More questions than answers

Today he is busy....today I have to put myself to bed...............tonight I will go to sleep without him being there to say goodnight to me.

Some times this has made me feel so very sad and alone, even knowing that I am not alone, I am his so how can I be alone..............but now?

I am not sure...do I feel alone?

 Do I feel deep within my heart and soul I am his? I am not sure.  and that frightens me more than if I knew for certain one way or the other.

He tells me I am his, he tells me I have no choice but to be his, as he has said that is how it is.
But.........does what is inside me, that doubt, that uncertainty count................and
I want to talk about it, but he will not...............

And so once again I am in waiting mode.

He has talked about when I will be home again, about how busy he is, and how little time we will have and yet he does not see that that is the very heart of the problem....................

This month is apparently Q and A month......but it feels like I have more than enough Q and A of my own that are unanswerable.
But please feel free to ask any questions.......I may be able to answer yours...coz I sure as  hell can't answer my own.................but then maybe I shouldn't even be trying too.

This morning we talked again.
He made me look at him, in the eye. After all this time, does he not know how hard I find it? Of course he does, that's why he did it I guess.
Its so hard to hold his gaze, I desperately wanted to do as he says, to obey, yet my heart quaked beneath his piercing eyes, my submissive soul quivered under his domination.
I tried to do it, but no matter how hard, I found myself lowering my eyes.
He did not get cross. I heard him clear his throat. I looked up.
I looked again. It was like a battle inside my head.

Obey, obey, obey.
Submissive feeling don't look, submissive feelings don't look.

Obey won.

Then there was the thoughtful 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmm".

He told me I looked lost, like a small girl, unsure. without direction....................

And tonight he is going to solve this.
He has a plan.
I know what his plans include.

It includes lots and lots of questions, probing, searching deep within my heart. I feel like my brain is turned inside out , examined and put back together the way he wants, the way he likes, the way that is right.
It includes measured control; every moment, every breath, every word.

It includes pain. It is not the pain, it is the control that comes with it.

It includes openness, honesty, truth.

It includes humiliation.

It includes trust, total trust; unquestioning belief in what he does is what is good for me , what is right.

It is submission.

I am his slave.