This morning we talked and then he made me cum for him........the other day he did the same in the shower.....and I cried...this morning I was lying on the bed and he wanted the camera on my face, and he told me to play; to gently stroke myself, to get myself to the point just before I cum, which I did, and the whole time I knew he was watching my face, and as I came.........I cried..well I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed....................and I couldn't explain to him what the reason was, I don't know.
He now feels that every time he wants me to do something to please him it makes me cry, that it is making me sad...its not......but it does make me cry................I am confused and wishing things were different.
Every time he talks to me, he tell me he is not going anywhere, that I am his slave.....and he thinks this reassures me......................it doesn't .......it feels oppressive.........I feel trapped......but I don't know how to tell him.
I should feel loved and cared for, controlled and valued.........and I don't.
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crying. Show all posts
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Wishing I could freeze time
the alarm went off, but we were both awake anyway. the morning was more awful than the night before. he asked me to make him a cup of tea, which I did and then I gave it to him and stood at the side of the bed, not knowing what to do.
He had said I was still his, one half of me was so relieved, he would know what I should do and the other half of me was so angry that he hadn't listened to me, hadn't see my pain, .
He pulled me into his arms and told me that he knew I didn't want to be with him(untrue), but he had spent all night thinking about it and he was right to say no, he couldn't let me walk away, he couldn't let me throw it all away, he was doing what was right for me, and how could he let me go away feeling so lost, so alone. He would consider things when I was away, we would discuss things, the future , and all it entailed when I was back on the underside of the world, but for now I was his slave, I belonged to him and I would do as I was told.
I was cried out,,,,,,,I was numb.
I didn't want to be free,,its not freedom anyway..............but I felt I couldn't cope with this either.
I lay in his arms, savouring each and every moment, trying to get his smell deep inside me, to keep and treasure it, something to hold onto.
He kissed me and I cried, he touched me and I cried louder. I wanted him to love me, but I felt so unlovable, I felt so cruel, I felt he couldn't see what was happening to me. I loved him so much.........
we made love, that sad soulful love making, that parting love making, that gives you no pleasure...just gives solace. but mine was a cruel kind of solace.
And on that cold February morning we drove to the airport and he asked me if I wanted him to come inside....................I still wanted to say no, but in my silence he said "I'm coming".
We parked the car, and he sent me to get my trolley for the bags, which made me smile sadly.He took me to check in and we went to get a drink, and I sat in a cold departure hall, my whole life falling apart.
He talked to me, in a calm quiet voice,, about what I am, how I should behave, what I should do, and it felt like he was talking about someone else.
It was time for me to leave, he walked me toward the security, and he wrapped hid arms around me , and I stood as I have done a thousand times, with my head on his chest, and I felt frozen in time, the world was rushing around me, and we were in middle............... standing still.
I once more clung to him,I wanted to fall to my knees at his feet and beg him to keep me there, safe.....I wanted to hear him say that he would tell them I could not come back.
But...................... instead I had to pull out of his arms.. I couldn't speak........I looked him in the eyes, and touched my heart and then turned and walked away.
I tired not to turn around after security, I really did, but I couldn't help it........and he was there, where I left him, just watching.
He had said I was still his, one half of me was so relieved, he would know what I should do and the other half of me was so angry that he hadn't listened to me, hadn't see my pain, .
He pulled me into his arms and told me that he knew I didn't want to be with him(untrue), but he had spent all night thinking about it and he was right to say no, he couldn't let me walk away, he couldn't let me throw it all away, he was doing what was right for me, and how could he let me go away feeling so lost, so alone. He would consider things when I was away, we would discuss things, the future , and all it entailed when I was back on the underside of the world, but for now I was his slave, I belonged to him and I would do as I was told.
I was cried out,,,,,,,I was numb.
I didn't want to be free,,its not freedom anyway..............but I felt I couldn't cope with this either.
