Do I pick up the cards?

Having promised my 'friend' that I would get back to him at sometime I sent him an email. He is my blast from the past.  I told him a few more details of what had happened and how I was feeling, how things were and a few of my plans for the future (which involved a big long list of place to visit this year: Laos, Myamar and Australia).

I told him I would be returning to the UK at some point too this year and I asked how he was. And that was it.

I got an email back pretty much straight away. He asked how I was feeling, how I was coping, how I was behaving  (which made me smile) and then there was the big question tacked onto the end of the email......

"So my little lost subby friend...how are you managing without control in your life?"

I was just about to reply and say I was fine without it, that I was having a rest from it, that I didn't need it, that I didn't want it, and then I paused and had a small think to myself and wondered if this was entirely true....and as i was thinking another email arrived and all it said was....

"Hmmmmm, thought so"

I laughed.

He then sent a longer email to me, offering to take on a "mentoring role", a role of keeping me safe until such time as I make up my mind about anything else. He has offered to talk to me, at length about what  I think I might need to keep me sane, on the straight and narrow (relatively speaking) and to set a level of control.

I know he is married, I know he is far away, I know that  he is offering what he is offering; no more , no less. I know all the facts, as much as I can.

 He has laid his cards on the table.

Do I pick them up?

He asked me to think about what he has said, what he has offered and to email him in a week as to my decision , to indicate if this is something I want.

So....is my hand hovering above those cards or is it over my mouth stopping the "OMG, what do I do now from coming out" ?

Well its a bit of both.

The level of control

He took my hand in his and held it tightly, he told me how much he had missed me and how he had dreamed of this moment, when I was once again  truly his.

He told me that he knew my heart was his, and now he had reclaimed my mouth as his, it was time for the next part of me.

He sent me into the bathroom for a shower and told me to make sure that when I returned that I was dry. I spent a long time in the bathroom, running through in my mind what had happened , what I was feeling and wondering what would be next.

I returned to the bed room and there on the bed was a bag, smallish but long .I knelt at the end of the bed and waited for him.


His hand reached to my chin and lifted my face to his...............he smiled and slowly tied a blindfold over my eyes, soft black material completely covering my eyes, blocking out the light. He took my hand once more and laid it on his chest above his heart and then moved it to my chest and did the same.

"Be a good girl and don't fight me, don't complain".

He took my hand behind my back and began to tie a rope around my wrist and then the other, pulling them together, the rope ran up my arms to my elbows and I felt him tie them off.

 Then very slowly and carefully he began to wind a different rope, a rough rope around my chest, under my tits and over the top, pulling tighter and tighter with each go, and I felt the rope tighten around my tits, pushing them , squeezing them, the blood restricted them, swelling quickly...my nipples  tight.

 I stood as still as I could while he worked, he ocassionally adjusted my body's stance; moving me, rearrnaging me very slightly.

He took the first rope and pulled my arms upwards and backwards slightly, and then wound the rope once around my neck, pulling it, pushing the rope between my tightly bound tits. I realised he had tied the rope round the rope there and then he ran it between my legs and tied it back onto the loop around my wrists.

I now stood very still, knowing that if I moved the rope would either tighten around my neck, pull the other rops tighter around my tits or dig deeper into my cunt.

He kissed me and told me to open my mouth and as I did, he placed a thin cord over my tounge and told me to keep it there, and then very carefully and gently he attached each end to one of my nipple bars. He warned me if I let go of the cord we would start all over again.

I stood still as I felt him check the ropes; he checked the rope around my neck, he kept checking it throughout the whole session, to make sure I was ok.

He walked around me, talking about what he could see, what he liked and then without warming he slapped my tits very hard and as he did he said "cord". I had opened my mouth to gasp, but shut it quickly.

I waited for the next slap...and it came...................... along with the pinching, the squeezing, poking, probing, examining.  He pulled on the ropes till they were cutting into me, deep inside my cunt, the rough rope burning.

The slaps on my swollen tits hurting, stinging, filling them with heat and pain.

I stood, taking it, knowing this was what he needed...........it was hard, it hurt, but he needed for me to do as I was told, to take what he was giving me.

I longed for it to stop.
In my head I stopped it and began to imagine him undoing the rope, stopping the pain. I imagined his arms around me once more, but it continued, and with each movement, each response to his actions, one bit of rope or another bit deeper, tightened,...hurt. And every time I moved my head the neck rope would tighten and loosen, and the cord tied to my nipple bars would jerk and pull, sending hot rods of pain deep inside me

And then it did stop.

He leaned close into me.........his lips brushing my ear..............."Stay still, remember the cord" and I heard him leave the room and turn on the bath and I knew it was over soon. I held that cord so tight in my teeth.I did not want it to start again, I really didn't.

He cam back in and I felt his damp fingers on my wrists and slowly he began to undo the ropes, pulling the rough rope gently out of my cunt, gently massaging my wrist and arms, but still leaving the blindfold on.

And he picked me up and carried me to the bathroom, and stood me up , and helped me into the warm  water, the smell of jasmine filling the air, and as he undid the blindfold and  took it away, he was all I could see.

He kissed me once more and said.

"Thank you, slave. Stay there, I will be back."

He returned with a cold glass of champagne and sat on the edge of the bath watching while I lay there relaxing, and then helped me dry myself as I got out.

I went back into the bedroom, where my clothes now lay on the bed, with a beautiful new necklace, made from silver and garnets......and he told me to dress, we had a dinner booking.

I was very unslavely and leapt at him, flung my arms around his neck, wrapped my legs around his waist and covered his face with kisses.

He laughed so loud, gently pushed me away, then flung me on the bed, slapped my arse and told me to be quick.

him, me and the box of tricks

We have had a difficult few days, my heart belongs to him, as does the rest of me, but I am pulled in different directions by family and fiends. I need to see them to and he knows this, he knows I need to and he wants me to, but he wants me to be with him too.

He sends me off to see them, giving me a free rein, but then gets snappy when I don't send him text, or call to let him know whats going on.

Its always difficult, this telling him. half of me likes it, the control, his need to be in charge, his concern that I am ok, and yet still the other half of me whats to tell him that I am more than capable to look after myself, plan a route, know where I am going, to be bale to change my plans and "go with the flow".

Sometimes I hate having to text him when things change. Its not as if he wants to really change things himslef, he just wnts to be kept "in the picture". So we have a had a few days where he has been frustrated to say the least, lack of coverage from mobile phone where I am is adding to it.

He has put his foot down and we are going away for a week, just the two of us to some remote cottage somewhere, we leave tomorrow......I love my friends and family, but I see his point; just him and me...we him and me and the box of tricks............

Leap of faith

He asked me if he had changed since his stroke, and expected me to answer straight away. I said I needed to think about it before I could give a considered answer. So he let me think and we have discussed it, but in the meantime there was something else I said to him that has upset his Domly feelings.

We were talking about when I come home, which may now have to be moved back a week due to complications and time stuff, however, when we were discussing something, he was walking about hog tying me and using me. I must have pulled a face or had some expression he didn't like  and he asked me what was wrong

 I told him I was scared. there was a deafening silence down the line.
"Scared? Are you scared of me"

Well no I am not scared of HIM per se, however I am scared that once I am in that position he can and will do exactly as he pleases.
I thought long and hard about it. Am I anxious, or nervous , or scared?
I am scared.

He was not happy at all.He wasn't angry with me and made it very clear that he wasn't, however, he was  a little hurt that I could be scared of him.

He could understand anxiety or nerves....but fear? He could not understand how if I trust him, how I can be scared. When then got him to thinking that I can't possibly trust him 100%. Which then in turn took us back to the original question....Has he changed?

I think I may have told him about being scared, because it was my way of answering the first question. I am scared. I am not sure what I am scared of, I am just scared. It is a long time since I have been with him, it is six months, but that should just make me anxious I think, as well as excited and nervously expectant.

However I am scared, not hugely, but I am.

So thinking further about this and what I had said he decided to get me to lie with my hand behind my back and let him see my cunt, to hold it open , to use it for his pleasure. He then explained htat it did'nt matter where I am, he has the control. That was not how I was feeling. I explained to him , that it would be totally different.

