A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Wednesday, 29 June 2011

She was nothing

The slave sat waiting quietly in the room. He had told her that she was to wait quietly and to be still, but being still was difficult, she never seemed to be able to remain still, but she knew she would try.
She sat on the floor where he had told her she must, and thought about what was going to happen. She tried hard not to imagine things, to try to guess what was happening, but things went through her mind without her seeming to have any control over.
She was all alone in an almost empty room, the curtains were closed and all she had was her phone, she wasn’t allowed to touch it, and she began to wonder if he would ever come. There was nothing in the room to look at except the phone and the small wooden box that she could see underneath the window.
The vibration from the phone made her jump. She looked down at it and saw that it was him, but she didn’t know what to do, he had said not to touch it, so how could she answer it? She listened to it ringing and began to think maybe she should answer it, and just as she went to pick it up…it stopped.
The silence was loud, and she felt confused and unsure. The phone rang again; she saw the message come on the screen,”Pick me up”. She smiled and picked up the phone and read the rest of the message.
“Strip slave and kneel”.
She stripped and folded her clothes and left them in a small pile behind her and knelt on the floor, resting back on her heels.
She heard a sound outside the window and wondered if was him, she strained her ears to see if she could work out where he was, if he was coming into the room. The room seemed to be coming in towards her, and it seemed to be getting darker outside, she wasn’t frightened of the dark, but was a little unsettled that she was here naked, in the semi darkness waiting, not sure where he was.
The time seemed to slow down as she waited and then once again there was message for her.
“Crawl to the wooden box and get out the three bags and put them in front of you and continue kneeling. When the phone rings the first time open the red bag, the second the blue bag and the third the yellow bag.”
She crawled to the box and opened the lid, the curtain was not completely closed and she could see the light fading outside and she wanted to see him.
She crawled back to her place in the middle of the room and put the bags in front of her and knelt once more. She wondered what was in the bags, but knew there was no point trying to guess. He was always surprising her, making her think, keeping her off balance.
The phone rang and she leant forward and picked up the red bag and felt it. It wasn’t full, in fact it seemed to have nothing in it. She opened it, and put her hand inside. She could feel a piece of paper inside and something small, she wrapped her fingers around them and pulled it out. There in her hand were two small items, she turned them over in her hand and realised that they were ear plugs. She unfolded the piece of paper and read the instruction.
“Put the ear plugs in, and then place the phone in front of you so you can see when I text you”
She folded the paper and returned it to the bag, put the ear plugs in and moved the phone, and sat focusing on it, waiting for it to ring. She watched the minutes change, thinking it would not be long, but it was 24 minutes before it lit up. She picked it up and read the text.
“Get the next bag, and follow the instruction”.
Once more she picked up a bag and opened it. Inside were another bag and a note.
“Open the inner bag and put the contents on the floor and kneel on them, and wait for the next text”

 Her heart sank as she opened the bag, it was full of rice, and she knew it would hurt. She poured it onto the floor and moved herself onto it. She folded the bag and returned it to its place. This time she was hoping it wouldn’t be so long, the pin began to seep up through her knees, it began to fill her thoughts, to be everything that she was. She could no longer hear she was focused on the phone and the pain, nothing else. These 10 minutes were the longest.
Finally the phone went and she picked it up.“Get the yellow bag”
She leant forward and opened the bag, inside was another bag, and a rope that had been tied ready so her wrists would slip into it, and on the other end was a noose. The bag was black and thick and smelt of him. She did not want to put it on, but she knew she would. She slipped the noose over her head, and let it hand down her back, then she picked up the bag and pulled it over her head, and immediately she felt isolated, cut off alone. She put her hands behind her back and slipped them into the knot. She felt the noose tighten on her neck, but not too tight and she knelt back.
And she was alone, she could hear nothing, she could see nothing and she had no idea what was happening to her.
 She knelt and she waited, she became nothing.
He opened the door and she didn’t hear him
 He looked at her and she saw nothing.
He saw his slave, kneeling waiting for him, isolated. Until he did something, she was nothing, she would be nothing, have nothing.
He moved slowly towards her, not moving the air, giving no clues to his presence.
He reached carefully forward and wrapped his hand around the rope and yanked it upwards towards him. She gasped as she felt the rope tightened around her hands, pulling her arms backwards. And with his other hand wrapped in her hair he pulled her to her feet.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

What price we pay for love?

In this place, in "far away land", somethings are very similar and some things are very different. One of the things that is different is the concept of "a second wife".

One of my friend from here is a second wife. She is highly intelligent, a wonderful woman, well traveled and educated. She was a little wild in her early 20's when she was out of the country but nothing most of us haven't or didn't do. She is stunningly beautiful, with flawless skin, the most beatuiful deep brown eyes, long black hair, which she wears covered almost all of the time, and lips that just look so kissable.

Her mother died before she married and I think this had something to do with the position she is now in. She is a second wife. She is number two wife. Not as in get divorced and wife number two...she is the second of two current wives.

