"you are many things....but first and foremost you are my slave"

I am now a snot free zone. I would have written earlier, but here in "far away" blogger was unavailable, some of my comment have been wiped off and we had no connection for  a few day...but at last things seem to be working again.

Somehow "he" managed to find the right moment to get online, when it was working and decided that he had waited long enough for me to be well, that whilst he understood I was sick and wanted me to get better, more important things were stirring. He "has needs". ....and as it is my job to make sure that he is happy, and that is my main concern in life, in fact my very role...it was time for me to do my job and be pleasing and entertaining.

However.

There was one comment I made, just one little sentence...all I did was mention in a slightly sarcastic tone that I had not been well..............................and all hell broke loose.

He was not happy with my tone

He was not happy with the contents of my remarks

He was not happy with my attitude

In fact

He was not happy fullstop.

My use of the words "I am not happy" imply that I am feeling a little down, or maybe upset, or worried or just a bit sad.
His use of the words "I am not happy" .......well that means something entirely different altogether.

It means..................there is something you have done slave, or said, or thought that has now changed how I am feeling. There is something that has happened that I do not like and I am going to change it back....SOMETHING WILL BE DONE.

It really was just one of those throw away remarks, flippant.....
He told me that speaking to him like that was not acceptable, that he had been concerned when I was sick, he had been thoughtful and caring and I didn't need to remind him I had been ill, he had spent several days watching me work my way through boxes of tissues etc.

He asked me if I was better........of course I was better....."Yes Sir thank you, I feel fine now".
"Come back in an hour" I was told, "and in that hour I want you to think about what has made me less than happy."

So an hour later I came back and knelt before him to explain.

"Strip slave, no talking.I don't want to hear a sound from you. Get the butt plug and vibrator".

I can only say I scampered off and got them , returning to my place on my knees , and with my rope around my neck I knelt, waiting.
"Butt plug first slave, then vibrator. Get a peg and put it on your tongue" then TENS unit pads went onto each nipple and was turned to sixty percent, then the rope was pulled tighter around my neck, so I could feel it, and looped over my shoulders and wrapped around my feet.

"Turn around slave, on your knees, arse in the air, face on the floor and use that vibrator, use it hard, ram in in and fuck yourself"

Within about fifteen seconds I was desperate to cum..............he was very clear it wasn't going to happen. I couldn't ask..............

My mind filled with nothing with the sensations of the vibrator and the plug, the pain from the TENS and the awareness of the rope on my heck and feet...............

"Cum for me slave"
I didn't need telling twice.... I did.

And as  he kept me there, with my head on the floor, the drool leaving one puddle and the juices from my cunt dripping down my legs I felt overwhelmed by his control.

"Get the hood"
I crawled to where I had left the hood.
"Put it on"
I put it on and stayed where I was.
Back where you belong slave"
I knelt before him
"On no slave that is not where you belong, that is where I let you be when I am happy. You belong over by the wall, on your knees with your face on the floor and your arse in the air."

And so feeling shamed, I crawled back there, remembering that I should never assume anything , I turned around and faced the wall, opened my legs , put my shoulders to the floor and felt my face press into the hood as I lay it on the hard wood.

"Now tell me what you thought about in your hour slave."

And so inside the hood, with the peg on my tongue , I mumbled and tried to speak, to explain I was sorry for the remark, that I know how much he cares about me, how he had worried I was sick, how he had looked after me as much as he could from far away, I tried to appologise for my rudeness, for making him "Less than happy".

When I had finished he left me there and told me to listen for his return.

Maybe ten minutes passed and I heard him, I heard the click of his camera shutter, the zoom of the lens, and his voice
"Get up slave, turn around and come to the camera,"

I crawled closer to the computer and following his instructions adjusted, I removed the hood.

And as I did he was taking photos, my face was  damp from sweat and drool, my hair too, my eyes wide , tear stained and the peg still on my tongue.


He allowed me to remove the peg and turn off the unit..................."You want a shower slave? "
I went to answer him...."Oh no slave, no talking, if you want to talk you will wear the peg" So I nodded.

"Go have your shower , get dry and come back here."

I stood in the hot shower, thinking of what had happened, feeling the water on my body, wanting to stay there forever, yet wanting to be back with him. I wrapped a big towel around myself for comfort and returned to my knees.

"On the bed slave, and remember no talking"

Taking the towel off I climbed into bed.

