A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Thursday, 31 March 2011

Too tipsy to type

I am tempted to type like this........fsmdkl s lweorj .sjfn,

Have just had a lovely evening with some friends; yummy food, good company, nice wine and Pimms, lots of blogs to read but saving them as a treat  for tomorrow when i can appreciate them instead of half reading them. Waiting for a call and then a big glass of water and bed .
A lovely day.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

How to have fun whilst half a world apart.

Here is a good example of how to have fun whilst half a world apart.........

1. Get you slave naked.
2. Turn on the aircon until they are cold and have nipples like rivets.
3. Get cold slave to cover every inch of body in oil.
4. Bet slave that she cannot spin 360 on the floor on her arse with feet in the air.
5. Give her 1 practice spin then tell her she has three attempts.
6. Watch slave spin round on arse through tears in your eyes, laughing hysterically. and loose the bet that she will be able to.
7. Have slave roll on floor to ensure complete coverage.
8. Make slave lie on floor on stomach with feet up behind and tell her to cum.
9. Listen to slave moaning through tears of laughter that she cant possibly do it.
10. Watch slave cum, laughing and slipping around.

I told him he was sick and twisted...and he replied......"Thank you"

so...yesterday morning.

Yesterday morning was one of those times when he decided that he just wanted to have fun with my body, to use it for his pleasure and enjoyment...so he did...I must admit I enjoyed it too.

All he wanted to do was to see me cum...he wanted to watch me struggle not to cum and then to have to wait until he allowed me, knowing that when he uttered the magic words....no not alacazam...or abracadabra...but "Yes slave you can cum", I would cum.

 So that, in a nut shell is what happened.

I could put it into a lot of phrases, sentences and a few paragraphs or I could just ........



and there was...a big wet puddle on the bed....and it was me.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

A boring post.......playing in the early morning?

I was reading my comments today about if my blog was still out there (can someone please tell me how to link previous post and other post from other blogs onto mine?), and realised that boring is ok, boring is what happens.

I could write about work today....or I could tell you how he played with me this morning before I left for work.


Today at work wasn't a normal day...it was one of those essential days  that we have to have ever so often....it was paperwork day.

 Its good to have a day to devote to paperwork...but oh my, is it boring. I am the world's most inefficient paper sorter. I have to say to myself, "Handle this piece of paper once"...it never works, I end up spreading out over every surface available, shuffling bits of paper backwards and forwards, trying to keep everything, whilst knowing that half of it should be consigned to the recycling bin. That old adage...."it may come in useful sometime" is one I hang onto, even though I know its neither useful or productive.

However, having given myself a stern talking to about efficiency, ergonomics and good working practice...I shuffled some more paper, sat down to reread some old procedural notes, turned on my ipod and played loud music to myself ("It will do your ears no good" I hear him say in my head) and finally got to it.

Four hours, thirty odd tracks, one and a half litres of water later...no a/c, I was done. One very tidy filing cabinet, one empty desk, a bag of recycling and a whole pile of reading to do in the next day or too; a very productive day.

Oh...I was going to write about how he played with me this morning............ooops!

Monday, 28 March 2011

Gardening in the dark

I have just spent a very happy hour gardening in the dark, well it was light when I started, the sunset was underwhelming today, lots of clouds, so the sun just seemed to give in to the inevitable and didn't bother to put on a show, just slowly sank behind the growing clouds, without even a wave over its shoulder.
I continued with my gardening in the dark, it was the boring bit, the tidying up bit, the hot sweaty bit, the bit that you wish you could leave for someone else to do but you know you have to do it.

Then I got out the hose and watered all the pots of plants I had re-potted....the attachment on the end of the hose always poses a problem....do you blast the water into the tray at the bottom with "jet" and move onto the next one, or do you turn it onto "mist" and  hear the plants sigh with pleasure as they are cooled after the heat of the day?

It was so lovely out there...."mist " won.

We had been talking before I started and he told me he was looking forward to seeing me sweaty, muddy and wet.....men are such strange creatures....muddy?
Sadly he text me to say he had a meeting and wouldn't be able to some online for me to show him the results of my hard labours..................I text him to tell him I was about to get it the shower and the reply....

"Oh sod it!"

Mud ran from everywhere.....how it got in my bikini bottoms I do not know..................

Is my blog still out there?

Can someone tell me if it is still out there.....I have gone from 200+hits a day to none...maybe Im just boring, or is something wrong?
Thank you

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Dancing in the noodle aisle

Today I had the music playing loud in my car as I drove to the supermarket...............and I was singing along at the top of my voice, the windows were shaking and my heart felt light.

In the supermarket I had my ipod  blasting out the sound and I found myself dancing down the noodle aisle (there are 17 different types of noodles).

On the way home I stopped at a road side stall and bought an orchid of the deepest purple, and when I got home I hung it up outside; enjoying it's purity and beauty.

My heart felt light.

I felt happy.

I felt as if something had changed, I cannot put my finger on it, maybe it was just less pressure.......maybe.....I feel relaxed.

I drove home with the music playing loud again, and the little black cat was hanging around.

We sat together in the shade, she curled up on my lap, purring as I stroked her; her fur soft under my hand, rubbing her chin against the corner of my book.

We sat and enjoyed each others company.

Things feel better.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

The jury is out.

This morning he told me that he would not be contacting me, he would say good night to me at bed time, but other than that he would not be contacting me, he would not set any times for me...nothing. He would say goodnight to me at bedtime and that would be it.

It threw me a bit...in fact it threw me a lot.

Have I had a good day? .............................Yes I have.

Have I missed him?............Yes I have.

Do I feel less/ more of anything? .............I feel less stressed.

Have I learnt anything?...................I am not sure.

When I signed into my msn; he was online. I was talking to my sister on skype and so said hello and told him what I was doing.

His response............

"Its ok, I'm not looking to talk anyway"

Did I feel rejected....................yes, a bit, although its not bedtime...............

Is my response a good thing or a bad thing?

Well the jury in my head is out on this one.


Earth Hour...making a difference

Today is Earth Hour day, The day we turn off our lights for one hour. I feel it is no so much the symbolic turning off of the lights, as members of the human race recognizing that we can make a difference by doing something small. Some of us will make great changes to this plant and its people in our life times, some will not have such a huge impact, but we all make a difference.

