A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Saturday, 26 February 2011

Wishing I could freeze time

the alarm went off, but we were both awake anyway. the morning was more awful than the night before. he asked me to make him a cup of tea, which I did and then I gave it to him and stood at the side of the bed, not knowing what to do.
He had said I was still his, one half of me was so relieved, he would know what I should do and the other half of me was so angry that he hadn't listened to me, hadn't see my pain, .
He pulled me into his arms and told me that he knew I didn't want to be with him(untrue), but he had spent all night thinking about it and he was right to say no, he couldn't let me walk away, he couldn't let me throw it all away, he was doing what was right for me, and how could he let me go away feeling so lost, so alone. He would consider things when I was away, we would discuss things, the future , and all it entailed when I was back on the underside of the world, but for now I was his slave, I belonged to him and I would do as I was told.

I was cried out,,,,,,,I was numb.

I didn't want to be free,,its not freedom anyway..............but I felt I couldn't cope with this either.
I lay in his arms, savouring each and every moment, trying to get his smell deep inside me, to keep and treasure it, something to hold onto.
He kissed me and I cried, he touched me and I cried louder. I wanted him to love me, but I felt so unlovable, I felt so cruel, I felt he couldn't see what was happening to me. I loved him so much.........
we made love, that sad soulful love making, that parting love making, that gives you no pleasure...just gives solace. but mine was a cruel kind of solace.

And on that cold February morning we drove to the airport and he asked me if I wanted him to come inside....................I still wanted to say no, but in my silence he said "I'm coming".

We parked the car, and he sent me to get my trolley for the bags, which made me smile sadly.He took me to check in and we went to get a drink, and I sat in a cold  departure hall, my whole life falling apart.

He talked to me, in a calm quiet voice,, about what I am, how I should behave, what I should do, and it felt like he was talking about someone else.

It was time for me to leave, he walked me toward the security, and he wrapped hid arms around me , and I stood as I have done a thousand times, with my head on his chest, and I felt frozen in time, the world was rushing around me, and  we were in middle............... standing still.

I once more clung to him,I wanted to fall to my knees at his feet and beg him to keep me there, safe.....I wanted to hear him say that he would tell them I could not come back.
But...................... instead I had to pull out of his arms.. I couldn't speak........I looked him in the eyes, and touched my heart and then turned and walked away.

I tired not to turn around after security, I really did, but I couldn't help it........and he was there, where I left him, just watching.


  1. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry.

  2. this is so awful hun, i am truely sorry for what you are going through, part of me is saying stay with Him and enjoy what you B/both have got, and another part of me is saying you are doing the right thing for yourself, i dont envy you going through this right now.

    blossom xx

  3. Your pain is so primal and I am so sorry you are suffering. I hope that you some how find solace and are able to work through this. I do not know what decision is best for you. I wish I did so that I could help you. I only know that what is best is not always what is right and vice versa. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  4. Thank you for your comments, support and kind words sbf, blosson and Aeon's angel.it not easy...I know if I was with him now, he would have sorted it out, but thats half the problem.HSxx