A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Sunday, 13 March 2011

Banging my head against a brick wall

We talked this morning, well he talked and I cried. He talked some more and I cried some more.
He has read my email, and he has talked about being ill, about the stroke and how when he was all alone in that white room, he was frightened, how he thought about what would happen if he died........and he was scared.

He has left a letter with his brother, telling him what to do if I am not home, about getting me home and all the stuff that follows.

He told me that he had not given me 100% of the information that he had had, because he didn't
want to worry me.......he still doesn't understand the more information I have the less worried I am, but its a start.

I think he read my email, and I think he feels that he has read it carefully enough to be able to glean all the information he needs from it............but I suppose men and women speak different languages................I tried to be open and up front, but I guess some of the unspoken things, some of the things written "between the lines" that would have been picked up by a woman, have been missed.

Maybe its my fault for not making myself clearer, maybe I should have made sure that this morning I made it clear, or maybe I just expect too much.

Or maybe it is the case, that he has read and understood perfectly and decided to do things he was he thinks is right, to give me what he thinks is best for me. He told me that he is not angry with me at all, and he is doing what he believes is best. I tried to suggest that maybe it was a good time, to just step back, to back off, to give him and his wiring some time to straighten out the kinks, establish correct connections again, but he was adamant that this was not going to happen, that he needed to be in control, as much for his own benefit as for mine.

 He reminded me that I am his, he owns me, and although he will listen to me, I have no choice.

And so that is where we stand.

I have given up banging my head against a wall.

I have given up trying to make him see...make him understand.

There is no more fight in me.


  1. <3 HS, I hope that the information and answers come soon. Ive enjoyed following your blog to this point, but when things started to fall apart my heart broke for you... Much Love, Thinking of you.

  2. OF course, because pulling the turtle shell around you is your pattern. You are good at it. In many odd ways, it may even feel comfortable. I believe in you regardless of what he wants and needs. You will find what you want and need. I know you are listening to your voice. YOU HAVE A VOICE. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know there will be peace. You will own that for yourself. Hugs. I hope there's a lovely something for you to enjoy for you today. You are a special person.

  3. It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on Him right now to get better. Maybe you could just be patient and allow Him time to get better ... Sometime knowing more helps you but what would help HIM right now? After all isn't TTWD about our Doms wants, needs, & desires. Maybe He isn't ready or even able to help you understand everything that is going on with Him. I would suggest that you ask what kind of stroke He had and do some research on your own. There are different levels of severity and maybe knowing what you can do to help Him recover will help you feel as though you are fulfilling your duties as HIS slave.

    Sometimes with Daddy and His heart issues I find that if I am just there with Him in any way I can be that it's enough to help Him grow stronger and get better faster. I feel for you so much as I know how hard it is to deal with a sickly Dom. They can be so whiny when they are sick.

    Feel free to email me via my profile if you need to talk more!!!

    Lil' Heaven

  4. I really hope things get better for you soon. It sounds like you have been having a hell of a time lately.

  5. Submissive little one...thank you for your kindness and comments, I hope that things get better soon, I am trying very hard to accept what I cannot change.

    sweetsassyT.....your comment about turtle shell made me laugh...so true..something nice did happen. the little black cat was waiting for me when I got home.

    Lil Heaven......."They can be so whiny when they are sick." i loved this comment. It is difficult to look after him from 8,000 miles away! however, I do get the point you are trying to make....his brain seems partially fried........Its just working out how to rewire the neuron pathways again, the problems lie more with me than with him, not the head problems , but the "understanding whats going on " problems.

    Lil...thanks for the hugs...I'm still standing.