat up, had I asked if I could sit up? I have to ask if I want a drink, or if I need a tissue.

I have to wait to be told to go to the shower and when to get in and out, when to go back to my room, He chooses my clothes when its appropriate.

He controls what time I go to bed, within the constraints of work. I have outlines of what I am expected to do in the spare time I have, and each day I must tell him what I have done. I have to ask to call my family, although if I NEED  to, then I am allowed to just do it, and tell him afterwards.
He has now told me I must take my phone with me everywhere I go, and have it connected to the internet at all times in case he wants to leave me a message.

At the moment its driving me crazy. For example, last night he told me I could go to a party that was on, he said I had to be back by 12, so I was. And when I got online to talk to him; he was snappy and grumpy. I asked him why. He told me he had been waiting for me, normally I don't stay out that late when I have been working and he was expecting me earlier and had been waiting. He wanted some time with me. It was on the tip of my tongue to remind him that it was HIM that said 12, not me that asked, it was him who said "Go, you will have fun", it was him. But I didn't. There is no point.

The reason I don't fight back, the reason I don't say anything.....because he has the control...........he can say what he likes......but I think the tip of my tongue may soon fall off.

I have been thinking about why it is bothering me so much is that  work has been so busy, he has backed off a bit, given me time to do what I have to do, and so the level of control has dropped, the level of interaction has fallen, and I have become used to it ...........and now any control just is driving me crazy. I know when he clamps down again I will be resentful and fight it, I know, but oh I will be so pleased when it is back.....

Saturday, 21 May 2011

A far away look

I have worked two 17 hour days in the five days, and I am worn out. He has been very considerate, and can see from my face how tired I am. Last night, I do not think my head had sunk into the pillow before I was asleep, and for once I slept most of the night, although about 4 am I did get woken by an ant biting my bum!

This morning I was allowed a lie in till 6.30, which was such a luxury, as he normally makes me wake at 5.15am. I was very grateful, but wanted to sleep more....but wasn't allowed.

We had a breif conversation before I went off to the gym and for a few hours at work. He told me that he has been very patient (he has), very understanding (he has) about my work commitments But he has needs, and so these needs have to be met, and they have to be met by me. And so very soon, we are to have a  big long and painful play session.................for hi;, to please him, to give him some fun, for me to show him how much I miss him, how much I need his control, how much of a pain slut I am (he thinks I may have forgotten that I am his pain slut), for him to remind me where my place is, to feel humiliation, pain, to beg, and plead, to be reduced to just feelings, be be emptied of "self", to be his toy, for his use and pleasure, to have no thoughts of myself and my needs.

Not a long list then...sound like this might have to be a very long play session to get through all of this.
I saw his face when he was thinking about it, and it had one of those far away looks that they get when they are planning, a slightly cruel twist tot he lip and then and evil grin...holy crap....do you think if i tell him I am tired it will make any difference?

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Rip her head off and poke her eyes out with a stick

I told him this morning that I would "rip her head off and poke her eyes out with the stick"....in case you haven't read yesterdays post, its about him bringing a blonde into our relationship.

Please let me make this quite, in fact, very clear, its not he fact that he was suggesting a blonde....I have been blonde twice in my life time...once naturally as as child and once care of Clarioll not too long ago....more the fact that he wanted to bring someone else to join in. I was especially miffed (murderous rather than miffed, but I realise that this post is beginning to sounds like I am in need of locking up, so "miffed " sounds quite benign)  at the thought of him wanting this when I come home at sometime in the future.
I had visions of cosy times in, time spent together doing nice things together, maybe in front of the fire...all romantic and stuff...and he wants to throw a buxom (did I mention that ?) blonde into the equation.

Anyway, back to the point....I told him exactly how I felt...............and his response was a little unexpected.

I half expected him to retort with ....."We will see" or even "Remember, although I may ask your opinion , and will listen to you, I do not have to take it into consideration", I even half expected to hear him laugh.....but what did I get?

"How do you feel about red heads?"

May I say here and now....it is very fortuitous that there are 14,000 km between us....I hope he appreciates every centimetre is keeping him safe.

I did laugh though.....

