Sleep evades me, the noise of the rain in the jungle keeps me awake, the thoughts in my head, the heaviness in my heart prevents me from sleeping and so I will write more of what happened when I came home.
By the time I got back into the car it was cold and beginning to get dark, I was hungry and my arse hurt. I felt dislocated and alone.I thought about what had happened that afternoon . I realised he had hardly spoken to me, that most of the time I was with him had been silent. Sometimes I talk too much and he gets irritated and makes me be quiet, where as other times, it seems to amuse him. But when he chooses silence, I am never in any doubt that that is what I must be, until he says otherwise.
The problem with silence is that it gives me time to think, and that is why I try to fill it at time, and I suppose that that he what he was doing. He was making me think. Sometimes I am told what I must think about, and other times I am left to figure it all out for myself, this was one of those times.
The past few days had been very intense and to be honest I was exhausted> I was jet lagged, I was tired from work, I was sick with a bad chest and the intensity of our time together was hard. It was good to have some time on my own, to let my mind wander, to appreciate the beauty of the scenery that was slowly disappearing in the darkness.
I felt very alone and isolated , his lack of response to me out in the open, exposed to the world, his dispassionate attitude, his coldness...all of these feeling surfaced and I began to cry. At first the tears just poured from my eyes, but then I began to sob, great big, snotty wet sobs, I felt so sorry for myself, so vulnerable, so used and humiliated. I pulled the car over, put my head on the steering wheel and cried and cried and cried.
I cried for all the night I had gone to sleep without him, I cried for each mile that I am away from him, I cried for all the times I have missed his hand on me, I cried for important days we had missed together , I even cried because I can't make him his first cup of tea in the morning. I was filled with such sadness and self pity, and I cried mostly because more than anything I want to come home, I want to stay at home.
When I realised how long I had been there, I knew I had to move, had to drive the car back. Still feeling alone, I reached for my phone to send him a text, but if was off. Had I turned it off or had he?
If he had I knew not to turn it back on again, unless it was an emergency. Was sitting , crying at the side of the road feeling sorry for myself considered an emergency?
I didn't think it would qualify.
So I sniffed a few times, and drove back to the hotel. After leaving the car I walked into reception and was told there was a package for me. I waited, but they said that they would bring it up to the room. I was expecting a package, a delivery from a company, somethings to take back for work and so I went back to the room, thinking no more of it.
When I opened the door, there on the table near the desk was an orchid in a vase, just a single orchid, pink and perfect and beautiful.....I touched it, bent to look inside it, smelt it, forgetting they have no smell. It reminded me of the orchids that grow in the jungle, attached to trees, that grow in peoples gardens, isolated in little pots hanging from hoot stuck in walls.
A knock on the door , I opened it and there was a man holding a very large parcel.
He brought it inside the room and I could see it was heavy, this was not what I was expecting.
I carefully opened the wrapping and lifted the lid from the box, inside were two packages wrapped in tissue paper.
I lifted the first from the box and pulled the tissue paper, and inside a beautiful black halterneck dress, soft and flowing, with a low cut v and a very low cut back. I put it on the bed and picked up the other package and once more ripped the paper, inside was a beautiful , darkest gray cashmere full length coat.
I slipped it on over my clothes and wrapped it around myself, I put my hands in the pockets and found a note
"Something else to keep your arse warm slave"
I lay down on the bed and began to cry again.