They live in separate houses, and he divides him time between the two of them. They both have children, although hers are a little younger and a lot smarter and doing better at school. She is happy to be the second wife most of the time, but when he is away and comes back and it is one of the other wife's days, then my friend finds it hard. She find sit difficult to be away from her husband and misses him, she sometimes finds it hard that she is the bottom of the pile.

Last week she told me she was pregnant again, my heart sank when I looked at her face, I planted a smile on my face and congratulated her, but my heart was heavy for her. She had mentioned last year that the first wife was having trouble having another baby and she had been told if she got pregnant, then she may well have to give the baby to the first wife to bring up. To me this seemed barbaric, how could she do that, how could a mother in law do that and how could a woman do that to another woman, to take her child from her. But in "far away land" , this is a common practice. You find families split, "adoptions" all over the place, children not knowing their sisters and borthers are in fact cousins, or distant relatives.

The thinking behind it being, that those parts of the family that can offer the most, provide the most, for the most, so you can see the logic, but how do you explain logic when your baby is going to be given to someone else.
Its not as if my friend is poor, or her husband.

I didn't mention it, and I' don't know if it will happen, maybe it wont. But her eyes were full of tears today and I asked her what was wrong

 Last night she spent the evening filling in forms for her husband and wife number one, to apply for a mortgage for a bigger house for them, and she was supplying the names of HER aunt and uncle to act as guarantors. Meanwile she lives with her grandmother with her two children ....somehow it doent seem fair, somehow it doesnt seem right.

I know it is not my place to judge, to pass comment even, and I didn't. I hugged her, asked about her lovely children, told her we would have coffee later and went away.

I saw her later in the day, on her phone, looking at  a text, and a slow silent tear flowed down her beautiful cheek and hung from her chin. She wiped it away with the back of her hand, sighed and finished reading the text. I made a noise and she looked up at me, and all I could see was pain.

She smiled a sad smile at me and got up to make the coffee.

Its not hard to be open minded, to respect other cultures and religions, but oh sometimes it is so hard to  understand.

What price we pay for love?

Monday, 27 June 2011

The conversation went like this

"Hello Slave...no talking just listen".

I want to see you naked on your knees, kneeling before me your rope around your neck, your skin wet from a shower.

I want to know that you are there, ready before me, waiting to please your owner, ready to do whatever you are asked, ready to willingly do anything, take anything and be anything.

I want you to imagine yourself there now, waiting for me, feeling my hand slowly tracing down your body, cupping your breast, gently squeezing your nipple, feeling the bar I put inside you as a sign of my ownership.

I want to to think of the times you have waited like this for me, sometimes for minutes and sometimes for hours. I need you to think how you have felt as you have waited, how you have longed to feel my hand on you. How sometimes it has been gentle, caring and soft and how other times I have come up behind you and pulled your hair backwards, or how I have squeezed your nipples so hard that your knees have buckled , or the times I have pulled you up by your nipples and squeezed your breast so hard that you have cried.

Can you feel my hand slave, can you, slipping slowly round your neck, gently squeezing, your eyes on mine until I press harder and harder, and noises and sensations become detached in your brain?

Can you feel yourself struggle for breath as I close my hand over your mouth, and how you know I may close my fingers over your nose, your very breath under my control?

Think how you feel slave, when you are against the wall, or your arse in the air and I am examining you, how you feel when I make you eat and drink from your bowl, my foot on your neck or your rope pinning you to the ground at my feet. Think how you feel when your crawl across the floor drooling and begging me to allow you to suck my cock, or be allowed to cum. And think how you feel when I say no, how you have pleaded and begged me. How do you feel when I call you slut, toy, it, pain toy, slave? How does it feel when you are left on the floor and I step over you, or when I treat you as just another one of my things, one of my possessions?

When you sleep at night slave, next to me how do you feel? Is it different when you sleep at my feet, or when I make you sleep on the floor? Or when I wake you at night to please me , to suck my cock, or to play with yourself for my enjoyment?

Think my slave how these things make you feel.

When I tell you what you may or may not do, when I have you remain still or fear the consequences, when I bound you, the rope tightening as you move, the times the ropes holds you open exposing you, giving unrestricted access to your body and thus your soul.

And how my slave does it feel when you are spanked? My hand on your arse, or the crop, biting into you, stinging, think of the sound of my belt as I take it off and you know it will be used on your body and how you hold yourself still for me while I use it on you, on your arse, your body, your breasts. Think how your feel when you see my hand reach for the whip, think slave.

This slave, is your life, you are mine, and everything you have and do is mine to control, every pleasure , every pain, every breath..................my control slave.

I will talk tou you tomorrow slave, go to bed and No talking to anyone, I want my words to fill your head, don't speak, no tv no radio, no music tonight, go to sleep".

And I went to bed, my cunt dripping with longing, my head filled with his voice and my night filled with the images he had planted there, flashing images in my dreams that left me wanting him, needing those feeling he had talked about, needing to feel his control, needing that submissive feeling to wash over me, flow into my body, my heart, my soul, my being.

This morning he did not mention his phone call, did not refer to it, it was like it never happened. I began to wonder if I had imagined it, dreamt it, but I looked on my phone and he  HAD called.