Everyday our interactions with people make a difference to someones life, it may be smile to  a stranger, a kind and thoughtful word written on  blog, it can be a teacher teaching a child to read, and giving them access to the world beyond where they live, a doctor or nurse easing someones pain, someone finding a solution to a problem for someone else and making their life more bearable, an act of kindness to a stranger or loved one, becoming involved in something, supporting someone, a kind word, letting someone know how much they are loved...the list is endless.

Our interactions with the planet are the same, we can make a difference,  however small, so that one light that goes off at 8.30 will make a difference, each one will make a difference, and by being mindful of how we use our limited resources we will continue to make a difference beyond 9.30 today, so please support Earth Hour, it may sound gimicky, it may appear to be a big PR exercise, but for one hour, the world will be pulling together in the right direction.


Friday, 25 March 2011

lost exposed and vulnerable

On a happy note he had a check up at the hospital yesterday, and all seems to be going well...the loss of memory and the searching for words is normal  and should improve with time. The neurologist is pleased with his progress and he has to go back again in ten weeks...so that is something to be very happy about.

Today we talked again...and again he seems to have no understanding of what is going on in my head. He knows that I am unhappy, he knows that things are not good, and yet his words to me yesterday left me in no doubt at all that he will not change anything. He told me that there are only two options......one is if I were to die, another is if he were to sell me (which he has said he will never do) and so that is that.

The sexy underwear episode was an opportunity for him to take some new photos of me, another opportunity for him to exert his control, to make him feel good, to make me feel submissive...instead I felt vulnerable, exposed and violated...this is not right

His words  were clear..........you will do as I say, you will do as you are told, you will do things that please me, these are the rules and you will follow them....

I thought today about what aisha  had said about light............and she is right, it should bring happiness and joy, a lightness to your soul.....and as I looked in the mirror.........I saw the happiness seeming out of me...........filled with a bleakness, an emptiness and sadness.........and there seems to be nothing he can do to stop it.........but maybe I am preventing him.

When we were talking I reminded him that this is what I said would happen when I came back....I told him how hard I would find it, how difficult it would be, how much I would miss him, and how I would be living a half life".
I wish it were a half life, I wish it were that good. I want the day to end each day so I can sleep, so I don't have to think, but when I sleep my mind is filled with nightmares, wakefulness and tears.

I am a mess.

I got in my car today, and I drove and drove and drove until I was lost, I turned down every small road and track I could until I had no idea where I was or how I could get back, I sat there and waited........
I wondered if being physically lost would somehow make the feeling of emotional "lostness" go, if it would disappear, if being lost somewhere, unknown, no one knowing where I was would give me peace.........it didn't................and I drove more and more....... further away......and wished I didn't ever have to go back...........I had my passport and I just wanted to keep driving...........but I couldn't but come back I did.................and I guess there is music I have to face.........but really I just want it all to be finished.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

sexy underwear

So why when he says "I don't want you naked tonight when I talk to you, I want you dressed in some sexy underwear for me"..............why does it make me want to cry.

Why do I feel the tears welling up inside me and my heart sinking?

Why do I want to say "I don't want to"?

Why is it all so very difficult?

I want it all to go away.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Paper pants and a wedgie

Today I went for a massage.......... and there really is no dignity in someone pulling your paper pants into a wedgie up your bum...not once, but twice................one for each cheek.

She spied a bruise on one cheek and asked "How you hurt Ma'am....it sore?"

Not some bruise inflicted by my owner............walking backwards into sharp table corner...........I had to smile.

She told me I was stressed, she told me I looked tired, she told me I looked sad.(although how she could tell this from looking at my bum in the semi darkness I am not so sure).

Her solution to the problem.........please bear in mind I have know her a while now and she is not backwards in coming forwards with her opinions (I don't like your hair cut, you put on weight, you lost weight, nice earring, you forgetful, like old woman etc etc)................

"Ma'am you need  more massages, you need to drink bottle of wine, you need to shag 20 year old till your eyes pop out."

In the semi darkness I laughed so hard, I nearly peed my paper pants.

When I was leaving, she came back to the room and sat on the bed next to me, she patted my knee and said..........."Ma'am.......don't be sad.............all things pass."

Wise words.................

As I left the building she called after me, and thinking I had left something behind, I turned around...and she  smiled and said "Remember ma'am till your eyes pop out"

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Beautiful things

Today I went and looked at beautiful things.
I looked at flowers in a market. orchids tumbling down bright stems.

Piles of vegetables laid on on straw mats with such care and precision, sold by wrinkled old ladies with toothless smiles and soil stained hands.

I saw the sun twinkling on the lazy river, with jungle flowing over its muddy banks.

I watched a child in a bright white shirt about to leap in a puddle and be pulled out by a shouting mother; no shared language but I understood every word. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and laughed.

I saw the beauty of the sand balls made by the hermit crabs, laid out in random patterns on the still damp sand.

The deep greens of the jungle.....full of lushness and life.

I am sorry that I have filled my blog with self pitying misery and moaning when I should spend more time looking around me and being grateful for what I can see.

Monday, 21 March 2011

a question

Here are some questions I have been pondering for the last 24 hours....

Is realising that what I think I want and need not the same as what he thinks and is not going to happen?

Is knowing that what I say is not going to change things something I have to just accept?

Is admitting to myself that I have given up, submission?
I don't think there is any more "fight " left in me, maybe that what he was waiting for.

 I would be very interested in knowing what you think.


Limbo is where I exist.
My body submits
But my heart is screaming
Free me.
The pain being apart
Has built a wall.
Fear stops my climbing.

Looking in the mirror
and see a stranger.
I have disappeared.

Sunday, 20 March 2011


I have typed a post four times and deleted it four times, because I no longer know what I want to say, so for today I am silent.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Feeling trapped

This morning we talked and then he made me cum for him........the other day he did the same in the shower.....and I cried...this morning I was lying on the bed and he wanted the camera on my face, and he told me to play; to gently stroke myself, to get myself to the point just before I cum, which I did, and the whole time I knew he was watching my face, and as I came.........I cried..well I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed....................and I couldn't explain to him what the reason was, I don't know.

He now feels that every time he wants me to do something to please him it makes me cry, that it is making me sad...its not......but it does make me cry................I am confused and wishing things were different.

Every time he talks to me, he tell me he is not going anywhere, that I am his slave.....and he thinks this reassures me......................it doesn't .......it feels oppressive.........I feel trapped......but I don't know how to tell him.

