Sometimes we have a wake up call; sometimes we see it somewhere, or hear it in an overheard conversation, or we read a phrase somewhere that is like an electric shock to our conscious, sometimes a memory comes floating back to us, or sometimes its there in a dream, a wispy memory when we wake, that we fight to hold onto and recall, and then the wake up call hits us like a mallet.
Last night I dreamt of a friend who had died, she was in my dream, trying to show me something, trying to explain something, but in my dream I couldn't see it clearly.
When I woke, it was the middle of the night, dark and stormy outside, with rolls of thunder pouring across the sky, flashes of lightning in the distance, illuminating the towering thunder clouds for brief flashes.
I sat outside for a while and watched it, my knees pulled up, my head resting on my chin, hugging myself, thinking about my friend and wondering what it had been that she was trying to show me, feeling slightly sorry for myself. The little black cat came and joined me, so she sat on my lap and we watched the storm together, watched it slowly rolling out to sea and far away, the last rumbles fading into the distance.
Then I turned on my computer, and there was the sad news about aisha Mom, my heart went out to her, wishing there was something I could do to make it not hurt for her.
I am lucky to still have both my parents living, although I have a very difficult relationship with my mum, she is still there, I pretend to myself that I will not be that sad when she dies, but in reality I know I will, because it will be my mum, and I will have lost the chance of ever having a good relationship.
I went back to sleep and once more I dreamt about my friend, and this time I saw the thing she was holding, it was a book...................an open book and on every page was just one word....."today" with a blank space under it, she turned the pages and each page was the same, and she smiled at me and closed the book.
When I woke up, it was as clear as if she had been sitting next to me, I didn't feel sad, I just felt happy to have seen her again. I lay there and thought about it, about her, our friendship and the memories we had, and I smiled, sadly some of the time, but happily too. I thought of the word "today", and that was my wake up call...what was I doing with my "Today"?
Was it going to be meaningful and productive, would today be a day when I made a difference somewhere, what would it be? It doesn't mean that I need to list it, or even talk about it, but I do need to think about it. It doesnt mean that if each day is not meaningful I should beat myself up about it, but I should think about it.
When I turned on my laptop, there was a post from aisha ( http://beingaisha.wordpress.com/2011/06/04/the-silver-lining/ )
Even in her sadness and loss,she managed to find a silver lining; what an amazing woman her mother must have been to brought up someone who has such an open, positive outlook on life.
It made me think.
I will call my mum.