We talked this morning, well he talked and I cried. He talked some more and I cried some more.
He has read my email, and he has talked about being ill, about the stroke and how when he was all alone in that white room, he was frightened, how he thought about what would happen if he died........and he was scared.
He has left a letter with his brother, telling him what to do if I am not home, about getting me home and all the stuff that follows.
He told me that he had not given me 100% of the information that he had had, because he didn't
want to worry me.......he still doesn't understand the more information I have the less worried I am, but its a start.
I think he read my email, and I think he feels that he has read it carefully enough to be able to glean all the information he needs from it............but I suppose men and women speak different languages................I tried to be open and up front, but I guess some of the unspoken things, some of the things written "between the lines" that would have been picked up by a woman, have been missed.
Maybe its my fault for not making myself clearer, maybe I should have made sure that this morning I made it clear, or maybe I just expect too much.
Or maybe it is the case, that he has read and understood perfectly and decided to do things he was he thinks is right, to give me what he thinks is best for me. He told me that he is not angry with me at all, and he is doing what he believes is best. I tried to suggest that maybe it was a good time, to just step back, to back off, to give him and his wiring some time to straighten out the kinks, establish correct connections again, but he was adamant that this was not going to happen, that he needed to be in control, as much for his own benefit as for mine.
He reminded me that I am his, he owns me, and although he will listen to me, I have no choice.
And so that is where we stand.
I have given up banging my head against a wall.
I have given up trying to make him see...make him understand.
There is no more fight in me.