It is not a good idea to tell your owner that he is harrassing you

The last few days have been filled with frustration. My passport has gone" walk about". I have been promised it will be back when I need it, but I am beginning to get a little anxious, well more than a little anxious, in fact, I am chomping at the bit. I have not got to the stamping my foot bit yet, but will be there soon.

 Then my back account has had something funny (as in peculiar, most definitely not amusing) happen to it, and I cannot get any money out unless I present myself to the bank with my ID card and my Passport(see above)...so life is a little trying at present.

Add to that communication has been difficult with my owner, My laptop has been in for repair and so I have have had to rely on my phone, which would have been fine, except I broke my old one and bought a new one, which is an Android phone. Anyone over 40 should not be given a new phone and be expected to be able to use it within the next week...OMG...its driving me crazy.

My owner has got very frustrated, I have missed calls, missed phone dates etc etc. I was given a big lecture about being there when I was told to be.

I told him that he was harassing me...oh dear that did not go down well at all...he was not impressed, at all, in fact I was punished for being rude, being late and generally just being arsy.

I had to stand on tiptoe, facing the wall, with my nipples pegged and keep the sim card from my phone pressed to the wall with my nose, and after thirty minutes of this I was allowed to stop.
Thinking it was over, I started to ask to be allowed to say that I was sorry when he  had me peg my mouth together. Not just one peg, but six pegs. I hate this more than just about anything, and then I had to put the hood on. I was left to think about my behaviour for a while and then he began to give me instructions.

"Bend over and hold your ankles"

"Do star jumps"

"Touch your toes"

More and more instruction followed...from the ridiculous to the demanding to painful and  humiliating.

On and on it went, for hours, on and off. he would stop and start again, pegs on, pegs off, hood on, hood off,...until he asked...

"Do you feel harassed yet slave? "

I didn't know what to answer.

""You are not harassed slave, I tell you to do something and you do it, that is how it is, If I want to phone you every five minutes all night then I can. I would not because it is not in your best interests, but I can, and I would expect you to answer the phone, politely each time. I was trying to get hold of you, I was waiting around for you to respond. That is NOT how it should be. You will not keep me waiting again, without a very good reason, and I expect you to tell me if ANY of your plans have to be changes. Do you understand?"

I was ashamed of how I had been behaving. Instead of talking to him and telling him what was going wrong and how I was feeling, I thought that as there was nothing he could do, I would just get on with it and then lashed out at him when it all went more wrong.

"Go to bed and think about what you have done, and what you should have done, I want an email by 9am telling me what you think. Sleep well slave, remember  love you and that I always want what is best for you. When I have read your email I will talk to you. Goodnight "

And with that i was sent to bed. I cried a little, fumed a little and fell asleep thinking about what to write. I woke early the next morning and wrote him a short email about  what I thought, and with my finger hovering over th esend button, I closed my eyes and pressed it.

I waited and very soon he signed into speak to me.
One word popped up.

"Finished"

 I did not know what it meant...had he finished reading it...what?

He turned the camera on...
"He was smiling at me....."Its finished slave, done with, good girl "

OH sigh, I felt so much better.

He was right, I should have told him, should have given him the opportunity to have his say, offer his advice and opinion, it is not my choice to decide which bits of my life I include him in, all of my life is his.
I am his.

The conversation went like this

"Hello Slave...no talking just listen".

I want to see you naked on your knees, kneeling before me your rope around your neck, your skin wet from a shower.

I want to know that you are there, ready before me, waiting to please your owner, ready to do whatever you are asked, ready to willingly do anything, take anything and be anything.

I want you to imagine yourself there now, waiting for me, feeling my hand slowly tracing down your body, cupping your breast, gently squeezing your nipple, feeling the bar I put inside you as a sign of my ownership.

I want to to think of the times you have waited like this for me, sometimes for minutes and sometimes for hours. I need you to think how you have felt as you have waited, how you have longed to feel my hand on you. How sometimes it has been gentle, caring and soft and how other times I have come up behind you and pulled your hair backwards, or how I have squeezed your nipples so hard that your knees have buckled , or the times I have pulled you up by your nipples and squeezed your breast so hard that you have cried.

