More questions than answers

Today he is busy....today I have to put myself to bed...............tonight I will go to sleep without him being there to say goodnight to me.

Some times this has made me feel so very sad and alone, even knowing that I am not alone, I am his so how can I be alone..............but now?

I am not sure...do I feel alone?

 Do I feel deep within my heart and soul I am his? I am not sure.  and that frightens me more than if I knew for certain one way or the other.

He tells me I am his, he tells me I have no choice but to be his, as he has said that is how it is.
But.........does what is inside me, that doubt, that uncertainty count................and
I want to talk about it, but he will not...............

And so once again I am in waiting mode.

He has talked about when I will be home again, about how busy he is, and how little time we will have and yet he does not see that that is the very heart of the problem....................

This month is apparently Q and A month......but it feels like I have more than enough Q and A of my own that are unanswerable.
But please feel free to ask any questions.......I may be able to answer yours...coz I sure as  hell can't answer my own.................but then maybe I shouldn't even be trying too.

Action or inaction...either is wrong

There are those moments and those words when you know, just know that whatever you say, it is going to be wrong.

Your action or inaction is going to get you into trouble. Whatever you say or don't say is like digging a hole and jumping feet first into it.

I have several of those moments this morning.

Firstly I am meant to write words of his choosing on me every day, and for sometime I have not. A circumstance changed and he didn't say anything and so neither did I. As the weeks have gone by, I just thought he had forgotten, changed his mind or lost interest in me doing it, which is fine by me.

Not that I  am particularly bothered about doing it, sometimes it makes me all mushy inside, but he has talked about having it tattooed onto me, just under each nipple, and I just hate the idea of a tattoo.
Its just one of those things I have a real aversion to and he knows that, and I suppose somewhere deep in my slavey brain that's what it feels like. so I haven't done it.

Today he asked me to show him my nipples, which I did think was a little strange, as he sees them all the time, and it was only a little later that I realised what he was angling at.......and my heart sank. He asked me why I thought that I was in a position to make a decision regarding what marks I do or do not have on me......................what could I say? Nothing, nothing at all. whatever I said would make it worse.

He was then on a roll, every thing he could think of, he did say it was partly his fault, as he hadn't picked me up on the little slips, sometimes hoping that I would notice myself, but anyway, he was not a happy owner.

He then asked me if I wasn't sure of the rules any more, if I needed him to go over them again........this was the big one.

I know I am allowed to ask for clarification, politely, but I am allowed to ask.

So now what do I do, do I say yes or do I say no?

If i said no and then forgot one or misinterpreted it because I had forgotten it in in entirety then I would be in trouble for not using my brain and asking.

 If I said yes, then the implication being that I hadn't been paying attention, and I had forgotten something he had told me.

As I said 'Yes please". I knew it was the wrong answer, but so would "No thank you" have been too.

His reply?

"After all this time, you need a reminder?
Tonight I am to get reminders of each and every rule.
In the meantime, the sharpie pen was used to write "I am a slave,  I have no choice. This slave belongs to Sir"