A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Sunday, 22 May 2011

Biting the tip of my tongue

There are times when I just get fed up with the control.

There are times when I just want to shout " I can do this without you, I can make up my own mind, make my own decisions".

This is one of these times. I am fighting hard not to shout, not to roll my eyes and pull a face when I have to ask. Its not about micro management, it about control.

For example this morning when I woke up I needed to pee, but I have to ask if I can go, I did and came back to bed and lay down. Its difficult to see the laptop lying down , so I sat up and was asked why I sat up, had I asked if I could sit up? I have to ask if I want a drink, or if I need a tissue.

I have to wait to be told to go to the shower and when to get in and out, when to go back to my room, He chooses my clothes when its appropriate.

He controls what time I go to bed, within the constraints of work. I have outlines of what I am expected to do in the spare time I have, and each day I must tell him what I have done. I have to ask to call my family, although if I NEED  to, then I am allowed to just do it, and tell him afterwards.
He has now told me I must take my phone with me everywhere I go, and have it connected to the internet at all times in case he wants to leave me a message.

At the moment its driving me crazy. For example, last night he told me I could go to a party that was on, he said I had to be back by 12, so I was. And when I got online to talk to him; he was snappy and grumpy. I asked him why. He told me he had been waiting for me, normally I don't stay out that late when I have been working and he was expecting me earlier and had been waiting. He wanted some time with me. It was on the tip of my tongue to remind him that it was HIM that said 12, not me that asked, it was him who said "Go, you will have fun", it was him. But I didn't. There is no point.

The reason I don't fight back, the reason I don't say anything.....because he has the control...........he can say what he likes......but I think the tip of my tongue may soon fall off.

I have been thinking about why it is bothering me so much is that  work has been so busy, he has backed off a bit, given me time to do what I have to do, and so the level of control has dropped, the level of interaction has fallen, and I have become used to it ...........and now any control just is driving me crazy. I know when he clamps down again I will be resentful and fight it, I know, but oh I will be so pleased when it is back.....


  1. I think that would be awfully difficult.



  2. Don't think I could handle it daily. Kinda glad Daddy is a workaholic now.

  3. It must be so hard to let anyone have that kind of control over you.
    I doubt I could learn to enjoy that.. although someone tried once.
    Good luck and hang on to your tongue!

  4. I bite my tngu a lot on some days also....that a talk to myself. abby

  5. aisha,its only when I am with him, when we are online together. the rest of the time I dont have to...but yes sometimes its difficult, and other times I dont notice at all.HSxx

  6. Hi nancy, I guess having given the control to him, I can't then pick and choose which bits he has. My tongue is safe for now:)

  7. Mindset...my owner is a workaholic too, at the moment, because we have a big time difference he is manipulating it for all it worth.

  8. abby...me talk I talk to myself a lot. At least I know what I mean...mostly:)