First of all I want to thank all of you that took the time to read my last post and then to post comments on my blog, I have read them all several times and am thinking about what you said, it is always good to get a different perspective than your own on something, and so for that and your words of love and support I am very very grateful.
Someone talked about issues from my past, we all have issues and things left over from previous lives, but I do know that I have addressed these, they are long in my past; they have been examined, taken apart, examined more, considered and decided if I should keep them as memories or not. Some of them I discarded, some are there , buried deep inside me, but I know where they are and how they feel, and they are there to serve as a reminder of what is not good for me, what is not right, what I don't ever have to put up with again in my life. I know that my head is well and truly screwed on in the right direction. I know like all of us, that there are things I could do better or cope with better, or face, not procrastinate about, but those are all part of what makes me me. Some of those are things that my owner has identified and we have talked about and we have worked on and continue to do so as he has decided what is best for me.
We talked again a little last night, but his head was sore and I had a very late night from work and so it just wasnt a good time. This morning I was awake at four, and he was there, and so we talked.
He is so good to me, he really is, very kind and understanding. He says he is trying to understand what is happening in my head. He also says that to a large extent that it is his fault, if he had not loosened his control then I would not be feeling lost. He tries to get me to talk about it, to get me to talk about how I feel, and I know I should "off " the edit button (mouse:)), but I did and this is where it all began to fall apart.
I do feel lost.
I do feel adrift.
He said to me, it won't be long until you are back in my arms again.
And it is true...in a life time of time...it will only be five more months...probably...maybe six...but no more than that. So in a life time its not much, and I do know what he means, but what I cannot get my head round is that when I go home and I am with him, I still have to come back here again, and then it may be a year till I get to go back...that's just the way things are, and for me that is the problem.
This half life, that it what it is.......its a half life, I am living a life that is incomplete, that will be incomplete until I am with him, and how can I do that?
I know that what has been said is very true, that it is up to him to look after me. He is my owner, it is his job, and I do know this and believe it.
But the reality is that I am not sure I can live it like that for the next two and an half years.
Without him I am incomplete,
Without him I am less than whole.
I want him to fix it, I want it with all my heart, but I am scared he cant.