A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Sunday, 27 February 2011

Taking back all the control

Now I stand behind the wall..........it is a wall of my own making, of my own choosing...it is a wall that many of us are familiar with...it is the wall of self preservation.

I have peeped out a few times and found him waiting there, waiting for me. He knows he could knock the wall down or step behind it and drag me towards him, but he is a patient man and he is waiting for me to come to him.
This was what he said this morning when we were talking. The conversation had taken a strange turn and we were talking about an abstract person (me)

slave: she is scared to come out from behind the wall
owner: I know she is but I will always look after her guide her keep her safe and hold her heart close to mine, but it doesn't matter if she not ready yet I will still be here

Part of my pig headed brain wants to stay where I am, I have not changed in what I feel about how difficult I think it is going to be, so far away from him, it has never been easy, but now I feel it is more difficult. At the moment I seem to spend most of the time I am talking to him either on the edge of tears or crying itself, which is not easy for him.

The last three weeks have been difficult for both of us; and then one day last week he called me to say he was in hospital again. The problems with his head have reappeared and he has had lots of test, x rays, scans, etc etc and they have decided  that he had another bleed in his brain, the doctors say he has had a very small stroke; hence the forgetfulness, the struggling for words and the short temper ( although I have not seen any of that symptom). I tried to tell him he needed to go to the hospital, I tried to tell him, in my more than very considered opinion that that was what he needed to do, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was fine.

For a while it send the wall flying, mostly because I was trying to run towards him as fast as I could, but I can get no closer than the computer, I cannot go home to see him, it is not possible , and so I am stuck here, wishing I was there, worrying about him, thinking that how I have behaved cannot have helped, knowing that it is not my fault, but all the same......

He is ok, He is out of the hospital and back home, he has to go back again this week for more tests, he has a shed load of meds to take, he has been told not to work so hard and to reduce his stress!

And so for now I am trying hard to be open to him, to bare my heart and soul to him again and know that it is safe, I do not know if there is a future for us together; he has decided there is, and so as he is in charge I have to go along with it, but he knows how I feel and he knows how scared I am.

 He has decide to go back to the beginning. He has reiterated all his rules, he is expecting me to come straight home from work, unless I have specifically asked to do something else, I have to phone and text at regular intervals during the day, I am tied to the bed at night, and naked at all other times when it is possible, I must ask for everything when I am talking to him, once more I am back on the floor when he is busy, ...and so on.........he is taking back all the control.

And for now I submit, not with joy in my heart, but I do submit.


  1. I'm sorry to hear of his health issues. That is definitely another challenge. Sending good thoughts that his test will have some answers that bring him healthy and stronger every day.

    We all have past, history, experiences. It is absolutely impossible NOT to engage in any relationships with other humans, male or female, without bringing baggage from our past with us. Sometimes in the most intimate relationships, our luggage remains tightly packed in the back of the closet. Regardless of the work we try and do on ourselves by ourselves, it takes the help of another to drag the thing out, open it up, and slowly piece by piece put it away or toss it out never to burdened by it again.

    Often a catalyst of some kind comes into our lives that we find hits us to the core and we can not explain it. Really, it's not that thing. It's something that is simply the trigger that insights the rest to come to the surface. It's the earthquake that shakes your luggage from the safety of the closet to the middle of your room.

    I don't think there's a wall. I think he crumbled it over the visit, and that's the problem. It was extremely intense. He didn't understand them or didn't calculate the emotions lying very deeply in your heart. Now you are left shaking and terrified. The earthquake has gone, but it could come back. You move carefully. Maybe part of the routine, which is essential to have before moving forward, could be glancing at the suitcase. Maybe you could describe it to him. Maybe together you could peek into it. Maybe he could pull something out and help you decide what to do with it.

    There is never an answer to why people come to us until the end. Maybe he'll be here for 50 years, maybe it's 15 days. Regardless, he's here. Your "truths" have not made him quake and run away. He's here. My hope for you is that you take his hand, and keep talking to him. Talk. The world doesn't come to end when people talk. Help him rebuild yours. Talk.


  2. this sounds so painfully difficult.. with no "right" answers... but keep breathing and you will get through it... clearly both of your hearts are in the right place.

    sending you hugs


  3. We do not alway submit joyfully, but we submit knowing that joy will be found once again. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.

  4. Thank you both......i am trying and so is he, although if I am honest he is trying much more than me...I am trying to try though.

  5. palamino, once again thanks for your comment, I am thinking about what you have said.