Here, I could, in theory, just move my hand, close my  legs and shut the cam and there is nothing that he can do about it. That I choose to submit to him at each level., at each order. I know that this is something I would find hard not to do, and in fact I do it automatically, but in reality I could stop.

Once I am there with him, and he has me tied and exposed, there is NOTHING I can do. I choose to submit all in one lump, give the whole lot of control at once, that is what he has, he holds, and I hold nothing. I know that is what this is about, and its what I said I would give him...all the control...but now i am scared to. he thinks it is a reflection on him, that I don't trust him.

Do I?
  I am not sure.

The old him, yes I did, implicitly. I have, with my life , but the new him...I don't know.
If i don't trust him, how is the dynamic changed, how are "we" changed, how is out life changed?


Has he changed? Yes he has. he is not the man he was. I am not sure many people would see what I see. I see a loss of confidence. On the outside he appears almost the same, but I know deep down inside he feels different. He seems to sometimes not trust his own judgement , or his decision making process, and sometimes I can see why. He is definitely more tetchy, quicker to anger. Is that a result or a consequence.

It is a medical consequence, however  sometimes I feel it is born from frustration with himself and a shorter fuse .

He tell me that since it happened, his feelings for me have deepened, that he still sees me as his slave,and always will, but that he loves me more than he ever did, and sometimes he finds it difficult to hurt me for his pleasure alone. Its not difficult to hurt me as a justified punishment, but just for fun, is not so easy, and he is not so decisive about things now.

He has changed. I don't know if it is all a physical result of the stroke or an emotional response to it

Do I trust him? In theory ...yes ..in practise..? .I am not sure...maybe I only will when we see each other again, and I know for definite that I can, and if my trust is misplaced...then what?
Will my owner be able to do what he could before, make me feel safe?
So many questions to be answered...and I think it will take a leap of faith.....not sure if I have it at the moment.
And if I tell him this, and I must, is there a way around it?

The conversation went like this

"Hello Slave...no talking just listen".

I want to see you naked on your knees, kneeling before me your rope around your neck, your skin wet from a shower.

I want to know that you are there, ready before me, waiting to please your owner, ready to do whatever you are asked, ready to willingly do anything, take anything and be anything.

I want you to imagine yourself there now, waiting for me, feeling my hand slowly tracing down your body, cupping your breast, gently squeezing your nipple, feeling the bar I put inside you as a sign of my ownership.

I want to to think of the times you have waited like this for me, sometimes for minutes and sometimes for hours. I need you to think how you have felt as you have waited, how you have longed to feel my hand on you. How sometimes it has been gentle, caring and soft and how other times I have come up behind you and pulled your hair backwards, or how I have squeezed your nipples so hard that your knees have buckled , or the times I have pulled you up by your nipples and squeezed your breast so hard that you have cried.

Can you feel my hand slave, can you, slipping slowly round your neck, gently squeezing, your eyes on mine until I press harder and harder, and noises and sensations become detached in your brain?

Can you feel yourself struggle for breath as I close my hand over your mouth, and how you know I may close my fingers over your nose, your very breath under my control?

Think how you feel slave, when you are against the wall, or your arse in the air and I am examining you, how you feel when I make you eat and drink from your bowl, my foot on your neck or your rope pinning you to the ground at my feet. Think how you feel when your crawl across the floor drooling and begging me to allow you to suck my cock, or be allowed to cum. And think how you feel when I say no, how you have pleaded and begged me. How do you feel when I call you slut, toy, it, pain toy, slave? How does it feel when you are left on the floor and I step over you, or when I treat you as just another one of my things, one of my possessions?

When you sleep at night slave, next to me how do you feel? Is it different when you sleep at my feet, or when I make you sleep on the floor? Or when I wake you at night to please me , to suck my cock, or to play with yourself for my enjoyment?

Think my slave how these things make you feel.

When I tell you what you may or may not do, when I have you remain still or fear the consequences, when I bound you, the rope tightening as you move, the times the ropes holds you open exposing you, giving unrestricted access to your body and thus your soul.

And how my slave does it feel when you are spanked? My hand on your arse, or the crop, biting into you, stinging, think of the sound of my belt as I take it off and you know it will be used on your body and how you hold yourself still for me while I use it on you, on your arse, your body, your breasts. Think how your feel when you see my hand reach for the whip, think slave.

This slave, is your life, you are mine, and everything you have and do is mine to control, every pleasure , every pain, every breath..................my control slave.

I will talk tou you tomorrow slave, go to bed and No talking to anyone, I want my words to fill your head, don't speak, no tv no radio, no music tonight, go to sleep".

And I went to bed, my cunt dripping with longing, my head filled with his voice and my night filled with the images he had planted there, flashing images in my dreams that left me wanting him, needing those feeling he had talked about, needing to feel his control, needing that submissive feeling to wash over me, flow into my body, my heart, my soul, my being.

This morning he did not mention his phone call, did not refer to it, it was like it never happened. I began to wonder if I had imagined it, dreamt it, but I looked on my phone and he  HAD called.

Now he is working..........................*sigh*
.

Be careful what you wish for

This morning he decided it was time for a little play.

So as we were talking he had me attach the TENS unit pads to the very top of my inner thigh and get the vibe and put it just inside my cunt, on the lowest possible "on" and then he continued talking to me. I had sent him a beginning of the story the other day and he wanted me to tell him the next part, and for some reason it was really embarrassing. I am not sure why, but even the thought of saying it, made me blush and squirm with embarrassment. He laughed at me and asked me if I was blushing because if I had to tell him the next bit of the story, he would be able to see how depraved I could be. Which just sort of made it worse, because he was right. I was worried about that old phrase, "Be careful what you wish for" coming back and biting me on the arse when I get home. Any way he got distracted by a call and seemed to forget what he had asked me to do.

I waited until he had finished talking, then followed his instruction to turn up the unit and the vibe and put it deeper inside me. And he talked a bit about work and just stuff. The he made me turn up the unit more, and use the vibrator, and then I stopped concentrating. My mind distracted by the pain and the sensations inside me, I stopped concentrating and I came. Realising what had happened, I started to say sorry.

"On your knees slave"

I leap of the bed, untangled myself from earphones, ropes , books etc and almost threw myself on the floor, onto my knees, knowing that what I had done.

"Did I say you could cum slave, did you have permission?"

I hung my head and shook it .

"Well, did you?"

"No Sir, I did not have permission"

He turned up the unit and told me that he felt that he had not been controlling me as much as he should have been, that it was my responsibility to tell him when I was about to cum, and to ask permission, but that the control was his responsibility.  And as I will be home in four week, from now on there will be more control, there will be preparation to be with him again. It will be hard work and he will be taking back all the control that he has let slip.

Then he told me to make myself cum for him. And this time I asked before I did and he said yes, although it had crossed my mind he might have said no, just to make a point.
.
He stopped the pain, he stopped the pleasure. He stopped everything.

And I got so cold the moment it stopped, I was freezing, shaking and shivering from head to foot. My teeth began to chatter and he asked me what was wrong. I was frozen.
He told me to get back into bed, to wrap myself up.

And he talked to me about how much he was looking forward to seeing me again, how he longer to have me home in his arms, how he missed the feel of my hand in his. He talked about how much he loves me  and misses me, how proud he is of me. He told me how the bed is empty without me.
He also told me he know that I am excited about coming home, but how I am nervous too. It has been nearly six months and it will be scarey, the control will be difficult at first.

And I fell back to sleep with these words in my ears.

"Sleep sweet slave, I love you"

It doesnt get much better than that.

Biting the tip of my tongue

There are times when I just get fed up with the control.

There are times when I just want to shout " I can do this without you, I can make up my own mind, make my own decisions".

This is one of these times. I am fighting hard not to shout, not to roll my eyes and pull a face when I have to ask. Its not about micro management, it about control.

For example this morning when I woke up I needed to pee, but I have to ask if I can go, I did and came back to bed and lay down. Its difficult to see the laptop lying down , so I sat up and was asked why I sat up, had I asked if I could sit up? I have to ask if I want a drink, or if I need a tissue.

I have to wait to be told to go to the shower and when to get in and out, when to go back to my room, He chooses my clothes when its appropriate.