Can you feel my hand slave, can you, slipping slowly round your neck, gently squeezing, your eyes on mine until I press harder and harder, and noises and sensations become detached in your brain?

Can you feel yourself struggle for breath as I close my hand over your mouth, and how you know I may close my fingers over your nose, your very breath under my control?

Think how you feel slave, when you are against the wall, or your arse in the air and I am examining you, how you feel when I make you eat and drink from your bowl, my foot on your neck or your rope pinning you to the ground at my feet. Think how you feel when your crawl across the floor drooling and begging me to allow you to suck my cock, or be allowed to cum. And think how you feel when I say no, how you have pleaded and begged me. How do you feel when I call you slut, toy, it, pain toy, slave? How does it feel when you are left on the floor and I step over you, or when I treat you as just another one of my things, one of my possessions?

When you sleep at night slave, next to me how do you feel? Is it different when you sleep at my feet, or when I make you sleep on the floor? Or when I wake you at night to please me , to suck my cock, or to play with yourself for my enjoyment?

Think my slave how these things make you feel.

When I tell you what you may or may not do, when I have you remain still or fear the consequences, when I bound you, the rope tightening as you move, the times the ropes holds you open exposing you, giving unrestricted access to your body and thus your soul.

And how my slave does it feel when you are spanked? My hand on your arse, or the crop, biting into you, stinging, think of the sound of my belt as I take it off and you know it will be used on your body and how you hold yourself still for me while I use it on you, on your arse, your body, your breasts. Think how your feel when you see my hand reach for the whip, think slave.

This slave, is your life, you are mine, and everything you have and do is mine to control, every pleasure , every pain, every breath..................my control slave.

I will talk tou you tomorrow slave, go to bed and No talking to anyone, I want my words to fill your head, don't speak, no tv no radio, no music tonight, go to sleep".

And I went to bed, my cunt dripping with longing, my head filled with his voice and my night filled with the images he had planted there, flashing images in my dreams that left me wanting him, needing those feeling he had talked about, needing to feel his control, needing that submissive feeling to wash over me, flow into my body, my heart, my soul, my being.

This morning he did not mention his phone call, did not refer to it, it was like it never happened. I began to wonder if I had imagined it, dreamt it, but I looked on my phone and he  HAD called.

Now he is working..........................*sigh*
.

Cumming or Jelly Babies?

Why is it, just when you are feeling at your least sexy, when you have more metaphorical Bridget Jones big pants on (see previous post), when you feel fat, and want to eat cookies till you feel sick, or plate loads of pasta, drink a beer and belch like a cowboy...why is it then, at that very moment they demand you feel sexy?

Why?

Because they can.

Why did he, last night, decide that it would be a good thing to do to tell me to cum for him, to please him, excite him, when what I wanted to do was curl up with a nice cup of tea on the sofa with a crappy girly book and a packet of jelly babies.

Because he could.

So there I was, kneeling naked on the floor, the air con was not working, so I was slightly sweaty...bear in mind this is an understatement, it was 39C again today and 85% humidity. A sheen of sweat was forming over my body, which he seemed to appreciate.

He told me to get the bowl...the one from which I have to drink when he feels the need to humiliate me, or in his words"when you need to be humiliated", which actually reading it, I think those are two separate things.

Anyway, the bowl was brought out and he told me to look at it, to think about what it meant, what it was. My initial answer was "a bowl".....not entirely true,it is so much more, and we talked about that. He then told me to put the bowl at my feet, and there it stayed for a while while he talked to me about my submission, about how I had to obey him, how regardless of anything; his feelings, anything.................... I am first and foremost...his slave.

I had to put the vibrator in my cunt which was surprisingly wet................ and then he told me to climb up on the bed, and to use the vibrator to make myself cum...but to do it very, very slowly.