I lay in his arms, savouring each and every moment, trying to get his smell deep inside me, to keep and treasure it, something to hold onto.
He kissed me and I cried, he touched me and I cried louder. I wanted him to love me, but I felt so unlovable, I felt so cruel, I felt he couldn't see what was happening to me. I loved him so much.........
we made love, that sad soulful love making, that parting love making, that gives you no pleasure...just gives solace. but mine was a cruel kind of solace.
And on that cold February morning we drove to the airport and he asked me if I wanted him to come inside....................I still wanted to say no, but in my silence he said "I'm coming".
We parked the car, and he sent me to get my trolley for the bags, which made me smile sadly.He took me to check in and we went to get a drink, and I sat in a cold departure hall, my whole life falling apart.
He talked to me, in a calm quiet voice,, about what I am, how I should behave, what I should do, and it felt like he was talking about someone else.
It was time for me to leave, he walked me toward the security, and he wrapped hid arms around me , and I stood as I have done a thousand times, with my head on his chest, and I felt frozen in time, the world was rushing around me, and we were in middle............... standing still.
I once more clung to him,I wanted to fall to my knees at his feet and beg him to keep me there, safe.....I wanted to hear him say that he would tell them I could not come back.
But...................... instead I had to pull out of his arms.. I couldn't speak........I looked him in the eyes, and touched my heart and then turned and walked away.
I tired not to turn around after security, I really did, but I couldn't help it........and he was there, where I left him, just watching.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Something else to warm my arse
Sleep evades me, the noise of the rain in the jungle keeps me awake, the thoughts in my head, the heaviness in my heart prevents me from sleeping and so I will write more of what happened when I came home.
By the time I got back into the car it was cold and beginning to get dark, I was hungry and my arse hurt. I felt dislocated and alone.I thought about what had happened that afternoon . I realised he had hardly spoken to me, that most of the time I was with him had been silent. Sometimes I talk too much and he gets irritated and makes me be quiet, where as other times, it seems to amuse him. But when he chooses silence, I am never in any doubt that that is what I must be, until he says otherwise.
The problem with silence is that it gives me time to think, and that is why I try to fill it at time, and I suppose that that he what he was doing. He was making me think. Sometimes I am told what I must think about, and other times I am left to figure it all out for myself, this was one of those times.
The past few days had been very intense and to be honest I was exhausted> I was jet lagged, I was tired from work, I was sick with a bad chest and the intensity of our time together was hard. It was good to have some time on my own, to let my mind wander, to appreciate the beauty of the scenery that was slowly disappearing in the darkness.
I felt very alone and isolated , his lack of response to me out in the open, exposed to the world, his dispassionate attitude, his coldness...all of these feeling surfaced and I began to cry. At first the tears just poured from my eyes, but then I began to sob, great big, snotty wet sobs, I felt so sorry for myself, so vulnerable, so used and humiliated. I pulled the car over, put my head on the steering wheel and cried and cried and cried.
I cried for all the night I had gone to sleep without him, I cried for each mile that I am away from him, I cried for all the times I have missed his hand on me, I cried for important days we had missed together , I even cried because I can't make him his first cup of tea in the morning. I was filled with such sadness and self pity, and I cried mostly because more than anything I want to come home, I want to stay at home.
When I realised how long I had been there, I knew I had to move, had to drive the car back. Still feeling alone, I reached for my phone to send him a text, but if was off. Had I turned it off or had he?
If he had I knew not to turn it back on again, unless it was an emergency. Was sitting , crying at the side of the road feeling sorry for myself considered an emergency?
I didn't think it would qualify.
So I sniffed a few times, and drove back to the hotel. After leaving the car I walked into reception and was told there was a package for me. I waited, but they said that they would bring it up to the room. I was expecting a package, a delivery from a company, somethings to take back for work and so I went back to the room, thinking no more of it.
