the alarm went off, but we were both awake anyway. the morning was more awful than the night before. he asked me to make him a cup of tea, which I did and then I gave it to him and stood at the side of the bed, not knowing what to do.
He had said I was still his, one half of me was so relieved, he would know what I should do and the other half of me was so angry that he hadn't listened to me, hadn't see my pain, .
He pulled me into his arms and told me that he knew I didn't want to be with him(untrue), but he had spent all night thinking about it and he was right to say no, he couldn't let me walk away, he couldn't let me throw it all away, he was doing what was right for me, and how could he let me go away feeling so lost, so alone. He would consider things when I was away, we would discuss things, the future , and all it entailed when I was back on the underside of the world, but for now I was his slave, I belonged to him and I would do as I was told.
I was cried out,,,,,,,I was numb.
I didn't want to be free,,its not freedom anyway..............but I felt I couldn't cope with this either.
I lay in his arms, savouring each and every moment, trying to get his smell deep inside me, to keep and treasure it, something to hold onto.
He kissed me and I cried, he touched me and I cried louder. I wanted him to love me, but I felt so unlovable, I felt so cruel, I felt he couldn't see what was happening to me. I loved him so much.........
we made love, that sad soulful love making, that parting love making, that gives you no pleasure...just gives solace. but mine was a cruel kind of solace.
And on that cold February morning we drove to the airport and he asked me if I wanted him to come inside....................I still wanted to say no, but in my silence he said "I'm coming".
We parked the car, and he sent me to get my trolley for the bags, which made me smile sadly.He took me to check in and we went to get a drink, and I sat in a cold departure hall, my whole life falling apart.
He talked to me, in a calm quiet voice,, about what I am, how I should behave, what I should do, and it felt like he was talking about someone else.
It was time for me to leave, he walked me toward the security, and he wrapped hid arms around me , and I stood as I have done a thousand times, with my head on his chest, and I felt frozen in time, the world was rushing around me, and we were in middle............... standing still.
I once more clung to him,I wanted to fall to my knees at his feet and beg him to keep me there, safe.....I wanted to hear him say that he would tell them I could not come back.
But...................... instead I had to pull out of his arms.. I couldn't speak........I looked him in the eyes, and touched my heart and then turned and walked away.
I tired not to turn around after security, I really did, but I couldn't help it........and he was there, where I left him, just watching.
Showing posts with label goodbye. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goodbye. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Friday, 25 February 2011
"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".
I couldn't bear to look at him, I really felt like I was being broken, I felt broken, but I really didn't think that I could handle this any more.
The thought of months and months without him, followed by a few stolen days again, followed by more months away from him..................it filled me with what I can only describe as abject fear, I was worried about my mental health, its like seeing water in the desert and getting there and finding just enough to keep you alive, no more , no less and knowing that there will be more, but not knowing when.....and I just couldn't cope with the thought of it.
He bent down and pulled my up by my hands and sat me on the bed and asked me to explain where all this had come from, why I had not said anything the day before, or the one before that...................and I tried to explain to him, that it was inside me, like some rotting, evil thing that I had tried to overcome and couldn't, that I had tried to keep inside me, but I feared it and feared it would destroy me as I had once been almost destroyed before, I explained and I loved him and didn't want to hurt him, but I HAD to say it all, I couldn't not say.
I looked at his face and he was white, I thought he was angry and then I saw the tears in his eyes and I wished I had not spoken, I wished I could take away all the words.
Maybe I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, thinking about what I needed, putting my needs first, above his, but I was torn with the thoughts that if I hadn't said anything then I was not being honest and in all of everything, I have been honest with him, and he knows that.
He asked me if this was what I really wanted and I started to cry again, to become hysterical, was that what I wanted.?...no it wasn't, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I believed I needed.
And for a long time there was silence..........painful silence that burned into my heart and he called to me, but he called me my given name and I remember putting my hands over my ears and wanting him to stop, but he talked to me calmly and said if that was what I wanted then it was how it would be.
