Hiding and in trouble

Not sure why he has decided its a "games weekend"...but I don't like it any more. I have never liked "truth or dare", for all sorts of reasons....mainly that I think its dangerous in most situations and in this one...I was right.
I never chose "dare" because I have to tell the truth anyway, so why risk a dare with the strange mood he is in .....and now I'm in trouble...not for telling the truth...but because I did tell the truth. (that makes sense in my head, not sure it does on paper) The question was ...."what are you holding back?" and so I told him about my deepest fears...I know he knows them, but having to say it, having to type it, leaving it there on the screen, they just looked enormous, so overwhelming...so insurmountable. I don't want him to see them, to look, to scrutinise them and pull them apart , piece by painful piece.

I was filled with sadness and fear, seeing them typed there on the screen made them appear possible, almost inevitable. I know the likelihood is small, but even that is enough to have me sobbing, wanting to turn away from him when I should turn towards him. Not because he was being cruel, but because he was pushing me again, and I hated it and I hated him.

I was exhausted by the time he had finished , I felt bruised and battered, more so than any physical beating, canning or any punishment. I hurt................and sleep was my refuge.

Sleep was fitful, filled with disturbing images and emotions.

I had to call him again before I left for work, and he said he could hear how unhappy I was in my voice...............I'm not unhappy...........just shaky and so I did what I am best at....I hid at work, so I couldn't talk to him, couldn't be contacted and now I'm in trouble.

"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at".

This morning I think he had his silly head on. Either that or there was nothing worth watching on the TV.I think the thought in his head was "What's the point of having a toy if you don't play with it?" He watches me when I sleep, and last night he knew, that as is so often the case, I was beset by weird and disturbing dreams. Nothing specifically scary,nothing conventionally scary, no monster, no ghosts or machete wielding madmen, just weird enough to keep me balanced on the edge of sleep, tossing and turning, moaning and crying out. Travelling round my big bed, till I woke up on the edge, just before I fell.

He allowed me to pee and then told me I had to sleep again.............and although I tried, I really did, it just would not come, and so for the next 60 minutes I lay with eyes closed, fidgeting until he allowed me to get up.

I could almost feel the change of tone, the change of mode as we continued to talk.....we had a spare half an hour......and so to pass the time.............he had me stand on one foot.................why is it so much easier when no one is watching....why does it become impossible when you are told "Don't move", and why does it become funny when you have to cum standing on one leg, not moving?

He chuckled.

Then he told me to kneel without putting my knees on the floor...took me a while to work out that meant squat.............................and then cum....................oh he laughed when I fell over as I was cumming It was not so much a fall , as a spectacular upending of his slave, onto her arse, with legs in the air and a silly look on her face as she did a beetle impression.

He laughed.

Then it was  "pull your nipples out by the bars, close your eyes, turn around 4 time"s ......and I failed. I wasn't facing in exactly the right direction,,,I was about 20 degrees off...hell I though I had done well....

I failed.

He laughed.

I started again....but this time I had to hop...................

Amazingly I was facing in the right direction...........

We both laughed.

And then I had to cum again........amazingly...this time I was lying down...and we laughed.I wanted to go back to sleep...no chance.

Who says being a slave is not fun?

The price of pleasure

Yesterday morning when we were talking, he reminded me that i hadn't cum for a week.............like I needed reminding! All week, I have been squirmy, hoping he would notice or at least wonder why.............well,yesterday he did. Either that or he just thought he might as well do something to stop me from yawning.

While I am away, it is difficult to do as he wants, not because I don't want to. If anything I want and need to even more, but it is difficult to hurt myself  with the intensity that he would............but ...............caning my cunt always hurts. But in the end I don't suppose it matters how much, just the fact that I do as I am told, when i am told is what is important. And the longer I am away, the more I realise this. It matters that I feel his control. It is the control I need, not the pain.
So cuming quickly, very quickly after the caning amused him. He laughed, chuckled to himself, fully aware that I could hear him.It wasn't from cruelty, just from amusement. Then I had to cum again....oh and again and this is all before 6am.
I was sent off to work with a smile on my face, a tender cunt..oh and instructions to cum  again before lunch.So maybe I am on a "cumfest" now.... or maybe not.

I didn't get a chance to post this on the day I wrote it, and I think I may have been right. Again last night, over and over again he made me cum, with the reminder that I am a slave, I have no rights, no control. His choice last night was to remind me that with pleasure comes a price, and today it was pain.  Pegs on cunt, a "gift" from him vibrating  inside me, my legs tightly closed and made to cum, wanting  to stop,, the pain filling me, flooding into my body,until I could focus on his words.  Listening to him  keeps me focused, simple things that make the thousands of miles that separates us at present disappear. Things that connect us while I cannot feel his hand.
I was happy to be allowed to sleep early, sent to bed with a sore cunt,a "good girl" ringing in my ears and a smile on my face as I fell asleep.

