A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Friday, 25 March 2011

lost exposed and vulnerable

On a happy note he had a check up at the hospital yesterday, and all seems to be going well...the loss of memory and the searching for words is normal  and should improve with time. The neurologist is pleased with his progress and he has to go back again in ten weeks...so that is something to be very happy about.

Today we talked again...and again he seems to have no understanding of what is going on in my head. He knows that I am unhappy, he knows that things are not good, and yet his words to me yesterday left me in no doubt at all that he will not change anything. He told me that there are only two options......one is if I were to die, another is if he were to sell me (which he has said he will never do) and so that is that.

The sexy underwear episode was an opportunity for him to take some new photos of me, another opportunity for him to exert his control, to make him feel good, to make me feel submissive...instead I felt vulnerable, exposed and violated...this is not right

His words  were clear..........you will do as I say, you will do as you are told, you will do things that please me, these are the rules and you will follow them....

I thought today about what aisha  had said about light............and she is right, it should bring happiness and joy, a lightness to your soul.....and as I looked in the mirror.........I saw the happiness seeming out of me...........filled with a bleakness, an emptiness and sadness.........and there seems to be nothing he can do to stop it.........but maybe I am preventing him.

When we were talking I reminded him that this is what I said would happen when I came back....I told him how hard I would find it, how difficult it would be, how much I would miss him, and how I would be living a half life".
I wish it were a half life, I wish it were that good. I want the day to end each day so I can sleep, so I don't have to think, but when I sleep my mind is filled with nightmares, wakefulness and tears.

I am a mess.

I got in my car today, and I drove and drove and drove until I was lost, I turned down every small road and track I could until I had no idea where I was or how I could get back, I sat there and waited........
I wondered if being physically lost would somehow make the feeling of emotional "lostness" go, if it would disappear, if being lost somewhere, unknown, no one knowing where I was would give me peace.........it didn't................and I drove more and more....... further away......and wished I didn't ever have to go back...........I had my passport and I just wanted to keep driving...........but I couldn't but come back I did.................and I guess there is music I have to face.........but really I just want it all to be finished.


  1. In my heart, i'm with you there. Not saying much, just there. Maybe we'll have a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine.

    You'll find your way, in your own way and time.

    You know - I do need to say this - you know that just because he says it, doesn't make it true, right? "It" - anything - is only as true as you make it.



  2. aisha,I have tried the wine.......a cup of tea would be lovely.
    Sadly aisha, nothing feels true anymore except emptiness, but thank you.HSxx

  3. Hello hidden slave!

    This is the saddest post I have read anywhere for a long time. My heart became very heavy reading it. For me, the sad part of it is that you seem to be involving yourself with a man who does not know how to care for your well-being, and you seem to want to stay involved. It seems to me that if you wanted out, you would get out.

    I am not sure whether you are trying to put his interests first, but if you are, that is a mistake. The one person that can look after you infallibly is yourself. If you cannot care for yourself, you cannot help anyone else. The most important, permanent person in your life is you.

    You wrote: "His words were clear..........you will do as I say, you will do as you are told, you will do things that please me, these are the rules and you will follow them...."

    If you agreed with this, that would be fine; but your whole psyche is disagreeing and doesn't want to do it, and since you cannot be forced to do as he says, it's hard to see why you are submitting.

    Also you are wallowing in self-pity. It isn't helping you. Happiness is an inside job, it comes from you not from him or anyone else. You have to make the decision to be happy, without that decision you will not change your mood.
    You are even looking to him to solve your problem, he isn't able to and from where I am sitting it looks like he isn't willing to try anything except re-asserting that you will follow his rules. That's not working, not doing you any good because your heart is not in it.

    First and foremost, before being a slave, you are a human being, as member of the race of which I am also a member. That comes before assuming the position of slave. If being a slave interferes with your humanity, your well-being and your ability to live a happy life, then it should be abandoned. No-one really owns you. No person owns another person. It's a fun game to add to the joy of life. It's an illusion you are trying to keep up when it is plain it isn't adding to the joy of life.

    Dear girl, you have it in you to live a happy life. Your material circumstances are adequate, much more so than most people on this Earth. Your inner, spiritual qualities are yours and always will be yours, to nurture and develop. Spending the time moping is simply a waste of the opportunity offered by life on this Earth.

    I comment on your blog, and others too of course, in the belief that people write blogs in order to put their life out for others to comment on. They may also have other reasons, but that’s certainly one. I am assuming that you genuinely want to know what others have to say about your life. I hope I am not mistaken there!

  4. Actually there is a third option. It's not just you dying or being sold, you take your power back. Seriously big hugs...


  5. HS - after following your painful journey for some time now, i must agree with mouse... at least consider it... because it seems that your current situation saddens you so greatly.

    my thoughts are with you... please be good to yourself.


  6. Thank you mouse, kk and Malcolm for your comments.
    You are all right, however looking back over some of my pot recently, apart from squirming at the self pity and general overall patheticness of my writing, I do think that what I have written has not given credit to him for trying to help sort our relationship out. He has been undeniably patient and kind, supportive and gentle. He has tried everything that he can to make me feel loved, wanted and cared for, and without any doubt I do.
    It has never been the case of his using "brute force and ignorance" to try to control me or to manage the relationship.
    The problem lies in the fact that I just cannot live THIS life where I have two or three weeks with him a year for the next two years, I just can't do it, and to have the rest of the time spent on the computer. I know other people can, but I cant, I need physical affection, I need to be held.
    He thinks that how things are now are better than being alone.........what he doesnt undertand, and I can't make him , is that for me this is worse.
    Malcolm, yes my blog is out there, and I do welcome comments, yours was direct and honest, and from where I stand written with the very best of intentions.
    You are right,I am very fortunate, I have so much, and for that I am grateful, and I often remind myself of this and I do appreciate everything I have, the opportunities I have had in life and I hope that I give back some of what I have been given.
    Self pity is not a pleasant or attractive personality trait, and it is not something I generally embrace, the comment about happiness from within is accurate and has made me think.
    Thank you

  7. Hi..my heart goes out to you. i can truly relate to these intense feelings of sadness you're going through related to the distance thing. Only you know what you can and cannot handle, do and don't want. It seems you are in the midst of figuring things out, and that is painful but the best most courageous place you can be.



  8. your response to my comment made tears start in my eyes.

  9. Well...can I ask...? Why two years? What's the hold up? With all respect, truly.

  10. Malcolm, Your comment made me cry, and the bit that really did it to me? ....."Dear girl"....thank you for your comments,I will be ok:)

  11. k.....thank you for your comment and taking the time to write, I am in the middle of things, and I suppose it seems so painful as I have poured my heart out here, hoping that writing it down will help me. Thank you for the hugs.

  12. Anonymous........thank you for your question...the two years is a question of commitments, postings, contracts and following through with what I am committed to.