I should feel loved and cared for, controlled and valued.........and I don't.

Friday, 18 March 2011

The long and winding road

This just came on my ipod..............prophetic?

" accurately predicting what will happen in the future"

The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.

The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.

Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.

And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't keep me waiting here (don't keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door. (yeah yeah yeah yeah)

Painting the town red?

Its Friday night.......am I going out? am I going to hit the town and paint it red?

Am  I going to party like its 1999?

Am I hunting out my glad rags and putting on my dancing shoes?


There is a big duvet with my name on it, clean cool sheets, 1908 songs on my ipod and  new headphones and a cool A/ C ,a good book (Winter in Madrid) and the promise of a long sleep with a lie in till 8.

I think I must be getting old...that all sounds so much more appealing than a night out......
So dinner, a shower and then the bed...sweet dreams blog world and to all of you just getting up....ITS FRIDAY......................

Thursday, 17 March 2011

A basket of snakes

There are times when spending time with me must be like having a basket of snakes...you never know when you lift the lid if they will all be asleep , or one will leap forward and spit at you!

Part of the problem is that I am having real difficulties sleeping...some nights it takes me hours to go to sleep, but usually that is when he is not around to "send me to bed", and then I can lie awake for hours, tossing and turning, thinking of things, running through my day, planning the next day, making endless mental lists, thinking of those things that only appear in the night to just knock the edge off sleepiness....but for me the real problem is staying asleep. I can go to sleep and then fall asleep forty minutes later..........my mind wide awake....................and bits of my body fast asleep still, and other bits ready to get out of bed and it drives me crazy....but worse than that is at the moment I am plagued by nightmares.........things from the past coming back to haunt me, things from the present raising their ugly head and then some really weird and abstract things that make no sense at all....... and they wake me up...sometimes with a start.........sitting bold upright in bed, sometimes fearful and sometime with a "what the hell?" thought, other times calling out, or crying.
This is not new...but it has become worse in recent moths, getting more intense since I came back .........if he is there , he is the first thing I look for, the reassurance he gives me, how he calms me, talks to me , makes me feel safe.............and when he is not, finding peace is much harder, but I do go back to sleep, fitful sleep, almost afraid to sleep in case the dreams start again...some times they do, but sometimes they don't.

The point of all of this is .......I am tired, grumpy, tearful, emotional and a bit like a bear with a sore head......or like a snake in a basket.

Last night I made a comment about...."Jumping up and down and waving my knickers in the air"...and so when I went to bed, he told me that that was what he wanted me to do.......except I had no knickers and so he said to wave my bra whilst singing "She'll be comin round the mountain..."

I had had a tough day, and a long disturbed night and I was not happy, but I was trying I really was, and then he said that , and I could feel the tears welling up before I even stood up............and I am so tired of crying...........I'm sick of hearing myself cry, tired of snot and tears...and I threw the bra on the floor, took of my rope from round my neck and threw it onto the floor (something I have never done and never ever thought would ever happen ) and sobbed...."I don't want to do this any more, I can't do this any more. I can't do it"  and I moved out of view of the camera and stood sobbing...................

I was immediately ashamed of how I was behaving and stood in the room,unable to make my self go back and face him............he called me and told me to get back in front of the camera...........................

Of course I wanted to, but didn't. I didn't know what to do, but I knelt in front of him, hanging my head, not knowing what to say to explain what was going on when he asked me................he was calm.........his voice quiet, slow, thoughtfully spoken words....my only answer was that "I was sick of crying"..........................he said that this was the place for crying, this wasn't the place to hold things back, or try and control things, that was the place to be what I am, and that if I needed to cry ......I should cry.
 Saying all that......he wasn't happy, he was cross that I had been rude and had gone out of the camera view...........and for that I was to be punished....not for crying...not for loosing my temper ...but for leaving the camera view without permission.

Two ouchy pegs...ones that really hurt were on my nipples...........and then I had to stand facing the wall......with my arms above my head.....................and on tip toe and wait until he was ready to punish me...and in the meantime I was, once again, to think about how I could be a better slave.

And I stood there............... and as the pin spread from my nipples deep iside me, the pressure building, .....my calf muscles burning with the effort of staying on tiptoe,  the balls of my feet  feeling hot, and the muscles in my arms aching, beginning to shake, my shoulders burning with the effort and my nipples pressed into the wall............ I  cried again.

He called me back to him, and I knelt before him again.............and he had me get the vibrator and ram it hard into my cunt, and close my legs.....he had me tie a rope bra, as tight as I could, the rope biting into my breasts, pulled together and upwards...........hard , tight skin, nipples pushed forwards and clamped between the viscous pegs.......and then he told me, as he counted, I would slap my nipples ten times each.
When he does it...it hurts, it makes me gasps, it takes my breath away as the pain shoots into me, filling me..........but when I have to do it to my self, then there is a fight within myself.having to hit my nipples with the peg on.......knowing how much it will hurt.........it is hard.

"One"...............and I tried, I tried to do it, "one"......I tried ..."Do it" and I raised my hand and brought ti down hard on my nipple...............and I hated him for making me do it, but I hated more that he had had to say it three times...................he counted out each one, and I did each one......there was no regular timing to them, which made it worse, the anticipation, the making myself do it hard enough not to have to start again............but I did it.............. and he told me to remove the pegs, and he told me if I did it again, would wae the rope bra for a whole day.

He sent me to clean up, to remove the vibrator, to undo the bra and to lie down and go to sleep and he would talk to me in the morning................and to call him if I woke up.

I  woke up about ninety minutes later and called him............and we talked about what had happened...........he talked about my over reaction to his "playing " with me, that it was meant to be a bit of fun............we talked about what was the reason for my punishment, he told me he loved me again, and told me to go back to sleep and we would talk in the morning.....................and I slept without nightmares.and when I woke in the morning he was there and said to me"Good morning my little spitting cobra".................I did smile:)

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

cut short

Once again, we talked last night, and once again I cried, but in some way I do feel that things are moving forward, I am not sure how, but it just feels different.
He acknowledged that he knows I am trying, that I don't seem to be behaving like this intentionally, but that he feels I have turned on my old "self preservation mode"...... the one that stops you feeling so you dont get hurt.

He is trying his hardest to be patient and reassure me that I can turn it off..............time will tell....He is here now so ...post cut short

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Just one of those days

Today is one of those days where things just seem to go wrong...nothing major ...just a real grrrrrrrr day....

