A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Talking to his old slave............

Update from the hospital, he has to go back in for some more tests,  and is waiting for a call as to when to go, he told me he is the top of the list...which made my heart sink somewhat...but at least he IS top of the list......so fingers crossed that everything is ok.

Last night I talked to his old slave, she was his slave for a long time and before I was his, I talked to her a lot, I was given a lot of time to talk to her, and she was very good to me. She is a very generous woman; kind and gentle. Her life was very difficult; family things that she needed to sort out, that she felt couldn't be sorted out while she was a slave, so to cut a very long and complicated story short, he released her.
He still looks after her, and sees her from time to time, he has helped her with the family stuff and I know she will always love him. When I first met her, she knew I was her replacement, and yet she opened her heart to me, and looked after me, made sure that I was happy to be with him. She never told me how to behave, but she did tell me what to expect. She has spent some time with him this last week and she says that all he talks about with me, I told him was being insensitive and funnily enough he took it!

She, for the first time, tried to give me some advice last night. I didn't really want to talk about what had happened, because it is difficult to explain how things came about, what I said to him. and although I have tried to do it here, I know that this blog is somewhat "iceberg like" and only scrapes the surface at time, because I am worried that if I write it ALL down and then reread it I will have to face up to things and address them.

 Anyway........back to the advice............. I was allowed to talk to her last night and half way through the conversation, where I was skirting around things...this came

A: : take a bit of advice from a old slave?
slave: : ok
A: you're a slave
A: that i bet still thinks for her self
A): try not to think you're a slave
A: just be a slave
A: it sounds silly
A : but
A: you will see in time that you try to hard
A: its not a job
A: its life
A: we both looked for this

Well this bit of advice kept me awake most of the night. I have a lot of time for A, she is a good friend to me and when we are allowed to talk, it is lovely to be able to spend time with her, but her comment really got me thinking, I mulled it over and over in my head. I tried looking at it face on, I tried looking at it sideways, I even tried sneaking up from behind and looking at it...................and the more I thought about it, the more confused I became but also the more clear it was...sounds confusing?

I was, hence the sleepless night.

The problem is, well one of them is 90% of the time thinking for myself is what I have to do, while I am away, so there is the  one of the many dilemmas.........

So what I was wondering is...what do you think of the advice? (not the fact she gave it,) what do you understand by what she said?  Do you think it is possible? and if so ...how?
 I would be really grateful to get some feedback on this from you all. You have been kind and thoughtful since i began this blog and in the last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion...so any comments very gratefully received...and you can be anonymous and reply too!


  1. hs.

    While mouse understand the idea of what she was trying to say, it's really a bit more than that. It's actually a lot more complex than to just "be." Truthfully, you don't get to that place on your own, the way she is suggesting -- or it seems she's suggesting by the simplicity of her words. You get to that place through him alone. He guides you there.

    However mouse does agree that slavery is not a job, but a life. Having said that, Doms aren't cookie cut, and there's no one size fits all for slavery. It goes back to letting him guide you and direct the course you take and you allowing him to do that. And also remember what he wants from you, might be strikingly different from what he wanted from his past slave.

    A final note, part of being a slave is learning to let go (or turning off your edit) of those little parts you want to hide or protect him from. As Omega sometimes reminds mouse, it's HIS job to protect mouse.


  2. Well I'm glad Mouse posted, because I'm as clueless as you are. I'm not sure why you lost sleep. I think I would have thought, odd, and dozed right off. Let's see, she quit 'slave' because she couldn't do it and family. You have to do it all, and you are supposed to do slave and not think about it. How would one do what she herself couldn't?

    I love the notion of not thinking, and being. It's such a wonderful place, no question about it, if one has the luxury of it. The problem is when real life reality smacks you in the face. If you DON't think you're screw. You can't only think in little spirts.

    We've read you. You have an issue with your voice. I think you should rally it loud and smack her cute consoling ass! Now, was that ugly? Sorry. She's a different kind of submissive, Mouse hit that on the head. What were her thoughts on you wanting to talk to him and him sticking you in the cupboard? You wanted attention. Yes, I'm bringing this up. I'm not being the support person you need, I'm sorry, but dang. It doesn't take a very big couch to see the connection. He didn't feel like hearing you, and put you away. It seems that's what you felt your whole life, and for once, you know what - you did speak up and say NO. It might not look like a, 'you can't do that to me', but it does to me. I think he reinforced the biggest obstacle you have, and is now puzzled at why you pushed away.

    Here's my thought. BE whatever the hell YOU want, however YOU want to do it. My thought is fix you, then fix the slave in you. I think you get YOU right the way YOU need, slave's going to follow along just fine. That''s what I think...

  3. First, I loved reading the 2 comments before me...lots of seeds for thoughts. What i came here to say is...don't over think. Master says i over think...just be. I wanted this in my life, i am lucky tohave the right connection, just be and enjoy. I know it is not that easy, not for me, not for you. I came to submission late in life, so being "strong' and independent was me...only it wasn't really.
    Not much advice here really...but you will find your way...

  4. I think that "don't think, just be" business is interesting, but not really anything I've ever been successful at doing. And -- I don't think you can contemplate even approaching that level when you are not directly physically "under his care" some big piece of the time. It is one thing to ask for advice, fine to take what is offered, but don't underestimate your own wisdom in relationship to your own life.

    hugs, swan

  5. I've read this 5 times, started and deleted 5 responses.

    I like to think I have insightful idea, but on this, I have no clue.

    I agree with everything everyone else has said, and that's some very different perspectives, so that doesn't even make sense.

    So - I have no advice. I have - love. I'm sending love for you. I'm holding you in my heart as firmly as I can and imagining light shining on you, around you, and from you.


  6. Thank you all so much for your comments and support.

    I don't think I made it very clear about A, she was trying to be supportive, she is a very good woman and her family needed her desperately and it was with great sadness and a very heavy heart she gave up this life and left the man who now owns me.

    For now I don't really know what else to say, except thank you all very much.