I got a text later in the day saying...."Your face was a picture of self control, restraint and annoyance....You are all I need slave".


I think he is feeling every centimetre apart, I know today I am.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

how would you feel if......

Chat, chat, chat, mundane , chat, chat

"How would you feel if I said I wanted a blonde here with me when you next are home?"

The world kept turning.......

My world stood still

"I don't know"

"How would you feel?"
"I don't know Sir, how can I know till it happens, but if that's what you want, if that's what makes you happy, then I guess .......oh I don't know Sir"

"i was hoping for more feeling than that slave"

More feeling? MORE feeling...how about....I don't care what colour her hair is, whatever colour it is I will want to rip it from her head, swiftly following by wrenching her head from her shoulders and throwing her dismembered corpse off any convenient cliff face.

How about.....poking her eyes out with a sharp stick and as for you Sir....a long , slow painful dismemberment..........

"More feeling Sir?"

I think it was the tiny raise of the eyebrow and the far away look in my eyes that gave it away.

"Don't worry slave, if I want a blonde we will just dye your hair"

Oh one day I will swing for him.

He is joking.............right?

beautiful world

There are days when the beauty of the world just fills your heart and makes it soar...today is one of those........a beautiful sunrise in a jungle full of bird sounds....and a full moon too...doesn't get much better.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Not just to open my mouth and let anything fall out

Oh I was so tempted when he spoke to me last night ....oh so tempted when he asked me ",,,,,,,,so my little slave, what do you have to say for yourself?"....to say "Nothing Sir".

Well, I was a little tempted, just in my head, the thoughts had been running through my head for hours...but of course I didn't...I just smiled at him and said hello and asked how he was. He smiled back and said that he was well, that he had been busy, that he had missed me and had wondered how I was.

 Where upon......I burst into flood of tears...telling him how sorry I was, how i would try not to be sarcastic again, how I would be more respectful, how I hated being alone, lonely, without him, unable to talk to him. I sobbed and sniffed and smiled pathetically through more promises to be good, I begged him to please please not ignore me again.
He listened, without reaction, until I had finished, and then very calmly and carefully he explained to me why I had been punished, how he hoped that I had learnt my lesson. He talked to me until I was calm, focused on what he was saying, and then he said "Oh slave, I wish I could hold you now, I wish you were here with me" And i started to cry again.

But this time it was not great big sobs, but long tears running down my face, silently aching inside to feel my owners hand on mine. To feel him stroking my hair, to feel safe within his arms.

He let me cry for a while, then sent me to wash my face, make a drink, get my blanket and curl up on the bed to talk to him.

We talked about mundane stuff, about the house, about family members and then he said something that made all the pain from the last few days just fade into nothing.
"you know slave, it was hard for me too, I missed you, you were in my thoughts, I wondered how you were coping with everything.....my little slave I DID miss you, please don't do it again".

And it was those words; knowing that he missed me enough to tell me, that it was because of my behaviour, because of how I spoke to him that I was punished, but the thing that affected me most, was that my behaviour had a direct impact on how he felt, and that although I was the one being punished, he too had to be deprived of something he wanted.

And in my heart I know just how hard I will try to be better, to be more respectful, to think more carefully before I speak, not just to open my mouth and let anything fall out...there are no guarantees but I will try.

And I have hidden all the pegs!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

"you are many things....but first and foremost you are my slave"

I am now a snot free zone. I would have written earlier, but here in "far away" blogger was unavailable, some of my comment have been wiped off and we had no connection for  a few day...but at last things seem to be working again.

Somehow "he" managed to find the right moment to get online, when it was working and decided that he had waited long enough for me to be well, that whilst he understood I was sick and wanted me to get better, more important things were stirring. He "has needs". ....and as it is my job to make sure that he is happy, and that is my main concern in life, in fact my very role...it was time for me to do my job and be pleasing and entertaining.


There was one comment I made, just one little sentence...all I did was mention in a slightly sarcastic tone that I had not been well..............................and all hell broke loose.

He was not happy with my tone

He was not happy with the contents of my remarks

He was not happy with my attitude

In fact

He was not happy fullstop.

