A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Thursday, 29 September 2011

So now the baby is here

So he told me that the baby has been born, its a girl.

I haven't asked any more details, I don't want to know, and yet each and every fibre of my being wants to know every detail of everything. I want to know if she looks like him, I want to know how he felt when he held her, what they said...I want to know...but wild horses and hot nails in my eyes would not make me ask.
The last few days have been horrid, work has been so hard. The  jungle nearby is on fire, and so it is hazy and hot and the air is not so good. I have been crazy busy, which is probably a good thing. I cant sleep for long and when i do , I am once more plagued by nightmares of the end of the world, of diseases that are revolting, of death and destruction. Nothing new there really, just the intensity of it all......and the exhaustion that follows is difficult.

 I have been trying to sort out in my mind what I feel...I have look at jealousy...examined it, turned it over in my mind. Am i jealous that they have a baby...hell yes...am i jealous that he is spending time with her.....I am not sure...  I think what I am jealous of is that they have something to share that we never had, something life long, something "forever". My life had never been about a "forever " thing until I met him, andn I thought it would be...and now its not...and that is what I am jealous of...the fact that the possibility of that has been stolen away...not by a baby, not even by her...but it has been stolen, cast away...by his lies
How else do I feel....I feel betrayed....I feel he has betrayed my trust in him. he asked for absolute trust in him, in his ability to look after me, to do what was best for me, for us...and he has shown scant regard for that. He has placed so little value on what I gave him, the thing i found the most difficult to give him, the thing I knew I would find the hardest if he devalued it...and he has.

I am angry too, angry at him, angry at her and angry at myself. I am angry at him for the lies, I am angry at her for not finding out about me, not noticing , not knowing....and I am angry at myself for not following my instinct...not knowing that I was being lied to. I am trying very hard not to be angry at myself for trusting him. The courage it took to give that trust is, I think, what is keeping me going. I will not let him take that from me.

I am sad too...sad from deep within me..I am not at the crying uncontrollably, which is how I often behave when I am sad, but of damn I am sad....a deep sadness that seems to fill every cell in my body, clouds every vision, dulls every thought.

And yet somewhere amongst all of this ..there is something else, I am not sure what it is. I think there is , somewhere in there a 'lightness'...I am not sure why, maybe it is knowing the truth, knowing its out there.

So that's where I am at, at the moment.

Confused and far away. But I don't feel alone, You have all been so great, so supportive, so sensible with your advice and support and now I need to begin to sort our all "stuff " out.



  1. Yes. It must be so difficult.

    And you express it so eloquently.

    I'm glad that touch of light is there for you.



  2. (((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs again, dear, i wish i could offer them for real.)))))))))))))))))))))))

  3. hs- you are going through a grieving process- the loss of a loved one.. and although he hasn't left this earth... the process to me is still the same. You are on your way being able to identify and articulate the different stages/feelings you have and that is so very important.
    Here is a link you might find helpful.


    You are showing great strength already!


  4. HS - oh how i ache for you. I went through the same betrayal of trust and know how difficult it is ... sending you many and huge hugs.xxxx


  5. I feel so much for you. I remember going on long walks, feeling completely like a zombie, not caring where I wound up, just filled up to the brim with a sadness that left me unable to function with my family, with my friends, and no one understood because it was just some guy from far away.

    You will come through this; I am glad the lightness is there.

  6. I keep coming back here and I don't know what to say to you. I want to say something to make it all better. Obviously that's not going to happen. I'm angry at him for you, that he let you trust him, demanded your trust and then did this with it. I put myself in your place and it frightens me. It's scary. I wish I could do something to help, I guess all we can do is to offer moral support.

    You'll get through this. Really. Hugs

  7. thanks aisha, but I think the light has now been very firmly extinguished.

  8. Pepper, I am needing all those hugs, I think I may need armour too.

  9. Faithful, thank you very much for the link, am going to sit down with a glass of wine and have a good read tonight. Thank you:)

  10. Sm...I am so sorry that you have been through the same, and thank you for your support...it hurts all over.

  11. Conina, at the moment , I am in darkness , with nowhere to go, but thank you so much for your support.HSxx

  12. Sin, thank you so much for your support. i am now angry and helpless at the same time, as well as frightened. Your support is wonderful, thank you

  13. I feel for you as well. I wish I could come to you, hold you, take some of your pain away. As women, we have all experienced some sort of heartache , which is why all of us are at least able to begin to understand the depth of the hurt you are going through. Your mind tells you that you're strong... you'll get through this... come out stronger and wiser on the other end. But in the meantime, it's your heart that's ruling your body. Go with it, experience the pain... and know that there are so many of us out here, in cyberspace, wearing a "Team HS" shirt and standing in your corner with open arms!


  14. I love my "Team HS" shirt ;) I find myself unable to find different words than the ones these wonderful ladies have already shared. We're here.