Removing words from my voacbulary.....I need a Thesaurus

This is control. 

This is how he makes me think about things, about how I talk, how I respond, how I think.

This morning, for a few reasons I felt far away from home, very far. Far from friends and he knew why because in the spirit of being open ( haha in the spirit...under instruction on pain of all sorts of wickedly ownerish torture and abuse) I had told him and he knew.

He was kind and loving and asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and I declined his offer, which he accepted.............. and said I was fine.

He knew I wasn't, I knew I wasn't, but we left it at that....................

But now he has removed two words from my vocabulary..well phrases......"I'm fine" and "I'm ok"........also the use of the word "no" is to be banned completely, never to be uttered again.......so for the time being.................

I'm fine.

I'm ok.

No no no no no no

Last night I said no

We were playing last night, we had been talking for 3 hours and he decided it was time to play silly games again. We were laughng, he had me doing all sorts of silly things again, and I was laughing, thinking sometimes we all forget about the fun , the laughter and the joy that being a slave can bring.

We were laughing.

And then, "I know, we'll play truth or dare" And without thinking out of my mouth came that forbidden word. Although its not the word itself, its the intent behind it.

It was emphatic.

No

I wanted the ground to open up, I wanted the world to end.

I heard him ask, very quietly" What did you say?"

I couldn't answer him, I just couldn't , I couldn't speak, I couldn't look at him.

Silence...................

"Face the wall"

I stood facing the wall, tears pouring down my face, silently collecting under my chin, dropping onto the floor.
My shoulders began to heave, great sobs filled my chest, caught in my throat .......and escaped.

And I stood there filled with unhappiness and overwhelming shame.

He called me back to him.

I knelt...I waited.

" I should punish you" he said "but I see I don't need to".

And gently, very gently he talked to me, his voice caressing my bruised heart. He told me to look at him, and I did. I felt his love, his compassion, his understanding and his control.

"Truth or dare?"
'Truth Sir" I managed to answer
"What do you need most?"
"You Sir"

And I felt owned.

I felt free.