him, me and the box of tricks

We have had a difficult few days, my heart belongs to him, as does the rest of me, but I am pulled in different directions by family and fiends. I need to see them to and he knows this, he knows I need to and he wants me to, but he wants me to be with him too.

He sends me off to see them, giving me a free rein, but then gets snappy when I don't send him text, or call to let him know whats going on.

Its always difficult, this telling him. half of me likes it, the control, his need to be in charge, his concern that I am ok, and yet still the other half of me whats to tell him that I am more than capable to look after myself, plan a route, know where I am going, to be bale to change my plans and "go with the flow".

Sometimes I hate having to text him when things change. Its not as if he wants to really change things himslef, he just wnts to be kept "in the picture". So we have a had a few days where he has been frustrated to say the least, lack of coverage from mobile phone where I am is adding to it.

He has put his foot down and we are going away for a week, just the two of us to some remote cottage somewhere, we leave tomorrow......I love my friends and family, but I see his point; just him and me...we him and me and the box of tricks............

lying in his arms

There is nothing better...apart from being at his feet, knowing I have made him happy.


In oh so many ways...................I am home.

arrived

jet lag...............ergh...will be human in a day or two and will post. Thank you for your good wishes for a safe journey. we nearly ran out of runway on take off only about 50 feet to spare....makes life interesting :)

How do I........?......Chocolate fantasy.....drool

Reading Florida Dom's post the other day (http://floridadomscorner.blogspot.com/2011/07/belated-birthday.html) reminded me that sometime ago I read a similar post about bloggers disappearing and how to leave post dated posts when you are away, or to let people know you are ok.

I am off home in a few days and would like to leave a post, but for the life of me I cannot remember  who posted this very useful post...if it was you...please can you tell me, or if you remember who it was, please can you point me in the right direction and then I can avail myself of this service:)

If for some reason I don't get any advice, or a shove in the right direction, which I can't imagine happening here in blogland, then after Thursdays post there may be a few days without posting due to traveling on a metaphorical slow boat from China, jet lag and a welcome home from my lovely family, friends and owner, although not in that order.

And my hands may be full of ......English chocolate, Nando chicken, tasty Grannery bread with English butter, strawberries fresh from the garden, a glass of wine, a bacon sandwich in thick white bread, Cadbury's chocolate buttons and a very crisp English apple...oh yum.

Must stop salivating and think about how to do a post dated post...all advice gratefully received...mmmmm Galaxy chocolate....droool

It is not a good idea to tell your owner that he is harrassing you

The last few days have been filled with frustration. My passport has gone" walk about". I have been promised it will be back when I need it, but I am beginning to get a little anxious, well more than a little anxious, in fact, I am chomping at the bit. I have not got to the stamping my foot bit yet, but will be there soon.

 Then my back account has had something funny (as in peculiar, most definitely not amusing) happen to it, and I cannot get any money out unless I present myself to the bank with my ID card and my Passport(see above)...so life is a little trying at present.

Add to that communication has been difficult with my owner, My laptop has been in for repair and so I have have had to rely on my phone, which would have been fine, except I broke my old one and bought a new one, which is an Android phone. Anyone over 40 should not be given a new phone and be expected to be able to use it within the next week...OMG...its driving me crazy.

My owner has got very frustrated, I have missed calls, missed phone dates etc etc. I was given a big lecture about being there when I was told to be.

I told him that he was harassing me...oh dear that did not go down well at all...he was not impressed, at all, in fact I was punished for being rude, being late and generally just being arsy.

I had to stand on tiptoe, facing the wall, with my nipples pegged and keep the sim card from my phone pressed to the wall with my nose, and after thirty minutes of this I was allowed to stop.
Thinking it was over, I started to ask to be allowed to say that I was sorry when he  had me peg my mouth together. Not just one peg, but six pegs. I hate this more than just about anything, and then I had to put the hood on. I was left to think about my behaviour for a while and then he began to give me instructions.

"Bend over and hold your ankles"

"Do star jumps"

"Touch your toes"

More and more instruction followed...from the ridiculous to the demanding to painful and  humiliating.

On and on it went, for hours, on and off. he would stop and start again, pegs on, pegs off, hood on, hood off,...until he asked...