Now he is working..........................*sigh*

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Huff and puff and blow your house down

For the last three days I have had a head ache. A combination of work, tiredness and stress. I have'nt wanted to do much other than sleep, and on the whole he has let me, when I wasn't at work. I have had several things I have had to do, but I have got sleep.

But yesterday morning he wanted to play, he wanted to make me think.
I didn't want to
I tried everything I could to avoid it.

My face hurt. My head hurt. My hair even hurt.
 But there was no getting out of it.
I had told him several times I had a sore head, and he knew.

He had me pull my rope up, again not tight, just enough to feel it, but it felt like it was making my head pound, like each pulse of blood was hammering through my head.

Then the peg went onto my tongue to "stop me talking". I hadn't been talking much, but he was making a point.
Then one on each ear.

At which point I really began to hate what he was doing. My ears hadn't hurt...but now they did.
Then I had to lay down on the floor and wait, and I drooled in my hair.
I hate drool. I hate the smell, the feel, the fact of it, I hate it all.
I cried, pathetically, like a baby I lay on the floor and sobbed, which didn't help my head one little bit.
I cried some more

Then he told me to get up.
And I cried some more.
He asked me why I was crying so much.
Oh I was pissed off with him, why couldn't he see that my head hurt more.
He asked me how much more it hurt with what he had done

And I thought about it , and honestly....It wasnt that much more at all.
I didn't know why I cried so much.
Maybe it was because he did what he did.
Maybe it was because I knew I would have to do something I didn't want to do.
maybe it was because I thought he was being uncaring.

I huffed and puffed and he ignored it.
I cried a bit more and he ignored it.

He told me to get ready and go and do what i had to do.
And I huffed off, grumpy and miserable, feeling unloved, uncared for and hurt by his lack of compassion.

He sent me a text about an hour later.
"I don't do these things to make you miserable, I do theses things because you need to feel the control, I do them because regardless of anything else, it is what you need. If I thought it was harming you, I wouldn't do it. Do what you have to, take a pill and go to sleep and call me when you wake up. I know you didnt want to, but you did. Good girl"

SO very begrudgingly I smiled, did what I had to , took the pills, slept and woke up headache free and happy.

I hate it when he is right.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Going to bed with Eddie Izzard

He, my owner, not Eddie Izzard, is busy. He is working on some big new thing, so he is busy. He is trying to get it all finished  before I come home.

So he is busy.

He wants to, and will, find time for me and his evil plan of mastery of all he surveys, which here in "far away land" is me, oh and sometimes the little black cat, which I am sure has absolutely no interest in playing any of his games.

Howver, in the meantime I am to be left alone tonight.

So tonight I sleep with Eddie Izzard.

I will fall asleep with a smile on my lips, and HE will not have put it there, Eddie will have.

That will teach him for leaving me alone!

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Ouch....this time it hurt

Well this time he was here when he said he would be, this time he stayed, this time he didn't get called away.

This time it hurt.

He thinks that he has let me down by taking his eye of the ball, by giving me some space,  and now feels that he needs to slowly reel me in until I am where I should be by the time I go home...and now it has started.

He had me strip and kneel before him wearing my rope and a peg on each nipple, he had me wait.
 The unit went on the pads right at the top of my thighs, straight onto number two, with the treat that if I hesitated for a moment following an instruction it would go up by a notch each time. Two is bearable, its ok, not nice but bearable. next was the vibe into my cunt and then the TENS up to three.

And then the hood went on, oh how I hate that hood. I hate the isolation, I hate not being able to see him. And he asked em the questions he often uses, the questions I am sure lots of us are asked....

What are you?
Who do you belong to?
What are your rights?
What can I do to you?
What are you?

He told me that I am nothing,not a person, not a slave, when the hood is on , I am just a thing , a toy for him to use.
And my head begins to play tricks on me, I travel to that place where i begin to feel different, submissive, where I loose any will of my own, and his will takes over.

The hood came off and I had to light the candle. I had been allowed to kneel on a cushion, but this was replaced by a sheet of newspaper, and then I had to slowly dip the wax down my breast and onto my nipples, one at a time. The hot wax setting onto my nipple, heating up the bar he put in there, making it hot on the outside and on the inside. And my body slowly became nothing more than pleasure and pain.

The pegs and wax... pain
The unit... pain
The vibe... pleasure

He told me to get the bowl and it wasn't there.

The hood went back on.

The unit went up to four....and I cried.

More pegs on my tits, pinching, hurting...pain.

He made me cum and the pegs hurt more.
he asked the questions again and between the tears I answered him.

"Lie on the floor, toy".

I didn't want more Unit pain, I couldn't do it, I moved as fast as I could and lay down on the floor, the pegs digging into me, pushing, hurting, more pain.

And I tried hard. I tried hard to be calm, to breathe, the get around the pain, to use it .

It hurt.

Up toy and cum for me".

And the blood rushing to places just made it hurt more, and I came for him crying in pain, but crying out for him.

"Hood off"        "It's over slave, its over"

He told me to take of the pegs in my own time, any order, to turn the unit off. I tried to take of the nipple pegs , but the wax was set had, i opened the peg but couldn't get it off. I began to panic.