When I opened the door, there on the table near the desk was an orchid in a vase, just a single orchid, pink and perfect and beautiful.....I touched it, bent to look inside it, smelt it, forgetting they have no smell. It reminded me of the orchids that grow in the jungle, attached to trees, that grow in peoples gardens, isolated in little pots hanging from hoot stuck in walls.
A knock on the door , I opened it and there was a man holding a very large parcel.
He brought it inside the room and I could see it was heavy, this was not what I was expecting.
I carefully opened the wrapping and lifted the lid from the box, inside were two packages wrapped in tissue paper.
I lifted the first from the box and pulled the tissue paper, and inside a beautiful black halterneck dress, soft and flowing, with a low cut v and a very low cut back. I put it on the bed and picked up the other package and once more ripped the paper, inside was a beautiful , darkest gray cashmere full length coat.
I slipped it on over my clothes and wrapped it around myself, I put my hands in the pockets and found a note
"Something else to keep your arse warm slave"
I lay down on the bed and began to cry again.
By the time I got back into the car it was cold and beginning to get dark, I was hungry and my arse hurt. I felt dislocated and alone.I thought about what had happened that afternoon . I realised he had hardly spoken to me, that most of the time I was with him had been silent. Sometimes I talk too much and he gets irritated and makes me be quiet, where as other times, it seems to amuse him. But when he chooses silence, I am never in any doubt that that is what I must be, until he says otherwise.
The problem with silence is that it gives me time to think, and that is why I try to fill it at time, and I suppose that that he what he was doing. He was making me think. Sometimes I am told what I must think about, and other times I am left to figure it all out for myself, this was one of those times.
The past few days had been very intense and to be honest I was exhausted> I was jet lagged, I was tired from work, I was sick with a bad chest and the intensity of our time together was hard. It was good to have some time on my own, to let my mind wander, to appreciate the beauty of the scenery that was slowly disappearing in the darkness.
I felt very alone and isolated , his lack of response to me out in the open, exposed to the world, his dispassionate attitude, his coldness...all of these feeling surfaced and I began to cry. At first the tears just poured from my eyes, but then I began to sob, great big, snotty wet sobs, I felt so sorry for myself, so vulnerable, so used and humiliated. I pulled the car over, put my head on the steering wheel and cried and cried and cried.
I cried for all the night I had gone to sleep without him, I cried for each mile that I am away from him, I cried for all the times I have missed his hand on me, I cried for important days we had missed together , I even cried because I can't make him his first cup of tea in the morning. I was filled with such sadness and self pity, and I cried mostly because more than anything I want to come home, I want to stay at home.
When I realised how long I had been there, I knew I had to move, had to drive the car back. Still feeling alone, I reached for my phone to send him a text, but if was off. Had I turned it off or had he?
If he had I knew not to turn it back on again, unless it was an emergency. Was sitting , crying at the side of the road feeling sorry for myself considered an emergency?
I didn't think it would qualify.
So I sniffed a few times, and drove back to the hotel. After leaving the car I walked into reception and was told there was a package for me. I waited, but they said that they would bring it up to the room. I was expecting a package, a delivery from a company, somethings to take back for work and so I went back to the room, thinking no more of it.
When I opened the door, there on the table near the desk was an orchid in a vase, just a single orchid, pink and perfect and beautiful.....I touched it, bent to look inside it, smelt it, forgetting they have no smell. It reminded me of the orchids that grow in the jungle, attached to trees, that grow in peoples gardens, isolated in little pots hanging from hoot stuck in walls.
A knock on the door , I opened it and there was a man holding a very large parcel.
He brought it inside the room and I could see it was heavy, this was not what I was expecting.
I carefully opened the wrapping and lifted the lid from the box, inside were two packages wrapped in tissue paper.
I lifted the first from the box and pulled the tissue paper, and inside a beautiful black halterneck dress, soft and flowing, with a low cut v and a very low cut back. I put it on the bed and picked up the other package and once more ripped the paper, inside was a beautiful , darkest gray cashmere full length coat.