I'm not sure what happened, but somewhere along the line.........somewhere in all of this.................I sort of changed my mind........I wanted to cum............for him, to make him happy, to please him. And so very slowly and with just the most gentle of touches for a long time, I played with the vibrator, inside my cunt, on the lips of my cunt, gentle teasing my clit until I was at screaming point..........and waited for the words I needed to hear."cum for me slave"

And when I came............................I floated away on a blissful cloud of happiness as he called me his 
"Good girl".....and lay there with a silly grin on my face.

Somehow the thoughts of cookies, beer, belching and shed loads of jelly babies no longer filled my head...........all I could think of was him, my Master, my Owner.

Humiliation and submission

I was exhausted yesterday after a very sleepless night, and so was very glad when my owner sent me to bed without using me in any way. I think I may have fallen asleep mid usage...........which I don't think would have bee overly impressive. Luckily he knows me so well..so off to bed I went.

In the morning I woke early after a good nights sleep, and he was waiting for me, ready to pounce.
We talked as we normally do and then he started with the questions. He knows that when he asks me too many questions that sometimes I feel overloaded. Its not that I cant cope with the questions, its the answers I find difficult. Having to face some of those things we don't like to face is difficult. He also knows if he pushes me that sometimes I get pushed into a submissive place, and give him what he wants; he knows so well how to do it, which questions to ask, how to push my buttons.

So we had questions like  "Tell me the thing you miss most when you are away, the thing I do to you" or "Tell me what is the first thing you would like me to do when you get back" and other things along a similar theme.

I thought about it before I answered...... What would be the first thing?

Would it be beat the stuffing out of me?
Tie me to a post and whip me till I beg for him to stop?
Would it be to go across his knee and be spanked until my arse was on fire?
NO........................ it was.................
The thing I want him to do most of all, first off.................. is to hold me.
And as for the thing I miss the most?

Its when he strokes mt hair, almost absentmindedly, when I am sitting at his feet, or lying in his arms.


*Few little tears here:( *

But then we moved on to the "Things you don't like" list.

By this stage I had moved outside, and was sitting having a nice cup of tea in a warm breeze, enjoying the cool of the early morning.

He has never been one for showing me in public, no public displays for humiliation or similar. So when he said to me "You can choose....to stand against the wall, to get the bowl or to play with the toy where you are now" I was sort of struck silent for a moment.
"Really?" I asked.
"Really"This was not a joke.................this was for real.

He never ceases to surprise me..........and so I pondered these things in my mind, well not so much pondered them .......rather juggled with them, tossing them in the air, trying to see which was the one that made me feel least exposed and vulnerable.


This was bearing in mind that I would be able to be seen if someone was looking in my direction...not like being on the main street, but if someone was up early and looked out of the window...... there I would be.

I was sent  to get the vibrator, and once more in it went.............mmm nice!

But then he made me decide................such a difficult choice, but in the end I decided to choose the bowl, drinking out of a bowl on the floor.....this would normally be my least popular choice, but under the circumstances it was, I felt, the one with the least rick of being visible.

He told me to put the bowl on the floor and to get on my knees. He told me to position the computer so he could see me lapping from the bowl.

He told me to lap from the bowl like a puppy.
Then to look at him, to take three laps and look at him , and to repeat this until he told me to stop.

Somewhere along the line, I felt myself blushing, the red heat of embarrassment and shame creeping down my neck, the thought that someone else may see me............and then when I looked at him again.

"Now make yourself cum"

So on my knees,lapping from the bowl, looking at him from under the table, I came...............silently..............when what I wanted to do was vanish...but instead I put my head down and continued to lap.

He told me to sit back on the chair, to look at him, I wanted to stay under the table and wallow in my humiliation, to wrap it around myself and cry with shame, but he talked to me. Reminded me that it was not my fault, it was not my choice, it was my job to do as I was told, he told me he knew I didn't want to do it, but the need to submit was stronger than the fear of humiliation and exposure, he reminded me he had made me do it, that I was doing it to please him, that he was pleased with me.
I wanted to crawl onto his lap and be held, to feel his arms around me, to hear his voice, but I also wanted to be left alone....to be able to get my head around how I was feeling.

