Now I stand behind the wall..........it is a wall of my own making, of my own choosing...it is a wall that many of us are familiar with...it is the wall of self preservation.
I have peeped out a few times and found him waiting there, waiting for me. He knows he could knock the wall down or step behind it and drag me towards him, but he is a patient man and he is waiting for me to come to him.
This was what he said this morning when we were talking. The conversation had taken a strange turn and we were talking about an abstract person (me)
slave: she is scared to come out from behind the wall
owner: I know she is but I will always look after her guide her keep her safe and hold her heart close to mine, but it doesn't matter if she not ready yet I will still be here
Part of my pig headed brain wants to stay where I am, I have not changed in what I feel about how difficult I think it is going to be, so far away from him, it has never been easy, but now I feel it is more difficult. At the moment I seem to spend most of the time I am talking to him either on the edge of tears or crying itself, which is not easy for him.
The last three weeks have been difficult for both of us; and then one day last week he called me to say he was in hospital again. The problems with his head have reappeared and he has had lots of test, x rays, scans, etc etc and they have decided that he had another bleed in his brain, the doctors say he has had a very small stroke; hence the forgetfulness, the struggling for words and the short temper ( although I have not seen any of that symptom). I tried to tell him he needed to go to the hospital, I tried to tell him, in my more than very considered opinion that that was what he needed to do, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was fine.
For a while it send the wall flying, mostly because I was trying to run towards him as fast as I could, but I can get no closer than the computer, I cannot go home to see him, it is not possible , and so I am stuck here, wishing I was there, worrying about him, thinking that how I have behaved cannot have helped, knowing that it is not my fault, but all the same......
He is ok, He is out of the hospital and back home, he has to go back again this week for more tests, he has a shed load of meds to take, he has been told not to work so hard and to reduce his stress!
And so for now I am trying hard to be open to him, to bare my heart and soul to him again and know that it is safe, I do not know if there is a future for us together; he has decided there is, and so as he is in charge I have to go along with it, but he knows how I feel and he knows how scared I am.
He has decide to go back to the beginning. He has reiterated all his rules, he is expecting me to come straight home from work, unless I have specifically asked to do something else, I have to phone and text at regular intervals during the day, I am tied to the bed at night, and naked at all other times when it is possible, I must ask for everything when I am talking to him, once more I am back on the floor when he is busy, ...and so on.........he is taking back all the control.
And for now I submit, not with joy in my heart, but I do submit.