"I have sent you something slave , I want you to open it now and thin about what I have sent you"
I opened the email and there were the pictures he had taken.

"Remember my slave , you are many things in life, many thing to many people. To me also you are many thing, but first and foremost..............you are my slave. Don't ever forget that"

Another email arrived and this one contained a video of me struggling not to cum, my plugged arse facing the camera, as I ram the big vibrator over and over again into my cunt.

And I started to cry..................big sobs, more snot,

and when I had calmed down a little he asked me what I felt
I reached for the peg and put it on my tongue and told him
""relief Sir"
"You see slave I know what you need, I know what is best for you, all I do I do with your best interests at heart"
He told me to remove the peg, I wasn't not to speak again. In fact I was not to speak to him again until he told me I could. And that when I am alone I am to wear a peg closing my lips and when I am with him I will wear it too................time to think before I open my mouth , and if I want to speak I must put my hand up like a child........and he will decide if I may speak................but for the next two days he will be away and I will not get to talk with him at all, no calls, no text, no IM, no nothing.

I will be allowed to talk with him, but it will be limited when he comes back, so I will have to think more carefully about the words I use and what I say. Speaking like anything else in not a right, it is a gift from him

So now I am alone, with the peg on my lips, closed together, silenced and I am full of words I want to say to him, but until Monday night there will be nothing.

I am his slave. I am his

"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".

I couldn't bear to look at him, I really felt like I was being broken, I felt broken, but I really didn't think that I could handle this any more.
The thought of months and months without him, followed by a few stolen days again, followed by more months away from him..................it filled  me with what I can only describe as abject fear, I was worried about my mental health, its like seeing water in the desert and getting there and finding just enough to keep you alive, no more , no less and knowing that there will be more, but not knowing when.....and I just couldn't cope with the thought of it.

He bent down and pulled my up by my hands and sat me on the bed and asked me to explain where all this had come from, why I had not said anything the day before, or the one before that...................and I tried to explain to him, that it was inside me, like some rotting, evil thing that I had tried to overcome and couldn't, that I had tried to keep inside me, but I feared it and feared it would destroy me as I had once been almost destroyed before, I explained and I loved him and didn't want to hurt him, but I HAD to say it all, I couldn't not say.

I looked at his face and he was white, I thought he was angry and then I saw the tears in his eyes and  I wished I had not spoken, I wished I could take away all the words.

Maybe I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, thinking about what I needed, putting my needs first, above his, but I was torn with the thoughts that if I hadn't said anything then I was not being honest and in all of everything, I have been honest with him, and he knows that.

He asked me if this was what I really wanted and I started to cry again, to become hysterical, was that  what I wanted.?...no it wasn't, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I believed I  needed.

And for a long time there was silence..........painful silence that burned into my heart and he called to me, but he called me my given name and I remember putting my hands over my ears and wanting him to stop, but he talked to me calmly and said if that was what I wanted then it was how it would be.

This left me feeling stunned...empty...like a hand had reached inside me and ripped out my heart....I felt, bereaved.

He told me I didn't need the rope on anymore, but I couldn't take it off,  just couldn't. My hands wouldn't move, I couldn't take it off.

He walked over towards me and, looking at me he took the rope of and it fell................. in slow motion ...............to the floor at my feet.
I stopped there, not knowing what to do next.

I remember saying...........

"But I don't know what to do now, I don't know, I just don't know".

And he sat and looked at me, and I buried my head in my hands.

Time stood still,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I don't know what happened, what was said, I felt like someone had died, I wished I had died.

I didn't want to hurt him, but I didnt know what elese to do, I felt there was no other option.

I remember at some point he told me that he wasn't staying in the hotel all day and that we needed to go out, to get a bit of perspective...............so we went to the nearest town, some tourist place and we wandered aimlessly round.

 We went to the pub and sat like strangers, I couldn't speak, every time I tried , I began to cry, I couldn't look at him, I began to cry, so he took me back outside and we wandered around more in the cold.
He had to go to a shop to get something, and he asked me if I wanted anything, I said no, and he growled at me that I was infuriating and I walked away, unable to be with him, unable to feel how awful I was.

We got back to the car and he told me I was rude, and I wanted to tell him he was horrid but couldn't , because he wasn't, he was hurting like me.

He drove me back to the hotel and left me in the room, I packed my bags, I was leaving the next morning.

I felt sick,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what had I done, oh what had I done?