He could see how I was feeling and asked if i wanted to go...... after a while he let me go, he made me eat breakfast first, he called me two or three time during the day, and sent a couple of text to tell me he loves me, to tell me I was his girl, to make me "feel" those hugs......and now I am big submissive heap.

He is away for a few days working, with little chance to contact me...but its ok.....I am good.......he has "sent" me to a place where I am safe and content to wait until he comes back.

Retraining in readiness.

Today was one of those days when I would have liked to curl up on the sofa with a big cup of tea, a magazine, a good DVD and my dog. Its rainy and cold, the sky is gray and everything feels damp.

The rain has been falling for about 24 hours now, some of it big slow splotchy rain that feels warm when you have to walk in it, some of the rain is like a fine mist, hanging over the jungle in low clouds and soaking everything, the rest is just rain; endless endless rain.

There was no DVD, no magazine and sadly no dog, instead there was my usual rituals for my owner first things this morning, a quick call to him, but the "satellite bounce" made it difficult to hear him. and then a couple of hours in the gym, where outside the windows I could see a family of monkeys sheltering under leaves.

Through the noise on the phone, I did hear that he plans to use me and to prepare everything; to take ice cubes and my bowl with me to bed..................he knows that it has been difficult for me and has decided to make sure that by the time I meet him. He knows me so well, has turned me into the slave he wants. He knows the affect of humiliation has on me, and uses it to his best advantage and this is where I guess he will start my retraining. we will be working on my mindset, to correct it, to how it should be, that I am ready to submit to him fully again, to follow his instructions and orders without question or delay, to hand over all my trust back to him, and to let him take over my life again.
I am excited, nervous  and know the nest few weeks will be difficult , but I know it is necessary.

The thoughts I had today

Today I was by myself and it was wonderful.

I do like the company of other people. I also love sitting in a room surrounded by people, or watching people at airports, watching the ebb and flow,the purpose with which people move, the expressions on their faces, the myriad of emotions on display.

I like overhearing half conversations, either because it is "half a conversation", like overhearing a phone call, or just being able to hear snatches of a whole conversation; the interplay of words, expression , intonation and questioning.

I like being able to watch people talk when I can't hear them, watching their faces their body language and how they become part of their surroundings or are completely cocooned in their own private world.

I love the fact that it is like a snapshot of people's lives, a moment frozen in time, an distorted opinion of what and who they are that often bears no relation to reality.........that's what I like about it........its like a play, with an ever changing company of characters.

But today I was by myself....in my car. Isolated in my own little world, my own little environment where I get to control the temperature, the sounds I hear and even to a great extent the sights I see.

I was in control, there was no one but me. In my car is one of the places I think, so is the shower, and my favourite place is sitting on the beach gazing out at the ocean. I like the fact that its ever changing but also entirely predictable.

So today in the think that I was thinking, I thought about the year that I have had, the year we have had. How far I have come, how he has taught me, led and guided me. The level of his patience when I close down and find it hard to be as open as he demands.

I thought about how he has let me live the life I needed to lead, how he allowed me to leave when it was needed and how he has worked so hard to find the time, against all the odds to ensure that things remain the same. I have thought how he has supported me through some difficult times this year and how I know that the support will continue.

I thought about how he seems to instinctively know what it is I need and that sometimes he just does it and other times he makes me work it out, ask for it, beg for it and then thank him when he has finished.

I though about how he has beaten me, with his hand, his fist, canes, whips, crops, anything that he thinks will be effective, how I have dreaded it and how I have longed for it with every cell in my body, how my whole body has hurt and  how it has stopped my heart hurting.

I thought about how I have been bound and restrained; how there have been times when I haven't been able to move at all, how other times any movement will result in pain and discomfort. Other times I have had to ask before moving at all, and how many hours I have been at the end of his rope.

I thought of the times he has stroked my hair, allowed me to kneel at his feet, my head on his knee, how he has held me and comforted me, soothed me while I sobbed from pain, and how he has lifted me up and looked into my eyes and I have seen his happiness, his pleasure and his pride.