  • I slipped in the shower after i have stubbed my toe and banged my hip...ouch...nothing injured...but ouch
  • an unexplainable flat battery on my car.......jump leads in a tangle and in my rush, I made them worse....more haste, less speed

  • I left my lunch behind and ended up having a bottle of half hot water........yuk

  • Tried an international phone call to sort out some bureaucracy  and got put through to the wrong department three times, and the wrong extension twice and was then told I couldn't do what I wanted to anyway.

  • I have visa (as in you can come into our country...not credit card Visa) issues and am stuck in the country when hoping to go away for the weekend....

  • grumpy grumpy afternoon,,...trying to cheer myself up...............unsuccessfully
  • flat tyre...two care related things in one day...........whats the odds?

  • Bank ate my card after putting in the number wrong three times. 
I was a little fearful to turn on my laptop in case I fried its hard drive, or dropped it , or spill anything on it...but so far so good. I think I might go to bed for an hour and then get out the other side and see if that improves things.......just one of those days.........
Have had a good stomp around my house, banged a few door and slammed a few things...feeling much better.

Good job he is busy today and I might not get to talk with him today...I am sure I would say something in appropriate!

Today I saw a motorbike...well more a  moving sewing machine with seven people on it! ....just an aside...it made me smile

Monday, 14 March 2011

No place to hide

Yesterday he decided that I should go to the gym early in the morning and then when I had finished I was to go home and spend two hours in my room, I didn't have to do anything specific, just remain there. Then he arranged for me to be online at 6pm to talk to him, saying that he would be using me then.

I tried to stay in the gym as long as possible, but when I returned home , I did not want to go to my room for one minute, let alone 120..........but I did. It was not too bad, I did some paperwork, sorted out a few things, sorted my clothes a bit and before I knew it the time was up. I am not sure if I was meant to be thinking slavey things......but I didn't.

I escaped outside for a bit to get some sun and fresh (89% humidity, 34C...not so fresh)  air and clear my head and then went back inside to wait for 6pm.

I was online just in time and he was waiting for me, we talked for a little while before he sent me back to my room.

He talked at me; telling me about his decisions, about why he had made them and that ....moan, sulk, fight back, whatever, there was no changing the facts ...........that I am his slave and will remain so until or when he decides otherwise, and as he has no plans to release me, leave me, sell me or anything else, I am there for good.

Now I know I should be reassured by this, but I still can't get him to see  things from my point of view.

He told me to strip and put my rope on, once again round my neck tight enough to feel it, but not tight enough to stop me breathing, and then he sent me to the wall to think about how I could be a better slave.

I rolled my eyes.

I wasnt aware of it, but he saw it, and I was firmly told that if I did it again, or pulled a face he would punish me. I stood facing the wall for twenty seven minutes.

I don't like the wall, its boring.......my head is full of thoughts....I made lists, I recalled lyrics from songs, I re-ran conversations in my head, I went through plans for work, thought about an agenda for an upcoming meeting, I tried everything I could not to think about being a slave...............but when I finally ran out of things to keep my mind from going to where it should be, I started to think about it and I started to cry.

I am not sure why I was crying, But I cried and cried and cried...maybe it was a  realisation of what a bitch I have been, what an bad excuse for a slave, maybe it was frustration, maybe it was boredom, maybe it was just sadness..........but Oh boy did I cry.

He called me back to him and had me kneel on the hard floor with then end of the rope under my knees. He had me get the plug and insert it and then four pegs, once on each nipple and one one for each cunt lip. And he talked to me as "the slave" and "it".

He had me put the hood on, the bag that has a draw string, that I have to pull closed and then he told me he would buzz me to cum and then buzz me to take off the hood.

I waited on my knees for the buzz, cut off from the world, cut off from him, the pegs squeezing and pinching, knowing that when I made myself cum, the pegs on my cunt would be pulled and flicked, and would tighten as my lips swelled, as too would the ones on my nipples.

I didn't want to cum, I just didn't want to. When the buzzer went I started to cry again, and tried to delay the cumming, but knew that I couldn't. I knew I had to do what he said..........and so I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't be able to cum, that the "off " button had been switched.......but of course it had not.........and so I came, on the floor, kneeling with the hood on, before my owner......doing as he had told me.

I waited for a long time for the next buzzer and when I took off the hood, I couldn't look up, I couldn't look at him, I was feeling shamed................I think by my behaviour, but also by the fact that my body had done what it is trained to do, to cum when I am told, even when I don't want to, don't feel like I can...........I still do.

 He asked me what was wrong, and I didn't have the words to explain so I sat quietly and tried to just "be"..........and he left me in peace, not talking, just watching. And in my mind I wandered off to  a beautiful beach in Australia that I have walked along, miles of emptiness, soft sand sunshine and clear clear water..............and breathtaking beauty in its simplicity and I felt calmer, happier.

He told me to take three of the pegs off, to tidy up the toys, and to leave my room for one hour and then come back. I chose to keep one on my cunt, as it seemed to hurt the least. So I left the room with the peg and the butt plug and watched the clock for an hour, having a normal conversation , and making coffee, knowing what was in and on me, reminding me of what I am.

When I returned to the computer, he wasn't there......................and by now the peg was very sore, I knelt waiting for him, but couldn't get comfortable, couldn't get my head round the pain, and I longed for him to return. For the first time in a long time, I longed for him. I am ashamed to say, I think mostly it was because I wanted him to remove the peg........

When he came back he told me he had fallen asleep and I began to panic a bit about what I would have done if he had not come back........would I have kept the peg on for hours, would I have taken it off, what would I do?

He asked me what was wrong and I told him the peg hurt and he said that I could remove it................that is the moment we dread, knowing that one type of pain will be replaced by another type, and although I wanted to get it off as fast as possible, I didn't want to take it off at all.....So I took a deep breath and released it, and the pain flowed like a searing flame inside me ......and I cried again.............

He then had me move the cam onto my cunt and hold it open for his inspection and he commented on how wet it was, how swollen and then he  told me to play with my cunt..........and as I got close to cumming he had me stop............he did this four times, till I was fighting hard to control myself and then he let me cum,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and as I came I had to hold my cunt open for him to see, to watch.

