I think that this is the longest I have gone without writing a post since I first started...and why? I don't know.
Partly its been very busy and I have been working flat out, partly I have been asleep when I haven't been working and partly because I seem to have nothing to say, well I did have nothing to say...but now I have lots to say.
This morning we were talking, through a mixture of telephone and laptop and he said almost without any context................."If you were to just do as you were told then I would be very happy, all you have to do is do as I tell you".
He wasn't moaning at me, I haven't been particularly bad, or disobedient, I haven't done anything wrong. I am not due to be punished or anything like that......................so it wasn't as if he was telling me off.
He was just stating a fact.
Not long after he said it, we finished the conversation and I left for the day.
But it got me thinking, it really got me thinking.
If I do as he tells me he will be happy, all I have to do is what he tells me.................I began to think that it was an easy thing to do, just do as he tell me cant to too hard, its what I have done for a long time, its what he has taught me, it how things are..........................but actually when it comes down to it, its not easy at all.
The reason is? Its not just about what he tell me. Its what he doesn't tell me too...its what he expects, its how he expects me to be, to think (to a point) and how he expects me to behave.
So what are his expectations and do I meet them?
He expects me to look after myself and keep myself healthy and safe.
Do I do this? Yes I do. I work hard, on the whole I am very healthy. I have had all my inoculations (makes me sound like a small puppy), I take my malaria tablets, I am careful about infection control. I eat well (mostly, although at the moment , I have lost my appetite and am struggling to find anything I want to eat) and try to make sure I drink enough to compensate for the crazy temperature. I go to the gym and work out. I drive carefully, don't wander too much in the jungle, and make sure that I don't purposely put myself in dangerous situations. However, I am not all saintly, I don;t get enough sleep and play my ipod too loud....both of which annoys him.
He expects to know where I am.
This one I am not so good at. I am often late telling him when I am back home, or when I have had to go out where I am going and when I expect to be back. This is one of the things that I get into trouble for on a fairly regular basis. would it be easy to change. Yes it would, all I have to do is think more about him, and keep him at the forefront of my thoughts more, and realise why it is he wants to know.
He expects me to be available to him when ever he wants me to.
This is difficult in our present circumstances, but disregarding that, I know that whatever he tell me to do I have to do. I have to be available to him whenever he wants me. He has called me to come home from parties so I can strip from him, I have left a dinner and gone on webcam and cum for him and then returned to the dinner. I open my legs when ever he says.
Physically I am available to be used however he sees fit, whenever he wants, however, mentally...I am not so sure, well, as I'm being honest with everyone, even myself for a change, no mentally.... I am not available to him whenever he wants. I still hold things back, still don't tell him everything, still self censor, its often not deliberate, more a case of "why would he want to know the mundane", when actually I know I don't have the right to decide what I think he may or may not want to know. So I am a big failure at this.
He expects me to work hard and do my job properly
It was his decision to let me work, and so it is a reflection of his decision making if I am not successful. He is paying a price for me being away, and as such , he expects me to make the very most of it. People rely on me and he expects me to be the very best that I can be....I am.
He expects me to tell the truth.
I do not lie to him, but I do not always tell him everything, so in that respect I do not tell him the truth, it is lying by omission.....and if he catches me doing this, for whatever reason, I am always punished, and if I do it about eh same thing more than once, then I am severely punished. It has been a while since I was punished for this, so I guess I am getting better at it. I do have occasions when I just have to say to him"I am not allowed to tell you, I am not allowed to talk about it", and that he accepts completely. But I know if I were to use that when I didn't need to, I would pay a big big price.
Whatever he tells me to do, I must do....there is no choice.
Obviously I have to trust him to make sensible decisions, to not make me do anything that would endanger my life, compromise my job or my safety. I know he would not ask me to do anything illegal. There are time when I hate doing some of the things he ask me to, but I do them. They are embarrassing, degrading, painful...........but they are the things he wants me to do. Sometimes they are to teach me a lesson about something, sometimes they are a punishment, sometimes they are done to give him pleasure, sometimes he gets the pleasure from the control rather than the act itself, sometimes they are to remind me of my place in life, that I am submissive , that I gave him my submission and he owns me, and sometimes it is just because he can make me do whatever he wants.
There are times when I have tried to wheedle my way out of things, tried to talk him out of it, distract hi, make him forget, on two occasions I have said no, but in the end I have always done as he wanted me to. Why? Because I made the decision to submits to him, and he chose to accept it, and so that is how my life is..........I submit and i am happy. I am loved and I am cared for, my needs are met and I have accepted that he knows what is best for me and for us.
All I have to do, is do as I am told.
So why do I get things wrong? Why do I forget the most simple of things, why do I sometimes forget to put my rope on in bed? Or write his words of ownership around my nipples each time I take a shower?Why do i sometimes not include enough "Sir" in my conversations? or fail to update him on my whereabouts? and a million other little things that he has to remind me of?
I don't know.
Its not a conscious decision, so I wonder what goes on deep inside my head.
Its not so easy to "just do as I tell you" and live in the real world too.