Although I was looking, its difficult to see sometimes, but his voice calmed me, his words calming, making me listen to him, reality.

And it was over, it was finished. When I had removed everything, he sent me to the bathroom to wash my face etc

 And I climbed into bed, and wrapped my blanket around me, and closed my eyes and slept for a while. When I woke, he was there, ready to talk to me, and he watched me as I fell asleep for the night. I woke in the night and he was still there, talking to me, telling me he loved me, he was proud of me.

This morning when I woke, he was still there, and he wished me "Happy Anniversary", and then nothing hurt.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Still Waiting

He makes a guest appearance every so often and then , like Macavity.....gone.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Put on hold

Well there I was just about to go and do what ever he told me and I heard his phone go.

And back to work he went. He thought he would be out for a lot longer, but but called back, so I was put on hold......

We talked this morning, briefly and I have done a days work, usual stuff, hot and sweaty, but good.

Then home and online to see if he was there.
He was.
We talked some more and then he said to me.....
"Now or later?"

So now I have to wait until he wants to play again, which according to his diary will be at 5.15 tomorrow morning in "far away land"....
Oh bugger I should have said now.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

My dad is my hero. I sent him a card telling him. I called him and told him and I could hear him smile. I love my dad. I was going to write a post about the role of a father , but decided to think of why my dad is my hero.

My dad is not judgmental. I have never ever heard him say a bad word about anyone, ever in my life. I have never heard him make a racist or sexist remark, which is somewhat unusual in someone from his generation and his background. I have, however, heard him comment on people's decision making, their attitude or their behaviour, but never the person themselves.

My Dad is tone deaf, utterly, but he loves to sing. It brings joy to his heart to sing and I love the fact that he does it anyway, regardless of what others think.

I have never heard my Dad raise his voice in anger.

My Dad is one of the most widely read, most intellectually brilliant men I have ever met. He has such an amazing general knowledge, and until recently total recall. He can speak speak at least seven languages fluently, is a gifted mathematician, played hockey at a national level, is a wonderful horseman, a great driver, can do magic tricks and once he had driven somewhere he could remember the route exactly, including significant landmarks along the way. He would however refuse to ask directions!

My Dad has a wicked sense of humour, he can floor you with one remark.

My Dad is brave.

My Dad can't cook, but loves to eat good food.

My Dad is honest, and honorable.

My Dad loves kids, especially his grandchildren.

My dad is generous, not just with his money, but with his time,

I love my Dad, and wish I could be with him, wish with all my heart I could share today with him.

In six weeks I will see him.

Happy Fathers Day

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Be careful what you wish for

This morning he decided it was time for a little play.

So as we were talking he had me attach the TENS unit pads to the very top of my inner thigh and get the vibe and put it just inside my cunt, on the lowest possible "on" and then he continued talking to me. I had sent him a beginning of the story the other day and he wanted me to tell him the next part, and for some reason it was really embarrassing. I am not sure why, but even the thought of saying it, made me blush and squirm with embarrassment. He laughed at me and asked me if I was blushing because if I had to tell him the next bit of the story, he would be able to see how depraved I could be. Which just sort of made it worse, because he was right. I was worried about that old phrase, "Be careful what you wish for" coming back and biting me on the arse when I get home. Any way he got distracted by a call and seemed to forget what he had asked me to do.

I waited until he had finished talking, then followed his instruction to turn up the unit and the vibe and put it deeper inside me. And he talked a bit about work and just stuff. The he made me turn up the unit more, and use the vibrator, and then I stopped concentrating. My mind distracted by the pain and the sensations inside me, I stopped concentrating and I came. Realising what had happened, I started to say sorry.

"On your knees slave"

I leap of the bed, untangled myself from earphones, ropes , books etc and almost threw myself on the floor, onto my knees, knowing that what I had done.

"Did I say you could cum slave, did you have permission?"

I hung my head and shook it .

"Well, did you?"

"No Sir, I did not have permission"

He turned up the unit and told me that he felt that he had not been controlling me as much as he should have been, that it was my responsibility to tell him when I was about to cum, and to ask permission, but that the control was his responsibility.  And as I will be home in four week, from now on there will be more control, there will be preparation to be with him again. It will be hard work and he will be taking back all the control that he has let slip.

Then he told me to make myself cum for him. And this time I asked before I did and he said yes, although it had crossed my mind he might have said no, just to make a point.
He stopped the pain, he stopped the pleasure. He stopped everything.

And I got so cold the moment it stopped, I was freezing, shaking and shivering from head to foot. My teeth began to chatter and he asked me what was wrong. I was frozen.
He told me to get back into bed, to wrap myself up.

And he talked to me about how much he was looking forward to seeing me again, how he longer to have me home in his arms, how he missed the feel of my hand in his. He talked about how much he loves me  and misses me, how proud he is of me. He told me how the bed is empty without me.
He also told me he know that I am excited about coming home, but how I am nervous too. It has been nearly six months and it will be scarey, the control will be difficult at first.

And I fell back to sleep with these words in my ears.