He told me there was no place to hide, no place to go..............and that he knew that I was not thinking like I should.................this was just a reminder of who controls my body...............and that he is going to start all over again if needs be; from the very beginning and he will control my mind again too, and then things will be in place again, order will be restored and I will be happy.

He asked me how I felt and I told him "used", he told me I had not been used, I had given him pleasure.

I felt exposed..........I felt used and I cried .................................and as I cried he talked to me, in a low soft gentle voice............................. and I slept.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Banging my head against a brick wall

We talked this morning, well he talked and I cried. He talked some more and I cried some more.
He has read my email, and he has talked about being ill, about the stroke and how when he was all alone in that white room, he was frightened, how he thought about what would happen if he died........and he was scared.

He has left a letter with his brother, telling him what to do if I am not home, about getting me home and all the stuff that follows.

He told me that he had not given me 100% of the information that he had had, because he didn't
want to worry me.......he still doesn't understand the more information I have the less worried I am, but its a start.

I think he read my email, and I think he feels that he has read it carefully enough to be able to glean all the information he needs from it............but I suppose men and women speak different languages................I tried to be open and up front, but I guess some of the unspoken things, some of the things written "between the lines" that would have been picked up by a woman, have been missed.

Maybe its my fault for not making myself clearer, maybe I should have made sure that this morning I made it clear, or maybe I just expect too much.

Or maybe it is the case, that he has read and understood perfectly and decided to do things he was he thinks is right, to give me what he thinks is best for me. He told me that he is not angry with me at all, and he is doing what he believes is best. I tried to suggest that maybe it was a good time, to just step back, to back off, to give him and his wiring some time to straighten out the kinks, establish correct connections again, but he was adamant that this was not going to happen, that he needed to be in control, as much for his own benefit as for mine.

 He reminded me that I am his, he owns me, and although he will listen to me, I have no choice.

And so that is where we stand.

I have given up banging my head against a wall.

I have given up trying to make him see...make him understand.

There is no more fight in me.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

I have sent the email

I have sent him a long long email, trying to explain what is going on in my messy head, I text him and told him I have sent it, and he said he will read it and talk to me tomorrow.

 We did talk very briefly this morning and he did ask me what was going on in my head, he did try to find out, but I had stuff to do, I had things I couldn't get out of, and he knew that.

He was frustrated that I couldnt talk.

He is trying hard to work it all out..........................

I am not looking forward to talking to him; but I will try hard to listen carefully, to be receptive, to keep my head together, to let him try to understand what is going on.............. and I want things to get better ..........I really do.

He is very angry with me

I am in trouble...he was very angry with me.

I told him I would not be able to be on my phone at all during the day yesterday...and I couldn't, I had four minutes to my self from the start of my day to the end.................
It is not that apparently, I can be busy, but its my attitude about it all, its about when he tells me off and I sulk.
Its also about the fact that last night I had someone to stay in my house; I sent him an offline to ask him if it would be ok, as I was forced into into it, well put under pressure to give an immediate answer, and I wasn't going to phone him at 4am and ask him as he has had such problems sleeping.....and that was wrong too

He has told me I am rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, cold and icy.

He doesn't like it when I reply "I don't know what to say". I don't, because whatever I say just seems to get me deeper into trouble and so its better to say nothing.

The last time I told him anything of any great significance....................things were not good and we have not talked about it since (i feel like this is a repeat post here).

It is on the tip of my tongue to say something, to say to him...."You want me to tell you how I feel?" and to just let rip, to tell him exactly how I feel.
To tell him I am sad, and scared to tell him I am "cold" because if I let go of my feeling, if I show him everything will fall apart.

I have a function to go to tomorrow and I had a dress made to go in, one I know he would like,in red, which he likes and I hate, and when I tried to show it to him , it all went wrong and he ended up cross and I ended up in tears........and now he doesn't understand I hate that dress, I hate it, I never want to wear it ............but he thinks I am being silly

I wish I could tell him how I feel, I wish I could, but there seems no point.

He has told me if I continue to be "cold" towards him then "So be it" and I will be treated accordingly.

 That I will be used for his fun and nothing more.................

My head is a complete mess, he is too busy, I won't talk, since his stroke he is different and has changed and more than anything I need what is just out of my reach............I want all the old feeling to come back..........and they won't ........or maybe I wont let them.

Friday, 11 March 2011

I am in trouble

He is pissed at me for being rude............was I rude? apparently.
He is pissed at me generally.

I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to spend time with him..........but like he says..........if he wants to talk .............we talk.
I am sorry to be whinging again......................I'm fed up, miserable,tired, lonely and sad.

I wish he was far away and I wish he was here.........what a mess.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Am I in trouble?

I think I am in trouble...............I think he is not very pleased with me.........no doubt I will find out at some point.

For some reason he seems to think that when I am at work I can talk to him, uninterrupted and when he wants me to, and yet he tells me work comes first....................and then I get interrupted and he thinks I am doing it on purpose.........and I tell him "I am working" and he tells me not to answer back......................so now I think I am in trouble.

Questions and Answers

I see it is Q&A month here is blog land............so if you feel the urge................ ask away............I'll try and answer, but as you know at the moment I have lots of questions  and not so many answers, but I might be able to answer your questions easier than my own.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Fuckmeat and emotive words

The word "fuck" is such an emotive word, or can be. It is the sort of word that gets used so often that sometimes the meaning changes so often it is hard to keep up.

How many times I have I said "Oh fuck" when something has gone wrong? lots...hundreds...not many in his hearing because it is not allowed, but occasionally they spill out and I am given a short and often sharp reminder about manners.

Then there is the "Oh fuck it'...when you have tried to do something, really tried and for what ever reason it is just not achievable and the Ohfuckt(one word) comes out as you give up and walk away, or the more  resigned than exasperated "oh..... fuck it" as you give into something, usually something that cannot be addressed, cannot be changed and so it precedes an acceptance of some sort.

Then there is the explosive stub your toe "FUCK"  that needs no other clarification other than that we all say it, it may not be the F word, but we all have a word for those moments in life.

Some people use Fuuuuuckinghell/shit /insert own expletive" as a cry of disbelief at something they have seen or heard.
And so the list can continue...almost endlessly..................but for me its when he joins the "fuck" word with  the "meat" word and calls me "fuckmeat" , that what affects me the most. These are two of my least favouite words when put together, they make me cringe inside , they make me feel debased and fill me with a sense of humiliation and  indicate a change of purpose.

