Sending an email

I have sent him an email, asking him if he can talk to me, That I have something to tell him, I got a message saying he will be 15 minutes....so now I have 14 minutes to take that breath and the leap.
Oh 13 minutes..........

Unable to tell him

Just when you think you have things figured out, just when you think are in a place that is safe and calm; something happens. Someone says something or does something and it changes how you view things.

Today I got an email and then I got a phone call...and it said...

"You have holiday....we have booked you a flight in the middle of July,,,,,,six weeks leave".

I felt sick, and then I burst into tears, and then I felt sick again.

And now my emotions are all over the place, I am going home.....I'm going home, yes I am, H O M E

And I have to tell him now that I am coming home, and for some reason I just cant do it,  and i don't know why.

I know he will be happy.
I know he will be excited
But I don't know why I cant tell him.

So here I sit, withe the little black cat, wanting desperately to tell him, but unable to.

Aisha and today

Sometimes we have a wake up call; sometimes we see it somewhere, or hear it in an overheard conversation, or we read a phrase somewhere that is like an electric shock to our conscious, sometimes a memory comes floating back to us, or sometimes its there in a dream, a wispy memory when we wake, that we fight to hold onto and recall, and then the wake up call hits us like a mallet.

Last night I dreamt of a friend who had died, she was in my dream, trying to show me something, trying to explain something, but in my dream I couldn't see it clearly.

When I woke, it was the middle of the night, dark and stormy outside, with rolls of thunder pouring across the sky, flashes of lightning in the distance, illuminating the towering thunder clouds for brief flashes.
I sat outside for a while and watched it, my knees pulled up, my head resting on my chin, hugging myself, thinking about my friend and wondering what it had been that she was trying to show me, feeling slightly sorry for myself. The little black cat came and joined me, so she sat on my lap and we watched the storm together, watched it slowly rolling out to sea and far away, the last rumbles fading into the distance.

Then I turned on my computer, and there was the sad news about aisha Mom, my heart went out to her, wishing there was something I could do to make it not hurt for her.

I am lucky to still have both my parents living, although I have a very difficult relationship with my mum, she is still there, I pretend to myself that I will not be that sad when she dies, but in reality I know I will, because it will be my mum, and I will have lost the chance of ever having a good relationship.

I went back to sleep and once more I dreamt about my friend, and this time I saw the thing she was holding, it was a book...................an open book and on every page was just one word....."today" with a blank space under it, she turned the pages and each page was the same, and she smiled at me and closed the book.

When I woke up, it was as clear as if she had been sitting next to me, I didn't feel sad, I just felt happy to have seen her again. I lay there and thought about it, about her, our friendship and the memories we had, and I smiled, sadly some of the time, but happily too.  I thought of the word "today", and that was my wake up call...what was I doing with my "Today"?

Was it going to be meaningful and productive, would today be a day when I made a difference somewhere, what would it be? It doesn't mean that I need to list it, or even talk about it, but I do need to think about it. It doesnt mean that if each day is not meaningful I should beat myself up about it, but I should think about it.

When I turned on my laptop, there was a post from aisha ( http://beingaisha.wordpress.com/2011/06/04/the-silver-lining/ )

Even in her sadness and loss,she managed to find a silver lining; what an amazing woman her mother must have been to brought up someone who has such an open, positive outlook on life.

It made me think.

I will call my mum.

Open and vulnerable

The morning, he appeared online, just out of the blue, I wasn't expecting him and I was half asleep, having been kept up most of the night by a huge tropical storm.

"Get your toy slave, the big one".

I was not feeling needy or sexy or excited or even particularly obedient, but I huffed my way to the bag and got the toy.

"Open you legs slave and show me your cunt"
So, I did as I was told, and showed him my cunt.

"Put the toy in slave and fuck yourself"
So I put the toy in and fucked myself.

"Cum for me slave".
So I came for him.

And then the connection got cut...............and I was left there, exposed, open , vulnerable, used and alone.
And I waited there for him to come back, and I waited and waited, not knowing what to do, not knowing.......

And he came back............................ finally....................and I was a mess.

I couldn't tell him what was wrong, I just didn't know what to say. I knew he would come back, but I didn't know when.

That's what I hate about being " far far away".

I wonder if I click my heals together...."There's no place like home, theres no place like home".

Nope.................................... not working.
Oh well

Missing

I just had a message from him to say that he has to work all day tomorrow and most likely he will be unavaialbe on Sunday too...sometimes this happens, sometimes it is just the way it is.

But I will miss him, miss him saying goodnight, making sure I go to sleep. I will miss hearing his voice, oh hell I will just miss him....but he will be back on Monday or Tuesday.

Oh sigh.

