For the last week or so, I have been hiding from him, not wanting to speak, not wanting to talk to him. He has sent a few snarky text and emails, asking if I am okay as he knew I was sick. I replied telling him I was fine, but that i didnt want to speak to him at the moment, I have lots to say, but don't know how to say it yet, when when I am ready i will. So he backed off a bit
He knows I love him, but he knows, deep down in his heart that he is trying to fight a loosing battle. And so he backed off and eventually I text him to say I was ok, and we chatted some, nothing significant, just chat. He asked about my family, I asked about his, usual chat stuff.
He is trying to get me to meet up with him in March, but I don't want to, I cant afford the flight really, I certainly cant afford the time, and i don't think that i can afford the emotional energy. I dont want to meet him, I do need to go home and sort things out, but I dont want some romantic meeting, where he can worm his way back into my heart.
He knows I will not submit to him, I do not want it, I do not feel it. he does not deserve it, he has lost the right to it. He says a "normal" relationship is better than nothing, but it will not happen.
I wish I was stronger, I wish I could just say..
" No that's it, over and done with, go away, leave me alone, go to your baby, go to the woman you thought was more than what i gave you. I gave you ALL of myself and it was still not enough. How can "normal" now be enough."
But I can't, I know how bad I feel and i know saying it like that will hurt him too, will make him feel as bad as I do, and i don't want to , but in saying that, a long drawn out goodbye is just as painful. I wish there was something I could do to make this all stop to all finish.
I wish that I could undo the last year, I wish for so many things and at the same time I wish for nothing.
And just to complicate things further. I had an email from an old "friend". He is one person I had talked to online for a while, we had chatted and flirted for a while, we had tested each other out, played a little, and once I had met him, just once. A rushed coffee on a cold day. I had been so nervous waiting for him to show up, and when he did, I was more nervous and not nervous at all. We fit, we just did. we clicked. I liked him, he liked me. he told me afterwards he wanted to take me from the coffee shop and go somewhere private, but at the time he didn't mention it, he wouldn't, it wasn't appropriate, not the best thing to do, to rush things.
And here he was, out of the blue, sending me an email, just a hello, asking how I was, wondering if I was ok, He had been thinking about me and was just filled with the feeling that things were not wonderful. He doesn't have this blog, he doesn't have my face book, which would not tell you anything anyway. But he just was checking in to make sure i was ok. he told me a bit about what was going on with him, he sent me a naughty story to read and told me to enjoy it. He sent his love and he signed his name.
And I am not a person who goes from one to another, but my stomach leapt!
I replied, saying things were not wonderful, I am ok, but things are not good. I told him a little bit, but no details. I said I would catch up with him another time.
He sent me back a smile and a hug and a "whenever".
And now that is where I am.
What I really want is for someone to hold me, to wrap their arms around me, to tell me I have got it right, that I have made the right decision, I want some one to hold me when I am crying, I want to go home and see my dad before he disappears completely to be replaced by someone else living in his body.
When i wake up from my nightmares I want someone to be there, to root me back in reality.
I didn't want any of this to happen.
I am not really ok at all.