I hadn't realised how much time had gone by since I last posted. So much has happened. I have been sick. Not the usual type of sick when you have a cold or something like that, hazards of the location I guess.
I had not been feeling well for a few days, unable to function at all well, tired, headache, aching bones, thought I was coming down with flu, then the fever got higher and higher and higher, until it hit 40C, and I felt worse and worse and worse....
Getting out of bed was enough to tire me out so much I needed to sleep, brushing my teeth was exhausting....finally went to see someone about it, thinking maybe it was Mono, only to find I had picked up a couple of strains of typhoid.....holy crap did I feel bad. I have slept like the dead for a week, I have started to feel better, done some things and been wiped out again.
But now finally I am well on the mend, feeling like a human being again, alive and getting back to normal , although it will take a while , but thank goodness for antibiotics I am now feeling like I may like Christmas after all.
On a completely different note altogether, I had spoken to "the man" again and told him that I no longer wanted to talk to him at all, that it was non productive, pointless and just prolonging the agony for us both, so he was very sad, but agreed. and then last week when I was beginning to feel much better I had a call from him. He told me that it wasn't working for him, he needed to speak to me and that he had something he wanted to say. So much for him listening to me, I started to tell him, to tell him how I did not think that he was being fair, or honest or that he was listening to me, that I hadn't made any rash decisions etc etc etc and through all of this came the words "I want you to marry me"....talk about stopping me in my tracks.
There was a long, very long pause and He said "you don't have to tell me now".
So I didn't.
So why now? What about the baby? The lies? the dishonesty?
I called him last night, and very calmly without giving any explanation I just said that I could not and would not marry him.
He tried to ask me why, and i said to him"Because that is my decision".
Oh I was so proud of myself.
I told him I would say hello on Christmas morning , but I was not going to discuss my decision and that I do not want to keep being asked to talk to him. It is over.
And I put down the phone and I wept and wept like a teenager with a broken heart.
It was the right thing to do, and I am relieved.