My use of the words "I am not happy" imply that I am feeling a little down, or maybe upset, or worried or just a bit sad.
His use of the words "I am not happy" .......well that means something entirely different altogether.

It means..................there is something you have done slave, or said, or thought that has now changed how I am feeling. There is something that has happened that I do not like and I am going to change it back....SOMETHING WILL BE DONE.

It really was just one of those throw away remarks, flippant.....
He told me that speaking to him like that was not acceptable, that he had been concerned when I was sick, he had been thoughtful and caring and I didn't need to remind him I had been ill, he had spent several days watching me work my way through boxes of tissues etc.

He asked me if I was better........of course I was better....."Yes Sir thank you, I feel fine now".
"Come back in an hour" I was told, "and in that hour I want you to think about what has made me less than happy."

So an hour later I came back and knelt before him to explain.

"Strip slave, no talking.I don't want to hear a sound from you. Get the butt plug and vibrator".

I can only say I scampered off and got them , returning to my place on my knees , and with my rope around my neck I knelt, waiting.
"Butt plug first slave, then vibrator. Get a peg and put it on your tongue" then TENS unit pads went onto each nipple and was turned to sixty percent, then the rope was pulled tighter around my neck, so I could feel it, and looped over my shoulders and wrapped around my feet.

"Turn around slave, on your knees, arse in the air, face on the floor and use that vibrator, use it hard, ram in in and fuck yourself"

Within about fifteen seconds I was desperate to cum..............he was very clear it wasn't going to happen. I couldn't ask..............

My mind filled with nothing with the sensations of the vibrator and the plug, the pain from the TENS and the awareness of the rope on my heck and feet...............

"Cum for me slave"
I didn't need telling twice.... I did.

And as  he kept me there, with my head on the floor, the drool leaving one puddle and the juices from my cunt dripping down my legs I felt overwhelmed by his control.

"Get the hood"
I crawled to where I had left the hood.
"Put it on"
I put it on and stayed where I was.
Back where you belong slave"
I knelt before him
"On no slave that is not where you belong, that is where I let you be when I am happy. You belong over by the wall, on your knees with your face on the floor and your arse in the air."

And so feeling shamed, I crawled back there, remembering that I should never assume anything , I turned around and faced the wall, opened my legs , put my shoulders to the floor and felt my face press into the hood as I lay it on the hard wood.

"Now tell me what you thought about in your hour slave."

And so inside the hood, with the peg on my tongue , I mumbled and tried to speak, to explain I was sorry for the remark, that I know how much he cares about me, how he had worried I was sick, how he had looked after me as much as he could from far away, I tried to appologise for my rudeness, for making him "Less than happy".

When I had finished he left me there and told me to listen for his return.

Maybe ten minutes passed and I heard him, I heard the click of his camera shutter, the zoom of the lens, and his voice
"Get up slave, turn around and come to the camera,"

I crawled closer to the computer and following his instructions adjusted, I removed the hood.

And as I did he was taking photos, my face was  damp from sweat and drool, my hair too, my eyes wide , tear stained and the peg still on my tongue.

He allowed me to remove the peg and turn off the unit..................."You want a shower slave? "
I went to answer him...."Oh no slave, no talking, if you want to talk you will wear the peg" So I nodded.

"Go have your shower , get dry and come back here."

I stood in the hot shower, thinking of what had happened, feeling the water on my body, wanting to stay there forever, yet wanting to be back with him. I wrapped a big towel around myself for comfort and returned to my knees.

"On the bed slave, and remember no talking"

Taking the towel off I climbed into bed.

"I have sent you something slave , I want you to open it now and thin about what I have sent you"
I opened the email and there were the pictures he had taken.

"Remember my slave , you are many things in life, many thing to many people. To me also you are many thing, but first and foremost..............you are my slave. Don't ever forget that"

Another email arrived and this one contained a video of me struggling not to cum, my plugged arse facing the camera, as I ram the big vibrator over and over again into my cunt.