"Do you feel harassed yet slave? "

I didn't know what to answer.

""You are not harassed slave, I tell you to do something and you do it, that is how it is, If I want to phone you every five minutes all night then I can. I would not because it is not in your best interests, but I can, and I would expect you to answer the phone, politely each time. I was trying to get hold of you, I was waiting around for you to respond. That is NOT how it should be. You will not keep me waiting again, without a very good reason, and I expect you to tell me if ANY of your plans have to be changes. Do you understand?"

I was ashamed of how I had been behaving. Instead of talking to him and telling him what was going wrong and how I was feeling, I thought that as there was nothing he could do, I would just get on with it and then lashed out at him when it all went more wrong.

"Go to bed and think about what you have done, and what you should have done, I want an email by 9am telling me what you think. Sleep well slave, remember  love you and that I always want what is best for you. When I have read your email I will talk to you. Goodnight "

And with that i was sent to bed. I cried a little, fumed a little and fell asleep thinking about what to write. I woke early the next morning and wrote him a short email about  what I thought, and with my finger hovering over th esend button, I closed my eyes and pressed it.

I waited and very soon he signed into speak to me.
One word popped up.

"Finished"

 I did not know what it meant...had he finished reading it...what?

He turned the camera on...
"He was smiling at me....."Its finished slave, done with, good girl "

OH sigh, I felt so much better.

He was right, I should have told him, should have given him the opportunity to have his say, offer his advice and opinion, it is not my choice to decide which bits of my life I include him in, all of my life is his.
I am his.

Back on track

Well, where to start?

 There has been little or nothing to write about. Work has been flat out, trying to get ready before I leave, added onto that some extra stuff that I can't even mention so things have been pretty chaotic.

My owner has been very busy too, so we have had snatched phone call, midnight text and half mumbled calls as he or i fall asleep.
The problem with the friend has been resolved, but it really upset me , and he looked after me so carefully, making sure I was ok, able to cope with the added stress of it all at a very busy time, but realizing that I needed more control from him to put me back in a place where things felt more normal, yet knowing that he would have to tread carefully at the same time, so as not to overload me. he is very intuitive, that and he knows me so very well, he knows when to come down hard, when he ease off, when to just listen t me, and when to tell me to stop crying!

The resolution with the friend was relatively quick, she apologized and I forgave her, I am not one to hold a grudge, at all. However, I have found that it has really shaken me, it has made me realise how vulnerable you are when you trust someone, how  easy it is to get very badly hurt and be made to doubt your own judgement. In life this has happened before , and i resolved I would never be trusting again, but some of us, are, by nature, just like that. After ranting on about how I would never trust anyone, how i would be hard like all the other bastard around me etc etc etc, I remained that way for about 36 hours, then i was back to my normal self!...Back to normal....just a little more wary!
He has promised me a lone "playtime" before I leave, I know he is planning to use me hard, to get me to think, to get back in the right frame of mind to be with him,it will probably be tomorrow all things being equal.
Am I looking forward to it?
No
Do I need it?
Yes.

Tonight he is planning something too, but I am not sure what, I will have to wait and see.

busy again

Things are busy, will write later and  replry to commetns too....and get to read other thing:)

a funny thing happened on the way to work today.

Today I had to go to work somewhere different, and its very high security...lots of cameras, x ray blah blah blah. I pinged like mad when I went through...funny...until I got a machine gun pointed at me...not so funny...got sent back to a different machine...this time got let through with a nod and a knowing look...realised it was  a total body scanner thing and what had pinged was my nipple bars...ooops.

Have been working flat out and then not sleeping, so missed a shed load of posting, looking forward to catchin up tomorrow night and reading everything.

falling out with a friend suck

Yesterday at work there was an incident, a misunderstanding. Someone thought that I had kept something from them , which was not he case at all, I had not discussed it in detail with them until it was confirmed, and as it wasn't confirmed I didn't discuss it.
Anyway, the other person went into orbit about it, threw a complete hissy fit and refused to talk to me, I think she felt betrayed. This really was not the case. i called her and then realising she was so upset went to see her, but to no avail, she refused to talk, so I was left feeling hurt, bruised, misunderstood, unjustly accused of something and just generally very shitty. She is my friend, and I think she probably feels the same. She ignored me all day.....her choice not mine, I sent her two text, both ignored. I still had work to do last night, and all I wanted to do was talk to my owner, but it took another two hours before I could call him.