I looked at the rope, still on the floor where it had dropped and I crawled across the floor to where it lay and lay down next to it and lay my head on it and cried, I wept for all the things we had, all the things we shared and all the things he thought I was throwing away........... I cried like I have never cried before.

And that is where he found me  and hour or so later.

He told me to shower and dress, we were going out for dinner.

 We sat in an empty Indian restaurant, and he ordered food, which I pushed around my plate and he told me that he had been thinking about what I said and that he had been so shocked he had responded too fast, and that I was his, until he decided otherwise, not me, he owned me and that was how it is.

I wanted to shout at him, to hit him, I wanted to scream....... did he not realise how much courage it had taken for me to say anything, let alone ask him to release me..........didn't he understand anything?

But instead I sat in stunned silence..........................I didn't want him to think I hadn't meant what I had said, because I did, I had .....................................
He told me to eat my food, I shook my head.

He growled,"Eat something"
and I did, I didn't want to,  I thought i may choke on it, may throe up there and then,but..... out of habit, I did as he told me.

He drove us back in silence, I got ready for bed in silence, and we lay there, in icy silence, wrapped in our own thoughts.............mine was misery........... why woudln't he listen to me. and his? I don't know.

It was a long sleepless night for us both, the gulf between us like the thousands of miles I was about to physically put between us.

I wanted to be far away, but I didn't want to leave him, I didn't want to go, but I was by now so confused by everything........................ I was a mess.

He had offered to take me to the airport, I wanted to say no, I wanted to ask him how did he think it was going to be,Ii wanted to tell no, don't take me, drop me off, let me get a taxi, I' dont want it, I don't want to say goodbye to you, not in a cold and impersonal airport.

But I knew I wouldn't and I lay there waiting for the day to start so it would be over and more than anything I wanted to freeze time; to stay there next to him, however unhappy I was because the thought of being without him was far worse.

What does darkness sound like?

Openness is hard for the self sufficient, the wounded, the woman filled with  determined self preservation and yet it is the thing I yearn for, the thing I strive to be...to  be open...the one thing, after obedience, my Master demands of me. 

I try, I struggle.

Its like dipping your toe in the cool waters of a still lake at sunset............you see the ripples slowly spread across the surface of the water, altering the picture created on the lake, moving floating objects,making floating leaves dance, changing shadows, distorting images. And if you peer into the rippled water, you see your reflection, altered, facets of it changing moving, developing......................until you no longer look like yourself.............and for that brief moment you are , to yourself, unrecognisable.

And once again I have been in trouble for the same thing..not being open.

We are at present, thousands of miles apart, and so online, on the phone, is how we have to communicate, and its hard................and for the last two days to every question of "how are you?' and "how are you feeling?" the word that i have used is"fine".....................this is not what he hears...............he hears what my heart speaks late in the night, in the aloneness, the quiet moments, and he pushes and pushes, probes and probes................until he has to resort to pain to get me to open  up.

The hood is something he uses, and I hate it, its not dark, its not tight, its not even tied, but I feel myself shutting off inside, like lights on a stage closing down at the end of a show, hearing my breathing, trying to slow it , until it slows and I can hear it no longer, and I begin to wonder if I am there at all..................and I wait to hear him, any little noise.wishing.............and I hear the silence and it is black and the black is silent.

And I wait..until all I am doing is waiting and breathing.................and I fear hearing him because I know what will follow.................pain...........and questions............and pushing........and probing...............and making me.........open up................. and when I finally answer his question , after an hour of pain, the tears pouring down my face, sobbing, gasping for breath.....................he says.................."why was that this hard to ask for?" How do I answer that? the answer fills my head; letters, words, phrases jumbling as they drip  out, unseen ................asking for more when someone gives you so much, although its not "more" , its "different" what I need..........................something to make the feeling of time and space between us diminish.

And for a brief moment I long for the darkness again, when all it was about was breathing, and then a lightness fills me. He is right; being open is so much better.................it doesn't matter what happens to the ripples on the water...they are out of my control .It is him that tells me to put my toe in, how far and when to take it out again.It is him who manipulates the distortions, the shadows and the changes and it is him who makes me what I am, without him, how would I be who and what I am.

..and what did I ask for, what did I need? I needed him to leave me more off lines...nothing more,,,time differences make life difficult and somehow 12 hours is warped into 20...that is all....it was easy really......all I had to do was ask.