And I started to cry..................big sobs, more snot,

and when I had calmed down a little he asked me what I felt
I reached for the peg and put it on my tongue and told him
""relief Sir"
"You see slave I know what you need, I know what is best for you, all I do I do with your best interests at heart"
He told me to remove the peg, I wasn't not to speak again. In fact I was not to speak to him again until he told me I could. And that when I am alone I am to wear a peg closing my lips and when I am with him I will wear it too................time to think before I open my mouth , and if I want to speak I must put my hand up like a child........and he will decide if I may speak................but for the next two days he will be away and I will not get to talk with him at all, no calls, no text, no IM, no nothing.

I will be allowed to talk with him, but it will be limited when he comes back, so I will have to think more carefully about the words I use and what I say. Speaking like anything else in not a right, it is a gift from him

So now I am alone, with the peg on my lips, closed together, silenced and I am full of words I want to say to him, but until Monday night there will be nothing.

I am his slave. I am his

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Still snotty

1 tub of Vicks, 2 boxes of tissues, several million paracetamol, oranges, throat lozenge...gallons of snot....can you tell im not good at being sick.
Thanks you for the get well messages...it really is nothing more than a cold.........i'm just never ill.....so when I am ................lol.

Red is the colour for noses this season in "far away"...just realised that sounds like I live with Shrek.....:)

too sick to play with

snot is not sexy.....apparently. Full of cold and looking like Rudolph.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Pick Pick Pick

I'm not sure if i even wrote about the other day, I looked but couldn't find it so I guess I didn't. He was in one of those moods what makes you want to creep around hi, to scoot out of the way when he growls. It was one of those moods when whatever I did was never going to be completely right.
So I tried to be invisible. Its not very easy....I tried staying still and not breathing very much , in the hope that he wouldn't notice that I was there. I hoped the cam would freeze, so he couldn't see me...but to no avail.

And once he had me in his sight, once he knew I was awake, there was no stopping him.
First of all he ah d me recite several of his favourite poems to him, starting over again when I made a mistake.
he instructed me to get the buttplug and insert it,then he watched me exercise for an hour. ......picking at every little thing that he didn't like...telling me off for not breathing enough, for not drinking enough, not stretching enough when I had finished.

He let me have a shower...and I didn't wash my hair enough (this man has short hair...how would he know?), didn't dry myself enough ...and on it went.

Pick Pick Pick.

It was getting to the point where I was biting my tongue so I didn't snap back at him.

Then he had me get the vibrator and ram it straight in, closing my legs around it....and begin to "play with your clit slave"...........and I'm not sure what happened.................but omg....it was seconds later...just seconds and I was cumming, writhing round on the floor, aching my back, my whole body shaking, tears running down my face, gasping for breath.................and then I heard him laugh, really laugh...........................

"Good girl....that was just right...............that was perfect..............now go to work........you can clean yourself up........when you finish."

and as I said goodbye to him ......"oh by the way slave, yes I am picky...that's why I picked you......"

*oh sigh, happy smile...silly grin*

Sunday, 8 May 2011

A frustrated heap of squirminess

He has been so busy this last week that we have hardly had time for anything. last night he woke me at midnight for a chat.

Now last night I was feeling quite horny when I went to sleep..............but this time "chat" meant talk, discuss etc. and so I was left in a frustrated little heap of squirminess to go to sleep.

So no wonder I dreamt of being naked, in a room with him and two of his friends and I was kneeling at his feet, serving him and his friends.

I woke up with rock hard nipples and a million questions from him as to what I had been dreaming about.

Is nothing private?

On another entirely different theme......

Its his birthday next weekend.............any suggestions, what I can do for him while I am "far away"...all ideas considered.


Wishing all you mothers out there, and all of you who "mother" a very happy day. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Apparently pulling faces is not an appropriate response to an instruction to get down and dirty

This week I have, apparently, been guilty of "pulling faces".
I think it has been one of those cases whereby you would say to your teenaged children".....and you can stop rolling your eyes at me" or "Don't take that attitude with me young lady".

I fear that I am ...guilty as charged.

I have had a hard week at work, a couple of days have been very long and particularly difficult, the weather has been extra hot and very humid, the a/c failed and its just been hard. I'm tired, but not sleeping well, again my night filled with violent and disturbing dreams and I have been...well I have been...just ...tired.

