He is very angry with me

I am in trouble...he was very angry with me.

I told him I would not be able to be on my phone at all during the day yesterday...and I couldn't, I had four minutes to my self from the start of my day to the end.................
It is not that apparently, I can be busy, but its my attitude about it all, its about when he tells me off and I sulk.
Its also about the fact that last night I had someone to stay in my house; I sent him an offline to ask him if it would be ok, as I was forced into into it, well put under pressure to give an immediate answer, and I wasn't going to phone him at 4am and ask him as he has had such problems sleeping.....and that was wrong too

He has told me I am rude, disrespectful, thoughtless, cold and icy.

He doesn't like it when I reply "I don't know what to say". I don't, because whatever I say just seems to get me deeper into trouble and so its better to say nothing.

The last time I told him anything of any great significance....................things were not good and we have not talked about it since (i feel like this is a repeat post here).

It is on the tip of my tongue to say something, to say to him...."You want me to tell you how I feel?" and to just let rip, to tell him exactly how I feel.
To tell him I am sad, and scared to tell him I am "cold" because if I let go of my feeling, if I show him everything will fall apart.

I have a function to go to tomorrow and I had a dress made to go in, one I know he would like,in red, which he likes and I hate, and when I tried to show it to him , it all went wrong and he ended up cross and I ended up in tears........and now he doesn't understand I hate that dress, I hate it, I never want to wear it ............but he thinks I am being silly

I wish I could tell him how I feel, I wish I could, but there seems no point.

He has told me if I continue to be "cold" towards him then "So be it" and I will be treated accordingly.

 That I will be used for his fun and nothing more.................

My head is a complete mess, he is too busy, I won't talk, since his stroke he is different and has changed and more than anything I need what is just out of my reach............I want all the old feeling to come back..........and they won't ........or maybe I wont let them.

Am I in trouble?

I think I am in trouble...............I think he is not very pleased with me.........no doubt I will find out at some point.

For some reason he seems to think that when I am at work I can talk to him, uninterrupted and when he wants me to, and yet he tells me work comes first....................and then I get interrupted and he thinks I am doing it on purpose.........and I tell him "I am working" and he tells me not to answer back......................so now I think I am in trouble.

I have just called and told him what I have done.

I was away last night, for some of it, and as usual, I had to take my rope with me...........and I have just had to call him and tell him I left it behind.

He is not happy, he was driving and told me to put a peg on each nipple and stand and wait for him to come online.

I am in trouble.

How do you do this whole thing anyway?

When you have managed things, your life, your emotions by yourself for a long time. When you have had to deal with things on your own, or compartmentalised your life and shared different bits with different people, but never all of the truth to anyone.
When you look back and realise from an early age you lived your life like a MI5 spy. Not the lying and deception, the manipulation, but just running your life like a spy ring, having mental "Dead letter boxes" and small groups of just interconnecting friends and large groups of acquaintances and one or two people that you trust completely...openness its a challenge.

All of these things make you into the person you are. I remember being told as a child I was secretive; not sneaky, secretive, and as a teenager, and as an adult.
It used to irritate me to be called that. This was for two reasons, firstly, I'm not by nature and secondly, all you had to do was ask the right question at the right time and I would have told anything.

I would have opened my heart up and told you anything and everything  But nobody ever really did when I was younger. I don't know if no body ever really bothered or they tried, and got little response, so didn't bother again.

My grandfather and I were sharers of secrets; how to plants seeds, where the sweets were hidden in the kitchen. How to 'read" clouds to tell if it was going to rain, how to calm a frightened dog, the best walk trough the woods to see the first bluebells in spring...all those were the best of secrets, but when you are five or so, these are important things...

I realised recently that the reason I said nothing to anyone else, wasn't that I was hiding some big dark secret inside, I wasn't.....I just had got to the point where I really thought no one would be that interested anyway, there wasn't a lot to tell.........so on the odd occasion anyone asked, I just didn't say much.
The only person who asked was my mother and I have come very recently to the scary understanding that she wanted to know because she is just damn nosey and likes no one to have any privacy.