"Sleep sweet slave, I love you"

It doesnt get much better than that.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Then another list arrived: Pegs, ropes weights, vibrator, plug

Oh finally, I have sat down, stopped and have enough time to write. I know there has not been this much of a gap between posts since I started.

There is so much to say and I hope I have enough time to say it.
We have hardly talked in the last few days, in fact if I haven't been working I've been asleep pretty much, apart from one night, when he absolutely insisted that I talked to him.

So late in the night I switched on my computer and saw a list:
Control, pain, silence, obedience, submission, peace.

This was his list of thing he felt had been missing in my life this week.

Then another list arrived:
Pegs, ropes weights, vibrator, plug.

I got everything ready for him and waited by the computer and another email arrived:
Strip, rope, plug, nipple and clit  pegs, kneel, wait

So I stripped and inserted the plug, put my rope around my neck, not tight, but there, so I was aware of it, I attached the pegs to my nipples and clit and knelt down and waited for him.

My email pinged and another one arrived, "Turn the camera on and put your face on the floor with your asre facing me and when you hear me ping turn around and open your cunt for me."

So I did as he said and knelt on the floor, my arse exposed, the plug filling my hole and waited to move position until he had finished looking at me.

Instead of a ping, my phone went and he called and told me to remove the plug and hold my arse open for inspection. Then he told me to replace it, turn around and show him my cunt so he could inspect it, to pull it open by the pegs attached to it. I waited there until he had finished the inspection, waited while he commented on how my cunt was wet.

I stood on instruction so he could see how the pegs were on my nipples, and he told me that I was to attach the weight to the pegs and stand and wait for him. The weights are two small silk bags that had  held  present from him. They get filled with coins,the number and weight of depending on what he wants. I filled the bags and stood.

I could feel the weight pulling down on my nipples, but by standing still I felt I could control how I dealt with the pulling and the pain.

After ten minutes he told me to do and get the thin rope from the cupboard where it is kept. I had to climb up onto the shelf and reach up, and then I had no control over the pain, or how I deat with it, because I couldn't. So it filled me as the weights pulled the pegs, and I knew that this was the moment the control became his again..

I was instructed to fold the rope in half and then tie it to the bags, pulling them together, but still allowing them to hang down and then each end was to be tied to a peg on my cunt, effectively joining my pegged nipples and cunt. My hands were shaking by the time I had finished, my eyes full of tears and my breath catching in my throat.

He then told me I could choose.

I could pull the pegs on my cunt apart and tie them with another rope to my legs, or I could get the vibrator and make myself cum, standing in front of the camera.

I have not cum for what seems like a lifetime, and yet I knew that it would hurt too, but not as much as the first option.

I hate it when he counts.

"Cum please Sir"

 I had to walk to the bed and get the vibrator and push it deep into my cunt, turning it on to full.
"Fuck yourself hard slave, ram that vibe in, imagine its my cock fucking you, fucking you like the slave you are"

Standing before him, the rope pulling on my cunt and nipples I fucked myself with the vibrator, the orgasm building deep inside me, coming at me in waves, threatening to overwhelm me, flowing through me .

I begged.

"Please Sir, may your slave be allowed to cum ?"

 "Who do you come for slave"

"Please Sir may your slave be allowed to cum for you Sir ?"

"Are you sure its not for you slave, for your pleasure, this is not about you today?"

And with that I got to the point of no return,but i knew even like that tied, in pain, exposed and fucking myself , I knew if he said stop I would.

"Stand up straight and cum slave"

As I stood up straight the rope pulled on my cunt and nipples and even through the pegs were tight I felt them slipping slowly and excruciatingly painfully off the end of my nipples, and pulling on my cunt at the same time. They pulled off my nipples as I came and fell downwards, the weights attached to the rope pulling on my cunt as the orgasm ripped through me. I cried out and sobbed as the mix of pain and pleasure filled me.

As it subsided, I stood before him, my legs shaking, chest heaving, nipples sore and swollen, the blood rushing in. The rope was swinging form my cunt.

"You are beautiful slave, I love to see you give me your pain, to give me your submission. I love your obidence.Good girl"

 And from deep inside me came the peace, the feelings of submission washed over me. It filled me, took over me and took away the pain.

"Take the pegs of baby, lie on the bed.
Slave you are beautiful, your submission is ht e best gift you can ever give me".

And there I lay. I knew parts of me hurt, I knew that I had pain in me. I knew my holes were still filled, but as I lay on the bed and wrapped myself in my blanket, his voice filled me, my submission completed me.

I was his.

I am.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

A submissive heap

He took a deep breath and so did I. He went away and thought about what I had said to him, and I sat and waited for him to talk to me.
He came back and told me that what i had said was wrong, that he wasn't like others who have passed through my life, he isn't like them.
I told him, at the time that he was, he wasn't listening so i said it again. he said no. i said yes...there was silence.
He started again telling me .........and so I interrupted him and told him that he had specifically told me that if he was going to do something that day he would tell me.....and he hadn't , he had just gone ahead and done it. Now I know he can do as he pleases, but i made it evidently clear to him that this is what he had said...and then there was more silence...lots of it.