Maybe I will do something useful with my time.

He holds the key

This morning he took me somewhere special. He took me to that place I love to be, but a place he holds the key to.

He let me go there, watching me as I went, sent by his actions, his words, the feelings he filled me with.
He watched me as I sat there before him, knowing he was there, able to see him, but not seeing him, able to hear him, but not hearing him, knowing that I was there because he let me, floating in that gentle subspace, the one filled with happiness, with calmness,submission and  completeness.

The subspace that you ease back from, floating as if falling gently through a cloud, knowing that your landing wil be safe, controlled, comfortable and gentle.

And landing, knowing he was there waiting for me, knowing I am cared for, loved.

Feeling his control

I was right about there being something in the air....last night when he came online I could see the glint in his eye, his mind turning.

"You know don't you slave?"
"Oh yes Sir I know"
'You know its not to punish you, you know its just to remind you, about my control, about who and what you are...its not to hurt you?"
"Yes Sir"

So last night after kneeling for a while, he had me slowly undress for him, and as each piece of clothing came off, he examined me,commenting on what he could see. About how soft my skin looked, how he liked my tan, how he liked the way my hair was falling onto my neck. He liked the contrast of my black bra against my skin. When he checked my nipples and the bars, he commented on how happy it makes him to see the symbol of his ownership in my body, the words written around my nipples. He spoke about my cunt, how it was wet, and swollen slightly.

By the time he had finished I was almost purring with happiness and squirming with pleasure.

He told me to collect the small thin cane and two pegs. I had to run the cane over my nipples, and as they became harder and more erect, he had me squeeze and pinch then, pulling them. and then.........
"....get the pegs and peg the cane to your nipples, put the nipple on top of the cane and then peg it, then put your hood on".
As I did the first one, it slipped and I yelped,
"Do it carefully slave".

Again I tried and then began to breathe deeply as the pain flowed through me, the cane firmly attached to my nipples, he had me put the hood on and told me all I was to think about was his voice, that the pain was not important, nothing other than him was important, all I had to think about was him.
And then I had to put my hands behind my back and the pull on my nipples must have made me flinch or gasp.

"The pain is nothing, it is me that you think about, I am the only thing, no pegs no cane, no pain, just me "

And his voice filled my head, the pain subsided and I thought of him, of him looking at me, watching me, enjoying what he saw, knowing he was happy was what became important.

And then one of the pegs pinged off..and I wanted to put it back on for him, but he told me to pull the other one off and cane my nipples five times each, and to do it quickly.

Without thinking I canned them, and waited for him to comment..............he told me to make myself cum.........my cunt was dripping and I came so fast,the orgasm ripping through my body, and as I was cumming he told me to pull the hood off.

After i had cum I stayed there on the floor, kneeling before my owner, waiting for him to talk, unable to look at him , feeling submissive......and he started again, looking at my body, commenting on how it looked now, how he had enjoyed using me , how I was his.

When he had finished, I had to get the cane and the rope, then tying the rope around myself under my tits, I had to tie the cane to myself, criss-crossing the rope around me to ensure that the cane stayed where he wanted it, under my tits.

So for last night I slept with the cane tied to me, tied to my tits, to remind me that it can be used on me, to remind me that whatever he wants to do...he can. And surprisingly , I slept very well, apart from waking once, I slept through the night and  I woke  when he called me, I once again knelt before him and removed the rope and cane, and expecting the pegs again, I waited, not wanting to do it, they were tender and a little sore, but knowing that I would do as he asked. I felt completely under his control, submissive, ready to please him.

The pegs were there, the rope was there, the cane was there...............but once again he examined me, talking about what he saw, commenting on what made him happy.

"Now tell me slave, how do you feel?"

And I thought for a moment , and I thought some more and I had just three words, "Submissive Sir, owned".

"Oh slave you should see the smile on your face".

And he made me lay down on the floor and make myself cum for him, and as I came I was filled with such feeling of submission I asked him if I could be allowed to lie in "my place", face down on the floor, arms behind my back, ankles crossed.

He chuckled and said "Oh course slave, its where you belong, you may get up when you are ready".


And I lay there for about twenty minutes, floating away on a wave of happiness and submission, my mind filled with thought of him, how I can make him happy, how I can be a better slave for him and how I love him.

And when I sat up, he was smiling at me, his glasses on the end of his nose, and I knew he had been reading, waiting for me.

And it felt how it should be...two sides of the coin. two separate people.... one entity.

"Now my slave . off you go and enjoy your last day off, what ever you want, do whatever you want".

 And what I wanted filled my head "And no slave that does NOT included kneeling the in front of me, I'm going to bed, go have fun".

And he sent me away, with a virtual pat on the arse............oh sigh.