In a million little pieces

I have been awake most of the night, unable to sleep, my mind racing and turning as to what to write here, which words to use to try and explain what happened next, and I apologise now if it all comes gushing out and makes little or no sense. I correct the typos and grammar but not the content.

When I woke in the morning, having finally fallen asleep, I was tired and unhappy. I lay there for a while wondering what I was going to do, how I was going to say what I had to say and I started to cry. The tears just came. I felt him stir next to me in his sleep and I slipped out of the bed, not wanting it all to begin, wanting things to stay the same yet knowing I would have to face this awfulness.

I crept towards the window, picking up a spare duvet on the way and sat on the sofa wrapped up against the cold,  knowing that the cold was in my heart and no matter what I did I would not be warm. I sat and watched the sun rise slowly, staring out of the half open curtains, the din wintry light seeped around the edges of the room and he woke.

"Did I give you permission to leave the bed slave, did you ask?"
I turned and looked at him and felt my heart wold split, right there, and then into a million little pieces.

"What has happened slave, what is wrong"

This was the point at which I knew I had to speak, this was the moment when it would all begin, this was the end of things.

But I couldn't speak, I just couldn't find the words,

I am not allowed to lie, I have to tell him the truth, and I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. I put my head in my hands and I sobbed, I pulled the duvet around me, covering myself, shutting myself off from him and I sobbed.

"Talk to me sweet, talk to me, what has happened what is wrong?"

I got worse. I didn't want him to be nice, I wanted him to order me to tell him, so I would have no choice, so I would have the courage to do it........but he was being  nice to me, being kind and gentle. I wanted him to hold be against the wall and slap me, beat me to make me tell him, but he didnt and he wouldn't.

I sat silently trying so very hard to find even just one word to tell him, just I word to start me off.

"I....I...I............. can't"

Was what I managed.

"You cant what slave?"

Once I had started I couldn't stop, it came out in a torrent of words; of unhappiness, of fear and desperation.

I told him that I loved him.
I told him how happy I was, how much I had loved being home with him, how I had dreamt about these day would would have together, about coming home.
I told him how each morning I had woken up and thought that it was one more day closer to being with him, being at his feet.
I told him I didn't want to go back but I had no choice and then I told him....

I told him

I couldn't do it any more,

There it was................. I had said it, although I was sobbing so much I was unsure if he had heard me.

But he had.

I tried to explain, that how could I go back, and live a half life, less than a half life, I couldn't do it, I miss him so much and I had no idea when I would be home again, and when I did  come home, what time would we have,  how would it be?

I told him that it felt unbearable inside me to say it,  but mostly words poured from me trying to explain how I felt that if I continued like this that it would destroy me, that I would not be able to cope any more, that coping without him would , in the long run be easier than living a half life, a nothing for the next three years and I put my head down and I sobbed.

It took me a long time to get control  and he sat there.
 Then I looked at him properly for the first time and asked if he would release me.

Finally it had been said and it had been heard and I looked at his face, and he looked shocked.
.
The silence hung in the air, neither of us speaking, neither of us knowing what to say. I was shocked at all I had said, and he was shocked at what he had heard.

He got out of bed and came towards me, and took the rope in his hand and pulled me towards him, and I wanted to resist; I wanted to make him pull it hard to get me to come to him, but I walked towards him and collapsed in a heap at his feet, holding onto his legs, and he stood very still  and very silent.

(I am sorry I can't write anymore now, this isn't meant to be like some Victorian melodrama, but I have to stop writing ,I have to work, but I will write the rest after work, )

Wishing I was back in that cupboard.

He told me that we were eating in the hotel and that he was going down to meet his friend, I tried to ask him who it was, but I couldn't get the right words to ask without appearing to be questioning him about his plans, so I just left it.
He told me to come in about half an hour and meet them in the bar. I sat upstairs fretting about who it was, what was going to happen......and finally I went down to the bar and saw them both sitting there, their backs towards me. They heard my shoes on the floor and turned around, both of them standing to greet me. I knew his friend...........it was an old friend who I had met a long time ago, but I couldn't remember his name, he introduced me to him again and we sat and he ordered me a drink.

They continued their conversation, trying to draw me into it, but I felt a little dislocated from the situation and was glad when we went to the table for dinner.

They stopped talking about work, and his friend"James" addressed me. "So you are home..... for how long?"
I told him I had thirty six hours left, and that they seemed to be flying by so fast. He nodded and told me that it is always that way when you don't want to leave somewhere or someone.

We talked some more about my job and how life was in general, about politics, just  dinner table talk and then my owner order my food for me.James smiled at me, at  the face I pulled at his choice.

And then my owner looked  at me and said, "James was here in the area, so I invited him to join us".

Join us? What the hell did that me? What was he talking about? I tried to keep my face still, to stop my panic from showing, to stop my fears overwhelming my mouth and spilling out in a "What the fuck does that mean Sir", and they both looked at me and howled with laughter .

"Your face, slave," said my owner, "oh my god that was funny".

