I remember getting on the plane, and I remember pulling the blanket over my head and wanting to be left alone and crying silently for hours as each moment took me further away from him, I looked out of the window occasionally and could see the landscape changing, recognising big landmarks and knowing everything was slipping away.
Eventually I got to the first stopover place and I text him, straight away he text back, all I said was hello, because I did not know what else to say. he text me that he was glad I had text and to let him know when I landed again.
When I finally got home I was tired, so very tired, so very sad and felt like I had left half of me behind.
I know that he had told me that I wasn't released, but telling him how I felt, how I was scared, had taken so much from me, not because he is difficult to talk to, far from it, it was because before I spoke I had had to face it myself and think about it all and decide if what I was saying was the truth or if it was just a way out, and I truly believed that it was the truth.
I had twelve hours before I went back to work and I wanted to curl up somewhere dark and loose myself in the darkness, I wanted to wrap myself in his clothes and smell his smell, I wanted to recall all the times we had spent together, the words, the actions , the feeling.............but instead my misery was like white noise filling my head. and my self pity was all encompassing.
I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to be with him, I'm afraid I wanted to get back on the plane and go back to him, but knew I could not. I wanted to be able to look at him and not see the hurt and anger in his eyes...what I wanted was not to feel like I felt.
The problem was I was angry, I was angry at everything; at him, at the world, at my job, but most of all at my self. I was angry that I was in a position whereby I had to tell him the truth, I was angry that I had told him and then I was angry that when he had said to me that actually I wasn't released that I hadn't said something then.
I went online to speak to him, and the only way I decided that I could cope with this was to do what he wanted, to be his slave still, to do as I was told, to switch everything off, to become detached from it all, from him, but most of all from myself.
And so this is where I have been for the last few weeks.........in a cold and barren place where there is no reaction to anything, no reaction to him ,no feeling, I am polite, I do as I am told .
He has been gentle, he has been kind and patient. He has tried talking to me, but I am unwilling and unable to be open about what I feel, I can't tell him.
There have been moment when things have been easier, the atmosphere lighter, where we have enjoyed each others company again, but they are few and far between. When I feel too vulnerable I close back down again, I have put up such a huge wall, that now it is all I can see.
The other day he told me to do something, something silly and I told him outright "Its fucking stupid, I'm not doing it".
And rightly he was very angry at me, but he was more angry that I thought I could say no, and so I was punished, but I did not cry, I would not cry and I have not said sorry. I know he is still waiting for me to say it, and I won't say it until I mean it.
He has been kind to me and spent hours trying to get me to talk, but I have so little to say. He has made me cum for him and it just makes me cry, so while I am cumming I am crying, which is not what he wants at all.
He wants me to be happy, he wants me to be safe, he is doing what he thinks is best for me, for him, for both of us together......................and at the moment I am not sure. I know it is not my place to decide these things but .......
How do I tell him how I feel........................how do I begin to tell him how much I love him and wish I could be with him to my last breath.....but how I don't know if I can bear to be apart from him in the meantime. He has told me i don't need to do the whole"self preservation thing" that is his job.
I can't eat.I can' sleep.............Its a mess and so am I.