I hate arguments, I hate conflict that is so unproductive and in fact destructive, that does nothing except leave people bruised and shaky............that was how I ended up, sobbing.

I ranted and raved about the injustice of it all, I swore, cussed, bemoaned my fate, and he let me rant on for about 20 minutes or so, he calmed me talked to me, reasoned with me and off I went again.

When I was calmer he sent me to bed, and I tossed and turned all night, no sleep, not a wink...........hasn't made coping with today easier...................I was so glad he was there every time I looked he was there, even though he told me to keep my eyes shut.

What a crap day.

Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day to all my American readers

Playtime...coitus interuptus

This morning was playtime...........he decided it was and so it was.

For the last few weeks I have found playtime difficult, I have just not been in the mood, not feeling wonderfully sexy, or desirable or any of those feelings. And whilst I know that I don't need them to participate, it always makes it more fun, so when he said,"get the toys" , I had to try hard to look enthusiastic and happy. I am not sure I was overly convincing but we started.

He asked me to get the red rope that he likes me to use to make a rope bra, and he had me tie it very slowly and very tightly. He enjoys watching the rope move around my body, watch me pull it through, pulling tighter and tighter, twisting the rope, making the shapes on my body. Watching my breasts swell against the tightening rope, the colour changing and watching the expression on my face. He likes that, watching me frown as I concentrate, how I bite my tongue and check what I have done.

He then told me to dress in a sheer white top and french knickers that he bought for me when I was home, and kneel before him. He got me to focus the camera on my nipples and he talked about what he wanted to do to me, how he was going to take the bars out ,and replace them with rings, and how he was going to get a chain and lead me around the room, and then hang the chain from a hook on the wall that would leave me standing on tiptoes while he uses the cane on my arse.
And I couldn't help it, but my nipples were fighting their way out of the top, he told me to play with them , to rub them and gently pull them and all the time he was watching me.
The toy was next, he had me turn it on and play it just inside my cunt. I tried to ignore it, but it was teasing me, exciting me, making me want to push it in further , to sit down on it.I think he knew
I had to stand up and do a slow strip for him, keeping the toy in my cunt, and once  was naked he allowed me to push it deep inside and i felt the vibrations begin to fill me, to bring me to the edge of cumming, where he kept me, and every time I told him I was about to cum, he had me remove it.
Then I had to play with my nipples again and then return the toy. This went on and on, until I was almost at screaming point, begging to be allowed to cum, pleading with him.

"On the floor slave, in your place".

Oh how it hurt, my swollen breast and nipples pressing hard onto the floor,my cunt throbbing and dripping with longing, but then the pain took my mind off it. It is uncomfortable anyway, but my breasts were so engorged, so swollen , I began to breath heavily, trying to calm myself, trying to focus on the pain, to focus on knowing he he was watching me , listening to me, enjoying looking at what he had ordered me to do.

"Up slave, on your knees"....I was never so glad to get up and smiled at him as I knelt down in front of him.

""Cum for me slave, cum"...and oh I came, all over the place in a blubbering mess of cum and tears and smiles and more tears and pain and happiness.

He was just talking to me as I knelt before him, telling me how pleased he was, how much he had enjoyed himself, and how I looked like I was enjoying myself too, which I was, when I got a call, I had to go, immediately.
Oh holy crap, what a big drop it was. I went into automatic, vapidly removed everything and dressed and asked to leave................ and left.

And that was that.

I sent him a  text later telling him sorry, that everything was ok and he called me and asked if I was ok.
Am I ok? ....I feel a bit disjointed and lost, but ok,, but oh I want to talk to him more,

Leave me the fuck alone....should I say it?

Last night he talked about the tattoo again. I do NOT want one, at all.

I know many people like them, but I don't, I don't want one. He told me to stop crying. He had told me he was considering that I may have one, not that I was getting one for definite, but that if I did get one it would be small and tasteful. I nearly replied " I don't care how small or tasteful you think it is, I will still hate it", but I bit my tongue.

