A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Thursday, 9 June 2011

I told him

Well...here goes....

I told him, I told him I was coming home, I told him and he was very happy, he was very happy to know I would be home with him.

And then he asked me when I found out and I told him...and there was an ear splitting silence over the airwaves.......complete........absolute.

"Why slave, why did you wait to tell me?"

And I just shrugged, because for the life of me I could not find the words to explain to him the myriad of feelings that have gone through my mind since I found out.

I tried to find the words to explain, and fumbled and mumbled until he sort of got an understanding.
He smiled at me, laughed gently and told me how happy he was.

I wanted to weep buckets, but I didn't.

Then things started to fall apart big time.

He was concerned that I was so tired, I have had a hard few days back at work and was just tired, extra work, extra pressure, just stuff and lots of nightmares and disturbed sleep. This is not new, but it is a bit worse at the moment. He has noticed that when he lessens the control they get worse, I sleep worse, its just not good.

We were talking, and I know I was looking worried, I know I was and he said, "Relax slave, its ok, we are are talking, nothing is going to happen"

Then he reassured me again, "I will say if we are going to do anything".

He asked me a few more questions, asked me how, on a scale of 1-8 I felt the level of control was at that moment.

My TENS unit goes 1-8

I told him it was 6, he asked me to clarify, which I did, and then he told me to get the unit and put it on my nipples and turn it on. I was shocked, he had said, he had ...but he just told me to do this out of the blue. It stayed there on 1, for a while and then he turned it up to 2, it hurt initially and then it was bearable.

Then it was turned up to 3 and it hurt, it fucking hurt, but more than the pain in my nipples and tits, it hurt me.

He told me to use my finger to play with myself. I was crying by now, I felt heart broken, I really did. I remember muttering under my breath, "You are just like the rest of them", but he didn't hear me, he just heard me crying and told me to turn it off. He talked to me for a while, I stopped crying, but I was so sad, I felt betrayed. I now had no words to say, nothing to tell him how I felt and so he sent me to bed, to sleep He stayed there. I know he stayed there because I peeped, and then I fell asleep.

He wasn't there when I woke at 2 am, or a 3am ,he wasn't there when I woke up crying at 4 am, but he was there when I woke at 5am and gave up trying to sleep. We talked. I was quiet, he was wondering, knowing I was hurting, but not why.

I went to work and pissed him off when I couldn't talk to him. In the end I wrote him and e mail, telling him how I had felt last night.
When he got it he called me, He is very upset by what I have said.

I told him I felt he had betrayed my trust, that last night I had felt he was "like the others ".

I know he can do what he likes, when he likes, how he likes. But he specifically said to me not to worry, that nothing would happen unless he told me it would and then it did.

He told me that he will talk to me later when he has calmed down and thought things through.I don't want to talk to him, i want to go to sleep without him i want him to leave me alone.
I know it may sound childish and naive, but that me , that's how I feel.

Today I hate him and yet I am so sad that I have hurt him.


  1. sorry HS, i dunno which words can make you feel better at this moment, so just sending you hugs.

  2. Oh, and it makes perfect sense that you feel that way.

    hugs, lots of them,


  3. I am so sorry you are feeling lost.
    Hugs to you

  4. ..i've just come across your blog today. i was sad to read how unhappy you were with how that went - sounds like it wasn't what was needed at all :(

  5. My heart goes out to you.

    I've seen it happen that things can go so wrong with just a few words. It seems as though we should be able to find the words.. but there is that awful disconnect.

    I hope you feel stronger soon.

  6. Dear all, will get back to you after sleep, but for now........thank you