A blog from a woman on a journey of discovery.

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Tuesday, 20 September 2011

The truth....... no matter how much it hurts

Sometimes writing about something makes you think deep and hard. I have thought deep and I have thought hard.
I have just sent an email.
I have decided if I am writing the about the truth I must tell the truth, if nothing other than to be true to my word, and true to myself.
I have tried writing about my Uk trip , and I have put it off every day, what I have written so far is the truth, it is what has happened, how I have felt, but it is not the whole truth, and by concealing this I have felt as if there is no truth.

This was a very difficult email to write, and I have writen it...and instead of sitting on it, and pondering, I have sent it.
The truth is what is important. I have decided to put the whole email here......becasue once it is out there, then I have spoken the whole truth.....Respect and honesty.......................................

The problem with lying and being given the opportunity to face up to what has been done and said, is that unless you have courage, you don't take that opportunity when it is first offered, and the longer you leave it , the more difficult it becomes. There comes the day, when you realise there is no way out of the lie, nowhere to go, other than to keep on lying, and digging yourself deeper into a hole of both deception and self deception, until your lies become your own reality.

The problem with creating your own reality is that it is not real, it is false, made up, pretend, and no matter how much you convince yourself that your version of the truth is the real one, you know deep down it is not...and in the end, this knowledge will catch you out.

You may think that you have got away with it, you may feel that you have managed to deceive everyone else, but you have not. It is not the major things in life that give you away, it is the smallest of things...the hesitation when you are lying, the confusion, the slight mix up of dates and times, of the who, the where and the whys. And in your heart, and even though you behave like this, you do have one, you know that you have been found out, been discovered, and you long for the lie to be real, but its not, and slowly it begins to unravel, to unfold and expose the truth.

Trying to hold onto your reality is like trying to hold sand in your hands, no matter how much you want something to stay the same, to remain, to be able to keep it...it slowly slips away. If you face up to the truth, you can do something about it, rescue the reality, the truth, you can  stop the seepage of sand.....but you chose not to................. and so it is slowly but surely going...and the saddest thing of all is that the truth had been known for a while, and you would have been forgiven for creating our own reality, we all do to an extent.

You may wonder sometimes, late in your sleepless nights, how I know, how I am am so sure. Foolish people make mistakes, people who believe their own lies make mistakes, they leave their phones lying around, that make noises when messages comes through and they come on the screen, they leave laptops on, logged into places they shouldn't, and they leave their sound on when they think they have turned it off, they type the wrong message to the wrong person...simple things, easy mistakes to make...hard consequences to live with for everyone.

At the heart of everything lies two facts "truth" and "respect".

We all tell lies for all sorts of reasons, and most of them are well intentioned, but the lies used to deceive, to manipulate, to retain something that doesn't belong to you because you got it through an untruth, a lie;, these are the very worst sort of lies. These are the lies that damage people, that change lives and sometimes destroy them. These type of lies are the one that cause other people to doubt themselves, their judgement and their faith in human nature itself. These lives will also damage you, because in the end you will be left with nothing but the knowledge that you are grasping at shadows. People can stand most things, but untruths are the most hurtful of all.  No matter how much love exists between people, lies are the most destructive because they destroy the thing that relationships are based on, namely trust and respect.

Trust is not about silly things, about money lying around, or private things, its about knowing that the other person will put your welfare before their own desires, knowing that how they behave puts you at the forefront of their thinking, that they have considered the impact of their actions on you. We all make mistakes, I have, we all have, but to deliberately make someone trust you, to preach the whole 'trust' thing and all the time be lying about things, undermines everything, destroys a relationship, leaves it like a vacuum.

When trust is gone...what do you fill it with...mistrust? emptiness? doubt? which is worse..and what are you, the perpetrator of the lie left with? You are left with nothing, other than the knowledge of what you have done, what you have destroyed.

 And respect? To respect someone is to bestow them with some worth in your eyes, your heart and your conscious ........but where is the worth when you have lied, deliberately set out to deceive, to manipulate through those lies...there is no respect.....and I think ultimately there is no self respect either...in fact you are once again left with nothing.

And so where does this leave us...its leaves us with nowhere to go. That is where it leaves us.

It leaves a void in lives and an aching hearts,hearts filled with sadness , sadness at what has happened and what could have been. You have been given the opportunity before to face this and to talk and to trust what I felt, but no more.

I would have ...I really would have...with all my heart. Each morning I have woken up and hoped that you would speak the truth, that you would even just intimate something, enough for me to say  "I know", but you haven't , you haven't said anything, you have continued to deceive, to lie and to manipulate me , not in the way that is right, but in a destructive way, a way that is slowly but surely sapping out of me every shred of self respect, self belief and self worth that I have struggled so hard to gain back from a previous life. Those things that I held onto by the very skin of my teeth, that I fought to cling to in the very darkest days when I wondered if I even had the energy left to live another day. But I did. I am proud of what i did. we have talked about this , and you had told me how you admire this strength in me and yet, just like others before you are eroding it , slowly but surely.

