So here I am at the end of another weekend after a week that wiped me out and yet I cannot manage to switch off enough to sleep past my alarm time, even though I never actually have an alarm to wake me up, if that makes sense.
The weekend has been good, I have caught up on a few jobs, had a little snooze in the shade, I have been woken by the sound of rain three times and I have had coffee with a friend and caught up on a load of gossip.
And the other thing I have managed to do is avoid talking to to the man. This weekend is the christening of the baby and so he is busy. I dont want to talk to him at all, but there are still things to sort out. My friend has been and collected stuff from the house, but still some paperwork to do, but other than that it is all over bar the shouting...and I am so far past shouting that I cannot even be bothered to talk to him unless I absoluelty have to.
So now all that is left is do slowly leave the room and close the door quietly behind me, leaving nothing but a fading shadow of what could have been, what may have been and what was lost. I am not a person filled with regrets, I do not live my life on "if only..." or "what if...?" I am moving on. In my heart that is a little patch of sorrow that will never go, like a scar, but scars fade, and new skin grows over them and you forget they are there, and eventually when you look at them you try to remember how you got them.
I have some wonderful memories of being loved and cared for, of my submission and ownership, of our time together. I have learnt a lot; about myself, about this life, about how I feel. I have also learnt that you find friends in places you don't expect and that there are some wonderful people out there.
Mostly I have learned that my heart is not broken, just bruised, that I am still alive, a little older, a lot wiser. I have also learned that I have a choice about how I let this effect me and my future. I can let it burn deep into my soul, my self confidence, my belief in myself and my ability to make decisions. I can let it colour the next year of my life and taint my future relationships....or I can get my handbag out, put it on the floor and dance around doing a Gloria Gaynor..........so all together now........
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
and you see me
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you......
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as i know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive