Then another list arrived: Pegs, ropes weights, vibrator, plug

Oh finally, I have sat down, stopped and have enough time to write. I know there has not been this much of a gap between posts since I started.

There is so much to say and I hope I have enough time to say it.
We have hardly talked in the last few days, in fact if I haven't been working I've been asleep pretty much, apart from one night, when he absolutely insisted that I talked to him.

So late in the night I switched on my computer and saw a list:
Control, pain, silence, obedience, submission, peace.

This was his list of thing he felt had been missing in my life this week.

Then another list arrived:
Pegs, ropes weights, vibrator, plug.

I got everything ready for him and waited by the computer and another email arrived:
Strip, rope, plug, nipple and clit  pegs, kneel, wait

So I stripped and inserted the plug, put my rope around my neck, not tight, but there, so I was aware of it, I attached the pegs to my nipples and clit and knelt down and waited for him.

My email pinged and another one arrived, "Turn the camera on and put your face on the floor with your asre facing me and when you hear me ping turn around and open your cunt for me."

So I did as he said and knelt on the floor, my arse exposed, the plug filling my hole and waited to move position until he had finished looking at me.

Instead of a ping, my phone went and he called and told me to remove the plug and hold my arse open for inspection. Then he told me to replace it, turn around and show him my cunt so he could inspect it, to pull it open by the pegs attached to it. I waited there until he had finished the inspection, waited while he commented on how my cunt was wet.

I stood on instruction so he could see how the pegs were on my nipples, and he told me that I was to attach the weight to the pegs and stand and wait for him. The weights are two small silk bags that had  held  present from him. They get filled with coins,the number and weight of depending on what he wants. I filled the bags and stood.

I could feel the weight pulling down on my nipples, but by standing still I felt I could control how I dealt with the pulling and the pain.

After ten minutes he told me to do and get the thin rope from the cupboard where it is kept. I had to climb up onto the shelf and reach up, and then I had no control over the pain, or how I deat with it, because I couldn't. So it filled me as the weights pulled the pegs, and I knew that this was the moment the control became his again..

I was instructed to fold the rope in half and then tie it to the bags, pulling them together, but still allowing them to hang down and then each end was to be tied to a peg on my cunt, effectively joining my pegged nipples and cunt. My hands were shaking by the time I had finished, my eyes full of tears and my breath catching in my throat.

He then told me I could choose.

I could pull the pegs on my cunt apart and tie them with another rope to my legs, or I could get the vibrator and make myself cum, standing in front of the camera.

I have not cum for what seems like a lifetime, and yet I knew that it would hurt too, but not as much as the first option.

10...9...8....
I hate it when he counts.

7...6...5...
"Cum please Sir"

 I had to walk to the bed and get the vibrator and push it deep into my cunt, turning it on to full.
"Fuck yourself hard slave, ram that vibe in, imagine its my cock fucking you, fucking you like the slave you are"

Standing before him, the rope pulling on my cunt and nipples I fucked myself with the vibrator, the orgasm building deep inside me, coming at me in waves, threatening to overwhelm me, flowing through me .

I begged.

"Please Sir, may your slave be allowed to cum ?"

 "Who do you come for slave"

"Please Sir may your slave be allowed to cum for you Sir ?"

"Are you sure its not for you slave, for your pleasure, this is not about you today?"

And with that I got to the point of no return,but i knew even like that tied, in pain, exposed and fucking myself , I knew if he said stop I would.

"Stand up straight and cum slave"

As I stood up straight the rope pulled on my cunt and nipples and even through the pegs were tight I felt them slipping slowly and excruciatingly painfully off the end of my nipples, and pulling on my cunt at the same time. They pulled off my nipples as I came and fell downwards, the weights attached to the rope pulling on my cunt as the orgasm ripped through me. I cried out and sobbed as the mix of pain and pleasure filled me.

As it subsided, I stood before him, my legs shaking, chest heaving, nipples sore and swollen, the blood rushing in. The rope was swinging form my cunt.

"You are beautiful slave, I love to see you give me your pain, to give me your submission. I love your obidence.Good girl"

 And from deep inside me came the peace, the feelings of submission washed over me. It filled me, took over me and took away the pain.

"Take the pegs of baby, lie on the bed.
Slave you are beautiful, your submission is ht e best gift you can ever give me".

And there I lay. I knew parts of me hurt, I knew that I had pain in me. I knew my holes were still filled, but as I lay on the bed and wrapped myself in my blanket, his voice filled me, my submission completed me.

I was his.

I am.

Feeling his control

I was right about there being something in the air....last night when he came online I could see the glint in his eye, his mind turning.

"You know don't you slave?"
"Oh yes Sir I know"
'You know its not to punish you, you know its just to remind you, about my control, about who and what you are...its not to hurt you?"
"Yes Sir"

So last night after kneeling for a while, he had me slowly undress for him, and as each piece of clothing came off, he examined me,commenting on what he could see. About how soft my skin looked, how he liked my tan, how he liked the way my hair was falling onto my neck. He liked the contrast of my black bra against my skin. When he checked my nipples and the bars, he commented on how happy it makes him to see the symbol of his ownership in my body, the words written around my nipples. He spoke about my cunt, how it was wet, and swollen slightly.

By the time he had finished I was almost purring with happiness and squirming with pleasure.

He told me to collect the small thin cane and two pegs. I had to run the cane over my nipples, and as they became harder and more erect, he had me squeeze and pinch then, pulling them. and then.........
"....get the pegs and peg the cane to your nipples, put the nipple on top of the cane and then peg it, then put your hood on".
As I did the first one, it slipped and I yelped,
"Do it carefully slave".

Again I tried and then began to breathe deeply as the pain flowed through me, the cane firmly attached to my nipples, he had me put the hood on and told me all I was to think about was his voice, that the pain was not important, nothing other than him was important, all I had to think about was him.
And then I had to put my hands behind my back and the pull on my nipples must have made me flinch or gasp.

"The pain is nothing, it is me that you think about, I am the only thing, no pegs no cane, no pain, just me "

And his voice filled my head, the pain subsided and I thought of him, of him looking at me, watching me, enjoying what he saw, knowing he was happy was what became important.

And then one of the pegs pinged off..and I wanted to put it back on for him, but he told me to pull the other one off and cane my nipples five times each, and to do it quickly.

Without thinking I canned them, and waited for him to comment..............he told me to make myself cum.........my cunt was dripping and I came so fast,the orgasm ripping through my body, and as I was cumming he told me to pull the hood off.

After i had cum I stayed there on the floor, kneeling before my owner, waiting for him to talk, unable to look at him , feeling submissive......and he started again, looking at my body, commenting on how it looked now, how he had enjoyed using me , how I was his.

When he had finished, I had to get the cane and the rope, then tying the rope around myself under my tits, I had to tie the cane to myself, criss-crossing the rope around me to ensure that the cane stayed where he wanted it, under my tits.

So for last night I slept with the cane tied to me, tied to my tits, to remind me that it can be used on me, to remind me that whatever he wants to do...he can. And surprisingly , I slept very well, apart from waking once, I slept through the night and  I woke  when he called me, I once again knelt before him and removed the rope and cane, and expecting the pegs again, I waited, not wanting to do it, they were tender and a little sore, but knowing that I would do as he asked. I felt completely under his control, submissive, ready to please him.

The pegs were there, the rope was there, the cane was there...............but once again he examined me, talking about what he saw, commenting on what made him happy.

"Now tell me slave, how do you feel?"

And I thought for a moment , and I thought some more and I had just three words, "Submissive Sir, owned".

"Oh slave you should see the smile on your face".

And he made me lay down on the floor and make myself cum for him, and as I came I was filled with such feeling of submission I asked him if I could be allowed to lie in "my place", face down on the floor, arms behind my back, ankles crossed.

He chuckled and said "Oh course slave, its where you belong, you may get up when you are ready".


And I lay there for about twenty minutes, floating away on a wave of happiness and submission, my mind filled with thought of him, how I can make him happy, how I can be a better slave for him and how I love him.

And when I sat up, he was smiling at me, his glasses on the end of his nose, and I knew he had been reading, waiting for me.

And it felt how it should be...two sides of the coin. two separate people.... one entity.

"Now my slave . off you go and enjoy your last day off, what ever you want, do whatever you want".

 And what I wanted filled my head "And no slave that does NOT included kneeling the in front of me, I'm going to bed, go have fun".

And he sent me away, with a virtual pat on the arse............oh sigh.

a question

Here are some questions I have been pondering for the last 24 hours....

Is realising that what I think I want and need not the same as what he thinks and is not going to happen?

Is knowing that what I say is not going to change things something I have to just accept?

Is admitting to myself that I have given up, submission?
  
I don't think there is any more "fight " left in me, maybe that what he was waiting for.

 I would be very interested in knowing what you think.

limbo

Limbo is where I exist.
My body submits
But my heart is screaming
Free me.
The pain being apart
Has built a wall.
Fear stops my climbing.

Looking in the mirror
and see a stranger.
I have disappeared.

A few well chosen words and a gentle reminder

Last night with a very few, well chosen words he reminded me that I am a slave, his slave. To do with what he wants, to be used as he chooses, to be spoken to as he wishes, to be made to feel and think the way he wants.

With a few well chosen actions he reminded me that I am a slave, his slave.

Once again my tits were bound, although this time not so tightly that it brought tears to my eyes, but then I told to lay in my place, face down on the floor with my hood on again, and I was left.

The first few minutes the rope bit slowly into my tits and they felt like rocks attached to my chest, like the skin was going to break and they were going to burst like overripe plums. then the heat began to fill them, and the pulse from my racing heart filled me too.

I lay there on the floor thinking about how I had behaved, about what I had said to him how I had called him unfair, and how he had smiled at that and told me of course he was unfair. I thought about my lack of trust  and how I should have known better. I thought about many things lying there on the hard floor.

By the time he returned I was cold and stiff, my arms ached, my tits hurt, my shoulder were tight and my cunt was dripping. I was so pleased to see him and so surprised that ninety five minutes had passed.
I knelt up, with the hood still on and was told to slap my swollen tits and then to make myself cum. With my fingers pressing harder and harder on my clit, rubbing and circling it was not long before I was begging to cum, and was granted permission. So kneeling on the floor, tits bound, hooded I came for my owner, and then again, and again and again I had to repeat the process. For three hours he made me repeat the process over and over again until I was crying from frustration at not being able to cum any more, by tits  and nipples sore and bruised, my breath ragged, my cunt swollen, red and sore.

"Slave you will stay there till you cum"
And I did. I stayed there on my knees, a play thing for my owner until once more I pleaded with him to be allowed to cum.

"No slave, you may not cum".

I was sent to brush my teeth, told to put on my rope that ties me at night, it was to be tight so that my knees were bent behind me, up to my arse and my hands near my chin.

I was sent to sleep. each time I moved in the night, I woke, the rope pulling on my wrists, my ankles or my neck, my bound tits still hard against the mattress.

and when I woke in the morning, before he had said, I was told to lie still an go back to sleep until the allotted time...and I did.

There was a message for me.

This is a gentle reminder slave of who and what you are, the control is mine, the choice is mine, no rights, no limits, no choice...every breath, every moment , everything is mine. slave, you are mine.

 I felt waves of happiness wash over me as I crawled from my bed and lay face down on the floor to wait for my owner.

Resolution and submmission

I always find New Year difficult, I think I always have. Its the arbitrariness of it all, just some random day with no deeper significance.

I have done the whole get drunk, snog various people, leap in fountains, ski down a mountain at midnight, gaze up at the stars in the Moroccan dessert and feel my insignificance in the greater scheme of things. Ive done the stay at home in bed with the flu; every pore of my skin hurting and snot flowing freely, I've done the gazing at my brand new baby, filled with wonder and fear for what the future will hold for them, I've done the "I'm sad, depressed, all alone New Year " wallowing in self pity and downing a bottle of wine weeping to self imposed selection of weepy songs that only women understand how important it is to play. I have done the stand under the tropical moon and gaze into the surf, I've done a lot of I'm so tired I will never make it to midnight type of celebration too.

I feel I have done a pretty fair selection of celebrations of New Year.

And when it is over, and the the next day dawns, I have done both the looking forward and looking back.

I've counted my blessings, pondered my fate, made plans, crossed things off lists, given myself a good talking too, wept at the sadness of some years and laughed at the joy I have had in other.

Usually my year starts in March, at the beginning of spring, but this year is different.

I have spent that last 24 hours thinking hard about things and it was sin and doubleknots recent posting that began to focus my thinking.
The difference between submission and obedience is sometimes so subtle, that it only happens in one's head, and that is what I have to do.
 
I have to submit.

Not just my body, but all of me. My heart, my soul, my mind. Those darkest corners of my mind where I hide things, where the whole"trust" bit lurks.

So this is my resolution, not chosen by me, but by him, the one I submit to......and that is the first bit.

I am sure I will still find it difficult, will fight against it some of the times, struggle, sulk(and no I'm not a brat, the sulking is in my head) but within this learning, is where I find my peace, my contentment, my happiness, how I make my owner  and therefore myself happy.This is what he wants, my total submission.

Thank you Sir for allowing me this, for giving me this task.