A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Monday, 14 March 2011

No place to hide

Yesterday he decided that I should go to the gym early in the morning and then when I had finished I was to go home and spend two hours in my room, I didn't have to do anything specific, just remain there. Then he arranged for me to be online at 6pm to talk to him, saying that he would be using me then.

I tried to stay in the gym as long as possible, but when I returned home , I did not want to go to my room for one minute, let alone 120..........but I did. It was not too bad, I did some paperwork, sorted out a few things, sorted my clothes a bit and before I knew it the time was up. I am not sure if I was meant to be thinking slavey things......but I didn't.

I escaped outside for a bit to get some sun and fresh (89% humidity, 34C...not so fresh)  air and clear my head and then went back inside to wait for 6pm.

I was online just in time and he was waiting for me, we talked for a little while before he sent me back to my room.

He talked at me; telling me about his decisions, about why he had made them and that ....moan, sulk, fight back, whatever, there was no changing the facts ...........that I am his slave and will remain so until or when he decides otherwise, and as he has no plans to release me, leave me, sell me or anything else, I am there for good.

Now I know I should be reassured by this, but I still can't get him to see  things from my point of view.

He told me to strip and put my rope on, once again round my neck tight enough to feel it, but not tight enough to stop me breathing, and then he sent me to the wall to think about how I could be a better slave.

I rolled my eyes.

I wasnt aware of it, but he saw it, and I was firmly told that if I did it again, or pulled a face he would punish me. I stood facing the wall for twenty seven minutes.

I don't like the wall, its boring.......my head is full of thoughts....I made lists, I recalled lyrics from songs, I re-ran conversations in my head, I went through plans for work, thought about an agenda for an upcoming meeting, I tried everything I could not to think about being a slave...............but when I finally ran out of things to keep my mind from going to where it should be, I started to think about it and I started to cry.

I am not sure why I was crying, But I cried and cried and cried...maybe it was a  realisation of what a bitch I have been, what an bad excuse for a slave, maybe it was frustration, maybe it was boredom, maybe it was just sadness..........but Oh boy did I cry.

He called me back to him and had me kneel on the hard floor with then end of the rope under my knees. He had me get the plug and insert it and then four pegs, once on each nipple and one one for each cunt lip. And he talked to me as "the slave" and "it".

He had me put the hood on, the bag that has a draw string, that I have to pull closed and then he told me he would buzz me to cum and then buzz me to take off the hood.

I waited on my knees for the buzz, cut off from the world, cut off from him, the pegs squeezing and pinching, knowing that when I made myself cum, the pegs on my cunt would be pulled and flicked, and would tighten as my lips swelled, as too would the ones on my nipples.

I didn't want to cum, I just didn't want to. When the buzzer went I started to cry again, and tried to delay the cumming, but knew that I couldn't. I knew I had to do what he said..........and so I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't be able to cum, that the "off " button had been switched.......but of course it had not.........and so I came, on the floor, kneeling with the hood on, before my owner......doing as he had told me.

I waited for a long time for the next buzzer and when I took off the hood, I couldn't look up, I couldn't look at him, I was feeling shamed................I think by my behaviour, but also by the fact that my body had done what it is trained to do, to cum when I am told, even when I don't want to, don't feel like I can...........I still do.

 He asked me what was wrong, and I didn't have the words to explain so I sat quietly and tried to just "be"..........and he left me in peace, not talking, just watching. And in my mind I wandered off to  a beautiful beach in Australia that I have walked along, miles of emptiness, soft sand sunshine and clear clear water..............and breathtaking beauty in its simplicity and I felt calmer, happier.

He told me to take three of the pegs off, to tidy up the toys, and to leave my room for one hour and then come back. I chose to keep one on my cunt, as it seemed to hurt the least. So I left the room with the peg and the butt plug and watched the clock for an hour, having a normal conversation , and making coffee, knowing what was in and on me, reminding me of what I am.

When I returned to the computer, he wasn't there......................and by now the peg was very sore, I knelt waiting for him, but couldn't get comfortable, couldn't get my head round the pain, and I longed for him to return. For the first time in a long time, I longed for him. I am ashamed to say, I think mostly it was because I wanted him to remove the peg........

When he came back he told me he had fallen asleep and I began to panic a bit about what I would have done if he had not come back........would I have kept the peg on for hours, would I have taken it off, what would I do?

He asked me what was wrong and I told him the peg hurt and he said that I could remove it................that is the moment we dread, knowing that one type of pain will be replaced by another type, and although I wanted to get it off as fast as possible, I didn't want to take it off at all.....So I took a deep breath and released it, and the pain flowed like a searing flame inside me ......and I cried again.............

He then had me move the cam onto my cunt and hold it open for his inspection and he commented on how wet it was, how swollen and then he  told me to play with my cunt..........and as I got close to cumming he had me stop............he did this four times, till I was fighting hard to control myself and then he let me cum,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and as I came I had to hold my cunt open for him to see, to watch.

He told me there was no place to hide, no place to go..............and that he knew that I was not thinking like I should.................this was just a reminder of who controls my body...............and that he is going to start all over again if needs be; from the very beginning and he will control my mind again too, and then things will be in place again, order will be restored and I will be happy.

He asked me how I felt and I told him "used", he told me I had not been used, I had given him pleasure.

I felt exposed..........I felt used and I cried .................................and as I cried he talked to me, in a low soft gentle voice............................. and I slept.


  1. Hugs, HS, lots and lots of hugs.

    I know that's all I ever have for you, but - you know - that's all I got to offer.


  2. I love your hugs, they make me feel warm and thought about, its a big lonely place out there sometimes, and knowing someone is thinking of you feels good. Thank you,

  3. Lots of hugs for you HS ... I don't know how you do the long distance thing ... I certainly couldn't do it ... You are a stronger woman than I am for sure!!!

    I hope this time with your Dom has helped you back on the path to re-centering yourself.

    Lil' Heaven

  4. More hugs! The intensity of what you felt and wrote made mouse cry too.


  5. Lil' Heaven....the LD thing is not by choice, and yes it is hard, and I am not strong, deep inside I am not strong at all...its all a front!

    mouse....didnt mean to make you cry.xxx