He misses me...........

Reasons to be cheerful :

He misses me...yes he does...he told me.

He is proud of me...he told me that too.....he said he is proud of the way I am coping with being away, proud of what I am doing, proud that I am working hard to be a good slave when it is difficult.

He misses me...did I say that?

I have a long lazy weekend ahead of me, no real work to do and plenty of opportunirty to stay up late into the night , talking to him, being with him.

The sun is shinning.

There is a roast chicken in the fridge and I have manged to get some thick white fresh bread to have a big doorstep sandwich later.

I have a cup of cold diet coke in my hand.

By my shower is a new blade for my venus razor and a small treasured bottle of my favourite shampoo.

There is an email in my inbox from my sister.

He said I make him happy...and he misses me.

He said he will keep me forever.

* slave sitting with a big smile on her face and a heart full of happiness*

These are the simple things that made me smile today....sometimes I forget to think about them.

It needs to be a very long rope

Since I last managed to post on Saturday I have been one sickly slave. I am one of those people who is never ill, never sick and always disgustingly healthy. So being struck down with some revolting sickness bug has left me feeling pathetic and wondering how I got it. I am exposed in my work to so many germs, yucky things and coughing spluttering people depositing bodily fluids at will, that I have such a strong immune system that it surprises me when one tiny little bug gets though all those antibodies flowing through me. You have to be a big germ to bring down this slave.

I spent all day horizontal Saturday, and Sunday apart from a very rough 4 hour journey home on a bouncing rickety  bus through the jungle, where I clenched muscles I didn't know I have. Monday  I didn't move from my pit, not even to have a drink, Tuesday I managed a few hours at work before being sent home for looking too sick, Wednesday I was off  again and finally, today, I did a whole day. Having felt so bad, it never ceases to amaze me that I feel so good today; full of energy, buzzing at work and desperate to get home and have the opportunity to talk with him.

When I managed to be in contact with him, he was kind, thoughtful, asking how I felt, making sure I was looking after his property well enough. from all these thousands of miles away.  I felt more cared for, more concern directed at me, than I ever felt in my old vanilla relationships. He often tells me that he takes care of his property........and he does.

As soon as he felt I was well enough however, we were back to the old routines, feeling his control, him using his slave, ensuring I knew who was boss, and that I may have been ill, but first and foremost  I AM his slave.

I sleep with my feet tied, my hands tied to my feet in front of me and the end of the rope tied to the bed. If I need to get up I have to call or text or IM and ask for permission, although this time I was given an "open permission " to get up. How difficult I found it, dithering on the edge of the bed, wondering if I really needed to, or if I was just trying to make myself need to, because I had an opportunity  to make the decision for myself. And yet when he makes me choose something, I squirm and try to get out of it, until the count down begins and I know if he gets to zero, the choice will be his, and he usually chooses both options, plus an extra for being indecisive! That overwhelming need for control filled those moments in the dark hours of the night.

I miss his hand on the end of my rope; feeling the resistance if I move in the night, how he slowly lets it run through his fingers as I walk to the bathroom and how he seems to have some secret knowledge of just where to stop it so I am just short of the toilet. I miss his cruel chuckle as I beg for that extra six inches, and I even miss having to stand there for what seems like hours with my bladder seemingly contorting inside me. And I even miss the snide remark and the wicked smile on his face when I crawl back into bed beside him and thank him, and the laugh when he says"You're welcome slave".

 This is rapidly becoming one of those..."I miss....." posts so I am going to stop before I'm a gibbering heap of miserable, self pitying ineptitude in the corner.

I'm going to go outside, enjoy the warm breeze, the noises of the night and think about my return to the end of his rope.

Wearing a routte to the toilet

Oh how many times can one person be sick in 24 hours........curl up and die ....ouch...no don't squash your stomach, slave.
He told me to go back to sleep.
Normal service will be resumed soon.

and when someone appears from your past

oh dear....oh dear...how difficult life can be sometimes.
Someone just popped up, out of the blue...out of the past.....just to say hello...check that I was ok...that life was good(yes it is), and no matter how hard it is to ignore those..."I wonder what if...." thoughts.

And now I will have to tell him that my past came to say hello, what I felt, and what I thought...and I don't want him to feel that it was a real though...just a passing fancy.

