Having promised my 'friend' that I would get back to him at sometime I sent him an email. He is my blast from the past. I told him a few more details of what had happened and how I was feeling, how things were and a few of my plans for the future (which involved a big long list of place to visit this year: Laos, Myamar and Australia).
I told him I would be returning to the UK at some point too this year and I asked how he was. And that was it.
I got an email back pretty much straight away. He asked how I was feeling, how I was coping, how I was behaving (which made me smile) and then there was the big question tacked onto the end of the email......
"So my little lost subby friend...how are you managing without control in your life?"
I was just about to reply and say I was fine without it, that I was having a rest from it, that I didn't need it, that I didn't want it, and then I paused and had a small think to myself and wondered if this was entirely true....and as i was thinking another email arrived and all it said was....
"Hmmmmm, thought so"
He then sent a longer email to me, offering to take on a "mentoring role", a role of keeping me safe until such time as I make up my mind about anything else. He has offered to talk to me, at length about what I think I might need to keep me sane, on the straight and narrow (relatively speaking) and to set a level of control.
I know he is married, I know he is far away, I know that he is offering what he is offering; no more , no less. I know all the facts, as much as I can.
He has laid his cards on the table.
Do I pick them up?
He asked me to think about what he has said, what he has offered and to email him in a week as to my decision , to indicate if this is something I want.
So....is my hand hovering above those cards or is it over my mouth stopping the "OMG, what do I do now from coming out" ?
Well its a bit of both.