I slipped it on over my clothes and wrapped it around myself, I put my hands in the pockets and found a note
"Something else to keep your arse warm slave"
I lay down on the bed and began to cry again.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
I told him and I will pay
I have spoken to my owner and he is doing okay, he had a bleed in the brain, a slow leaking capillary, they have done something to it and they are keeping him in hospital for a few days to make sure it has been stopped completely.
He is fine, and there is no damage, although it might explain his impatience..........:)
I feel sick with relief, although now they have to find out why.
I told him, I blurted it out in the relief bit of the mad slave ramble, it went something like this:
Oh my god Sir, are you ok? What happened? When did you go? How did you know it was serious? What were the symptoms? What diagnosis did the doctors give you? What procedure(breathe) ?What pain relief are they using? I made myself cum without permission, What follow up drugs are they prescribing? Who is the surgeon? How long will you be in for?(breathe)
"STOP...or I'll burst another one..............................you did what?"
So I took a deep breath and repeated myself and there was a very ..................very long silence.
And then a chuckle, then a belly laugh followed by more chuckling.
"I bet you felt bad,especially when I told you where I was...oh my, you must have been a mess".
There was more laughter.
"Oh my slave, only you could choose the most inopportune moment to do soemthing like that"
You will pay for it, but I am not cross."
At which point I burst in to floods of tears
Mostly tears of relief that he is ok, but a few that I had told him, that it was out in the open, that I wasnt holding anything back..but mostly that he is ok.
He is ok.
He will be ok
He is good and I am happy.
He is fine, and there is no damage, although it might explain his impatience..........:)
I feel sick with relief, although now they have to find out why.
I told him, I blurted it out in the relief bit of the mad slave ramble, it went something like this:
Oh my god Sir, are you ok? What happened? When did you go? How did you know it was serious? What were the symptoms? What diagnosis did the doctors give you? What procedure(breathe) ?What pain relief are they using? I made myself cum without permission, What follow up drugs are they prescribing? Who is the surgeon? How long will you be in for?(breathe)
"STOP...or I'll burst another one..............................you did what?"
So I took a deep breath and repeated myself and there was a very ..................very long silence.
And then a chuckle, then a belly laugh followed by more chuckling.
"I bet you felt bad,especially when I told you where I was...oh my, you must have been a mess".
There was more laughter.
"Oh my slave, only you could choose the most inopportune moment to do soemthing like that"
You will pay for it, but I am not cross."
At which point I burst in to floods of tears
Mostly tears of relief that he is ok, but a few that I had told him, that it was out in the open, that I wasnt holding anything back..but mostly that he is ok.
He is ok.
He will be ok
He is good and I am happy.
Saturday, 18 December 2010
My aching heart
This morning we were talking, about Christmas and all things cold, about dresses that he likes me to wear, about when he took me to a casino and left me there playing on a machine and how there were several men wanting to talk to me, and how polite I was to them, flirting yet behaving.
He talked about how he watched me proudly, and enjoyed watching me because he knew I was his and would be going home with him.. How all he had to do was catch my eye and I would walk to his side.
He was saying nice things to me, kind, loving things.
He told me to lie down and put the cam on my face, so he could watch me as I made my self cum. He asked me to remember the last time we were together and touch myself like he touched me.
And I couldn't.
I just couldn't do it.
The tears started.
I wiped them away with the back of my hand, hoping he hadn't seen.
I tried again, thinking about how he had laid me on the bed and instructed me to open myself for his inspection.
And the tears returned.
I just couldn't stop them.
It wasn't that I didn't want to do what he said, I was just so overwhelmingly sad. I miss him so much.
I couldn't bear it.
I turned away from him.
He called my name, asked what was wrong.
I couldn't say.
I had no words to explain how desolate I felt at that moment, and so I just looked at him, it was all I could do.
"Oh my slave. it is not for ever, you jut have to be brave. You are mine now and forever".