Something, when I lie awake at night, I think that you can be no better than them, but I know you are which is what makes me saddest of all, this is the thing that hurts me the most of all...you are better than them.

I know that you are aware of this, I have looked into your eyes and you know that this moment is coming you know you cannot hold it off, you are trying so hard, but you will not tell me the truth, I know you won't..and so this will die, and with it my heart will die too.

I wish I could confront you with this directly again, but last time I did, you chose to perpetuate the lie and now you must continue it.....but we both know it is a lie. We both know. iI is only me that has the courage to admit it, I just wish I had the courage to say it to your face, but I don't. You may wonder why I don't...

The reason is......

I love you, like I have never loved anyone, and I cannot bear to see the pain in your eyes when you have to admit to yourself, if not to me, that you have been found out a long time ago, and that I can no longer live "your " lie any more. This is difficult enough, being apart, having to live what I have descirbed to you over and over again as a "half life" , a life where the best of me is missing...but the reason I am finally doing this, is that I am not prepared to allow this to done to me any more and risk loosing everything. When I came back in February it was very difficult, and i could feel "me " beginning to disappear. the reason why..... becasue I had confronted you with the truth and you had chosen not to speak, so now I am taking control and I am speaking.

A very wise person once told me..."You get treated how you let yourself be treated"...and enough is enough, I am worth more than this.

I am worth respect.

I am worth the truth.

If you cannot give them to me, then I have to take them.

I have my self respect and I have the truth.

So now what happens?

I will, one by one, be deleting every method by which I contact you, until in the end there will be no way. I will be changing my phone number, I will be deleting each and every email by which you have contacted me. I hope before I do, that you will speak to me, that you will say something...because after I am gone I will not be coming back. I will be moving at the end of this year, I will be changing jobs. I will be claiming back the truth.

I love you and will always love you, for what you have given me, for what we have shared, for what we had.........................



  1. i don't know you, and you don't know me, but....


    i just felt like hugs were in order.


  2. Hs - what a thing to live with, what a thing to have to do. But you are absolutely right about the truth and lies and the worlds we create. I hope you are able to hold onto yourself, as you say.

  3. I've been checking in on your blog daily, looking for updates... secretly hoping you'd posted more. I so enjoyed reading about your reunion. As I read today's post, I felt incredible sadness. For you, for Him, for all of us who have been hurt and lied to. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this pain. But, good for you for standing up for yourself and claiming what you need, want, and most of all, deserve! I wish you the best of luck, and hope He has the decency to at least reply to your note.

    Sending hugs to you as well.

  4. How incredibly gut wrenching for you. Your strength is an amazing thing, although i know that is cold comfort now. I know you can't see it, and that it doesn't really matter now, perhaps it will later, but this is a beautiful, graceful, and poignant post, despite the pain. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))

  5. "If you cannot give them to me, then I have to take them."

    thank you for having the stength to share this with us- it will help others along the way to see how strong of a woman you are.


  6. It is obvious that you have been hurt very deeply, and that in your incredible sorrow (this was so sad, my heart bleeds for you), you have found a renewed strength to make things right in your life again. You have always been strong...but out of these embers arises a woman so righteous, so fierce, and so beautiful...I say good for you. The conviction, and the courage, with which you step now is admirable. Take it back, girl. Take back what is yours, and what you deserve.


  7. Dear HS,

    I was afraid, when I'd check for a new post and there wasn't one, I was afraid something was wrong.

    I'm so sad for you, and so ~ proud is not the right word, but it's close ~ so ~ honored to be the friend of someone who has this kind of strength and courage.

    I'll be thinking of you often, and sending waves of positive energy and light your way...

    Big hug,


  8. Good luck to you!
    You made the right decision.
    You don't need some loser abusing and manipulating you. Just think of it like this: What kind of sick, twisted mind gets a kick out of hurting women?
    You are so much better than, and you don't need this guy. Your life is unique, valuable and precious. Time to make good care of yourself.

    Work on yourself, work on your self-esteem, and make sure that you will never tricked into this poisonous lifestyle called BDSM again. If you need help, check a therapist or ask for the help of friends. there is no shame in asking for help.

    Time to start a new, positive, productive lifestyle centered around love and commitment.

    Love your life and enjoy it, make the post of it. You've only got one life to live.

  9. Your sentiments are beautifully and calmly expressed, though heartbreaking. I only wish that when I felt this way I had had the grace to write anything half as moving as this.