This left me feeling stunned...empty...like a hand had reached inside me and ripped out my heart....I felt, bereaved.
He told me I didn't need the rope on anymore, but I couldn't take it off, just couldn't. My hands wouldn't move, I couldn't take it off.
He walked over towards me and, looking at me he took the rope of and it fell................. in slow motion ...............to the floor at my feet.
I stopped there, not knowing what to do next.
I remember saying...........
"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".
And he sat and looked at me, and I buried my head in my hands.
Time stood still,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I don't know what happened, what was said, I felt like someone had died, I wished I had died.
I didn't want to hurt him, but I didnt know what elese to do, I felt there was no other option.
I remember at some point he told me that he wasn't staying in the hotel all day and that we needed to go out, to get a bit of perspective...............so we went to the nearest town, some tourist place and we wandered aimlessly round.
We went to the pub and sat like strangers, I couldn't speak, every time I tried , I began to cry, I couldn't look at him, I began to cry, so he took me back outside and we wandered around more in the cold.
He had to go to a shop to get something, and he asked me if I wanted anything, I said no, and he growled at me that I was infuriating and I walked away, unable to be with him, unable to feel how awful I was.
We got back to the car and he told me I was rude, and I wanted to tell him he was horrid but couldn't , because he wasn't, he was hurting like me.
He drove me back to the hotel and left me in the room, I packed my bags, I was leaving the next morning.
I felt sick,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what had I done, oh what had I done?
I looked at the rope, still on the floor where it had dropped and I crawled across the floor to where it lay and lay down next to it and lay my head on it and cried, I wept for all the things we had, all the things we shared and all the things he thought I was throwing away........... I cried like I have never cried before.
And that is where he found me and hour or so later.
He told me to shower and dress, we were going out for dinner.
We sat in an empty Indian restaurant, and he ordered food, which I pushed around my plate and he told me that he had been thinking about what I said and that he had been so shocked he had responded too fast, and that I was his, until he decided otherwise, not me, he owned me and that was how it is.
I wanted to shout at him, to hit him, I wanted to scream....... did he not realise how much courage it had taken for me to say anything, let alone ask him to release me..........didn't he understand anything?
But instead I sat in stunned silence..........................I didn't want him to think I hadn't meant what I had said, because I did, I had .....................................
He told me to eat my food, I shook my head.
He growled,"Eat something"
and I did, I didn't want to, I thought i may choke on it, may throe up there and then,but..... out of habit, I did as he told me.
He drove us back in silence, I got ready for bed in silence, and we lay there, in icy silence, wrapped in our own thoughts.............mine was misery........... why woudln't he listen to me. and his? I don't know.
It was a long sleepless night for us both, the gulf between us like the thousands of miles I was about to physically put between us.
I wanted to be far away, but I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to go, but I was by now so confused by everything........................ I was a mess.
He had offered to take me to the airport, I wanted to say no, I wanted to ask him how did he think it was going to be,Ii wanted to tell no, don't take me, drop me off, let me get a taxi, I' dont want it, I don't want to say goodbye to you, not in a cold and impersonal airport.
But I knew I wouldn't and I lay there waiting for the day to start so it would be over and more than anything I wanted to freeze time; to stay there next to him, however unhappy I was because the thought of being without him was far worse.
The thought of months and months without him, followed by a few stolen days again, followed by more months away from him..................it filled me with what I can only describe as abject fear, I was worried about my mental health, its like seeing water in the desert and getting there and finding just enough to keep you alive, no more , no less and knowing that there will be more, but not knowing when.....and I just couldn't cope with the thought of it.
He bent down and pulled my up by my hands and sat me on the bed and asked me to explain where all this had come from, why I had not said anything the day before, or the one before that...................and I tried to explain to him, that it was inside me, like some rotting, evil thing that I had tried to overcome and couldn't, that I had tried to keep inside me, but I feared it and feared it would destroy me as I had once been almost destroyed before, I explained and I loved him and didn't want to hurt him, but I HAD to say it all, I couldn't not say.