It wasn't a wish to understand me and know how I was feeling, just nosiness.

My whole adult life I have managed to keep things inside me. On the surface people will see the person they think I am. I am not being deceitful or untrue, just operating by that inbuilt, and "over the years"   learned behaviour...............if you don't expose yourself no one will come and stamp all over your feeling and destroy you.................except anyone past 20 knows that its not an easy way to go through life and it doesn't work anyway.

At this point I had put some other stuff in here and then deleted it because I felt it said too much............and now I don't know whether to laugh or cry about it..............but it stays deleted.

So when my owner goes on about openness he is fighting years and years of a well learned and managed habit. I think I could never get a  job at wiki leaks.

So yesterday when I was in trouble again for failing to tell him something he couldn't understand why I hadn't told him. I wasn't being secretive, I wasn't not telling him stuff, I just didn't think that it was important enough to register.............and this juicy bit of information that has got me into trouble?
A job offer..............not one on a piece of paper with a job description and a mention of a salary, not one outlining all the benefits and the risk assessment..........no its a job offer of a leaving colleague"if you want t a job in ***********, just call me, there will always be a job for you" sort of job offer.

Well...................very kind of you, thank you, but I don't want a job in ************, too dangerous.
So I had smiled and said, thank you, and not registered it as anything other than that.

THEN, last night when talking I jokingly said something about "When when you throw me out, when I am old, at least I will be able to go to work in ************* as I have a job offer".

 You could have heard a pin drop.

I begged him not to be cross..........tried to explain the nature of the offer etc etc
nine thousand questions later, I was sent to bed with the "We''ll talk about this later".

I wish he could see I wasn't hiding anything, I wasn't being secretive, or not opening up...................its just that it wasn't important enough to register or mention and ................

Oh whats the point....................

I will never get this openness bit right.

You know when you know you are in trouble and your heart just sinks, and you know you have to 'fess up

Well, I knew I was in trouble, I am in trouble.

I have a work commitment tonight, after my usual time, after the time I told him i would be home today.

I did know about it a few weeks ago, but I forgot to mention it, and I knew about it at the end of last week, and I forgot to mention it.

And I know he is very good about my work, very understanding, and doesn't make me pay for the lack of time sometimes when it would be more convenient for him.

And I have done this before....maybe even twice....

Deep trouble is what I am in.

I think if I had a dog house that's where I would be.

He is not happy.

And he is silent.

And so now I have something else to think about too.

And I will have to explain myself , why I didn't tell him, why I failed to remember...do you think using my age is a good enough excuse? Maybe that I am busy?

Maybe I will try......maybe not!

I will be punished, of that there is no doubt.

Three strikes and I'm out.

Hiding and in trouble

Not sure why he has decided its a "games weekend"...but I don't like it any more. I have never liked "truth or dare", for all sorts of reasons....mainly that I think its dangerous in most situations and in this one...I was right.
I never chose "dare" because I have to tell the truth anyway, so why risk a dare with the strange mood he is in .....and now I'm in trouble...not for telling the truth...but because I did tell the truth. (that makes sense in my head, not sure it does on paper) The question was ...."what are you holding back?" and so I told him about my deepest fears...I know he knows them, but having to say it, having to type it, leaving it there on the screen, they just looked enormous, so overwhelming...so insurmountable. I don't want him to see them, to look, to scrutinise them and pull them apart , piece by painful piece.

I was filled with sadness and fear, seeing them typed there on the screen made them appear possible, almost inevitable. I know the likelihood is small, but even that is enough to have me sobbing, wanting to turn away from him when I should turn towards him. Not because he was being cruel, but because he was pushing me again, and I hated it and I hated him.

I was exhausted by the time he had finished , I felt bruised and battered, more so than any physical beating, canning or any punishment. I hurt................and sleep was my refuge.

Sleep was fitful, filled with disturbing images and emotions.

I had to call him again before I left for work, and he said he could hear how unhappy I was in my voice...............I'm not unhappy...........just shaky and so I did what I am best at....I hid at work, so I couldn't talk to him, couldn't be contacted and now I'm in trouble.