Not sure why he has decided its a "games weekend"...but I don't like it any more. I have never liked "truth or dare", for all sorts of reasons....mainly that I think its dangerous in most situations and in this one...I was right.
I never chose "dare" because I have to tell the truth anyway, so why risk a dare with the strange mood he is in .....and now I'm in trouble...not for telling the truth...but because I did tell the truth. (that makes sense in my head, not sure it does on paper) The question was ...."what are you holding back?" and so I told him about my deepest fears...I know he knows them, but having to say it, having to type it, leaving it there on the screen, they just looked enormous, so overwhelming...so insurmountable. I don't want him to see them, to look, to scrutinise them and pull them apart , piece by painful piece.
I was filled with sadness and fear, seeing them typed there on the screen made them appear possible, almost inevitable. I know the likelihood is small, but even that is enough to have me sobbing, wanting to turn away from him when I should turn towards him. Not because he was being cruel, but because he was pushing me again, and I hated it and I hated him.
I was exhausted by the time he had finished , I felt bruised and battered, more so than any physical beating, canning or any punishment. I hurt................and sleep was my refuge.
Sleep was fitful, filled with disturbing images and emotions.
I had to call him again before I left for work, and he said he could hear how unhappy I was in my voice...............I'm not unhappy...........just shaky and so I did what I am best at....I hid at work, so I couldn't talk to him, couldn't be contacted and now I'm in trouble.