I blushed and lowered my head, looking at my cutlery,  suddenly filled with great interest in where it was made.

They both laughed some more, and James said "I've joined you for dinner, nothing else ....... just dinner".

Oh floor , please open and swallow me up!

I took a deep breath and calmed down a bit, but them James said "I want you to tell me about the time in the cupboard and about when Icalled yesterday".

And so over dinner I had to describe to the two of them exactly what had happened, how I felt, what he had done to me and what I had done too.
And by the time they ate their pudding, I was red faced and wanting to leave, wishing I had not come to dinner, and that I was still all alone in the cupboard.

 My owner left the table  and I was left with James; he touched my hand and said to me
"You know your owner is very proud of you, how you have coped with such an intense time, and  remember that you never have to be afraid or ashamed of what you have done, because you are doing as you are told, you are doing it to make your owner happy, you have no choice, you should be proud."
and he patted my hand again and smiled at me.

 My owner returned and asked what we were up to, and James told him that we were just talking and he winked at me, I blushed yet again, and smiled at my owner and he smiled back.

He invited James to join us in the room for brandy and my heart sank, because I have to be naked in the room and I didn't know what to do. We walked to the lift and as we got in my owner said, "Yes slave, as normal" how did he know, oh how did he know?

I opened the door for them and then standing in the corner of the room I removed my clothing while he pouerd them a brandy, I passed my owner the rope which he put around my neck and he told me to sit on the floor. So I sat naked on the floor at my owners feet while he talked to his friend, and I sat quietly, hoping I was invisible, that they couldn't see me, I sat still, hoping they wouldn't hear me.............but I was sent to fetch more brandy, and they carried on their conversation as if I was not there.

My owner reached down and stroked my hair a couple of times, stroked my nipples and played with the bars and that was it.
 After and hour or so I was asked to show James out, he said good bye and kissed me on the cheek, said "next time it will be more than dinner" and was gone.

"Oh slave , I have never seen you so quiet and so still, I know what to do when I want peace and quiet now"

I wondered what was going to happen next and sat at his feet, waiting, and he continued to stroke my hair, and I began to relax, he took me by the hand and led me to the bed, tucked me up, and told me to sleep and he would be back later, he had some stuff to do and I was to sleep.

He kissed me goodnight and left, closing the door wuietly behind him
.
And this is when things began to fall apart completely, it was now that all the doubts began to surface, this was the time that I began to panic.

The week had been so perfect in so many ways, it had been so intense, filled with all those things that make "us " so prefect, it was filled with happiness and laughter, joy, and all those feelings that we both need.

And soon it would all be coming to an end, it would be over and I really had no idea when I would  be home again. I had no idea what it would be like when I was home, how things would be, how he would be, and how I would be............................and I began to complelety panic about evrything.
There was so much going on in my head, I just didnt know what to do. I thought about getting up and trying to find him, but there were things in my head I didnt want to, or wasnt ready, to say to him and so I did the best thing I could do, I slept.

I was so overwhelemd it was my only option.

I heard him come in and I stayed  "asleep" ,he got into bed and I crawled towards him and clung to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, my legs around his and holding like I was on a sinking ship.

I heard him ask "slave?", but I didn't answer, and he wrapped his arms tighter and I felt him fall asleep.

 And I lay there all night, safe in his arms, dreading the next day and wondering how I would find the words I needed.

Sexy bed socks and a throbbing cunt

I feel like I have been away for a long time, that I have been disconnected. I tried to think about what I would write about my time away.

Some of the time I thought about how I would describe how I had felt, which words I would use to explain the depth of my feelings, my reactions to his words, my responses to his touch..............and I have struggled to find those words that convey how I am feeling now and how I felt then.

So for now, I beg that you forgive my disjointed ramblings, my splurging of thoughts, emotions, mental images onto an empty page, knowing that things become blurred in the fog of submission, muddled in the haze of sub-drop,distorted with emotion and turned upside down by an overwhelming sense of loss.

My head is scrambled; with having to return to normality, to work, with no sleep, jet lag and an emotional bruised heart. I will try to explain.

I was so excited to arrive home, after a long and mostly sleepless journey I arrived in a country that was 38C colder than the one I had left, and with few, if any, appropriate clothes to wear. That was my first concern, that, and of course talking to my owner. He was unable to meet me at the airport, but I still looked for him, just a tiny little bit hopefully that he might have managed to get there , but he hadn't.

The cold , the ice, the bone chilling cold seemed to fill me, sapping what little energy I had, and so the long drive north took me a couple of hours longer than normal, but I went the long way, took the scenic route to avoid the motorways, and went across country, looking at the gray countryside as I passed it. Fields of almost gray grass, naked trees; leafless and seemingly dead. Hedgerow with a few brown and dry leaves hanging from them, frozen puddles of flood water in open fields, long icicles hanging from barbed wire fences where the wind hand blown the spray off puddles, livestock huddled together in corners of fields eating hay dropped by well wrapped farmers, crows sitting by empty nests atop tall dark trees and clouds scudding across a pale blue wintry sky,barely lit by the pale weak northern hemisphere sun, struggling to get above the horizon.