He controls what time I go to bed, within the constraints of work. I have outlines of what I am expected to do in the spare time I have, and each day I must tell him what I have done. I have to ask to call my family, although if I NEED  to, then I am allowed to just do it, and tell him afterwards.
He has now told me I must take my phone with me everywhere I go, and have it connected to the internet at all times in case he wants to leave me a message.

At the moment its driving me crazy. For example, last night he told me I could go to a party that was on, he said I had to be back by 12, so I was. And when I got online to talk to him; he was snappy and grumpy. I asked him why. He told me he had been waiting for me, normally I don't stay out that late when I have been working and he was expecting me earlier and had been waiting. He wanted some time with me. It was on the tip of my tongue to remind him that it was HIM that said 12, not me that asked, it was him who said "Go, you will have fun", it was him. But I didn't. There is no point.

The reason I don't fight back, the reason I don't say anything.....because he has the control...........he can say what he likes......but I think the tip of my tongue may soon fall off.

I have been thinking about why it is bothering me so much is that  work has been so busy, he has backed off a bit, given me time to do what I have to do, and so the level of control has dropped, the level of interaction has fallen, and I have become used to it ...........and now any control just is driving me crazy. I know when he clamps down again I will be resentful and fight it, I know, but oh I will be so pleased when it is back.....

"you are many things....but first and foremost you are my slave"

I am now a snot free zone. I would have written earlier, but here in "far away" blogger was unavailable, some of my comment have been wiped off and we had no connection for  a few day...but at last things seem to be working again.

Somehow "he" managed to find the right moment to get online, when it was working and decided that he had waited long enough for me to be well, that whilst he understood I was sick and wanted me to get better, more important things were stirring. He "has needs". ....and as it is my job to make sure that he is happy, and that is my main concern in life, in fact my very role...it was time for me to do my job and be pleasing and entertaining.

However.

There was one comment I made, just one little sentence...all I did was mention in a slightly sarcastic tone that I had not been well..............................and all hell broke loose.

He was not happy with my tone

He was not happy with the contents of my remarks

He was not happy with my attitude

In fact

He was not happy fullstop.

My use of the words "I am not happy" imply that I am feeling a little down, or maybe upset, or worried or just a bit sad.
His use of the words "I am not happy" .......well that means something entirely different altogether.

It means..................there is something you have done slave, or said, or thought that has now changed how I am feeling. There is something that has happened that I do not like and I am going to change it back....SOMETHING WILL BE DONE.

It really was just one of those throw away remarks, flippant.....
He told me that speaking to him like that was not acceptable, that he had been concerned when I was sick, he had been thoughtful and caring and I didn't need to remind him I had been ill, he had spent several days watching me work my way through boxes of tissues etc.

He asked me if I was better........of course I was better....."Yes Sir thank you, I feel fine now".
"Come back in an hour" I was told, "and in that hour I want you to think about what has made me less than happy."

So an hour later I came back and knelt before him to explain.

"Strip slave, no talking.I don't want to hear a sound from you. Get the butt plug and vibrator".

I can only say I scampered off and got them , returning to my place on my knees , and with my rope around my neck I knelt, waiting.
"Butt plug first slave, then vibrator. Get a peg and put it on your tongue" then TENS unit pads went onto each nipple and was turned to sixty percent, then the rope was pulled tighter around my neck, so I could feel it, and looped over my shoulders and wrapped around my feet.

"Turn around slave, on your knees, arse in the air, face on the floor and use that vibrator, use it hard, ram in in and fuck yourself"

Within about fifteen seconds I was desperate to cum..............he was very clear it wasn't going to happen. I couldn't ask..............

My mind filled with nothing with the sensations of the vibrator and the plug, the pain from the TENS and the awareness of the rope on my heck and feet...............

"Cum for me slave"
I didn't need telling twice.... I did.

And as  he kept me there, with my head on the floor, the drool leaving one puddle and the juices from my cunt dripping down my legs I felt overwhelmed by his control.

"Get the hood"
I crawled to where I had left the hood.
"Put it on"
I put it on and stayed where I was.
Back where you belong slave"
I knelt before him
"On no slave that is not where you belong, that is where I let you be when I am happy. You belong over by the wall, on your knees with your face on the floor and your arse in the air."

And so feeling shamed, I crawled back there, remembering that I should never assume anything , I turned around and faced the wall, opened my legs , put my shoulders to the floor and felt my face press into the hood as I lay it on the hard wood.

"Now tell me what you thought about in your hour slave."

And so inside the hood, with the peg on my tongue , I mumbled and tried to speak, to explain I was sorry for the remark, that I know how much he cares about me, how he had worried I was sick, how he had looked after me as much as he could from far away, I tried to appologise for my rudeness, for making him "Less than happy".

When I had finished he left me there and told me to listen for his return.

Maybe ten minutes passed and I heard him, I heard the click of his camera shutter, the zoom of the lens, and his voice
"Get up slave, turn around and come to the camera,"

I crawled closer to the computer and following his instructions adjusted, I removed the hood.

And as I did he was taking photos, my face was  damp from sweat and drool, my hair too, my eyes wide , tear stained and the peg still on my tongue.


He allowed me to remove the peg and turn off the unit..................."You want a shower slave? "
I went to answer him...."Oh no slave, no talking, if you want to talk you will wear the peg" So I nodded.

"Go have your shower , get dry and come back here."

I stood in the hot shower, thinking of what had happened, feeling the water on my body, wanting to stay there forever, yet wanting to be back with him. I wrapped a big towel around myself for comfort and returned to my knees.

"On the bed slave, and remember no talking"

Taking the towel off I climbed into bed.

"I have sent you something slave , I want you to open it now and thin about what I have sent you"
I opened the email and there were the pictures he had taken.

"Remember my slave , you are many things in life, many thing to many people. To me also you are many thing, but first and foremost..............you are my slave. Don't ever forget that"

Another email arrived and this one contained a video of me struggling not to cum, my plugged arse facing the camera, as I ram the big vibrator over and over again into my cunt.

And I started to cry..................big sobs, more snot,

and when I had calmed down a little he asked me what I felt
I reached for the peg and put it on my tongue and told him
""relief Sir"
"You see slave I know what you need, I know what is best for you, all I do I do with your best interests at heart"
He told me to remove the peg, I wasn't not to speak again. In fact I was not to speak to him again until he told me I could. And that when I am alone I am to wear a peg closing my lips and when I am with him I will wear it too................time to think before I open my mouth , and if I want to speak I must put my hand up like a child........and he will decide if I may speak................but for the next two days he will be away and I will not get to talk with him at all, no calls, no text, no IM, no nothing.

I will be allowed to talk with him, but it will be limited when he comes back, so I will have to think more carefully about the words I use and what I say. Speaking like anything else in not a right, it is a gift from him

So now I am alone, with the peg on my lips, closed together, silenced and I am full of words I want to say to him, but until Monday night there will be nothing.

I am his slave. I am his

Apparently pulling faces is not an appropriate response to an instruction to get down and dirty

This week I have, apparently, been guilty of "pulling faces".
I think it has been one of those cases whereby you would say to your teenaged children".....and you can stop rolling your eyes at me" or "Don't take that attitude with me young lady".

I fear that I am ...guilty as charged.

I have had a hard week at work, a couple of days have been very long and particularly difficult, the weather has been extra hot and very humid, the a/c failed and its just been hard. I'm tired, but not sleeping well, again my night filled with violent and disturbing dreams and I have been...well I have been...just ...tired.

He has been good, allowing me to go to bed early on the days when I can, even though I know he wants some attention, wants to talk with me, use me, get his "control itch" scratched. However, when I have woken early and he has realized that he has time to have a little fun, he has jumped on it. So barely have my eyes flickered open when the vibrator is in me and I am expected to writhe around in pleasure. Now I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but jeeez...let me wake up a little.
He told me, on the afternoon I was coming home earlier, that it would be good to talk with me, to have some time alone, to talk to each other.............now his idea of talking seems to have changed.
My understanding was that I would sit with a coffee and have thoughts enter my head and I would convey them to him, and I would respond to his words with more of my own. That we would be having verbal discourse.
His idea of talking was to attach every single peg that I have in my possession to the most sensitive and painful parts of my body, to have me insert the vibrator and turn it on full, and then wrap the rope round and round my legs until they were secured. And then to have me jump up and down and see how many of the pegs fell off and how long it would take.