 When he calls me fuckmeat, it is often in the third person, he talks about me as a thing, an entity to be used for his pleasure, I become nothing other than that.The phraseologyd he uses continues to become more an more objectifying ."There is the fuck meat....the fuck meat will be used and abused" and so it continues.

When I am with him, and I am fuckmeat, he is rough; grabbing and pulling, twisting, probing, examining, pulling me apart, opening my cunt, pegging it open and tying it open to my legs, my arms and legs stretched wide open as he continues his painful exploration of what is his, or he drags me around degrading me, tying me up .........legs and arms twisted around each other and leaving me in the corner to wait for his use.........................

And when he has finished with his physical "abuse" of his fuckmeat, he starts on the verbal humiliation. He often never even calls me fuck meat directly.........but by the time he has finished that is what I want, I want to be called it more than anything............. because it is better than being referred to as "it" or "meat" or "fuckmeat". And then the fucking begin.

By now I am usually spaced out, filled with humiliation and ready to do anything to stop the feeling and for him to see me as he usually does, but knowing it will not stop until he has finished , until it has served its purpose, either for him or for me...............but before that happens I am fucked...........my face is fucked hard till my jaw aches and my hair hurts from the pulling and twisting, or the back of my head where I am places against the wall as he rams his cock into my mouth, filling my throat.

My cunt is fucked as he drives himself into me with an insatiable desire as he twists and slaps me, pinching my nipples, pulling them, holding my tits by the nipple and slapping them......he fucks me as my arse is filled with whatever he deems is right to fill it with and then he fucks my arse.......once more driving into me............holding onto my hips and fucking his meat............

 And he questions me as he fucks me about what I am , what I have become for him, what I will do for him and why...................

 And I am filled with humiliation as I tell him "I am meat Sir, I am fuckmeat, to be used Sir,"

'I am fuck meat"

I am fuck meat"

And as he drives into me over and over again I repeat these words until his cums fills me...........and when he is spent I am left ......exposed  and the probing starts again as he examines the damage to his property and he watches me as the effects of his word and actions catch up with me, and he waits to see the impact it has had, and he calls me to him, gentle words ..."come to my my little piece of fuck meat, come to me........" and I crawl to him and hold on tight as he comforts me.

And I hate what I have become, the feelings inside me............. but it is what he wants and as he tell me I am a good girl and he is happy I hold on tighter and smile a\up at him..............and he wipes away the tears.

Oh fuck!

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Ten things to think about

I'm sick of moaning.....I'm sick of writing about how confused I am, I'm tired of trying to work things out in my head......and so I am going to stop.
 I'm going to stop moaning.

I going to stop winding myself up tighter and tighter till I feel like I will explode.

I'm going to stop thinking about things and just ......... and well................. I'm just going to stop.

Maybe this was his plan (oops there I go again...no more thinking!)

So instead I decided to think about the ten things that make me the happiest today, not any day in the past, not looking forward to an unknown future...but right now...so here they are.

1. The children make me happy. I have been given two beautiful children who are healthy, happy,loving, intelligent independent individuals that I love very much.

2. I managed to watch  a beautiful, if fast, tropical sunset tonight. The firey orange sun setting behind rising storm clouds, filling the sky with a warm glow and edging the clouds with gold.

3.I have had a good day at work, actually it was a great day...... a long twelve hour day.......I'm tired....................... but I am good at my job, I get great satisfaction from knowing I do it well and I enjoy it.

4.I have some of my favourite food in my fridge.......asparagus, lemons, green beans and a crisp lettuce that I grew in a little patch of soil .

5. I have lovely friends here and at home, whom I love and care about and I know they love and care about me.

6.I have a chilled glass, well freezing cold, glass of red wine on the floor next to me....and it has my name on it.

7.I have 'met' some lovely people here in blog land, who understand what I am talking about, can empathise with how I feel and care enough to make a comment to let me know they are there...thank you.

8. I have a small black cat fighting for lap space with my laptop, and it is often hanging around waiting for me to come home from work...and always looks pleased to see me. It may be cupboard love...but I convince myself otherwise:)

9. There is a beach just five minutes away from where I am...a long golden sandy beach where I can walk with my feet in warm sand and have warm water lap across my feet. Where i can sit on the beach, and be all alone and contemplate life, the universe and everything.

10. In my cupboard I have a packet of mint creams......................mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Oh that did me good......................I know "he" is missing from the list.........this list is not about him, its about all the other things,,,,right at this very minute.

Monday, 7 March 2011

More questions than answers

Today he is busy....today I have to put myself to bed...............tonight I will go to sleep without him being there to say goodnight to me.

Some times this has made me feel so very sad and alone, even knowing that I am not alone, I am his so how can I be alone..............but now?

I am not sure...do I feel alone?

 Do I feel deep within my heart and soul I am his? I am not sure.  and that frightens me more than if I knew for certain one way or the other.

He tells me I am his, he tells me I have no choice but to be his, as he has said that is how it is.
But.........does what is inside me, that doubt, that uncertainty count................and
I want to talk about it, but he will not...............

And so once again I am in waiting mode.

He has talked about when I will be home again, about how busy he is, and how little time we will have and yet he does not see that that is the very heart of the problem....................

This month is apparently Q and A month......but it feels like I have more than enough Q and A of my own that are unanswerable.
But please feel free to ask any questions.......I may be able to answer yours...coz I sure as  hell can't answer my own.................but then maybe I shouldn't even be trying too.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Nipple pain and the ouchy thing.

Last night we had some time together, uninterpreted, all work was put aside, everything was put aside and it was just the two of us.
I have been apprehensive, waiting for the reassertion of his dominance as he had be telling me will happen. Half of me has longed for it; to feel that control, to feel my submission, to feel once again, even for just a time the loss of control of being able to give it back to him. I have longed for that feeling of peace deep within me when I know that I have no will, that his will is mine, that I am his.

We talked for a long time, about nothing in particular, we didn't talk about how I have been feeling, we didn't talk about his health, and if i am honest I don't know what we talked about in any detail. I know he was kind and loving, I know we laughed and teased each other, but the details allude me.

The almost in the middle of a sentence he told he to fetch the vibrator and the Tens unit. I was by now wearing the rope that I sleep in.