He talked and talked at me for what seemed like hours, sometimes I just want to say "Leave me the fuck alone. Tell me one or two things to think about and let me think about them".
I feel overloaded some of the time, he knows that work is tough and it seems like he is adding more and more layers on top.

 He doesn't seem to understand why I am not as excited as he is about me coming home,  he is just excited and looking forward to it, and I am too, but I have all those other feelings too.

I just wish he would give me a bit of space to think, but then he doesn't want me to think, he wants to control what I think about these things.

Instead he plays with me, and keeping me on the edge of cumming he talks more at me, making my head spin.

Wonder if its worth saying it......

Leap of faith

He asked me if he had changed since his stroke, and expected me to answer straight away. I said I needed to think about it before I could give a considered answer. So he let me think and we have discussed it, but in the meantime there was something else I said to him that has upset his Domly feelings.

We were talking about when I come home, which may now have to be moved back a week due to complications and time stuff, however, when we were discussing something, he was walking about hog tying me and using me. I must have pulled a face or had some expression he didn't like  and he asked me what was wrong

 I told him I was scared. there was a deafening silence down the line.
"Scared? Are you scared of me"

Well no I am not scared of HIM per se, however I am scared that once I am in that position he can and will do exactly as he pleases.
I thought long and hard about it. Am I anxious, or nervous , or scared?
I am scared.

He was not happy at all.He wasn't angry with me and made it very clear that he wasn't, however, he was  a little hurt that I could be scared of him.

He could understand anxiety or nerves....but fear? He could not understand how if I trust him, how I can be scared. When then got him to thinking that I can't possibly trust him 100%. Which then in turn took us back to the original question....Has he changed?

I think I may have told him about being scared, because it was my way of answering the first question. I am scared. I am not sure what I am scared of, I am just scared. It is a long time since I have been with him, it is six months, but that should just make me anxious I think, as well as excited and nervously expectant.

However I am scared, not hugely, but I am.

So thinking further about this and what I had said he decided to get me to lie with my hand behind my back and let him see my cunt, to hold it open , to use it for his pleasure. He then explained htat it did'nt matter where I am, he has the control. That was not how I was feeling. I explained to him , that it would be totally different.

Here, I could, in theory, just move my hand, close my  legs and shut the cam and there is nothing that he can do about it. That I choose to submit to him at each level., at each order. I know that this is something I would find hard not to do, and in fact I do it automatically, but in reality I could stop.

Once I am there with him, and he has me tied and exposed, there is NOTHING I can do. I choose to submit all in one lump, give the whole lot of control at once, that is what he has, he holds, and I hold nothing. I know that is what this is about, and its what I said I would give him...all the control...but now i am scared to. he thinks it is a reflection on him, that I don't trust him.

Do I?
  I am not sure.

The old him, yes I did, implicitly. I have, with my life , but the new him...I don't know.
If i don't trust him, how is the dynamic changed, how are "we" changed, how is out life changed?


Has he changed? Yes he has. he is not the man he was. I am not sure many people would see what I see. I see a loss of confidence. On the outside he appears almost the same, but I know deep down inside he feels different. He seems to sometimes not trust his own judgement , or his decision making process, and sometimes I can see why. He is definitely more tetchy, quicker to anger. Is that a result or a consequence.

It is a medical consequence, however  sometimes I feel it is born from frustration with himself and a shorter fuse .

He tell me that since it happened, his feelings for me have deepened, that he still sees me as his slave,and always will, but that he loves me more than he ever did, and sometimes he finds it difficult to hurt me for his pleasure alone. Its not difficult to hurt me as a justified punishment, but just for fun, is not so easy, and he is not so decisive about things now.

He has changed. I don't know if it is all a physical result of the stroke or an emotional response to it

Do I trust him? In theory ...yes ..in practise..? .I am not sure...maybe I only will when we see each other again, and I know for definite that I can, and if my trust is misplaced...then what?
Will my owner be able to do what he could before, make me feel safe?
So many questions to be answered...and I think it will take a leap of faith.....not sure if I have it at the moment.
And if I tell him this, and I must, is there a way around it?