For the record. 26 of them fell off and 42 of them stayed on.

 The level of conversation from my part was a few grunts, some yelping, ouching, moaning and under the breath muttering and swearing .

His conversation involved, a few instruction, including one not to pull another face.

This is not talking.

So next time he says "do you miss talking to me?" my answer is most definitely going to be "No Sir".
He says now that every time I pull a face I am to record it in the book and for each face I will be punished with 10 thwacks of the cane........
I think pulling a face in response to an instruction to be turned on instantly at 5 am, or be excited about having a cold shower because all the hot water has been used up because you had to use the shower head flow to cum at silly o'clock, or anything when you are not in the mood...is perfectly reasonable....but apparently not.

 I know I moan about the hood, but for now it may just be my only refuge!

The control is what I need the most.

I have been thinking........was it fun?  Was it? No it  wasn't.

Was it something he enjoys? Yes I guess it was.......he likes having the control, he like knowing that I will do what he says. He likes to know that he can make me do things I don't want to........but then I guess that's his kink...and mine is knowing I will.

He is into breath play, he always has been....................he likes to place his large hands around my neck and fix my eyes with his and gently squeeze and watch my face. He like to press harder as he fucks me, or as I make myself cum for him.........he likes to control me.

It is a lot more difficult to do this when I am "far away".
Its  a lot more difficult to do this safely when I am not with him.

He sent me back with a clear, very large plastic bag.
He asked me to get all of the toys out, including the bag.........when he says 'Including the bag", my heart sort of leaps and sinks at the time time. I am filled with such a mixture of emotions. I love the control and the feelings that follow it, but I hate the bag itself.

The whole issue of safety is such a big one, the risks involved and measuring it , monitoring it etc is such a difficult thing to do from far away.
So to get over issues of safety, we have the laptop speaker on, the phone on and the camera is always on my face, nothing, but nothing takes his eyes off my face.The play itself is very restricted.

I kneel before him and attach the pegs to my nipples, immediately they begin to bite, to bite into the soft skin of my nipples, making me squirm with pain. He has me flick, pull and twist the pegs until I am begging him to stop...and still he continues.

He has me attach pegs to my cunt and one on my clit and has me flick them, and all the time my cunt is throbbing, getting wetter and I know what is coming.

I want it to start so it will be over..and yet I don't want it to start.
Its not like it is when I am home with him...here there is more fear, far more fear...even though I do know I am safe.

He has me prepare myself. the butt plug is in and I kneel before him ..........and then his phone goes and so I have to lie face down on the floor and wait for him to finish. I can hear him talking; hear him say he is busy, and yet still he talks........he talks business, dates and times, and then he says he must go.

I want him to get off the phone and me with me and yet I want him to stay there and leave me.. I can cope with the pain of the pegs pressed into my nipples by the hard floor, I can cope with it, if I think about it, feel it, wrap myself around it, the pegs on my cunts, squeezing the flesh of my cunt lips.

He gets off he phone and has me kneel again..............I am filled with the vibrator, it is on, the pegs on my cunt pushing and pulling on the delicate flesh .............and then it is time.

He checks the phone is working, that I can hear him there and on the laptop, and he tells me to take some deep breaths..........he counts them, and then tells me to put the bag on, and pull the rope.

It is not tight...it is tight enough so the bag moves when I breath, and i feel the air supply reducing, I feel the temperature rising in the bag, but I know I am allowed to take the bag off if I need to...................but I don't.

Hold my breath

Hold it

Hold

............ and then I am to cum
 I am to make myself cum in the bag.........I know I can take it off if I need to
but I don't
I cum ...........................with the bag on........my cunt dripping down my leg.
He watches my face
talks to me
I take the bag off
And I cum again

I curl up on the floor and pull my special blanket down ontop of me.

I drift for what seems like hours with his voice in my ear, he talks of all things and I fall asleep as he talks of work
On the floor with the removed pegs clasped in my hand, I fall into an undisturbed sleep.
The bag is the thing I like the least...........the control is the thing I need the most.

So much for thinking I had a choice

Last night was one of those nights when I just could not sleep. he tells me to ring him or text him if I wake up and want to talk to him, if I have had a bad dream and need him or for whatever reason. So I rang the first time, text the second time, IMed the third time and we chatted for a bit. The fourth fifth and sixth time I didn't bother.....just one of those nights.

This morning he was chatting to me about, of all things, hot air balloons. I am not quite sure why or how we got onto this topic, but we did. And his mind turned to rope!

He talked for a bit about how he is getting things back to how they were before, before I went home to see him, before things all collapsed in a messy heaps of tears, wet tissues and confusion.
He told me, well asked me, if I had noticed that slowly he was taking back control, that the rules were being reinforced, that his expectations were increasing, that his acceptance of any forgetfulness or avoidance was waning fast?

Had I noticed ...of course I had noticed.

A couple of times in the last week, I have noticed a different tone in his voice, a different look in his eye.
So this morning when he asked me, when he made me choose, which I hate to do....

"Do you want to be used this morning or this evening?"

I answered quickly...."This morning". Not because I particularly wanted to, but then it was over, done with and I wouldn't have to think about it all day, about what would be coming.

"Hang on " he said "If I use you this morning it wont last as long, but it will hurt more. If I use you this evening it will last longer, but will be more fun".

A difficult choice........but I still said "This morning please Sir".

So he had me get out all the toys and lay them out, to pick up each one and describe it in detail to him and to give an example of how he has used it on me before.

I then had to put the vibrator inside my cunt and turn it on full, and kneel in front of him.

There was a bout five minutes silence and then he said
 "Actually....... I think I will use you tonight.......but you can cum anyway now for me".

And so I came  there, on the floor, surrounded by all the toys. the toys of pain, pleasure and mass humiliation.

He sent me on the ways for the day, telling me he had a paper to finish for work, and that seeing me there was distracting him, and that I would see him tonight.

So much for choice...........all day my head has been filled with thoughts of him and his plans...

The ouchy pegs when Im half asleep

Having had a good time last night and having drunk, which I don't often do I really hoped I would sleep well.........................and when I woke up I knew that he had plans for me; he had told me he had plans....and soIi tried to stay asleep this morning, tried to slay asleep so long that he would get bored and not want to use me, not want to exert his control, I hoped he would leave me all tucked up nice and asleep.

Did he? Did he hell!

The moment I stirred he was on my case. I had barely got my eyes open when he had me on my knees.

He asked me when I had woken up previously if I really thought that he wouldn't know, that he wouldn't see.

Damn he is good.

The next bit of the conversation went something like this:

"What are you?"

"Sleepy Sir"

"No slave, WHAT are you?"

"Tired Sir?"

"I can see this is going to take sometime"

At which point I thought I better begin to behave.

"I am your slave Sir"

"Yes you are, and just to remind you that I am in charge. I am in control of you; of your body, mind and heart. It is me who decides when you have pleasure, pain, I control how you feel and how you behave"

And with that I was sent to get the "toys".

He had me put four pegs on eat breast, ouchy ones, the ones  that bite into me, and then a different one for each nipple, that squashes it into my nipple bars and always makes me gasp as I let go, the pain flooding through me. He changed his mind, and told me to remove them and put one each of the ouchy ones on the nipples. I must have looked at him in horror because he asked, "Do you have a choice?"

And this time as I put the torturous pegs on that clamped onto my nipple like the jaws of a turtle, the tears started to flow down my cheeks as I struggled to get my head round the pain. I could hear the echo of my tears from his laptop thousands of miles away.
He waited, watched as I struggled to regain my composure.


"Ready slave?"

I nodded, not wanting to move, to talk.

More pegs went on my cunt, and one on my clit.
And I knelt there waiting.

The next instruction was to get the hood, and some needles, well not some, just two. It is a while since he used needles and I wondered where they were going.

First he instructed me to put the vibrator deep inside my cunt, on full, and then to close my legs. Once more the pegs dug into my cunt, upping the pain a notch, making me begin to wish I could be somewhere else, even if it was just in my head. Every time I felt myself begin to float away, loosing touch with what was going on, my senses on overload...every time.....he would say something, ask a question, tell me to move, to keep me with him.