"Sweet slave , I am sorry you felt like that , I am sorry you felt betrayed, I am sorry"

It takes a strong person to admit they made a mistake, it takes a strong person to say sorry.

The outcome of all of this was, that things are ok.

Again he has been busy and my life has been manic, but last night I waited in my tipsy state for him, and when he came he was laughing at me, at the text I had sent him, at the fact I had hiccups, he was just laughing g at me, and in a strange was it was just perfect, I shouldn't have gone out and been drinking , but my life here had taken precedence over our life for a while and i had gone with the flow and he thought it was funny, even though he had not said i could go. we talked for a while and then I went to sleep as he had to go back to work again.

This morning I woke up, without a sore head and happy to see him waiting there to talk to me.
Those first few sleepy moments, when you stretch like a cat and decide if opening your eyes is a good idea or if you will just steal another few moment of sleep...I heard him clear his throat and so woke up smiling.
We talked for a while about last night and why I had gone out  and then he had me kneel for him, and close my eyes.
I began to wonder what was going to happen but waited quietly, but not still enough and was told to stay still and stop fidgeting, not to move....to close my eyes and empty my mind of everything apart from him.
So I took a deep breath, and waited, breathing slowly and tried hard to empty my mind of all the stuff that fills it day after day, the stuff that gets in our way, lists, chores, worries, other people, everything.
then he told me to imagine that I had walked into a room, that was all blue and hanging from the ceiling was a white rope with a noose on the end.
I have a vision of standing in front of the rope as he told me to put it on, and he said every time I thought of something else other than him, and his voice that the rope would tighten.
And so I focused on his voice, on what he was saying, listening carefully to every word, my eyes still closed, becoming more and more relaxed.

He told me to cup my breasts with my hands, to feel the bars through my nipples, that he placed there, that are my sign of his ownership of me, then to slowly run my hand down my body and begin to play very slowly and very gently with my cunt.

And as I listened to the voice, imagining that I was in that room with him, kneeling with the rope around my neck, playing with my cunt for his pleasure.........I felt the heat rising in my body, my need for him growing, as I begged to be allowed to cum for him, pleading with him. He told me to put my hand onto my throat and squeeze, to think of it as his hand and as hand closed around mt neck he growled,"Cum bitch" and I exploded. My whole body shaking, convulsing with desire, with longing for him, with the need to submit to him.
And I began to feel smile at him but the tears were once more flowing down my face , tears of happiness at the feelings that overwhelmed me, the feeling of submission...............and he laid me on the floor, opened my legs and made me cum again , this time fast and furious, painful from the stimulation and I lay on the floor open and exposed.

He told me to get my cover and get onto the bed and lay down, ad I struggled to keep my eyes open, but they would not stay open, I could hear his voice, I was aware of what was going on around me, but I was struggling to stay ...............and then slowly but surely I came back to him, and lay there in a happy submissive huddle just looking at him while he worked.....oh bliss

Happy happy slave

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Friday, 10 June 2011

things are ok

Just to say things are ok, long long day, too tired,but its ok,......I am ok, we are ok.......sounds a bit like a verb
Sleep then type.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

I told him

Well...here goes....

I told him, I told him I was coming home, I told him and he was very happy, he was very happy to know I would be home with him.

And then he asked me when I found out and I told him...and there was an ear splitting silence over the airwaves.......complete........absolute.

"Why slave, why did you wait to tell me?"

And I just shrugged, because for the life of me I could not find the words to explain to him the myriad of feelings that have gone through my mind since I found out.

I tried to find the words to explain, and fumbled and mumbled until he sort of got an understanding.
He smiled at me, laughed gently and told me how happy he was.

I wanted to weep buckets, but I didn't.

Then things started to fall apart big time.

He was concerned that I was so tired, I have had a hard few days back at work and was just tired, extra work, extra pressure, just stuff and lots of nightmares and disturbed sleep. This is not new, but it is a bit worse at the moment. He has noticed that when he lessens the control they get worse, I sleep worse, its just not good.

We were talking, and I know I was looking worried, I know I was and he said, "Relax slave, its ok, we are are talking, nothing is going to happen"

Then he reassured me again, "I will say if we are going to do anything".

He asked me a few more questions, asked me how, on a scale of 1-8 I felt the level of control was at that moment.

My TENS unit goes 1-8

I told him it was 6, he asked me to clarify, which I did, and then he told me to get the unit and put it on my nipples and turn it on. I was shocked, he had said, he had ...but he just told me to do this out of the blue. It stayed there on 1, for a while and then he turned it up to 2, it hurt initially and then it was bearable.

Then it was turned up to 3 and it hurt, it fucking hurt, but more than the pain in my nipples and tits, it hurt me.

He told me to use my finger to play with myself. I was crying by now, I felt heart broken, I really did. I remember muttering under my breath, "You are just like the rest of them", but he didn't hear me, he just heard me crying and told me to turn it off. He talked to me for a while, I stopped crying, but I was so sad, I felt betrayed. I now had no words to say, nothing to tell him how I felt and so he sent me to bed, to sleep He stayed there. I know he stayed there because I peeped, and then I fell asleep.

