A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Sunday, 13 November 2011

Not good and a blast from the past

For the last week or so, I have been hiding from him, not wanting to speak, not wanting to talk to him. He has sent a few snarky text and emails, asking if I am okay as he knew I was sick. I replied telling him I was fine, but that i didnt want to speak to him at the moment, I have lots to say, but don't know how to say it yet, when when I am ready i will. So he backed off a bit

He knows I love him, but he knows, deep down in his heart that he is trying to fight a loosing battle. And so he backed off and eventually I text him to say I was ok, and we chatted some, nothing significant, just chat. He asked about my family, I asked about his, usual chat stuff.

He is trying to get me to meet up with him in March, but I don't want to, I cant afford the flight really, I certainly cant afford the time, and i don't think that i can afford the emotional energy. I dont want to meet him, I do need to go home and sort things out, but I dont want some romantic meeting, where he can worm his way back into my heart.

 He knows I will not submit to him, I do not want it, I do not feel it. he does not deserve it, he has lost the right to it. He says a "normal" relationship is better than nothing, but it will not happen.

 I wish I was stronger, I wish I could just say..

" No that's it, over and done with, go away, leave me alone, go to your baby, go to the woman you thought was more than what i gave you. I gave you ALL of myself and it was still not enough. How can "normal" now be enough."

 But I can't, I know how bad I feel and i know saying it like that will hurt him too, will make him feel as bad as I do, and i don't want to , but in saying that, a long drawn out goodbye is just as painful. I wish there was something I could do to make this all stop to all finish.
 I wish that I could undo the last year, I wish for so many things and at the same time I wish for nothing.

And just to complicate things further. I had an email from an old "friend". He is one person I had talked to online for a while, we had chatted and flirted for a while, we had tested each other out, played a little, and once I had met him, just once. A rushed coffee on a cold day. I had been so nervous waiting for him to show up, and when he did, I was more nervous and not nervous at all. We fit, we just did. we clicked. I liked him, he liked me. he told me afterwards he wanted to take me from the coffee shop and go somewhere private, but at the time he didn't mention it, he wouldn't, it wasn't appropriate, not the best thing to do, to rush things.

 And here he was, out of the blue, sending me an email, just a hello, asking how I was, wondering if I was ok, He had been thinking about me and was just filled with the feeling that things were not wonderful. He doesn't have this blog, he doesn't have my face book, which would not tell you anything anyway. But he just was checking in to make sure i was ok. he told me a bit about what was going on with him, he sent me a naughty story to read and told me to enjoy it. He sent his love and he signed his name.

And I am not a person who goes from one to another, but my stomach leapt!

Oh bum!

I replied, saying things were not wonderful, I am ok, but things are not good. I told him a little bit, but no details. I said I  would catch up with him another time.

He sent me back a smile and a hug and a "whenever".

And now that is where I am.

 What I really want is for someone to hold me, to wrap their arms around me, to tell me I have got it right, that I have made the right decision, I want some one to hold me when I am crying, I want to go home and see my dad before he disappears completely to be replaced by someone else living in his body.
 When i wake up from my nightmares I want someone to be there, to root me back in reality.

I didn't want any of this to happen.

I am not really ok at all.


  1. Actually, I think you are on the road to OK....not that it is an easy road to travel. Be kind to yourself, go see your dad, you do not want to live with regretting not having seen him. And sometimes......when you shut one door, you have to open a window to get some fresh air...(I know I re-wrote that one). Hugs...You are stong and getting stonger. abby

  2. abby, thank you. Sometimes I think I am doing fine and then a day like today hits.
    I wish I could see my dad, I really do, but he is 4 planes away. Today is a special day for him, it being Remembrance day in Uk, him being ex Army, I just wish I could be with him.
    Thank you for your support and encouragement. I like the thought of an open window, you never know what will blow in

  3. It does sound like you are on the way to being okay. It sounds like you aren't all or nothing, not black or white. It sounds like you are processing what happened to you, and dealing with it all pretty well. That you are kind of angry, but able to see what was good, to see what you want, what's good for you, and to explore some new possibilities. It all sounds very very healthy. Good luck.

  4. I agree.. although you don't feel it or see it today, you are on the way.
    It is so hard when you are in the middle of things, to see where you are.

    You've made huge progress even if you may not feel it.
    You are still hurt and angry but you're also hopeful and much stronger than before.

    I am so sorry about your father; that pain is one of the hardest to bear.
    My heart goes out to you. All the best to you.

  5. you will get there hs even with all the mixed emotions you are feeling, but time will heal. im sorry to hear that you wont get to see your dad being so far away.

    you will always have your good and bad days hun, and how nice of your friend to contact you, wierd him thinking that all was maybe not well with you, freaky that..lol.

    take care, we are all here for you as much as we can be.

    blossom x

  6. Dear HS,

    You know me, i think how you feel is how you feel, and you're exactly where you need to be, right now.

    Nice that your friend showed up. You'll know the right thing to do.

    Sending hugs,


  7. I don't think you can go backwards. You can't go from being a slave to being "normal" with the same person. If you cannot submit to him (and in my place I would not after that kind of betrayal), then It seems really that it is over. What does a long extended good-bye do except add a longer period of pain and uncertainty. If you are able to travel, go see your father

  8. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this struggle.... but know you're not alone. At least not in cyber-space! There are many of us who are in your corner, and willing to lend an ear when you need to chat, or a hand when your spirit needs a boost. The crappy part is getting through the rough part and seeing the beauty of YOU on the other side! You need to see your Dad... take the time for the both of you and make that happen. As far as He goes? He made the decision over 9 months ago.... and now he has realized it was the wrong one. Too bad for Him. Too bad for the both of you... but you have your limits, and this crossed the line. Pull the band-aid off quickly. Yes, it hurts, but the faster it's done, the sooner the healing can begin.

    Hugs to you through space!

  9. sin, thank you for your comment. Its only when someone points stuff out to you that you realise what is obvious, so thank you. I am ok , in the greater scheme of things.

    nancy, thank you too. I think your word "hopeful" is what most made me think about your comment. You know , when i sit back and look at this mess, I am, I am hopeful, and that has to be good. I just hadnt thought i was...so thank you.

    blossom, mixed emotions are all there in front of me, and the whole"freaky thing" is as you put it ....freaky. Thanks for you kind words and support. I rang my dad, and today he knew straight away who I was.....he cannot be far away really when he is in my head and my heart.

    aisha, oh yes , you do. I agree. I have for along time thought that we make decisions that are right for that time and so therefore they MUST be the right decision, as we have made it, if that makes sense. So I guess the same must apply to feeling the feeling we feel.
    That was really clear in my head when I thought it, I hope it makes sense on the screen.
    Thanks aisha.

    anonymous...thank you for your comments and support, and you are right about betrayal and going backwards too.

    Sbs...thank you. Your line.."he made the decision 9 months ago" glared at me from the screen. it was like a lightening strike....please can i use it in my next conversation with him...just before i pull the band aid off?

    Thank you all for your comments. it was lovely to come home from a hard day at work and see that you had all taken the time to leave me a messgae. as you can see from today's post(14.11) I am back to my normal self again...your pep talks are working:)

  10. Yes... you absolutely may use my comment... and pretend it's your own...
    There are so many of us here... standing behind you, from afar, but behind you nonetheless. You are an incredibly strong woman, and deep inside, you know that. This is your opportunity to prove to yourself just how strong you CAN be!!!