The TENS unit came out next and he had me attach the pad to the underside of each breast and turn it on. It started on the lowest level and over the next fifteen minute he upped it to the fifth level.
By now all I could do was follow his instructions, to listen to his voice, and keep my eyes on his..........until ..........he had me get the needles ready and then pull down the hood.

And then all I had was his voice......

He then told me I was allowed to cum, but ....when I came I was to stick the needles into my breast , just above the nipple.

As I came I pushed then both in, and then I was gone..................somewhere far away, a place filled with moments of complete peace and happiness, contentment and a feeling of "rightness".

I heard his voice ,talking me, and it was a struggle to answer him, to bring myself back to him.

I heard him tell me to remove everything,to lie on the bed, to cover myself.

I lay there, feeling loved and cared for, controlled, safe and happy.

When I woke up about twenty minutes later, he was there watching me, waiting for me to talk to him.

After asking how I was feeling, making sure everything was safely away and tidy, he said.....

"Welcome back slave, I have missed you, it's good to have you back".

And that is how I feel, I feel "back".

No place to hide

Yesterday he decided that I should go to the gym early in the morning and then when I had finished I was to go home and spend two hours in my room, I didn't have to do anything specific, just remain there. Then he arranged for me to be online at 6pm to talk to him, saying that he would be using me then.

I tried to stay in the gym as long as possible, but when I returned home , I did not want to go to my room for one minute, let alone 120..........but I did. It was not too bad, I did some paperwork, sorted out a few things, sorted my clothes a bit and before I knew it the time was up. I am not sure if I was meant to be thinking slavey things......but I didn't.

I escaped outside for a bit to get some sun and fresh (89% humidity, 34C...not so fresh)  air and clear my head and then went back inside to wait for 6pm.

I was online just in time and he was waiting for me, we talked for a little while before he sent me back to my room.

He talked at me; telling me about his decisions, about why he had made them and that ....moan, sulk, fight back, whatever, there was no changing the facts ...........that I am his slave and will remain so until or when he decides otherwise, and as he has no plans to release me, leave me, sell me or anything else, I am there for good.

Now I know I should be reassured by this, but I still can't get him to see  things from my point of view.

He told me to strip and put my rope on, once again round my neck tight enough to feel it, but not tight enough to stop me breathing, and then he sent me to the wall to think about how I could be a better slave.

I rolled my eyes.

I wasnt aware of it, but he saw it, and I was firmly told that if I did it again, or pulled a face he would punish me. I stood facing the wall for twenty seven minutes.

I don't like the wall, its boring.......my head is full of thoughts....I made lists, I recalled lyrics from songs, I re-ran conversations in my head, I went through plans for work, thought about an agenda for an upcoming meeting, I tried everything I could not to think about being a slave...............but when I finally ran out of things to keep my mind from going to where it should be, I started to think about it and I started to cry.

I am not sure why I was crying, But I cried and cried and cried...maybe it was a  realisation of what a bitch I have been, what an bad excuse for a slave, maybe it was frustration, maybe it was boredom, maybe it was just sadness..........but Oh boy did I cry.

He called me back to him and had me kneel on the hard floor with then end of the rope under my knees. He had me get the plug and insert it and then four pegs, once on each nipple and one one for each cunt lip. And he talked to me as "the slave" and "it".

He had me put the hood on, the bag that has a draw string, that I have to pull closed and then he told me he would buzz me to cum and then buzz me to take off the hood.

I waited on my knees for the buzz, cut off from the world, cut off from him, the pegs squeezing and pinching, knowing that when I made myself cum, the pegs on my cunt would be pulled and flicked, and would tighten as my lips swelled, as too would the ones on my nipples.

I didn't want to cum, I just didn't want to. When the buzzer went I started to cry again, and tried to delay the cumming, but knew that I couldn't. I knew I had to do what he said..........and so I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't be able to cum, that the "off " button had been switched.......but of course it had not.........and so I came, on the floor, kneeling with the hood on, before my owner......doing as he had told me.

I waited for a long time for the next buzzer and when I took off the hood, I couldn't look up, I couldn't look at him, I was feeling shamed................I think by my behaviour, but also by the fact that my body had done what it is trained to do, to cum when I am told, even when I don't want to, don't feel like I can...........I still do.

 He asked me what was wrong, and I didn't have the words to explain so I sat quietly and tried to just "be"..........and he left me in peace, not talking, just watching. And in my mind I wandered off to  a beautiful beach in Australia that I have walked along, miles of emptiness, soft sand sunshine and clear clear water..............and breathtaking beauty in its simplicity and I felt calmer, happier.

He told me to take three of the pegs off, to tidy up the toys, and to leave my room for one hour and then come back. I chose to keep one on my cunt, as it seemed to hurt the least. So I left the room with the peg and the butt plug and watched the clock for an hour, having a normal conversation , and making coffee, knowing what was in and on me, reminding me of what I am.

When I returned to the computer, he wasn't there......................and by now the peg was very sore, I knelt waiting for him, but couldn't get comfortable, couldn't get my head round the pain, and I longed for him to return. For the first time in a long time, I longed for him. I am ashamed to say, I think mostly it was because I wanted him to remove the peg........

When he came back he told me he had fallen asleep and I began to panic a bit about what I would have done if he had not come back........would I have kept the peg on for hours, would I have taken it off, what would I do?

He asked me what was wrong and I told him the peg hurt and he said that I could remove it................that is the moment we dread, knowing that one type of pain will be replaced by another type, and although I wanted to get it off as fast as possible, I didn't want to take it off at all.....So I took a deep breath and released it, and the pain flowed like a searing flame inside me ......and I cried again.............

He then had me move the cam onto my cunt and hold it open for his inspection and he commented on how wet it was, how swollen and then he  told me to play with my cunt..........and as I got close to cumming he had me stop............he did this four times, till I was fighting hard to control myself and then he let me cum,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and as I came I had to hold my cunt open for him to see, to watch.

He told me there was no place to hide, no place to go..............and that he knew that I was not thinking like I should.................this was just a reminder of who controls my body...............and that he is going to start all over again if needs be; from the very beginning and he will control my mind again too, and then things will be in place again, order will be restored and I will be happy.

He asked me how I felt and I told him "used", he told me I had not been used, I had given him pleasure.

I felt exposed..........I felt used and I cried .................................and as I cried he talked to me, in a low soft gentle voice............................. and I slept.

Nipple pain and the ouchy thing.

Last night we had some time together, uninterpreted, all work was put aside, everything was put aside and it was just the two of us.
I have been apprehensive, waiting for the reassertion of his dominance as he had be telling me will happen. Half of me has longed for it; to feel that control, to feel my submission, to feel once again, even for just a time the loss of control of being able to give it back to him. I have longed for that feeling of peace deep within me when I know that I have no will, that his will is mine, that I am his.

We talked for a long time, about nothing in particular, we didn't talk about how I have been feeling, we didn't talk about his health, and if i am honest I don't know what we talked about in any detail. I know he was kind and loving, I know we laughed and teased each other, but the details allude me.

The almost in the middle of a sentence he told he to fetch the vibrator and the Tens unit. I was by now wearing the rope that I sleep in.

This rope goes around my feet, tying them together, and then up my back, once round my neck and around my wrist. This is how I sleep at night, or how I have been sleeping until I went to visit him. Since I came back , he has not used this rope, I am not sure why, I have not asked him, and I didn't want it on. Maybe he knew that I was not happy to wear it and so decide not to force the issue, but last night I was wearing it.

He began by having me put one of the pad onto my nipple, stuck over the bar and the other on the very edge, but not touching my cunt, and he turned it onto the first setting.
I put the vibrator in my mouth, with my eyes shut and sucked it to get it wet. and then i had to run it over the outside of my cunt; keeping it away from my clit and I was not allowed to let it go in. The unit was on, and it was just there, I could feel it in the background, but it wasn't overwhelming, it wasn't painful...just there.
He watched me and told me that I was not allowed to cum, I cam very close a few times, but he was very quick to notice and tell me "NO, no cumming". He allowed me to put the vibrator in , forcing it deep inside my cunt.

"Fuck your cunt with that slave, and ........................cum".

And cum I did, a great big one earth shaking one, gasping for breath, shaking all over, and as it subsided and and began to come back to earth, he told me to turn it up from 1 to 4.
OH fuck, it hurt, it really did, and I whimpered and tried to escape it,  I tried to get my head around it and he made me begin to use the vibrator again, this time on my clit.