He wasn't there when I woke at 2 am, or a 3am ,he wasn't there when I woke up crying at 4 am, but he was there when I woke at 5am and gave up trying to sleep. We talked. I was quiet, he was wondering, knowing I was hurting, but not why.

I went to work and pissed him off when I couldn't talk to him. In the end I wrote him and e mail, telling him how I had felt last night.
When he got it he called me, He is very upset by what I have said.

I told him I felt he had betrayed my trust, that last night I had felt he was "like the others ".

I know he can do what he likes, when he likes, how he likes. But he specifically said to me not to worry, that nothing would happen unless he told me it would and then it did.

He told me that he will talk to me later when he has calmed down and thought things through.I don't want to talk to him, i want to go to sleep without him i want him to leave me alone.
I know it may sound childish and naive, but that me , that's how I feel.

Today I hate him and yet I am so sad that I have hurt him.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Sending an email

I have sent him an email, asking him if he can talk to me, That I have something to tell him, I got a message saying he will be 15 minutes....so now I have 14 minutes to take that breath and the leap.
Oh 13 minutes..........

Monday, 6 June 2011

Unable to tell him

Just when you think you have things figured out, just when you think are in a place that is safe and calm; something happens. Someone says something or does something and it changes how you view things.

Today I got an email and then I got a phone call...and it said...

"You have holiday....we have booked you a flight in the middle of July,,,,,,six weeks leave".

I felt sick, and then I burst into tears, and then I felt sick again.

And now my emotions are all over the place, I am going home.....I'm going home, yes I am, H O M E

And I have to tell him now that I am coming home, and for some reason I just cant do it,  and i don't know why.

I know he will be happy.
I know he will be excited
But I don't know why I cant tell him.

So here I sit, withe the little black cat, wanting desperately to tell him, but unable to.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Aisha and today

Sometimes we have a wake up call; sometimes we see it somewhere, or hear it in an overheard conversation, or we read a phrase somewhere that is like an electric shock to our conscious, sometimes a memory comes floating back to us, or sometimes its there in a dream, a wispy memory when we wake, that we fight to hold onto and recall, and then the wake up call hits us like a mallet.

Last night I dreamt of a friend who had died, she was in my dream, trying to show me something, trying to explain something, but in my dream I couldn't see it clearly.

When I woke, it was the middle of the night, dark and stormy outside, with rolls of thunder pouring across the sky, flashes of lightning in the distance, illuminating the towering thunder clouds for brief flashes.
I sat outside for a while and watched it, my knees pulled up, my head resting on my chin, hugging myself, thinking about my friend and wondering what it had been that she was trying to show me, feeling slightly sorry for myself. The little black cat came and joined me, so she sat on my lap and we watched the storm together, watched it slowly rolling out to sea and far away, the last rumbles fading into the distance.

Then I turned on my computer, and there was the sad news about aisha Mom, my heart went out to her, wishing there was something I could do to make it not hurt for her.

I am lucky to still have both my parents living, although I have a very difficult relationship with my mum, she is still there, I pretend to myself that I will not be that sad when she dies, but in reality I know I will, because it will be my mum, and I will have lost the chance of ever having a good relationship.

I went back to sleep and once more I dreamt about my friend, and this time I saw the thing she was holding, it was a book...................an open book and on every page was just one word....."today" with a blank space under it, she turned the pages and each page was the same, and she smiled at me and closed the book.

When I woke up, it was as clear as if she had been sitting next to me, I didn't feel sad, I just felt happy to have seen her again. I lay there and thought about it, about her, our friendship and the memories we had, and I smiled, sadly some of the time, but happily too.  I thought of the word "today", and that was my wake up call...what was I doing with my "Today"?

Was it going to be meaningful and productive, would today be a day when I made a difference somewhere, what would it be? It doesn't mean that I need to list it, or even talk about it, but I do need to think about it. It doesnt mean that if each day is not meaningful I should beat myself up about it, but I should think about it.

When I turned on my laptop, there was a post from aisha ( http://beingaisha.wordpress.com/2011/06/04/the-silver-lining/ )

Even in her sadness and loss,she managed to find a silver lining; what an amazing woman her mother must have been to brought up someone who has such an open, positive outlook on life.

It made me think.

I will call my mum.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Open and vulnerable

The morning, he appeared online, just out of the blue, I wasn't expecting him and I was half asleep, having been kept up most of the night by a huge tropical storm.

"Get your toy slave, the big one".

I was not feeling needy or sexy or excited or even particularly obedient, but I huffed my way to the bag and got the toy.

"Open you legs slave and show me your cunt"
So, I did as I was told, and showed him my cunt.

"Put the toy in slave and fuck yourself"
So I put the toy in and fucked myself.

"Cum for me slave".
So I came for him.

And then the connection got cut...............and I was left there, exposed, open , vulnerable, used and alone.
And I waited there for him to come back, and I waited and waited, not knowing what to do, not knowing.......

And he came back............................ finally....................and I was a mess.

I couldn't tell him what was wrong, I just didn't know what to say. I knew he would come back, but I didn't know when.

That's what I hate about being " far far away".

I wonder if I click my heals together...."There's no place like home, theres no place like home".

