I have been thinking this last few days about what is going on in my head, and why it is that I feel the need to make such a stand, and what it is exactly, I am making a stand against. This is some of my thinking what I have thunk......
The first thing that has really hurt me and upset me to the very core is the fact that he has lied to me. I know that as my owner he could do exactly what he liked without me and it should be no concern of mine, but the truth of the matter is, that when he has brought another person into the world, for whom he is responsible then it becomes my concern. The reason I feel this is that it will have an impact on my life, on our lives and on him. And so it is my concern. That does not mean I feel the need to have anything to do with his friend or their baby, I don't feel an overwhelming need to see the baby or her. However, I do hope that she is aware of me and what he has done, because she should be, if only so she is going into this with her eyes well and truly open, that doesn't mean that I will find her and tell her, because I won't, I don't need to, but I would hope that he will.
The thing that has hurt me the most is the trust thing...I have written about this before and will not be going over it again, but, once you have lost someones trust on something like this, how can you ever expect to have enough trust placed in you to be allowed to do what we have done previously...its not going to happen. he was meant to have my best interest at heart and he didn't. That's the truth of the matter.
I started this post a few days ago, and I just couldn't get it going...I didn't know what it was I was really wanting to say, where it was going.
I had a text from him telling me to go online. So I text and said I was going out and would be on later.
Eventually when I spoke to him, he was angry and snapping at me, telling me to turn the camera on, which I refused to do on the grounds that I would not be told, but when he asked I did do it. I think he looked as awful as I do.
I told him how his treats had made me feel, how I had worried about what he had written, about how hurt I felt and what I was feeling. He made no reference to the email I had sent, and so in the end I brought it up, and he said he had not received it as he was having difficulties with his emails.
I did not believe him.............I just didn't
so I said that I would send it later and that I was going. He told me I was rude and how he couldn't read how I was feeling or what was going on in my head, and that he was not used to that and it was leaving him feeling at a loss. I told him I was a going and I would send it and I said goodbye and left.
My heart sank, had I done the right thing? Had I put myself at such a risk of being outed? What was going to happen.
I waited 24 hours and then I got a text asking me to tell him when I was going to bed sand please could i go online and talk to him.
He was there when I signed in, he looked even worse. He told me that he had written a long email to me, and that he would send it when he had said goodbye.
I have loved him like I have never loved anyone. I wanted to run to him, to be in his arms, to be held by him, to hear his voice, to feel his control, to be his.
To have the right to love some one is something special, to live this life is in many ways more special, and trust is the key issue............and it is not there.
And so I told him, it was over, I told him I loved him, that I will always love him, but I cannot stay, I cannot be his.
I told him I would read his email and I would speak to him in a few days, when I was ready. I took back all the control I had given him, all of it. I said goodbye and I left.
I sat for a long time looking at my laptop, wondering when I would read it, if I could read it. I did read it and I read the truth. I read my pain reflected in each word, each phrase. He is a wordsmith, more than I will ever be, but it was an outpouring of pain, divided loyalties and honesty. I read two lives falling apart. I read what I knew to be the truth, and a whole other lot of truths, some I knew and some I didn't. I found out some good things and I found out some bad things.
There are two things of which I am certain.
I have made the right decision.
I love him
And now I just have to learn to live with that decision and sort out the consequences. So I am taking a deep breath, I am enjoying the setting sun and working out what happens next, and what I say to him and how to live with the truth.