This morning, he knew I had to leave just after dawn, and so he had me wake early, go through the usual routine of the morning, and then again, he said I was to cum, but he continued talking. I knew where it was leading, and every so often I looked at the clock on my screen, and I know he knew what I was doing as he watches me like a hawk, and yet he talked and I listened and then I finally in the last minute before I had to leave he told me to cum for him, and then he told me I would be late!...don'tcha just love 'em.


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3 in 1

Living on the equator is a fine and wondrous thing. people told me I was lucky: permanent sunshine, hot days, warm nights.................. Summer everyday.

 But what I have come to realise is that this is not the case at all... we have 3 season...we have Summer, Spring and Autumn. I have not made a mistake placing them in that order, I could have put Autumn, Spring, Summer...because the thing is ...we have them all...at the same time.

The sun shines all day(mostly), for 12 hours a day, with beautiful blue skies, unless it is cloudy, but they tend not to last long. The plants grow all year long, big beautiful trees and plants filling the rain forest. Dressed in every hue of green that you can imagine, from the deepest darkest green to the most delicate, almost translucent green. Trees growing straight and true, so tall that to try to see the top, to glimpse the crown is almost umimagineable unless you are lying down. The biggest leaves growing on bendy stalks blowing in the breeze and the tiniest leaves, closing when touched by a gently landing insect.......verdant is the only way to describe it...and summer.

And then there is Spring: which happens at the same time. Delicate buds and flowers opening on the trees: yellow like giant laburnum, the bright bright red of the flame tree flowers, delicate pink flowers that look like cherry blossom gently float down to the ground after a sudden cloudburst. New leaves appearing on the frangipangi plants in the garden and tadpoles appearing in the strangest places...puddles in the road: where you will them to move some where more permanent before they are slowly fried by the hot equatorial sun. A feeling a fertility and growth surrounds me everyday.

But at the same time....all around, the trees and plants hand with fruit and seed pods, fallen seed cover the floor , the ground is littered  with leaves of every shape and every size, every hue and every colour. They float down , twirling, swirling, leaving the ground covered in a multi coloured carpet. And occasionally, just very occasionally there is a morning mist , rising from the jungle, and it almost feels as if there is a chill in the air, but only fleetingly, until the sun is up and over the horizon and it disappears on the dawn zephyr.

So you see, although the temperature may be 30C everyday, I am still blessed with the seasons, you just have to look for them.

I found it... the deep and meaingful one

The very nature of the female anatomy hides the physical essence of our femininity: like the beauty within an unopened wild orchid. The space in which we grow are children is hidden, deep within our bodies and so it is hardly surprising that being trained to be open is difficult, difficult on the heart, on the mind and on the sense of self. Years of  society's, family and personal conditioning  that needs to be explored, opened, undone.

Physically it is easier for some to be open, to allow themselves to find peace in satisfyingly their master's expectation that they are physically open. For me, this is  not a problem, it has never really been a problem; not after the first few toe curling, cheek reddening, embarrassing moments when I wanted to curl up and die, thinking that he only saw the imperfections I see each time I look in the mirror. Now I no longer think about it as he inspects me.  It is just something that happens. That he watches me shower, that the parts of me that are hidden from the world are his to look at, explore, examine and generally to with and too what he so chooses, is just the way it is.

So why do I find it so hard to open up my thoughts in the same way? Is it a matter of self preservation? What he doesn't know about me he cant use against me, judge me and my failings, or is it some deeper fear that he will get my feeling and lay them on the table; look at them, explore and examine them and do with them and to them whatever he so chooses?
 I have no reason to think any of this. He has never, at any point, done anything to lead me to believe that he will, in fact completely the opposite. He can be demanding, exacting, persistent, , manipulative (sounds like a check list for a good master) etc etc, but he is loving and kind, patient thoughtful and supportive, gentle and operates with my best interest at the base of our dynamic.

I have knelt before him, naked, with his hand on my throat, the pressure from his fingers increasing until the last thing I think of before I am enveloped in peace and blackness is him, my trust in him and his ability and desire to look after me, and yet I know I hold things back, and I know he knows. And each time I do, the punishment is worse( no I don't do it for the punishments...I hate them and all the feelings that are tied in with them!).

I wish I knew.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Just typed a long post, deep and meaningful and then deleted it...oh bum.

So instead .......

How come I planted mint and coriander and got flowers of some plant that looked like mint and I tried it and ate a leaf...it was not mint.

How come the tv progrmmes I want to watch are after the time I have to be in bed

How come I can lay awake at night for hours and hours, but the moment he says "time for bed" I start to yawn,,,every damn time and it makes him laugh.

How come my cat eats muesli and sweetcorn, but not the hummingbird she caught..how the hell she did it is beyond me I mean.......it can beat it wings at 50 beats per second, fly in 4 different directions, including backwards  and it cant avoid being caught.

How come everything moves slowly here, the heat sapping out the energy of almost everyone....everyone that is except the ants ....what do they know that I don't.

note to self....do not tell my owner about the 50 beats per second..he might get ideas.

oh my goodness

!Wow!-I had a comment:)...thank you mouse

 another hot day ahead.....................things are good.................this slave is smiling, my owner is pleased again.