The pain in my nipple made me gasp began to send my head away to some other place, I tried to get there, to stay there where I wouldn't have to deal with it, but every time I began to fall over the edge into that dark place of subspace, he called me, dragged me back to him.

I wanted to let it wash over me, to fill me, I wanted to be wrapped in the nothingness and the everythingness of it, I wanted to float off............but he didn't let me.

And he kept me like that, on the edge of orgasm and the edge of subspace for what seemed like a life time till I was begging him to be allowed to cum, pleading with him, begging him to stop the pain in my nipple, crying..........but he talked to me, talked about control, about how he owns me, how he owns my:

life

body

soul

heart

He talked about what I was, what he can do to me, how I am his and I became quiet......I said nothing, I lay there, the rope tight around my neck and with every movement of my hands making it pull, for just a second, tighter, the pain in my nipple seemed constant now and the vibrator filling me with an overwhelming need to cum.

"If you cum, there is a price....................turn it to full...................and cum".

I remember the pain filling me, coursing through my body from my nipple to the top of my head to the tip of my toes and as I came the pain seemed to fill my cunt,  as I came over and over again, calling him, calling his name, sobbing.

I heard him tell me to turn off the pain thing, and finally he let me float off to that place where it is everything and nothing.............where I feel everything and I feel nothing at all, where my head is empty of thoughts and full of feelings, and where I wanted to stay.

I heard him tell me to wrap myself up, and I know I did, because when I woke up, I was covered up and I heard him say "You are back".
And he talked again of control and of what I am, and he sent me to get something to eat and then to sleep.

And I slept all night, uninterrupted; there were no dreams, not waking, nothing .......just sleep.........and I woke up and he was there; waiting for me.

Talking to his old slave............

Update from the hospital, he has to go back in for some more tests,  and is waiting for a call as to when to go, he told me he is the top of the list...which made my heart sink somewhat...but at least he IS top of the list......so fingers crossed that everything is ok.

Last night I talked to his old slave, she was his slave for a long time and before I was his, I talked to her a lot, I was given a lot of time to talk to her, and she was very good to me. She is a very generous woman; kind and gentle. Her life was very difficult; family things that she needed to sort out, that she felt couldn't be sorted out while she was a slave, so to cut a very long and complicated story short, he released her.
He still looks after her, and sees her from time to time, he has helped her with the family stuff and I know she will always love him. When I first met her, she knew I was her replacement, and yet she opened her heart to me, and looked after me, made sure that I was happy to be with him. She never told me how to behave, but she did tell me what to expect. She has spent some time with him this last week and she says that all he talks about with me, I told him was being insensitive and funnily enough he took it!

She, for the first time, tried to give me some advice last night. I didn't really want to talk about what had happened, because it is difficult to explain how things came about, what I said to him. and although I have tried to do it here, I know that this blog is somewhat "iceberg like" and only scrapes the surface at time, because I am worried that if I write it ALL down and then reread it I will have to face up to things and address them.

 Anyway........back to the advice............. I was allowed to talk to her last night and half way through the conversation, where I was skirting around things...this came

A: : take a bit of advice from a old slave?
slave: : ok
A: you're a slave
A: that i bet still thinks for her self
A): try not to think you're a slave
A: just be a slave
A: it sounds silly
A : but
A: you will see in time that you try to hard
A: its not a job
A: its life
A: we both looked for this

Well this bit of advice kept me awake most of the night. I have a lot of time for A, she is a good friend to me and when we are allowed to talk, it is lovely to be able to spend time with her, but her comment really got me thinking, I mulled it over and over in my head. I tried looking at it face on, I tried looking at it sideways, I even tried sneaking up from behind and looking at it...................and the more I thought about it, the more confused I became but also the more clear it was...sounds confusing?

I was, hence the sleepless night.

The problem is, well one of them is 90% of the time thinking for myself is what I have to do, while I am away, so there is the  one of the many dilemmas.........

So what I was wondering is...what do you think of the advice? (not the fact she gave it,) what do you understand by what she said?  Do you think it is possible? and if so ...how?
 I would be really grateful to get some feedback on this from you all. You have been kind and thoughtful since i began this blog and in the last few weeks I have been overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion...so any comments very gratefully received...and you can be anonymous and reply too!

Taking back all the control

Now I stand behind the wall..........it is a wall of my own making, of my own choosing...it is a wall that many of us are familiar with...it is the wall of self preservation.

I have peeped out a few times and found him waiting there, waiting for me. He knows he could knock the wall down or step behind it and drag me towards him, but he is a patient man and he is waiting for me to come to him.
This was what he said this morning when we were talking. The conversation had taken a strange turn and we were talking about an abstract person (me)


slave: she is scared to come out from behind the wall
owner: I know she is but I will always look after her guide her keep her safe and hold her heart close to mine, but it doesn't matter if she not ready yet I will still be here

Part of my pig headed brain wants to stay where I am, I have not changed in what I feel about how difficult I think it is going to be, so far away from him, it has never been easy, but now I feel it is more difficult. At the moment I seem to spend most of the time I am talking to him either on the edge of tears or crying itself, which is not easy for him.

The last three weeks have been difficult for both of us; and then one day last week he called me to say he was in hospital again. The problems with his head have reappeared and he has had lots of test, x rays, scans, etc etc and they have decided  that he had another bleed in his brain, the doctors say he has had a very small stroke; hence the forgetfulness, the struggling for words and the short temper ( although I have not seen any of that symptom). I tried to tell him he needed to go to the hospital, I tried to tell him, in my more than very considered opinion that that was what he needed to do, but he wouldn't have it. He said he was fine.

For a while it send the wall flying, mostly because I was trying to run towards him as fast as I could, but I can get no closer than the computer, I cannot go home to see him, it is not possible , and so I am stuck here, wishing I was there, worrying about him, thinking that how I have behaved cannot have helped, knowing that it is not my fault, but all the same......

He is ok, He is out of the hospital and back home, he has to go back again this week for more tests, he has a shed load of meds to take, he has been told not to work so hard and to reduce his stress!

And so for now I am trying hard to be open to him, to bare my heart and soul to him again and know that it is safe, I do not know if there is a future for us together; he has decided there is, and so as he is in charge I have to go along with it, but he knows how I feel and he knows how scared I am.

 He has decide to go back to the beginning. He has reiterated all his rules, he is expecting me to come straight home from work, unless I have specifically asked to do something else, I have to phone and text at regular intervals during the day, I am tied to the bed at night, and naked at all other times when it is possible, I must ask for everything when I am talking to him, once more I am back on the floor when he is busy, ...and so on.........he is taking back all the control.

And for now I submit, not with joy in my heart, but I do submit.

Playing with his toy by hitting my nipples with his knife.

When I woke he was gone; my heart sank. The room was empty. I got up and went into the bathroom, and there stuck on the mirror was a note telling me he was meeting a client and would be back in two hours and he had signed it with a kiss and the time. I looked a the clock and relasied I had 40 minutes left.

 So I filled the bath with hot, hot water and bubbles, lots of bubbles and lowered myself carefully into it, savouring the heat, enjoying the feeling of the hot water on my sore nipples.

I say silently in the water, thinking about all of the things that has happened in the last few days, and that I would be leaving soon, back to my other life and I was filled with such overwhelming sense of sadness and loss, of how unfair life can be and self pity...lots and lots of it, washing over me with the bath water as I sank beneath it.

I knew he would be back soon, so I dried myself, put my rope on and waited near the door on my knees....and exactly two hours from the time on the note I heard his key in the door.
He came in, passed me his briefcase and collapsed into the chair. I put his case on the floor, and waited.

He called me over, so I crawled across the floor to him and knelt in front of him....................I took his shoes and socks off and began to massage his feet. He sat there watching me, and then reaching down he slowly wound his fingers in my hair my hair and pulled me  towards him. When my face was level with his crotch he got out his very hard cock and told me to make him cum.

So I knelt on the floor, between his legs, taking him in my mouth, licking and sucking, running my tongue round the head of his cock, feeling it jump under my touch, feeling it swell, teasing him, taking him deep in my mouth, licking his balls, and when he was ready to cum, I was so excited at being allowed to have him cum in my mouth, but at the last moment, he pulled my head back and came all over my face.