This rope goes around my feet, tying them together, and then up my back, once round my neck and around my wrist. This is how I sleep at night, or how I have been sleeping until I went to visit him. Since I came back , he has not used this rope, I am not sure why, I have not asked him, and I didn't want it on. Maybe he knew that I was not happy to wear it and so decide not to force the issue, but last night I was wearing it.

He began by having me put one of the pad onto my nipple, stuck over the bar and the other on the very edge, but not touching my cunt, and he turned it onto the first setting.
I put the vibrator in my mouth, with my eyes shut and sucked it to get it wet. and then i had to run it over the outside of my cunt; keeping it away from my clit and I was not allowed to let it go in. The unit was on, and it was just there, I could feel it in the background, but it wasn't overwhelming, it wasn't painful...just there.
He watched me and told me that I was not allowed to cum, I cam very close a few times, but he was very quick to notice and tell me "NO, no cumming". He allowed me to put the vibrator in , forcing it deep inside my cunt.

"Fuck your cunt with that slave, and ........................cum".

And cum I did, a great big one earth shaking one, gasping for breath, shaking all over, and as it subsided and and began to come back to earth, he told me to turn it up from 1 to 4.
OH fuck, it hurt, it really did, and I whimpered and tried to escape it,  I tried to get my head around it and he made me begin to use the vibrator again, this time on my clit.

The pain in my nipple made me gasp began to send my head away to some other place, I tried to get there, to stay there where I wouldn't have to deal with it, but every time I began to fall over the edge into that dark place of subspace, he called me, dragged me back to him.

I wanted to let it wash over me, to fill me, I wanted to be wrapped in the nothingness and the everythingness of it, I wanted to float off............but he didn't let me.

And he kept me like that, on the edge of orgasm and the edge of subspace for what seemed like a life time till I was begging him to be allowed to cum, pleading with him, begging him to stop the pain in my nipple, crying..........but he talked to me, talked about control, about how he owns me, how he owns my:





He talked about what I was, what he can do to me, how I am his and I became quiet......I said nothing, I lay there, the rope tight around my neck and with every movement of my hands making it pull, for just a second, tighter, the pain in my nipple seemed constant now and the vibrator filling me with an overwhelming need to cum.

"If you cum, there is a price....................turn it to full...................and cum".

I remember the pain filling me, coursing through my body from my nipple to the top of my head to the tip of my toes and as I came the pain seemed to fill my cunt,  as I came over and over again, calling him, calling his name, sobbing.

I heard him tell me to turn off the pain thing, and finally he let me float off to that place where it is everything and nothing.............where I feel everything and I feel nothing at all, where my head is empty of thoughts and full of feelings, and where I wanted to stay.

I heard him tell me to wrap myself up, and I know I did, because when I woke up, I was covered up and I heard him say "You are back".
And he talked again of control and of what I am, and he sent me to get something to eat and then to sleep.

And I slept all night, uninterrupted; there were no dreams, not waking, nothing .......just sleep.........and I woke up and he was there; waiting for me.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Walking on egg shell

With our latest conversation in mind I was sort of relieved that he was busy most of yesterday, other than a few text during the early evening, and a quick good night when it was bedtime, I didn't hear from him much.

Once more I was besieged with dreadful nightmares, some about crazy things, but some about stuff that was very real and believable. I woke up crying and frightened and he was there to talk to. Sometimes talking about dreams helps, and some times it does, today it didnt, but we talked for a while before he told me to go back to sleep. I didnt really want to, but he was having none of it, I eventually fell into a light sleep and kept waking. By 5.30 I had had enough and he let me get up.
He is tetchy with me, critical, questioning everything I say, he asked me to send him a photo taken the other week, and then he told me I looked sad, why did I look sad? I don't know if this is all part of the head thing or if he is just being mean.

he just text me and told me he is online if I want to talk to....do I?

No I don't think I do.

And that just makes me sad

Friday, 4 March 2011

Claiming back the bitch slave from hell

Do you think he is feeling better?

This was a snippet of our conversation this morning........

sir(3/4/2011 6:17:58 AM): your mine u know this
sir (3/4/2011 6:18:20 AM): I can see u how I wish
sir (3/4/2011 6:18:28 AM): do as I wish
sir (3/4/2011 6:18:57 AM): you say u feel open
sir (3/4/2011 6:19:11 AM): exposed
sir (3/4/2011 6:19:34 AM): your body is open to me at all times
sir (3/4/2011 6:20:33 AM): we have gone too long pissing around the last month with me being off my game
sir (3/4/2011 6:20:40 AM): and u feeling how u do
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:06 AM): we r going back to how it was
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:16 AM): I am sorry u may not like it
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:29 AM): but it is going to be that way
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:43 AM): that mind
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:46 AM): body
sir (3/4/2011 6:21:56 AM): soul
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:00 AM): life
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:03 AM): r mine
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:16 AM): I love u
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:28 AM): but u r my slave first
sir (3/4/2011 6:22:45 AM): that will not change
sir (3/4/2011 6:23:34 AM): I have let u have your head for too long
sir (3/4/2011 6:23:57 AM): do u have anything to say

 Here was a very big silence!

sir (3/4/2011 6:25:27 AM): u will go to the gym today
sir (3/4/2011 6:25:33 AM): and do a shop
sir (3/4/2011 6:25:41 AM): if u need anything
sir (3/4/2011 6:26:32 AM): you can do this willing and have a better time or try to be the bitch slave  from hell
sir (3/4/2011 6:26:40 AM): and I will show u hell
sir (3/4/2011 6:27:19 AM): I want my slave back, the 1 I love no matter what
sir (3/4/2011 6:27:44 AM): the last month
sir (3/4/2011 6:27:50 AM): I have been weak
sir (3/4/2011 6:28:16 AM): and I know how u have been worrying about me
sir (3/4/2011 6:28:26 AM): and I love u for that

sir (3/4/2011 6:30:44 AM): You say about being the bitch slave from hell
sir (3/4/2011 6:30:59 AM): and in truth
sir (3/4/2011 6:31:05 AM): I love her too
sir(3/4/2011 6:31:18 AM): but she cant be out much

I'm not sure if i feel and all over body sigh and grin , or an "oh shit " coming over me, a bit of both I think.
Things are not resolved by nay means in my mind at least, but I am beginning to wonder if that matters or not.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Hospital update....good news

I finally heard from him this morning.

