A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Friday, 1 July 2011

Leap of faith

He asked me if he had changed since his stroke, and expected me to answer straight away. I said I needed to think about it before I could give a considered answer. So he let me think and we have discussed it, but in the meantime there was something else I said to him that has upset his Domly feelings.

We were talking about when I come home, which may now have to be moved back a week due to complications and time stuff, however, when we were discussing something, he was walking about hog tying me and using me. I must have pulled a face or had some expression he didn't like  and he asked me what was wrong

 I told him I was scared. there was a deafening silence down the line.
"Scared? Are you scared of me"

Well no I am not scared of HIM per se, however I am scared that once I am in that position he can and will do exactly as he pleases.
I thought long and hard about it. Am I anxious, or nervous , or scared?
I am scared.

He was not happy at all.He wasn't angry with me and made it very clear that he wasn't, however, he was  a little hurt that I could be scared of him.

He could understand anxiety or nerves....but fear? He could not understand how if I trust him, how I can be scared. When then got him to thinking that I can't possibly trust him 100%. Which then in turn took us back to the original question....Has he changed?

I think I may have told him about being scared, because it was my way of answering the first question. I am scared. I am not sure what I am scared of, I am just scared. It is a long time since I have been with him, it is six months, but that should just make me anxious I think, as well as excited and nervously expectant.

However I am scared, not hugely, but I am.

So thinking further about this and what I had said he decided to get me to lie with my hand behind my back and let him see my cunt, to hold it open , to use it for his pleasure. He then explained htat it did'nt matter where I am, he has the control. That was not how I was feeling. I explained to him , that it would be totally different.

Here, I could, in theory, just move my hand, close my  legs and shut the cam and there is nothing that he can do about it. That I choose to submit to him at each level., at each order. I know that this is something I would find hard not to do, and in fact I do it automatically, but in reality I could stop.

Once I am there with him, and he has me tied and exposed, there is NOTHING I can do. I choose to submit all in one lump, give the whole lot of control at once, that is what he has, he holds, and I hold nothing. I know that is what this is about, and its what I said I would give him...all the control...but now i am scared to. he thinks it is a reflection on him, that I don't trust him.

Do I?
  I am not sure.

The old him, yes I did, implicitly. I have, with my life , but the new him...I don't know.
If i don't trust him, how is the dynamic changed, how are "we" changed, how is out life changed?

Has he changed? Yes he has. he is not the man he was. I am not sure many people would see what I see. I see a loss of confidence. On the outside he appears almost the same, but I know deep down inside he feels different. He seems to sometimes not trust his own judgement , or his decision making process, and sometimes I can see why. He is definitely more tetchy, quicker to anger. Is that a result or a consequence.

It is a medical consequence, however  sometimes I feel it is born from frustration with himself and a shorter fuse .

He tell me that since it happened, his feelings for me have deepened, that he still sees me as his slave,and always will, but that he loves me more than he ever did, and sometimes he finds it difficult to hurt me for his pleasure alone. Its not difficult to hurt me as a justified punishment, but just for fun, is not so easy, and he is not so decisive about things now.

He has changed. I don't know if it is all a physical result of the stroke or an emotional response to it

Do I trust him? In theory ...yes ..in practise..? .I am not sure...maybe I only will when we see each other again, and I know for definite that I can, and if my trust is misplaced...then what?
Will my owner be able to do what he could before, make me feel safe?
So many questions to be answered...and I think it will take a leap of faith.....not sure if I have it at the moment.
And if I tell him this, and I must, is there a way around it?


  1. *hugs*

    This post really resonated with me as my Owner and I are having similar issues. His love for me made him not want to play anymore. It's only been in the past few months that we're getting back on track.

    I completely understand your fear....of being hurt in a bad way, the loss of control, the unknown, and maybe even the fear of not getting enough.

    It's not easy being the sub. We get to know someone, trust and submit to them. Then we realize they've changed, whether for good or ill, and we're left fumbling. They still demand and expect the same submission but we're trying to process it all still.

    Yeah, I've been where you're at for the last year and a half. Only now is everything starting to come together.

    I hope for both your sakes that you will have an easier and a shorter time rebuilding that trust. I'll keep you both in my prayers.


  2. And that's all I can do too - hold you in my thoughts and prayers - that all of this moves in ways that will be best for both of you always.



  3. Because you have been apart for so long it is natural to have feelings of hesitantcy. Once you reconnect in person hopefully will feel natural again for you both.
    Good luck

  4. Maybe you will know only when you are together again.
    I truly hope you'll reconnect and find your way back with him.
    My heart goes out to you .. how hard to be so far away for so long.

  5. Hs its understandable these thoughts are going through your mind now, let us hope that your Master can reassure you again that He is the person He once was. He is not going to let you down. You will find that trust again.

    blossom xx

  6. cuddly kitten...thank you for your understanding and positive outlook

    aisha, as always...thank you

    SBF...i am hoping that that is the case, time will tell.

    Nancy...it is hard, but then that's just how things are.

    blossom...it has been hard telling him how I feel, but a long time ago mouse told me "open" is the way to go...

    Thank you all for your comments. At the moment , as our date to be together gets closer my emotions are all over the place.