And happy as I was to be home; I missed the green of the jungle, the heat of the sun, and the eye searing brightness of each day.

I arrived at the place I was staying and had to beg for more bedding and ended up with three duvets to snuggle under.
I had two days to wait until I would see my owner, that's two whole days, commitments on both sides that we were unable to get out of , but we talked, we skyped , he laughed at me wrapped like an snowman, he even told me my fluffy bed socks were sexy. I couldn't wait to see him. My heart pounded at the thought of him, the thought of being at his feet, my cunt pulsed and tightened at the thought of feeling his hand on me, fingers entwined in my hair...............all these thoughts filled my head as I tried to concentrate on work..............and then the day arrived.

I got a text that said "I'm 10 miles away...........ready?"

Ready?

Ready?

Was I ready?

Are we ever really ready?

He had told me what to wear, down to the last earring...

My phone beeped.

"Come outside"
I wanted to put the coat on , but I didn't dare, it was not on his list of clothes, so I walked outside and I saw the headlights up the road flash twice, I paused, they flashed again and I walked towards the car. As I got closer he turned it onto full beam and the light filled my eyes. I peered  in the windscreen and he pointed to the passenger door. I opened the door and lent down; feeling like some five pound hooker,

"Get in".

I got in and sat on the seat, not daring to look at him, the seat heater was on and I smiled.

His hand grabbed my pony tail and he pulled me towards him.
He kissed me, ferociously, biting my lips, my tongue, his tongue forcing itself deep into my mouth, his hand tight on my hair , bringing tears to my eyes.
I went to speak to him.

"Silence"

"We are going out for dinner".

And so for the next hour and a half we sat in a restaurant and ate dinner; talking about normal things, the weather, politics, news, work, home, my journey and as these words poured from my mouth my head was thinking completely different words.

I squirmed in my seat, I squirmed more, I wriggled and fiddled with my napkin, I pushed food around my plate until he told me to eat it and all the time I could feel the heat from his body. When he put his hand on my knee I yelped, not very loudly, but I did, I yelped. He laughed, that deep throaty chuckle that  makes me melt.

Then he lifted my skirt and rammed his fingers in my cunt.

"Oh slave," he laughed, "time for us to leave".

Whats in a word?

It is strange how words can make you think.

The use of words can, in an instant, change your mood, change the way you see something, can change your opinion of someone or of something. A careless word can cause irriparable damage, or unmeasureable happiness, angry words filled with hate, bitterness and feeling of betrayal can wound and damage.

The first word of a beloved child, the last remembered converation with a loved one who has sadly died, the joke that makes you chuckle everythime you recall it, the whispered words of love shared in the most intimate of moments, words of passion, mixed with sweat, heat and lust, words that change our lives, words of employment, of proposal, legal words..........words.........

Millions and millions of words that we speak and hear in our life times.............. some careless thrown out without any thought of their real meaning or how they will be recieved, of the impact they have on others. And those words rehearesed over and over in our heads as we lay awake in the angst filled hours of the night, trying to finalaise what we want to say, to make our meaning clear.........

Today I heard some words......innocent words, words spoken by a child.......she said to me"I love you", out of the blue, with nothing preceding it, she just said it. When I smiled at her and bent to give her a hug she asked "You want to know why?" and in the nano second before I replied, I had thoughts of how I had treated her, how I had responded to her, reassured her, how I had spoken to her...so I nooded  and her reply ........"Because I can"...................

Simple.

Nothing complictaed...just becasue she could, because her heart is filled with love and she has some to spare and she was giving it to me.....just words, but with a powerful meaning behind them. My heart was filled with such lightness and happiness from those simple words..."Because I can".

I thought about how we sometimes complicate the simplest of things and how we simplify the the most complex. How we close ourselevs off in the mistaken belief that we are protecting our hearts, and I will admit to this; frequently and almost always unsuccessfully, how we doubt things and people, question what needent be questioned and how we forget the feeling of "Because I can".

The second lot of words I heard today had a completly differnt affect on me.

When my owner said goodbye to me this morning he signed off with "Be good", I replied "Of course Sir" and quick as a flash came back,  "good slave". Normally it is "Good girl", but today was differnt, and just a change in words, completely changed my mindset. I felt all mushy inside; my cunt clenched and I felt increadiblly submmissive, but equally it also made me smile. It was like a metaphorical pat on the head, like something you would absentminedly say to your dog if you were sitting watching telelvision and it didnt get up and chase a passing cat. Thats what I thought of, and I told him......"I feel like a well behaved dog". He called, but couldn't speak becasue he was laughing so much.

He sent me....."Good girl, go to work".

Both conversations made me very happy. Nothing complicated about either of them, no hidden agenda, no subtle meanings, not room for misunderstanding, just words ...just eight words.... and now twelve hours later I am still smiling...