He asked me if he had changed since his stroke, and expected me to answer straight away. I said I needed to think about it before I could give a considered answer. So he let me think and we have discussed it, but in the meantime there was something else I said to him that has upset his Domly feelings.
We were talking about when I come home, which may now have to be moved back a week due to complications and time stuff, however, when we were discussing something, he was walking about hog tying me and using me. I must have pulled a face or had some expression he didn't like and he asked me what was wrong
I told him I was scared. there was a deafening silence down the line.
"Scared? Are you scared of me"
Well no I am not scared of HIM per se, however I am scared that once I am in that position he can and will do exactly as he pleases.
I thought long and hard about it. Am I anxious, or nervous , or scared?
I am scared.
He was not happy at all.He wasn't angry with me and made it very clear that he wasn't, however, he was a little hurt that I could be scared of him.
He could understand anxiety or nerves....but fear? He could not understand how if I trust him, how I can be scared. When then got him to thinking that I can't possibly trust him 100%. Which then in turn took us back to the original question....Has he changed?
I think I may have told him about being scared, because it was my way of answering the first question. I am scared. I am not sure what I am scared of, I am just scared. It is a long time since I have been with him, it is six months, but that should just make me anxious I think, as well as excited and nervously expectant.
However I am scared, not hugely, but I am.
So thinking further about this and what I had said he decided to get me to lie with my hand behind my back and let him see my cunt, to hold it open , to use it for his pleasure. He then explained htat it did'nt matter where I am, he has the control. That was not how I was feeling. I explained to him , that it would be totally different.
Here, I could, in theory, just move my hand, close my legs and shut the cam and there is nothing that he can do about it. That I choose to submit to him at each level., at each order. I know that this is something I would find hard not to do, and in fact I do it automatically, but in reality I could stop.
Once I am there with him, and he has me tied and exposed, there is NOTHING I can do. I choose to submit all in one lump, give the whole lot of control at once, that is what he has, he holds, and I hold nothing. I know that is what this is about, and its what I said I would give him...all the control...but now i am scared to. he thinks it is a reflection on him, that I don't trust him.
I am not sure.
The old him, yes I did, implicitly. I have, with my life , but the new him...I don't know.
If i don't trust him, how is the dynamic changed, how are "we" changed, how is out life changed?
Has he changed? Yes he has. he is not the man he was. I am not sure many people would see what I see. I see a loss of confidence. On the outside he appears almost the same, but I know deep down inside he feels different. He seems to sometimes not trust his own judgement , or his decision making process, and sometimes I can see why. He is definitely more tetchy, quicker to anger. Is that a result or a consequence.
It is a medical consequence, however sometimes I feel it is born from frustration with himself and a shorter fuse .
He tell me that since it happened, his feelings for me have deepened, that he still sees me as his slave,and always will, but that he loves me more than he ever did, and sometimes he finds it difficult to hurt me for his pleasure alone. Its not difficult to hurt me as a justified punishment, but just for fun, is not so easy, and he is not so decisive about things now.
He has changed. I don't know if it is all a physical result of the stroke or an emotional response to it
Do I trust him? In theory ...yes ..in practise..? .I am not sure...maybe I only will when we see each other again, and I know for definite that I can, and if my trust is misplaced...then what?
Will my owner be able to do what he could before, make me feel safe?
So many questions to be answered...and I think it will take a leap of faith.....not sure if I have it at the moment.
And if I tell him this, and I must, is there a way around it?