    I hope you hang on to your truth and respect.

  10. pepper...thank you so much for your comment and hugs, we dont need to know each other to be supportive.HSxx

  11. greengirl, thank you for your good wishes and hopes for me. I am fine, bruised but standing, I have fought bigger demons that this and come out stronger, I am just heartbroken by his deceit.HSxx

  12. Strongbutsubmissive...I love your name, that is what we have to be., and that is what I am. Its comments like your that work to keep us believing in ourselves when things fall apart. I have had no reference to the email at all in the very limited conversations with him...sad but true.HSxx

  13. little monkey.... thank you for the comments about my post, i love the quote
    "This above all: to thine own self be true,
    And it must follow, as the night the day,
    Thou canst not then be false to any man.
    Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"

    where Polonius is advising his son to look to himself, to take care of himself, and then he will be in a better position to look after others himself.And thank you for the hugs

  14. faithful...thank you for your support,,,,sometimes strength comes from within and sometimes from "without"... women are very good at getting strength when we need it, and when all else fails , we get it from those around us. Thank you.

  15. Mistress160...your hugs are greatly appreciated...thank you

  16. Melody..thank you for your comment, it made me smile. I imaged u on a soap box with your arms in the air giving me a high five.:)

  17. oh dear aisha,
    I am lucky to have you as my friend, thank you, as always for your kind words, support and clear vision.

  18. Conina...I am sorry that you too have felt this hurt, betrayal and pain, thank you for your kind words and support...I am not hanging onto my truth and respect...it is so firmly grasped...it aint ever getting away!

  19. and Anonymous...I have saved you till last. I read your comments several times, hoping that I was reading them right, getting the message from you that you wished to send.

    Thank you for your good wishes. However, I do not need to "Work on yourself, work on your self-esteem,"

    There is nothing wrong with me or my self esteem. I am a good person, who is honest, reliable,self reliant, loyal and kind. There is nothing wrong with my self esteem. It is having a well developed sense of self and self conviction that empowered me to make a change in my life. This is not an easy change to make, but I am strong and powerful and have no issues with my self esteem,I have issues with some other persons character flaws.

    Your advice to " check a therapist or ask for the help of friends." is good, valid even, and your comment "there is no shame in asking for help." is perhaps the wisest thing you said.
    I am not in need of help from anyone, my psyche and mental health are fine, however, if I feel I need help , then yes I would ask for it.

    Your comment about "Time to start a new, positive, productive lifestyle centered around love and commitment."...implies that my life was previously neither positive or productive, neither was it centred around love or commitment.

    Firstly, my life is very positive, I am a positive person who has lead a wonderful life, full of richness and experience, where I have continued to grow as a person and learn new and valuable skills along the way, and so it continues to be.
    My productiveness is not based on one relationship in my life, I am worth far more than that and have always felt that way. I am a parent, a grandparent with well balanced, intelligence, positively brought up children who lead wonderful lives full of hope and expectation for fulfilling their dreams and ambitions. There are considerate, open minded and wonderful human beings. I have done this on my own, with little family support and no partner support...both positive and productive.
    My career is wonderful, I am at the top of my field, well regarded professionally and very skilled and competent and happy in my chosen career...not lacking in positiveness or production.

    I am loved...by many people, and firstly and fore mostly I am loved by myself...if one person chooses not to fulfill a commitment , then that is his failing not mine.

    If I have read your intentions incorrectly, then I am sorry if my comment seem rude, but if I have, as I feel, read your comments as judgmental..then I do not appologise. Its my blog and i will write how I see fit...I don'
    HSt have to justify myself to anyone.

  20. HS - Such a beautiful, well-thought out response to that post. I read it much the same way as you did and was shocked enough by it I actually showed it to my husband. Bravo! You are amazing.

  21. For such an emotional subject, trust or rather mistrust you have managed to be calm and very collected. I couldn't imagine being able to get something out that was half as wonderful as your email. If you ever wondered if someone has misunderstood what you have written to them, this is not one to question. I am hurt for you, because of his actions but I am also glad for you because you seem to know exactly how you feel, how to express it and how to carry on from here. Thank you for sharing this email with us. All my best wishes looking ahead and some virtual hugs whenever you may need them (( <3))

  22. Thanks Nadia...however , now I am not sure at all, nothing is certain...I think I need all of those hugs now.

  23. Nah they flip and flop but it doesn't seem like you are running from your feelings or hiding them or trying to pretend that you're okay when you are not. Well not to the extent of denial anyway.. I suppose we all have to pretend like we are better than we are until we are feeling really good again or else we'd all get depressed :) I have many many more (((((((((hugs)))))))) too!