So he told me that the baby has been born, its a girl.
I haven't asked any more details, I don't want to know, and yet each and every fibre of my being wants to know every detail of everything. I want to know if she looks like him, I want to know how he felt when he held her, what they said...I want to know...but wild horses and hot nails in my eyes would not make me ask.
The last few days have been horrid, work has been so hard. The jungle nearby is on fire, and so it is hazy and hot and the air is not so good. I have been crazy busy, which is probably a good thing. I cant sleep for long and when i do , I am once more plagued by nightmares of the end of the world, of diseases that are revolting, of death and destruction. Nothing new there really, just the intensity of it all......and the exhaustion that follows is difficult.
I have been trying to sort out in my mind what I feel...I have look at jealousy...examined it, turned it over in my mind. Am i jealous that they have a baby...hell yes...am i jealous that he is spending time with her.....I am not sure... I think what I am jealous of is that they have something to share that we never had, something life long, something "forever". My life had never been about a "forever " thing until I met him, andn I thought it would be...and now its not...and that is what I am jealous of...the fact that the possibility of that has been stolen away...not by a baby, not even by her...but it has been stolen, cast away...by his lies
How else do I feel....I feel betrayed....I feel he has betrayed my trust in him. he asked for absolute trust in him, in his ability to look after me, to do what was best for me, for us...and he has shown scant regard for that. He has placed so little value on what I gave him, the thing i found the most difficult to give him, the thing I knew I would find the hardest if he devalued it...and he has.
I am angry too, angry at him, angry at her and angry at myself. I am angry at him for the lies, I am angry at her for not finding out about me, not noticing , not knowing....and I am angry at myself for not following my instinct...not knowing that I was being lied to. I am trying very hard not to be angry at myself for trusting him. The courage it took to give that trust is, I think, what is keeping me going. I will not let him take that from me.
I am sad too...sad from deep within me..I am not at the crying uncontrollably, which is how I often behave when I am sad, but of damn I am sad....a deep sadness that seems to fill every cell in my body, clouds every vision, dulls every thought.
And yet somewhere amongst all of this ..there is something else, I am not sure what it is. I think there is , somewhere in there a 'lightness'...I am not sure why, maybe it is knowing the truth, knowing its out there.
So that's where I am at, at the moment.
Confused and far away. But I don't feel alone, You have all been so great, so supportive, so sensible with your advice and support and now I need to begin to sort our all "stuff " out.