Nope.................................... not working.
Oh well

Friday, 3 June 2011


I just had a message from him to say that he has to work all day tomorrow and most likely he will be unavaialbe on Sunday too...sometimes this happens, sometimes it is just the way it is.

But I will miss him, miss him saying goodnight, making sure I go to sleep. I will miss hearing his voice, oh hell I will just miss him....but he will be back on Monday or Tuesday.

Oh sigh.

Maybe I will do something useful with my time.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

He holds the key

This morning he took me somewhere special. He took me to that place I love to be, but a place he holds the key to.

He let me go there, watching me as I went, sent by his actions, his words, the feelings he filled me with.
He watched me as I sat there before him, knowing he was there, able to see him, but not seeing him, able to hear him, but not hearing him, knowing that I was there because he let me, floating in that gentle subspace, the one filled with happiness, with calmness,submission and  completeness.

The subspace that you ease back from, floating as if falling gently through a cloud, knowing that your landing wil be safe, controlled, comfortable and gentle.

And landing, knowing he was there waiting for me, knowing I am cared for, loved.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Feeling his control

I was right about there being something in the air....last night when he came online I could see the glint in his eye, his mind turning.

"You know don't you slave?"
"Oh yes Sir I know"
'You know its not to punish you, you know its just to remind you, about my control, about who and what you are...its not to hurt you?"
"Yes Sir"

So last night after kneeling for a while, he had me slowly undress for him, and as each piece of clothing came off, he examined me,commenting on what he could see. About how soft my skin looked, how he liked my tan, how he liked the way my hair was falling onto my neck. He liked the contrast of my black bra against my skin. When he checked my nipples and the bars, he commented on how happy it makes him to see the symbol of his ownership in my body, the words written around my nipples. He spoke about my cunt, how it was wet, and swollen slightly.

By the time he had finished I was almost purring with happiness and squirming with pleasure.

He told me to collect the small thin cane and two pegs. I had to run the cane over my nipples, and as they became harder and more erect, he had me squeeze and pinch then, pulling them. and then.........
"....get the pegs and peg the cane to your nipples, put the nipple on top of the cane and then peg it, then put your hood on".
As I did the first one, it slipped and I yelped,
"Do it carefully slave".

Again I tried and then began to breathe deeply as the pain flowed through me, the cane firmly attached to my nipples, he had me put the hood on and told me all I was to think about was his voice, that the pain was not important, nothing other than him was important, all I had to think about was him.
And then I had to put my hands behind my back and the pull on my nipples must have made me flinch or gasp.

"The pain is nothing, it is me that you think about, I am the only thing, no pegs no cane, no pain, just me "

And his voice filled my head, the pain subsided and I thought of him, of him looking at me, watching me, enjoying what he saw, knowing he was happy was what became important.

And then one of the pegs pinged off..and I wanted to put it back on for him, but he told me to pull the other one off and cane my nipples five times each, and to do it quickly.

Without thinking I canned them, and waited for him to comment..............he told me to make myself cum.........my cunt was dripping and I came so fast,the orgasm ripping through my body, and as I was cumming he told me to pull the hood off.

After i had cum I stayed there on the floor, kneeling before my owner, waiting for him to talk, unable to look at him , feeling submissive......and he started again, looking at my body, commenting on how it looked now, how he had enjoyed using me , how I was his.

When he had finished, I had to get the cane and the rope, then tying the rope around myself under my tits, I had to tie the cane to myself, criss-crossing the rope around me to ensure that the cane stayed where he wanted it, under my tits.

So for last night I slept with the cane tied to me, tied to my tits, to remind me that it can be used on me, to remind me that whatever he wants to do...he can. And surprisingly , I slept very well, apart from waking once, I slept through the night and  I woke  when he called me, I once again knelt before him and removed the rope and cane, and expecting the pegs again, I waited, not wanting to do it, they were tender and a little sore, but knowing that I would do as he asked. I felt completely under his control, submissive, ready to please him.

The pegs were there, the rope was there, the cane was there...............but once again he examined me, talking about what he saw, commenting on what made him happy.

"Now tell me slave, how do you feel?"

And I thought for a moment , and I thought some more and I had just three words, "Submissive Sir, owned".

"Oh slave you should see the smile on your face".

And he made me lay down on the floor and make myself cum for him, and as I came I was filled with such feeling of submission I asked him if I could be allowed to lie in "my place", face down on the floor, arms behind my back, ankles crossed.

He chuckled and said "Oh course slave, its where you belong, you may get up when you are ready".

And I lay there for about twenty minutes, floating away on a wave of happiness and submission, my mind filled with thought of him, how I can make him happy, how I can be a better slave for him and how I love him.

And when I sat up, he was smiling at me, his glasses on the end of his nose, and I knew he had been reading, waiting for me.

And it felt how it should be...two sides of the coin. two separate people.... one entity.

"Now my slave . off you go and enjoy your last day off, what ever you want, do whatever you want".

 And what I wanted filled my head "And no slave that does NOT included kneeling the in front of me, I'm going to bed, go have fun".

And he sent me away, with a virtual pat on the arse............oh sigh.