I felt his cum dripping down my face, onto my lips, desperate to lick it but I stayed still as he covered me in cum.

He got up and walked away, leaving me kneeling , my mouth feeling empty without him.

He called me over to him and began to bind my tits, he slipped the rope over my head and under my breast , pulling it tight, biting into my flesh. he wound it round and round, and over my shoulders, and began to tie each breast , tighter and tighter till they were swollen and beginning to turn red.....................

"Now for some fun my little slave, now for some fun"

And his hand went to my neck. he began by stroking it gently, very gently, and then slowly, almost imperceptibly he increased the pressure, keeping his eyes on mine, locked together, tighter and tighter until things began to swim, till the tingling in my hands came, till things began to turn black around the edges.........................................and he released me.

He picked up the vibrator and ran it over my sore and swollen nipples and then shoved it deep inside me and once more his hand went to my throat, I began to feel the need to cum, a big need to cum.

"No slave , not yet"

And his hand squeezed tighter and tighter  and once more I began to feel things slipping away from me.
I didn't fight it..........I stayed there under his hand, feeling helpless.

He released me again and took out the vibrator. picked up the crop and began to gently tap my nipples with it..the pain was deep and heavy, then he began on my cunt, the end of the crop catching my cunt lips, the inside of thighs and he squeezed.

He laid me on the bed, opened my legs wide and began to slap my cunt hard, alternating it with the crop, I was so desperate to cum I was on the edge of tears, begging him  to let me, pleading, but his hand reached once more for my throat and this time he squeezed hard, closing the air off, while his other hand was ramming into my cunt, deeper and deeper,, fucking me.

And as I came he still held my throat, and I fought against his hand in my cunt and I fought against his hand on my throat as I bucked and writhed and when I thought my lungs would burst  when I felt I was about to pass out he let go of me.

He gave me a minute to get my breath, he stood me up, put the hood on me again, tied the rope around my neck and pulled it tight. He took the end of the rope and looped it over the door of the bathroom and tied it to the handle inside, with a  slam, he pulled the door shut and told me what he had done.
I was on  the balls of my feet, he once more put the string from my nipple bars back in my mouth and told me he was going to play with his favourite toy.

I asked him, through gritted teeth what it was and he replied "You slave, you"
.
I remember the feel of it, the vibe in my mouth, on myn ipples , on my cunt, being pumped in and out of my cunt.
I remember the feel of his hands on me, piching, squeezing, poking, stroking.
I remember the feel of his mouth on me, licking me, biting, sucking.
I remeber the crop tracing down my body and waiting for its strike which never came.
I remember hearing him open the draw where the knife was , and trying to move away from it, and he telling me if I moved, if I  bent my knees the rope would cut off my airway.
I remember having to to stay still

The knife ran down my body, over my very swollen tits, feeling like it would split them open. he hit my nipples with it. He ran it up the inside of my thighs and around my cunt, and reminded me not to move.
He took the knife and pushed it into my mouth so I was holding it with my teeth around it..............................and then he made me cum.................very very slowly puling my cunt lips , stroking me, finding my G spot and playing me until I felt I would explode into a thousand pieces ....................and I came all over his hand.
He lifted me up, opened the door, relased the rope and lay me  face down on the bed.

With my arse in the air, he spanked me until it was glowing and he fucked me, like he had not fucked me for moths.........hard and deep, demanding, holding my hips and pulling himself deeper in, grabbing the rope and pulling on my tits......and when he was done, he  filled up his toy with his cum.

I heard him get  out his camera and I heard him take photos of me, he held open my cunt and took photos of his hand inside me, he took photos of my tits, of the ropes. he removed the hood and took photos of my face, covered in a mixture of sweat and dried cum.

He undid the ropes and kissed where the marks were, he stroked my body, kissed me all over, and then taking me by the hand he said
 "I have always looked after my toys and put them away when I have finished with them."...and I began to worry that I was going into the cupboard again, but he smiled and patted me on the bottom and told me to shower, we were going out to meet a friend.

"Control slave, that's what it's all about"

After sleeping soundly next to him all night, I woke feeling happy and warm, even though I could see the cold light outside the window.
The morning was free for me and so he decided to make the most of it, to make the most of me and or time together.
I was allowed up to make him a cup of tea and to pee and then I had to return to the bed with the ropes, the vibrator and the clothes pegs, all of them, and  a pair of knickers.

I collected all the things as directed and stood at the end of the bed, waiting for permission to get back in, but he lay there, cup of tea in one hand, the end of my night time rope in the other and hummed a little tune to himself.

He drank his tea, indicted I should make him some more and that I was allowed one now he had been served, and so I stood and drank my tea while he watched the news.

"Control slave, that's what this is all about, about how I control you, your life, your body, your mind, your life itself"

And he is right, he does...its not micro management, it never has been and it can't be now, now I am away...but that's what it is,, its control.

He stood up and pointed to the floor. I knelt, as usual, at his feet and he bent down, and pulled the noose so it was tight, but not so tight it hurt and then pushed my head to the floor. He put his foot on the rope close to my face and I was pinned down, unable to move, just as simple as that, within seconds.........."Body, my slave, body"

He then got another rope and tied my ankles together, looping it round both feet, and securing it, he laid it over my back and left it there. I waited for more, but for a while nothing happened and then he lifted his foot and told me to sit up. I knelt up, and he removed my night rope and wrapped the new rope around my neck, so it fell between my tits and collected in a coil on the floor in front of me."Stand up slowly slave or you will choke yourself"

 I stood slowly, and could feel the rope sliding around my neck, he told me to bend my knees a little and then he pulled the rope tight around my neck and warned me not to move. He sat on the bed in front of me and positioned the rope in my cunt right on my clit and pulled it roughly upwards and back round my neck again and then tied it off by my ankles
.
So I am standing there; knees bent, the rope tight around my neck, it pulling onto my clit and he mouths to me "Control".
His hands reach for the pegs and he begins to attach them, first to my ear, one on each lobe, one on each nipple, which he spring shut on and it makes me yelp, so the next to go on my lips to keep then closed to keep me quiet. He then put two on each cunt lip and five more on each tits. and he get out his camera, and he takes photos of my nipples squashed flat between the pegs,  he takes a picture of my cunt with the rope forced deep into it, the pegs pulling my lips down, he takes a photo of my lips closed shut by the pegs.
I stand there and he says  "Pain or pleasure slave what would you like?"

It was just as well I had the pegs on my lips, or I would have been in trouble, did he not know how painful those horrid pegs he insists on using are? Did he not realise ?

Silly question of course he did, he laughed at me and said, Tthink before you speak slave, pleasure always has a price"

He removed the pegs from my lips, kissed me and watched as I turned over in my mind the options he had given me. He knows how hard I find it when he gives me a choice..."Control slave...... of your mind."

And so I asked for pleasure, I don't like pain, I like that he likes pain, I like the fact I have no choice when he hurts me , I like that I have to submit to his wishes , that I am not allowed to say no, but generally I don't like the pain per se.

So standing there slightly bent, in pain, waiting for my pleasure I knew who had all the control. My hands were untied, but there was no way I would ever move them until he told me to...and then he did.
"Make yourself come for me slave, play with your cunt, "

This was easier said than done, the pain from the pegs, the rope digging deeper into my clit every time I moved, the pegs on my nipples biting deep, just as I felt I was beginning to get somewhere, that I was going to cum he stopped me.

He took off all the pegs and told me to start again. the pain as the blood flowed back into my squished flesh sent me over the edge and I started to cum, but as I came, I moved and the rope tightened around my neck, tightened in my cunt, pulling tighter and tighter, biting into me, stopping my breath.

He stood in front of me and commanded me to cum, to let go, cum for his pleasure, not mine, and as I felt the rope bite in futher to my neck, he reached forward and lifted me onto the bed, letting the airflow back into me, letting me breathe.
  I exploded, every time I straightened my body the air stopped and he bent my legs behind me to allow me to breath, and he lent down close to my ear and said to me.................
"Control slave, your mind tells you one thing, your body tells you another, but you do as I say, that is my control"
 And he untied the rope and freed my ankles, gently pulled it from my cunt, open my cunt with his fingers and made me cum again

Owned from the top of my head to the tip of my toes

Work was finally finished and after going out for a drink, where I was instructed that I was to sit quietly, not speaking unless I was spoken to, where I was not to raise my eyes other than when I was replying to him, and then I was only to look at him.