He has been good, allowing me to go to bed early on the days when I can, even though I know he wants some attention, wants to talk with me, use me, get his "control itch" scratched. However, when I have woken early and he has realized that he has time to have a little fun, he has jumped on it. So barely have my eyes flickered open when the vibrator is in me and I am expected to writhe around in pleasure. Now I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but jeeez...let me wake up a little.
He told me, on the afternoon I was coming home earlier, that it would be good to talk with me, to have some time alone, to talk to each other.............now his idea of talking seems to have changed.
My understanding was that I would sit with a coffee and have thoughts enter my head and I would convey them to him, and I would respond to his words with more of my own. That we would be having verbal discourse.
His idea of talking was to attach every single peg that I have in my possession to the most sensitive and painful parts of my body, to have me insert the vibrator and turn it on full, and then wrap the rope round and round my legs until they were secured. And then to have me jump up and down and see how many of the pegs fell off and how long it would take.

For the record. 26 of them fell off and 42 of them stayed on.

 The level of conversation from my part was a few grunts, some yelping, ouching, moaning and under the breath muttering and swearing .

His conversation involved, a few instruction, including one not to pull another face.

This is not talking.

So next time he says "do you miss talking to me?" my answer is most definitely going to be "No Sir".
He says now that every time I pull a face I am to record it in the book and for each face I will be punished with 10 thwacks of the cane........
I think pulling a face in response to an instruction to be turned on instantly at 5 am, or be excited about having a cold shower because all the hot water has been used up because you had to use the shower head flow to cum at silly o'clock, or anything when you are not in the mood...is perfectly reasonable....but apparently not.

 I know I moan about the hood, but for now it may just be my only refuge!

Thursday, 5 May 2011


I have just watched "Whale Wars"................and I am beyond speech.......there is nothing I can say...other than I just do NOT understand.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

200th and thank you

Yesterday I realised that this  post would be my 200th. I know its not a lot in the greater scheme of things...but I was suprised it had come round so quickly. I wondered what I would write about and then I realised...I would write ....."Thank you".

Thank you to all of you.......you have made me think, laugh, laugh till I cried,  cry, chuckle,
 go "ouch" and "ooooooooh" and 'Ahhhhh" and "Ah haaaaaaaaa".

I have been shown a lot of kindness, compassion and understanding. I have been encouraged and supported, cheer up and had lots of "hugs " when I needed them most. I have been made to think. I have been suprised at the time some people have spent making comments. I have read wise words , funny words and some heartbreaking ones.

You have read about some very happy times, hot times, lonely and miserable times. You have heard about when I have felt good, bad and ugly.

I want to thank you all very much for reading my blog, for adding me, for commenting and for just being there.

And so as I sit her raising my glass of cold red wine to you..........."Thanks from far away."


Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Cranky cumming

This morning he told me to get up early, to get organised and do my jobs because he wanted me to cum in the shower for him.

I hate having a cold shower, it really is one of my pet hates, it makes me cold, miserable and cranky, its a crap way to start the day. he seems to know exactly how much hot water I have and how long to make me stay in the shower before he allows me to start playing, so that by the time I have cum the water is cold.

Its not conducive to feeling sexy, or turned on or anything pleasant to know that what you are doing is going to end up with you standing in a cold shower, soapy and with conditioner in your hair that you still have to rinse...it doesn't make me feel submissive...it just makes me cranky.

So my response to his "Thank you slave, I enjoyed that" was a snarl and a "Well I'm glad one of us did". I didnt even thank him for letting me cum.

I don't think it went down very well, and I was cranky for hours.

And I missed a bit of the conditioner

Monday, 2 May 2011


There is rain, and then there is rain.

Today it has rained almost non stop, from 5.30 am till 6.30pm.
It has poured from the sky like someone has ripped open the cloud with a knife. Endless rain, dark grey and black skies briefly glimpsed through rain that bounces a foot into the air. rain drops the size of a fifty piece piece,clouds hanging low over the jungle trees, birds sitting miserably on branches and small mackat monkeys huddled together in the undergrowth....and still it is hot, still it is 25C and the forecast is for more. There will be flash floods and flooded rivers, snakes will come out of the jungle, followed by all sorts of icky wildlife, roaches, rats and spiders.