And why does it happen when I cant talk to him?

Bleary eyed peering and stolen moments

Today will soon be over for me and just beginning for my owner. It is strange to be, for the time being, in such different time zones, but it is something that we are managing to circumvent, to manage.

Sometime he wakes me early in the morning and I peer, bleary eyed, into the web cam, hair looking like a wild woman, smiling because I know he is there, that he is the first person I see in the morning, the first voice I hear.. Sometimes I am  awake for just a short time and others I beg to be allowed to stay awake to spend time with him. Sometimes it is allowed, but often denied on the grounds that soon I will have to get up for work and I need to be wide awake for my job, not something  I can do hungover, tired or not focused....and so I am sent back to sleep.

Sometimes, he stays awake late into the night and early into the morning to talk to me,to control me, to allow me to submit to him and his will, to show my submission to him, continuing my training, and each stolen moment is, no matter how hard or demanding, precious.

Tomorrow I am away for 3 days, I may manage to be in contact with him , I may not and so I  will hold close in my heart his words, the memory of his touch, the look in his eye, the smile on his face when I have pleased him and the sound of his voice when he says those words...................."good girl"

And so I apologise now if the next few posting are self pitying whinging and whining and filled with lots of "woe is me" type statements, but I do have such good news...in just two and a half months I will be home.

rainbows

Today I had a lovely day at work, home early and a rainbow as the sunset...happy day

Face like a bullfrog in a drought...or...how is he always right?

The deepest darkest fears thing was all sorted out....he has spent the last 2 days asking me what wrong, why am I "off" what is wrong...endlessly, over and over again, disguised in different words but all asking the same question and all I could do was answer honestly..there was nothing wrong , I was fine, just because  I wasn't leaping round with a smile on my face doesn't mean anything is wrong.

I think the words"I am fine" are like a red rag to a bull to him. He thinks I am hiding something: some deep and meaningful hidden feeling, worry or concern, ...but really it just means "I am fine, its Monday, or Tuesday, I have work, I have stuff to do, nothing is wrong and ................I am fine thank you Sir"

Yesterday I think he reached the end of his tether with my protestations of "fineness".. Maybe it was that I had the face of a bull frog in a drought, or my monosyllabic answers that finally convinced him that maybe , even if I didn't know there was something wrong, that there actually was...and so step were taken,

I was resentful, standing there, humiliated, feeling hurt and angry that he wouldn't believe me that everything was ok, tears pouring down my face , like an innocent in the dock.

H e tried again........and then I though he had given up and he sent me to bed. I did all my usual rituals, bedtimes stuff, and then he had me tie my feet together,  then to my hands, and tie them together, wished me goodnight, told me to turn down the light, set the alarm, not to move out of bed till he came back to talk to me in the morning and to sleep.................

Well...I wriggled and I huffed and puffed and couldn't get comfortable, I thought I would never sleep. the rope dug into me, they rubbed, they were too tight, every time I moved they hurt. The stupid thing was they weren't tight, in fact I could have slipped my hands out at any time ...but it never occurred to me.


Finally I stopped fighting them, discovered where the limitations were, where I was comfortable, what I was able to do, and not.(did I mention I wriggly like a demented worm in bleach in bed?) fight it any more, and I slept...peacefully, no dreaming...no waking....nothing...just sleep.

He was waiting for me when I woke up.............I felt like a different person......light and free...controlled, soooooooo submissive and happy.  I lay on the bed talking to him , and then still bound came for him,. He said do it slowly, make it last, I lasted about 20 seconds before I had to beg him to be allowed to cum, leaving a wet patch on the bed.

And he gave me the task to think about why I was feeling so much better.......... .and I came up with the reasons.................

This weekend I am going away, deeper into the jungle and will not be able to talk with him  much and I guess I was frightened of being without him..hence the face like a bullfrog...........an overwhelming sense of sadness and aloneness that clouded my vision, but was obviously all too clearly written all over my face.

And the rope thing...............hmmmm..........he is so clever...always ahead of me....talk about metaphor.........limitations.......comfort.....fighting and acceptance......

So even when I think I am hiding from myself he knows where to find me, and mouse (thank you for your comments) you are right, I should trust him, and my own judgment, he really does know me better than I do, he knows what I need and what is good for me, and I should leave myself completely in his hands.