Where he made me describe in fine details how I had felt in the cupboard, to describe how it felt with my hand tied in my cunt, and what I had learnt.
By the time I had finished, my drink was barely touched, my face was bright red and my cunt was wet again.

He told me that when we returned to the room I was to strip and wait for him in the bathroom. I went up the stairs, opened the door, turned the heat up and quickly removed my clothes and put them away as my untidiness drives him mad;he notices even the slightest thing out of place.
I went into the bathroom, and sat on the edge of the bath. It felt cold on my arse, soothing almost where it was sore from his previous efforts. I stood and waited, I wandered round a bit, making things straight, folding and hanging towels again...and I waited.

I heard him open the door and enter the room, but the bathroom door stayed firmly closed. I heard the wardrobe door open and my heat sank a little, but it quickly closed again, followed soon after by his appearance in the doorway.

I was standing up, my hands by my side, unsure of what I was to do.
He lifted the bag he had retrieved from his case in the wardrobe and opened it. There was a large pair of scissors, a razor some shaving foam and a new bar of soap.

He has told me before at some point he will shave my head, that he will show me just how he controls every aspect of my life, including how I look to the outside world. I looked at his face, looked back at the items he was laying on the vanity...."You look like a startled rabbit my slave,You have always known this is a possibility".

This is something I have often thought of , and a part of me has wanted it, but the reality of it is something that has frightened me, worried me about how I explain it to others and I have voiced this to my owner and his response has always been "You only have to worry about what I think slave" and whilst I know this to be true, it is not an easy thing to accept.

"The thing you sometimes forget my slave, especially since you have been away is that I am still the person who controls you, your life. I own you, from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, and whatever it is I want to do, I can and will do"

And with those words he reached behind me and picked up my pony tail and pulled it upwards, slowly, very slowly, lifting it higher and higher, until my chin was on my chest and I was on the very tips of my toes...."You see from head to toe, slave, head to toe"

And he let go.

I stood very still, hoping that if I stood still I would disappear, that he wouldn't be able to see me, that he would become distracted and forget his intention.I felt  his hand on my shoulder and he pushed me to my knees.
"Bend over slave," and with that he removed the butt plug that had been in there for what seemed like a lifetime.
Once more he grabbed the pony tail and with his foot on the back of my neck he pulled and twisted it, till tears fell onto the floor and I felt he would pull the scalp from my head.  Removing his foot, he pulled me to my feet and stood me up again and picked up the scissors with the other hand.

"Take my cock in your mouth slave"
 And with hands that were shaking so much I don't know how I managed to release his hard cock from his underwear and I placed my lips round it; leaving it in my mouth not sucking, not moving, and he pushed it in further, to the point just before it makes me gag.

 This was the moment .....this was when it was going to start...this was a moment of such intense control, such a moment of submission  that although I was not happy that i was going to loose my hair I began to float away...................he pushed his cock further in, making me gag, bringing me back................

"So my little naked kneeling slave, with her mouth full of her owners cock...what should we do..?

Well to that there really was no answer.

I expected to hear the snip of the scissors, to feel the release of his hand on my head, to see my hair fall to the floor.
Instead he pulled my mouth from his cock, pulled my hair from the pony tail, twisted his hand deep into my hair and twisted .

He turned me round and pushed me towards the bath........................
He lent me over the bath, so my head was almost at the bottom of the bath, pulled my legs open and rammed, as hard as he could, his cock into my cunt. This was the cunt that had had my hand in it for hours, the cunt that had been smacked, and hit with the crop, the cunt that had  longed for him, for his cock, and he rammed it in,  hard, over and over again, driving my hips into the edge of the bath, reaching forward and twisting my tits against the side of the bath, leaning on to them, to keep me still.
 He pulled his cock back and as I expected it to ram again inside my dripping cunt, instead he pushed it slowly and relentlessly into my arse.

With three or four more thrust I felt him shoot his load inside me and remove his cock.

My cunt was desperate for more, wanted him, wanted to be filled with him, but not this time.
He reached over and pulled me gently up, sitting me on the side of the bath, kissing my reddened tits, slipping his hand towards my cunt and once more playing with, pinching my clit....

"You see slave, every inch, from head to toe and all the inches in between.....are mine."

And with that he turned on the shower, made it warm, picked me up , put me into the bath and then began to wash my hair; gently massaging my sore scalp, he washed my body, gently caressing me, lovingly touching me.
I sat on the edge of the bath with my legs wide open while he shave my cunt, finding those few stray  hairs I had missed, rinsing the soap from me, by gently squeezing a towel over my sore and used cunt, then wrapping me in a towel,  he brushed my hair, laid me on the bed and told me to sleep.

I have never felt so owned.

A different sort of mind fuck ...lesson three

Last night we managed to talk for a couple of hours without any interruption, we just chatted, like we do when we are together, nothing specific, nothing exciting or even slightly D/s...nothing at all that if you had overheard the conversation would have led you to believe we were anything more than an boring old couple, other than the fact that I was sitting naked with my rope round my neck and I addressed him as Sir, but other than that nothing.

So this morning when I woke up I expected our talk to carry along more or less in the same vein.

Oh silly silly slave.

I woke early and he sent me back to sleep...........I thought he wasn't being considerate. He woke me by text then told me to go back to sleep, he did this three times and on the fourth time I was expecting the same, but instead of "Go back to sleep slave" it was"Get up slave, go and turn the shower on, get it nice and cold".

Now he knows how much I hate the cold, he knows, he really does, and uses it sometimes as a punishment, or gives me a choice of a cold shower and something he knows I hate more and enjoys when I choose the shower. I sometimes try to choose the other option , and he enjoys watching the struggle on my face as I pot for the shower anyway.

 But there I stood in the shower, the cold water running all over me, my nipples tight like little buttons, my muscles beginning to tighten, to shiver, when he told me to turn it off. I was waiting for the usual command of "Dry yourself slave" , but as I stood there, shivering , he made me turn it on again and stand under it again. By the third time I was crying, big sobby tears of cold, frustration and anger. Yes I admit it, I was angry at him for being mean.

After the third long cold shower  I stood before him, water dripping from my hair, down my tits, my nipples sore from the cold, my legs shaking, and I stood and waited....and waited until I was dry, just one small trickle of water dripping from my hair, down my back and between my bum cheeks.

"Slave.................lie on the floor............face down"
So I lay face down, face into the floor, my eyes closed, waiting for my owner's next instruction......
I lay as I have been taught, as instructed, face down, hands behind my back, my legs crossed and then in a very quiet voice I heard the word......

"slave"
Once I am in that position; my place, I am not permitted to talk unless given specific instruction, and so I waited for more from him.......

I strained to hear him.......................'slave ..... move your hand to your cunt and if you are wet you may show me your hand".

Oh and yes I was wet, my fingers were soaking when I touched my cunt.

He told me to return my hand to my cunt and not to move it, not to move a muscle...and very quietly he told me how he is going to welcome me home.
How he is going to hold me and stroke my hair, how he longs to kiss me, to look at my face, into my eyes, he he wants to put me over his lap and spank me till I beg him to stop, how he has already chosen the belt he will use on my arse, how his favourite crop is in his car ready,how he will place his hand over my mouth and pinch my nose and watch me wait until he give me my breath back, how he will slip his hand round my neck and squeeze when he allows me to cum, how he will pull me to him by my nipple bars and torture my nipples while he fills my throat with his cock,  how he will use the crop while I suck him till he shoots down my throat.................

And without warning, I came.......................big shuddering, deep inside me, whole body orgasm.....that left me shaken and crying.

"Oh slave...........and you didn't even move against your hand"
 And I hadn't,, I really hadn't, it was a complete mind fuck...........................

But following the theme of the day............I then had to crawl to get the toy he gave me to go away with and cum again, and then again., till I lay in a sweaty heap on the floor, legs open, cunt pulled wide so he could see, could inspect me

"You see slave...its all about control...it's all in the mind.

I wanted to say "no Sir , its all in my cunt" but I smiled and said "yes Sir"...because as usual he is right.
Lesson in threes.