A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Saturday, 12 March 2011

He is very angry with me

I am in trouble...he was very angry with me.

I told him I would not be able to be on my phone at all during the day yesterday...and I couldn't, I had four minutes to my self from the start of my day to the end.................
It is not that apparently, I can be busy, but its my attitude about it all, its about when he tells me off and I sulk.
Its also about the fact that last night I had someone to stay in my house; I sent him an offline to ask him if it would be ok, as I was forced into into it, well put under pressure to give an immediate answer, and I wasn't going to phone him at 4am and ask him as he has had such problems sleeping.....and that was wrong too

He has told me I am rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, cold and icy.

He doesn't like it when I reply "I don't know what to say". I don't, because whatever I say just seems to get me deeper into trouble and so its better to say nothing.

The last time I told him anything of any great significance....................things were not good and we have not talked about it since (i feel like this is a repeat post here).

It is on the tip of my tongue to say something, to say to him...."You want me to tell you how I feel?" and to just let rip, to tell him exactly how I feel.
To tell him I am sad, and scared to tell him I am "cold" because if I let go of my feeling, if I show him everything will fall apart.

I have a function to go to tomorrow and I had a dress made to go in, one I know he would like,in red, which he likes and I hate, and when I tried to show it to him , it all went wrong and he ended up cross and I ended up in tears........and now he doesn't understand I hate that dress, I hate it, I never want to wear it ............but he thinks I am being silly

I wish I could tell him how I feel, I wish I could, but there seems no point.

He has told me if I continue to be "cold" towards him then "So be it" and I will be treated accordingly.

 That I will be used for his fun and nothing more.................

My head is a complete mess, he is too busy, I won't talk, since his stroke he is different and has changed and more than anything I need what is just out of my reach............I want all the old feeling to come back..........and they won't ........or maybe I wont let them.


  1. hs~
    Your posts make me so very sad and I just wanted you to know that I am sorry you are going through this awful pain. I am not sure why you stay- why you suffer.. although I am sure its for a good reason- and only a reason you can truly understand. I just think that life is too short and if someone is not making you happy- or in your case so very sad... is it really right for you? Regardless of D/s or whatever your relationship is... I would think the point is to be happy.... be healthy....love life. I hope tomorrow is brighter - you are in my thoughts.

  2. sometimes when i feel like nothing i say comes out right, that Sir completely misunderstands me, that i can't win... i just get really quiet and still...

    i try not to do anything or say anything...

    not icy, not distant, just open and receptive

    i find that it gives me room to breathe and Him room to decide

    not sure if that's helpful... i just feel so badly for how rough it has been for you this long while...

    if the advice is crap, just know that i'm pulling for you!


    ps - my word verification is "doobehis" (an omen??)

  3. I don't know all the in's and out's of your relationship but the thing that sticks out the most is that in D/s, (this is what I have learned)open honest communication is of the utmost importance. Another thing that Sir has repeatedly told me that no one should ever have to be in a relationship that includes anger and fear, despite the conversation or the circumstances. He always says that if a dominant cannot control his own self, how can he ever attempt to have any sort of control his submissive? What he says makes sense. Fear and anger (on either si8de) is no foundation for a relationship; vanilla or D/s. My thoughts are with you. Take care of you, you are important.

  4. I don't think I understood he had a stroke. Have you researched the effects? There is a lot of anger as the body heals. It's kind of like wiring gone crazy. It's not something he can control. But, the point is, he shouldn't be attempting to control you or your situation at this time either. I'm not sure if anything I have said has made you think further, but I still think he 'took' you out mentally at the visit, and you have never recovered either. Perhaps a break to re-establish friendship and health and wellness in yourselves would be called for before trying to add any D/s kind of activity to it. It seems likely without it, the mess is going to get worse.I don't think any of us think this is just going to stir itself into a fix at this point. Those are my thoughts. Only worth 2cents, of course. I know we only get part of the picture. Hugs regardless. I think you write from the mess in your heart, and I truly hope you find the pureness there instead of mess.

  5. Hugs to you for the pain you are in.

  6. Dear HS - I'm so glad that other people have said things that made sense to me, and I can only hope mabye to you too - I always want to say something and helpful and never can find anything except to send hugs, and send you light, and love.

    But - they're right about the stroke. Even if it was a small one, it's likely to affect his personality and his emotions, and for sure he's not likely to be "himself" right away. I have to add my voice here. His judgment is likely to be off - for you to rely on it is shaky - please do whatever you need to do, but take care of yourself.

    Still sending hugs and all - :)


  7. You have been thru such a difficult time..i am so sorry for you. HUGS...abby

  8. Thank you all so very much for all of your comments and for taking the time to write them. I cried when I read them.He is angry with me, but that does not mean to say that he has done anything in anger at all...he has not.
    He is not even exerting any control,or doing anything to to put me in any danger or anything really. sweet kk, i think your advice about breathing is good, but its so hard. And if his judgment is off, then I will see what happens.
    I have decided that I am going to be honest with him, I am going to write him an email and tell him everything, tell him exactly what I think and what I feel and then wait and see what happens.