lost exposed and vulnerable

On a happy note he had a check up at the hospital yesterday, and all seems to be going well...the loss of memory and the searching for words is normal  and should improve with time. The neurologist is pleased with his progress and he has to go back again in ten weeks...so that is something to be very happy about.

Today we talked again...and again he seems to have no understanding of what is going on in my head. He knows that I am unhappy, he knows that things are not good, and yet his words to me yesterday left me in no doubt at all that he will not change anything. He told me that there are only two options......one is if I were to die, another is if he were to sell me (which he has said he will never do) and so that is that.

The sexy underwear episode was an opportunity for him to take some new photos of me, another opportunity for him to exert his control, to make him feel good, to make me feel submissive...instead I felt vulnerable, exposed and violated...this is not right

His words  were clear..........you will do as I say, you will do as you are told, you will do things that please me, these are the rules and you will follow them....

I thought today about what aisha  had said about light............and she is right, it should bring happiness and joy, a lightness to your soul.....and as I looked in the mirror.........I saw the happiness seeming out of me...........filled with a bleakness, an emptiness and sadness.........and there seems to be nothing he can do to stop it.........but maybe I am preventing him.

When we were talking I reminded him that this is what I said would happen when I came back....I told him how hard I would find it, how difficult it would be, how much I would miss him, and how I would be living a half life".
I wish it were a half life, I wish it were that good. I want the day to end each day so I can sleep, so I don't have to think, but when I sleep my mind is filled with nightmares, wakefulness and tears.

I am a mess.

I got in my car today, and I drove and drove and drove until I was lost, I turned down every small road and track I could until I had no idea where I was or how I could get back, I sat there and waited........
I wondered if being physically lost would somehow make the feeling of emotional "lostness" go, if it would disappear, if being lost somewhere, unknown, no one knowing where I was would give me peace.........it didn't................and I drove more and more....... further away......and wished I didn't ever have to go back...........I had my passport and I just wanted to keep driving...........but I couldn't but come back I did.................and I guess there is music I have to face.........but really I just want it all to be finished.