He had an variety of x rays and a PET scan to ascertain what has happened in his head and they have decided that he definitely had a bleed and what now definitely looks like a small stroke. He has some damage to his brain, although it is small and confined to a small area where the bleed was. They are investigating what caused the bleed, and think it may well be a weakness that has been there for a long time and was just a"bleed waiting to happen".

The doctor has told him to reduce his stress levels and to take a bit of time off work, although I'm not sure the two are mutually compatible for him.

They say the amount of damage is small:  and that the loss of memory and difficulty in finding words will become less and that the pain in his head will go.

When I spoke to him , he sounded much better, more positive and back to his normal confident self. He said he was on even stronger painkillers for now, but that he would be leaving the hospital within the next twenty four hours, all things being good on more blood test.

I am a long way from home and from him, but I am so happy that things are not as bad as I feared they were, and for that I am very thankful.

Smelling the Roses

Yesterday I was driving along a small and windy road and I saw in the near distance a small bent over old woman. She was wearing traditional clothes, a pair of old well worn and walked on sandals and a peaceful look on her face,

As I got closer I could see she had a load of stick on her back; she was gathering firewood and she had  something strapped close to her chest, and reaslised it was a small baby...................the baby was wrapped tightly in a cloth and snuggled close to her her. I could see her lips moving and heard her singing to the baby in a quiet voice.

I saw her stoop on the grass as the side of the road and carefully bend down, and pick something up.
I slowed the car as I drove past her and waved a hello. ....in her hand was what she picked up.....it was a flower, a wild ginger flower; she smelt it and showed it to the baby, who laughed ...........and sneezed. She put back her head and roared with laughter, and as I drove past I could still hear he singing with laughter in her voice

A short but sweet lesson...it may not have been a rose she was smelling..but she found the time to smell it................and to share her happiness at its beauty.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Without him I am incomplete

First of all I want to thank all of you that took the time to read my last post and then to post comments on my blog, I have read them all several times and am thinking about what you said, it is always good to get a different perspective than your own on something, and so for that and your words of love and support I am very very grateful.
Someone  talked about issues from my past, we all have issues and things left over from previous lives, but I do know that I have addressed these, they are long in my past; they have been examined, taken apart, examined more, considered and decided if I should keep them as memories or not. Some of them I discarded, some are there , buried deep inside me, but I know where they are and how they feel, and they are there to serve as a reminder of what is not good for me, what is not right, what I don't ever have to put up with again in my life. I know that my head is well and truly screwed on in the right direction. I know like all of us, that there are things I could do better or cope with better, or face, not procrastinate about, but those are all part of what makes me  me. Some of those are things that my owner has identified and we have talked about and we have worked on and continue to do so as he has decided what is best for me.

We talked again a little last night, but his head was sore and I had a very late night from work and so it just wasnt a good time. This morning I was awake at four, and he was there, and so we talked. 

He is so good to me, he really is, very kind and understanding. He says he is trying to understand what is happening in my head. He also says that to a large extent that it is his fault, if he had not loosened his control then I would not be feeling lost. He tries to get me to talk about it, to get me to talk about how  I feel, and I know I should "off " the edit button (mouse:)), but I did and this is where it all began to fall apart.

I do feel lost.

I do feel adrift.

He said to me, it won't be long until you are back in my arms again.

And it is true...in a life time of time...it will only be five more months...probably...maybe six...but no more than that. So in a life time its not much, and I do know what he means, but what I cannot get my head round is that when I go home and I am with him, I still have to come back here again, and then it may be a year till I get to go back...that's just the way things are, and for me that is the problem.

This half life, that it what it is.......its a half life, I am living a life that is incomplete, that will be incomplete until I am with him, and how can I do that?

I know that what has been said is very true, that it is up to him to look after me. He is my owner, it is his job, and I do know this and believe it.

But the reality is that I am not sure I can live it like that for the next two and an half years.

Without him I am incomplete,

Without him I am less than whole.

I want him to fix it, I want it with all my heart, but I am scared he cant.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Talking to his old slave............

Update from the hospital, he has to go back in for some more tests,  and is waiting for a call as to when to go, he told me he is the top of the list...which made my heart sink somewhat...but at least he IS top of the list......so fingers crossed that everything is ok.

Last night I talked to his old slave, she was his slave for a long time and before I was his, I talked to her a lot, I was given a lot of time to talk to her, and she was very good to me. She is a very generous woman; kind and gentle. Her life was very difficult; family things that she needed to sort out, that she felt couldn't be sorted out while she was a slave, so to cut a very long and complicated story short, he released her.
He still looks after her, and sees her from time to time, he has helped her with the family stuff and I know she will always love him. When I first met her, she knew I was her replacement, and yet she opened her heart to me, and looked after me, made sure that I was happy to be with him. She never told me how to behave, but she did tell me what to expect. She has spent some time with him this last week and she says that all he talks about with me, I told him was being insensitive and funnily enough he took it!

She, for the first time, tried to give me some advice last night. I didn't really want to talk about what had happened, because it is difficult to explain how things came about, what I said to him. and although I have tried to do it here, I know that this blog is somewhat "iceberg like" and only scrapes the surface at time, because I am worried that if I write it ALL down and then reread it I will have to face up to things and address them.

 Anyway........back to the advice............. I was allowed to talk to her last night and half way through the conversation, where I was skirting around things...this came

A: : take a bit of advice from a old slave?
slave: : ok
A: you're a slave
A: that i bet still thinks for her self
A): try not to think you're a slave
A: just be a slave
A: it sounds silly
A : but
A: you will see in time that you try to hard
A: its not a job
A: its life
A: we both looked for this

Well this bit of advice kept me awake most of the night. I have a lot of time for A, she is a good friend to me and when we are allowed to talk, it is lovely to be able to spend time with her, but her comment really got me thinking, I mulled it over and over in my head. I tried looking at it face on, I tried looking at it sideways, I even tried sneaking up from behind and looking at it...................and the more I thought about it, the more confused I became but also the more clear it was...sounds confusing?

I was, hence the sleepless night.

The problem is, well one of them is 90% of the time thinking for myself is what I have to do, while I am away, so there is the  one of the many dilemmas.........

So what I was wondering is...what do you think of the advice? (not the fact she gave it,) what do you understand by what she said?  Do you think it is possible? and if so ...how?
 I would be really grateful to get some feedback on this from you all. You have been kind and thoughtful since i began this blog and in the last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion...so any comments very gratefully received...and you can be anonymous and reply too!