And then the sun will come out and everything will steam for a day, the puddles will go, some flowers will bloom and everyhting will look the same all over again.

Life in the rain forest.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Second Payment

I wondered what the next installment would be. I was tired, half asleep, grumpy and did I say tired?

"What was the best bit of your day slave?"

I thought for a moment, hmmmmmmmmm...it was lunch with a friend........such delicious food and good company.
"Lunch Sir"
He had me describe the restaurant, which is a nondescript little place with wooden benches and a wonky picture on the wall, a slightly, well quite a bit grimy decor and no aircon.
He asked me what we had eaten..and as I remembered I was smiling about when my friend unexpectedly bit a hot chilli, and he interrupted me.............
"OK slave, that's enough, that's what I was waiting for...a smile"
'Go to sleep my good girl, sleep well.I love you"
and this time I curled up in my bed and was asleep in minutes.

Paying my dues

He text me yesterday afternoon and told me to get online. When I was online, he told me I was to go to bed and set my alarm for 11.30pm and he would talk to me then.

And so I went to bed, trying hard to sleep is not the best way to be relaxed, I wondered what would happen if I pretended not to wake up....just out of curiosity you understand...but I didn't. I woke up five minutes before the 11.30 aalrm...how is that for good slave training?

He waited until 11.30 and then spoke to me.
He told him that nothing in a slaves life is for free, that nothing that is pleasurable is an expectation and that although he had given me  A "me day", I was now back on "his time" and as such I would be paying for my free time.

He asked me how long my massage had been, and when I told him one hour, I knew immediately i would be doing something for an hour...thast the way he is.

He had me fetch all of his weapons of torture or "toys" as he calls them and then  as I laid them out on the bed, he had me close my eyes and stand up and point to the toys and when he said stop that what he was going to use..........it ended on...........the red rope, the pegs and the vibrator(did I peek...? no!)

He had me knee in front of him and tie the rope as tight as I could to form a rope bra, I'm better at this than him and it drives him crazy, so he made me do it with my eyes closed.............but it wasn't tight enough for him so I had to redo it...and then, holy crap, it was tight.

He chose three pegs and I had to put one on each cunt lip and one on my tongue.
The bowl was placed on the floor by my knees and he had me look at it again. I tried to distance myself from it, to try to disappear it from my sight and mind. I had just about managed it when he told me I was to lie down, but the bowl was to be right in front of my face.
And so as I lowered myself onto the floor, leaning on my bound tits, which incidentally felt like on fire boulders, I placed the bowl in front of me. It filled my field of vision, well that and the stream of drool pooling on the floor.

I lay there, trying to feel my weight off my tits, but he told me to put my hands behind my back and move the bowl to the side and lay my head down on the floor. He then showed me the kitchen timer,,,,,,,,,set for one hour........sixty whole minutes.

The pegs on my cunt paled into insignificance within minutes, as the heat and pain from my tits filled my body, my head, my everything.

I tried counting, I tried tapping my fingers......but he told me to stay still.............I was not to move for the next fifty eight minutes................................

By fifteen minutes the pool of tears matched the pool of drool, by twenty five minutes I hated him with every fibre of my being................I am not sure what happened in the rest of the time. I do remember the vibrator driving me to distraction  and then the next thing I recall is him telling me to stand up.

He told me to remove the tongue peg and have a drink, and then he had me remove the cunt pegs.
He asked me if I remembered cumming,.............. and I didn't.
He snapped at me to move faster, to undo the rope and climb on the bed.

He told me I had paid for some of my treats and to go to sleep and he would call me later to talk to me.
I asked why he was cross with me, what I had done wrong and why he had snapped at me. He told me he wasn't cross, in fact he was very pleased, but I had been moving in slow motion and he wanted to make me focus on getting into bed.

He told me to go to sleep and he would watch over me, but the problem was that my head was empty, there was nothing in it, it felt really noisy in there, I am not sure why, but it felt empty, but full of noise. I couldn't sleep.

He told me off for peeping at him, for wriggling and in the end told me that if I moved I would have to tie myself down.

So I closed my eyes and tried really hard to sleep.

He woke me about three hours later, about four in the morning and told me it was time to pay some more of my debt to him.