A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Friday, 25 February 2011

"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".

I couldn't bear to look at him, I really felt like I was being broken, I felt broken, but I really didn't think that I could handle this any more.
The thought of months and months without him, followed by a few stolen days again, followed by more months away from him..................it filled  me with what I can only describe as abject fear, I was worried about my mental health, its like seeing water in the desert and getting there and finding just enough to keep you alive, no more , no less and knowing that there will be more, but not knowing when.....and I just couldn't cope with the thought of it.

He bent down and pulled my up by my hands and sat me on the bed and asked me to explain where all this had come from, why I had not said anything the day before, or the one before that...................and I tried to explain to him, that it was inside me, like some rotting, evil thing that I had tried to overcome and couldn't, that I had tried to keep inside me, but I feared it and feared it would destroy me as I had once been almost destroyed before, I explained and I loved him and didn't want to hurt him, but I HAD to say it all, I couldn't not say.

I looked at his face and he was white, I thought he was angry and then I saw the tears in his eyes and  I wished I had not spoken, I wished I could take away all the words.

Maybe I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, thinking about what I needed, putting my needs first, above his, but I was torn with the thoughts that if I hadn't said anything then I was not being honest and in all of everything, I have been honest with him, and he knows that.

He asked me if this was what I really wanted and I started to cry again, to become hysterical, was that  what I wanted.?...no it wasn't, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I believed I  needed.

And for a long time there was silence..........painful silence that burned into my heart and he called to me, but he called me my given name and I remember putting my hands over my ears and wanting him to stop, but he talked to me calmly and said if that was what I wanted then it was how it would be.

This left me feeling stunned...empty...like a hand had reached inside me and ripped out my heart....I felt, bereaved.

He told me I didn't need the rope on anymore, but I couldn't take it off,  just couldn't. My hands wouldn't move, I couldn't take it off.

He walked over towards me and, looking at me he took the rope of and it fell................. in slow motion ...............to the floor at my feet.
I stopped there, not knowing what to do next.

I remember saying...........

"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".

And he sat and looked at me, and I buried my head in my hands.

Time stood still,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I don't know what happened, what was said, I felt like someone had died, I wished I had died.

I didn't want to hurt him, but I didnt know what elese to do, I felt there was no other option.

I remember at some point he told me that he wasn't staying in the hotel all day and that we needed to go out, to get a bit of perspective...............so we went to the nearest town, some tourist place and we wandered aimlessly round.

 We went to the pub and sat like strangers, I couldn't speak, every time I tried , I began to cry, I couldn't look at him, I began to cry, so he took me back outside and we wandered around more in the cold.
He had to go to a shop to get something, and he asked me if I wanted anything, I said no, and he growled at me that I was infuriating and I walked away, unable to be with him, unable to feel how awful I was.

We got back to the car and he told me I was rude, and I wanted to tell him he was horrid but couldn't , because he wasn't, he was hurting like me.

He drove me back to the hotel and left me in the room, I packed my bags, I was leaving the next morning.

I felt sick,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what had I done, oh what had I done?

I looked at the rope, still on the floor where it had dropped and I crawled across the floor to where it lay and lay down next to it and lay my head on it and cried, I wept for all the things we had, all the things we shared and all the things he thought I was throwing away........... I cried like I have never cried before.

And that is where he found me  and hour or so later.

He told me to shower and dress, we were going out for dinner.

 We sat in an empty Indian restaurant, and he ordered food, which I pushed around my plate and he told me that he had been thinking about what I said and that he had been so shocked he had responded too fast, and that I was his, until he decided otherwise, not me, he owned me and that was how it is.

I wanted to shout at him, to hit him, I wanted to scream....... did he not realise how much courage it had taken for me to say anything, let alone ask him to release me..........didn't he understand anything?

But instead I sat in stunned silence..........................I didn't want him to think I hadn't meant what I had said, because I did, I had .....................................
He told me to eat my food, I shook my head.

He growled,"Eat something"
and I did, I didn't want to,  I thought i may choke on it, may throe up there and then,but..... out of habit, I did as he told me.

He drove us back in silence, I got ready for bed in silence, and we lay there, in icy silence, wrapped in our own thoughts.............mine was misery........... why woudln't he listen to me. and his? I don't know.

It was a long sleepless night for us both, the gulf between us like the thousands of miles I was about to physically put between us.

I wanted to be far away, but I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to go, but I was by now so confused by everything........................ I was a mess.

He had offered to take me to the airport, I wanted to say no, I wanted to ask him how did he think it was going to be,Ii wanted to tell no, don't take me, drop me off, let me get a taxi, I' dont want it, I don't want to say goodbye to you, not in a cold and impersonal airport.

But I knew I wouldn't and I lay there waiting for the day to start so it would be over and more than anything I wanted to freeze time; to stay there next to him, however unhappy I was because the thought of being without him was far worse.


  1. HS - this is just heartbreaking to read, which i know is not even a smidge of the heartbreak that you experienced. i hope that you are doing ok...

    i'm guessing you are if you are functioning and going to work (as you had mentioned yesterday).

    just be sure to be good to yourself.


  2. It's hard to comment without knowing the outcome. I have to apologize for not knowing your whole story.I read a lot through the day, and sometimes I don't keep them straight. There are several who are engaging in online relationships. I have comment that falling in love with men far away is not ever going to end well. I never understand it. I don't understand how that fills their emotional tank. I do not think that is your case. I looked through your profile, and I can't find why the move occurred away from him. Maybe you will post more of that after the story.

    I will say I have been hurt so badly in the past, my protective coat blocks out any situations where I can even remotely do so again. I live in a large metro US suburb. If I meet a man on the other side of the city with children, I won't date him. Who is moving? My kids dad is 5 minute, and they are teenagers. I'm not asking them to start commuting to visit him or give up everything they have known. It's selfish, but it's the way it is. That's the way I function. I recognize others don't, and remarkably, once things start getting 'ugly' so to speak, I'm terribly good at seeing outside the box for solutions - as I know are others in cyber spaceI

    I don't completely understand all of the moving and how it has all gotten to this, so it's hard to see changes that could make it better - even over time. Sometimes, in the mist of it, it's hard to get perspective. Maybe someone here will have more of a big picture and more of an idea. I do know, though, if you took the chance and found something special, regardless of how messy it gets, you should sincerely consider hanging on until it can sort itself out. Special is special. It's hard to find, very hard! My greatest hope is that you underestimated him. That HE will find the solutions and answers for you. That now that he understands the situation, he will not leave things as they were, but will fight to help you find solutions that will keep you whole and healthy in all aspects of your being. That's why you agree to serve and love. It's reciprocal, so that there's a person on the planet that has as his mission the care and keeping of you as his number one priority.

    If there truly is no resorting here to make you happy, then you did all you could do. You served honorably, but you can't serve if you aren't whole. You aren't alone. There are warm thoughts uplifting you now.


  3. I know that feeling of sitting in that awful silence. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you.Take care of yourself.

  4. I am sad, just very sad writing about this:(

  5. Oh hs this is sooo horrible, i sorta feel what ur feeling in that i was left without an explanation, not told anything, just no contact after quite a few years with my Master, so i sorta know the heartbreak your going through, and i feel so sorry for you i truely do.

    Do take care of yourself.

    Hugs to you
    blossom xxx

  6. Palamino, i found your comments in my spam box, which is why I have not replied before. Thanks you for taking the time to comment and for your long and considered reply.
    He is fighting to find a solution, he is fighting hard to show me and let me know that it is his job to care for me and keep me safe. He is a good man and I am very lucky.