This morning we talked again.
He made me look at him, in the eye. After all this time, does he not know how hard I find it? Of course he does, that's why he did it I guess.
Its so hard to hold his gaze, I desperately wanted to do as he says, to obey, yet my heart quaked beneath his piercing eyes, my submissive soul quivered under his domination.
I tried to do it, but no matter how hard, I found myself lowering my eyes.
He did not get cross. I heard him clear his throat. I looked up.
I looked again. It was like a battle inside my head.
Obey, obey, obey.
Submissive feeling don't look, submissive feelings don't look.
Then there was the thoughtful 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmm".
He told me I looked lost, like a small girl, unsure. without direction....................
And tonight he is going to solve this.
He has a plan.
I know what his plans include.
It includes lots and lots of questions, probing, searching deep within my heart. I feel like my brain is turned inside out , examined and put back together the way he wants, the way he likes, the way that is right.
It includes measured control; every moment, every breath, every word.
It includes pain. It is not the pain, it is the control that comes with it.
It includes openness, honesty, truth.
It includes humiliation.
It includes trust, total trust; unquestioning belief in what he does is what is good for me , what is right.
It is submission.
I am his slave.