So now the baby is here

So he told me that the baby has been born, its a girl.

I haven't asked any more details, I don't want to know, and yet each and every fibre of my being wants to know every detail of everything. I want to know if she looks like him, I want to know how he felt when he held her, what they said...I want to know...but wild horses and hot nails in my eyes would not make me ask.
The last few days have been horrid, work has been so hard. The  jungle nearby is on fire, and so it is hazy and hot and the air is not so good. I have been crazy busy, which is probably a good thing. I cant sleep for long and when i do , I am once more plagued by nightmares of the end of the world, of diseases that are revolting, of death and destruction. Nothing new there really, just the intensity of it all......and the exhaustion that follows is difficult.

 I have been trying to sort out in my mind what I feel...I have look at jealousy...examined it, turned it over in my mind. Am i jealous that they have a baby...hell yes...am i jealous that he is spending time with her.....I am not sure...  I think what I am jealous of is that they have something to share that we never had, something life long, something "forever". My life had never been about a "forever " thing until I met him, andn I thought it would be...and now its not...and that is what I am jealous of...the fact that the possibility of that has been stolen away...not by a baby, not even by her...but it has been stolen, cast away...by his lies
.
How else do I feel....I feel betrayed....I feel he has betrayed my trust in him. he asked for absolute trust in him, in his ability to look after me, to do what was best for me, for us...and he has shown scant regard for that. He has placed so little value on what I gave him, the thing i found the most difficult to give him, the thing I knew I would find the hardest if he devalued it...and he has.

I am angry too, angry at him, angry at her and angry at myself. I am angry at him for the lies, I am angry at her for not finding out about me, not noticing , not knowing....and I am angry at myself for not following my instinct...not knowing that I was being lied to. I am trying very hard not to be angry at myself for trusting him. The courage it took to give that trust is, I think, what is keeping me going. I will not let him take that from me.

I am sad too...sad from deep within me..I am not at the crying uncontrollably, which is how I often behave when I am sad, but of damn I am sad....a deep sadness that seems to fill every cell in my body, clouds every vision, dulls every thought.

And yet somewhere amongst all of this ..there is something else, I am not sure what it is. I think there is , somewhere in there a 'lightness'...I am not sure why, maybe it is knowing the truth, knowing its out there.

So that's where I am at, at the moment.

Confused and far away. But I don't feel alone, You have all been so great, so supportive, so sensible with your advice and support and now I need to begin to sort our all "stuff " out.

hmmmmm

Rudeness will always be punished

I threw a big hissy fit yesterday.

I behaved like a child and I am sorry.

He asked me to do something, it wasn't difficult, it wasn't something that I haven't done before, but doing it was going to be difficult because of other calls on me and my time.
He knew that, but he told me to do it.
I was rude and grumpy, I sulked and glowered at him over the miles.
He sent me away.
I sent him an email telling him he was being unfair, how he was making me feel and why.

I was there when he told me to be, not happily, pleased to see him, pleased to have time with him, but sulking and rude and stressed.

He sent me away

I came back later when he had told me to, and I was still grumpy and off hand.

He asked me to explain and I did.

He told me that I should have trusted him, he was not going to do what I has feared, all he had wanted was to say hello. he was not going to compromise my safety, my position, nor did he have any desire to make me stressed about it, I should have trusted him.

I was so angry. I was angry with him. I was angry with the world. I was angry with myself. I was just angry.

I was wrong.

I was punished......not for being angry.....but for being rude.

I was given a lesson on trust.

I was punished again.

And as the clock changed to midnight I was doing what I should do.
I was gagged, hooded, plugged, the toy deep inside me, tied so it and I, could not move.
The only thing I could hear was his voice, the only thing I thought about was him.

Then he told me off, harsh words, words slaves do not like, words that burn into my heart; "Let down, disappointed, expected more, you should know, bad behaviour," and all spoken softly with calmness and thought.
And I was filled with shame at my behaviour and my lack of trust and not realising that he does know best, he does always have my interest at heart, and most of all shame at my lack of submission.

I could not look at him, I wished he had been able to beat me, but the pain I felt was more than any beating, each word leaving a mark on me more painful than any cane, each phrase biting more than any strike of the whip.

I wanted to crawl to him and beg his forgiveness, but all I could do was beg.
He talked, I cried. he talked I cried more.

He sent me for a shower and a hot drink, and when I returned his greeting "My slave, my love, my sweet" filled me with a tearful sadness and with happiness.
And I curled up on the floor with my blanket and drifted off to sleep.

When I woke this morning , I had a message...." Happy New Year my slave"

I am sorry Sir.