He talked..................And it felt like he had lifted my heart and wrapped his hands gently round it, caressing it, soothing my aching soul.
And he spoke loving kind words to me. I do not know what they were, but the thousands of miles drifted closer and closer until I felt we were as one.
And I fell asleep, as if I were in his arms.
My heart still aches for him.............
He talked about how he watched me proudly, and enjoyed watching me because he knew I was his and would be going home with him.. How all he had to do was catch my eye and I would walk to his side.
He was saying nice things to me, kind, loving things.
He told me to lie down and put the cam on my face, so he could watch me as I made my self cum. He asked me to remember the last time we were together and touch myself like he touched me.
And I couldn't.
I just couldn't do it.
The tears started.
I wiped them away with the back of my hand, hoping he hadn't seen.
I tried again, thinking about how he had laid me on the bed and instructed me to open myself for his inspection.
And the tears returned.
I just couldn't stop them.
It wasn't that I didn't want to do what he said, I was just so overwhelmingly sad. I miss him so much.
I couldn't bear it.
I turned away from him.
He called my name, asked what was wrong.
I couldn't say.
I had no words to explain how desolate I felt at that moment, and so I just looked at him, it was all I could do.
"Oh my slave. it is not for ever, you jut have to be brave. You are mine now and forever".
He talked..................And it felt like he had lifted my heart and wrapped his hands gently round it, caressing it, soothing my aching soul.
And he spoke loving kind words to me. I do not know what they were, but the thousands of miles drifted closer and closer until I felt we were as one.
And I fell asleep, as if I were in his arms.
My heart still aches for him.............
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Last night I said no
We were playing last night, we had been talking for 3 hours and he decided it was time to play silly games again. We were laughng, he had me doing all sorts of silly things again, and I was laughing, thinking sometimes we all forget about the fun , the laughter and the joy that being a slave can bring.
We were laughing.
And then, "I know, we'll play truth or dare" And without thinking out of my mouth came that forbidden word. Although its not the word itself, its the intent behind it.
It was emphatic.
No
I wanted the ground to open up, I wanted the world to end.
I heard him ask, very quietly" What did you say?"
I couldn't answer him, I just couldn't , I couldn't speak, I couldn't look at him.
Silence...................
"Face the wall"
I stood facing the wall, tears pouring down my face, silently collecting under my chin, dropping onto the floor.
My shoulders began to heave, great sobs filled my chest, caught in my throat .......and escaped.
And I stood there filled with unhappiness and overwhelming shame.
He called me back to him.
I knelt...I waited.
" I should punish you" he said "but I see I don't need to".
And gently, very gently he talked to me, his voice caressing my bruised heart. He told me to look at him, and I did. I felt his love, his compassion, his understanding and his control.
"Truth or dare?"
'Truth Sir" I managed to answer
"What do you need most?"
"You Sir"
And I felt owned.
I felt free.
We were laughing.
And then, "I know, we'll play truth or dare" And without thinking out of my mouth came that forbidden word. Although its not the word itself, its the intent behind it.
It was emphatic.
No
I wanted the ground to open up, I wanted the world to end.
I heard him ask, very quietly" What did you say?"
I couldn't answer him, I just couldn't , I couldn't speak, I couldn't look at him.
Silence...................
"Face the wall"
I stood facing the wall, tears pouring down my face, silently collecting under my chin, dropping onto the floor.
My shoulders began to heave, great sobs filled my chest, caught in my throat .......and escaped.
And I stood there filled with unhappiness and overwhelming shame.
He called me back to him.
I knelt...I waited.
" I should punish you" he said "but I see I don't need to".
And gently, very gently he talked to me, his voice caressing my bruised heart. He told me to look at him, and I did. I felt his love, his compassion, his understanding and his control.
"Truth or dare?"
'Truth Sir" I managed to answer
"What do you need most?"
"You Sir"
And I felt owned.
I felt free.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)