I thought of the times he has rammed his cock into me, forcing it down my throat till I gag and plead for breath, how he has pounded  into me until I am too sore to walk, and of the pleasure he gets from it, and how he allows me to cum, how I have to cum for him and being allowed to have his cock in my mouth and the pleasure I get from that.

I thought about he times he has humiliated me, made me feel less than nothing, just a thing for his amusement, a toy for his pleasure, for him to use and hurt for his own enjoyment and I have realised that this does not make me less than nothing, it makes me what I am, his slave.

I thought about when he has quietened me with a single look, made me still with a single word.

I thought about how he has enslaved my soul, my life and my heart and by doing so has set me free

No sleeping on the bed

He feels that my impending weekend away necessitates some reminder for me about control, a reminder of what I am.

Last night I was sent to be early with some ice cubes. Before he has melted them in my cunt, but this time he used them to chill my nipples bars.......................what kind of wicked mind thinks that? Does he not know how painful it is? Doesn't he..........?

Oh yes he does.

I waited for some more things from the list to be used, waited on my knees with my rope around my neck; once again tight enough to feel, but no more.

And pegs were on my ears to remind me to listen.

He reminded me that I have no rights, nothing is guaranteed. the only thing that is for sure in my life is that I am his slave.

Anything I am given can be taken away............anything.

My cup was taken away......................and now I am only allowed to lap from the plastic plate he has given me., with a reminder that that too can be taken.

I was placed once again, face down on the  hard wooden floor, with the pegs on my half frozen nipples, arms behind my back, legs crossed and that hated hood on.

And he left me.

And he left me; I could hear nothing but the fan slowly moving the hot air around the room.

And I waited, and waited. Slowly my nipples thawed out and the pain set in. feeling the wooden floor pressing against my squashed nipples.

And I could feel my cunt clenching, becoming wetter despite myself.

Finally I heard him return and waited for him to speak. Time passed slowly...very slowly.
and then he talked again about what I am allowed, what I have a right to.

 When he allowed me to remove the hood,I realised I had been lying on the floor for over  an hour. I was so close to falling into that blissful floaty place, where I seem incapable of doing anything, yet will do anything he says. where I remember almost nothing, but images gradually float back into my mind, snatched phrases, feeling, sounds.

He did not want me to go there and so, a few choice words and I was back.

He had me  complete my night time rituals, remove the pegs, get ready for bed...............and just as I was about to climb onto the bed....................STOP, NO BED.

And so last night I slept on the hard wood floor, my arms and feet bound as usual, a thin cover, one small pillow..........................and ......

I was grateful for all of, I slept like a baby, curled up, restricted by the rope, or opened out with my hands over my head and my legs like a frog...........feeling open, exposed, submissive,  oh so submissive and very happy.

And tonight he has more plans.

This morning we talked again.
He made me look at him, in the eye. After all this time, does he not know how hard I find it? Of course he does, that's why he did it I guess.
Its so hard to hold his gaze, I desperately wanted to do as he says, to obey, yet my heart quaked beneath his piercing eyes, my submissive soul quivered under his domination.
I tried to do it, but no matter how hard, I found myself lowering my eyes.
He did not get cross. I heard him clear his throat. I looked up.
I looked again. It was like a battle inside my head.

Obey, obey, obey.
Submissive feeling don't look, submissive feelings don't look.

Obey won.

Then there was the thoughtful 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmm".

He told me I looked lost, like a small girl, unsure. without direction....................

And tonight he is going to solve this.
He has a plan.
I know what his plans include.

It includes lots and lots of questions, probing, searching deep within my heart. I feel like my brain is turned inside out , examined and put back together the way he wants, the way he likes, the way that is right.
It includes measured control; every moment, every breath, every word.

It includes pain. It is not the pain, it is the control that comes with it.

It includes openness, honesty, truth.

It includes humiliation.

It includes trust, total trust; unquestioning belief in what he does is what is good for me , what is right.

It is submission.

I am his slave.