I looked at his face and he was white, I thought he was angry and then I saw the tears in his eyes and I wished I had not spoken, I wished I could take away all the words.
Maybe I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, thinking about what I needed, putting my needs first, above his, but I was torn with the thoughts that if I hadn't said anything then I was not being honest and in all of everything, I have been honest with him, and he knows that.
He asked me if this was what I really wanted and I started to cry again, to become hysterical, was that what I wanted.?...no it wasn't, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I believed I needed.
And for a long time there was silence..........painful silence that burned into my heart and he called to me, but he called me my given name and I remember putting my hands over my ears and wanting him to stop, but he talked to me calmly and said if that was what I wanted then it was how it would be.
This left me feeling stunned...empty...like a hand had reached inside me and ripped out my heart....I felt, bereaved.
He told me I didn't need the rope on anymore, but I couldn't take it off, just couldn't. My hands wouldn't move, I couldn't take it off.
He walked over towards me and, looking at me he took the rope of and it fell................. in slow motion ...............to the floor at my feet.
I stopped there, not knowing what to do next.
I remember saying...........
"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".
And he sat and looked at me, and I buried my head in my hands.
Time stood still,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I don't know what happened, what was said, I felt like someone had died, I wished I had died.
I didn't want to hurt him, but I didnt know what elese to do, I felt there was no other option.
I remember at some point he told me that he wasn't staying in the hotel all day and that we needed to go out, to get a bit of perspective...............so we went to the nearest town, some tourist place and we wandered aimlessly round.
We went to the pub and sat like strangers, I couldn't speak, every time I tried , I began to cry, I couldn't look at him, I began to cry, so he took me back outside and we wandered around more in the cold.
He had to go to a shop to get something, and he asked me if I wanted anything, I said no, and he growled at me that I was infuriating and I walked away, unable to be with him, unable to feel how awful I was.
We got back to the car and he told me I was rude, and I wanted to tell him he was horrid but couldn't , because he wasn't, he was hurting like me.
He drove me back to the hotel and left me in the room, I packed my bags, I was leaving the next morning.
I felt sick,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what had I done, oh what had I done?
I looked at the rope, still on the floor where it had dropped and I crawled across the floor to where it lay and lay down next to it and lay my head on it and cried, I wept for all the things we had, all the things we shared and all the things he thought I was throwing away........... I cried like I have never cried before.
And that is where he found me and hour or so later.
He told me to shower and dress, we were going out for dinner.
We sat in an empty Indian restaurant, and he ordered food, which I pushed around my plate and he told me that he had been thinking about what I said and that he had been so shocked he had responded too fast, and that I was his, until he decided otherwise, not me, he owned me and that was how it is.
I wanted to shout at him, to hit him, I wanted to scream....... did he not realise how much courage it had taken for me to say anything, let alone ask him to release me..........didn't he understand anything?
But instead I sat in stunned silence..........................I didn't want him to think I hadn't meant what I had said, because I did, I had .....................................
He told me to eat my food, I shook my head.
He growled,"Eat something"
and I did, I didn't want to, I thought i may choke on it, may throe up there and then,but..... out of habit, I did as he told me.
He drove us back in silence, I got ready for bed in silence, and we lay there, in icy silence, wrapped in our own thoughts.............mine was misery........... why woudln't he listen to me. and his? I don't know.
It was a long sleepless night for us both, the gulf between us like the thousands of miles I was about to physically put between us.
I wanted to be far away, but I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to go, but I was by now so confused by everything........................ I was a mess.
He had offered to take me to the airport, I wanted to say no, I wanted to ask him how did he think it was going to be,Ii wanted to tell no, don't take me, drop me off, let me get a taxi, I' dont want it, I don't want to say goodbye to you, not in a cold and impersonal airport.
But I knew I wouldn't and I lay there waiting for the day to start so it would be over and more than anything I wanted to freeze time; to stay there next to him, however unhappy I was because the thought of being without him was far worse.
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